Wednesday, April 29, 2015

GOIN' TO TOWN




I suppose it could also be titled Comin' Home From Town, but that's beside the point.

One of my favorite Mae West movies is called Goin' to Town, but that's beside the point, too.

I've been trying to exude a brave countenance but I'll be brutally blunt:
the long, dangerous drive into town still scares the living jeeters out of me. I've never gotten used to it. The impossibly narrow, endlessly winding mountain roads put the "F" into Frozen Fear. Not to mention those perilous cliffs.

There are times when I procrastinate for a week before I can summon the courage to embark on the harrowing journey. And then I have to be reinforced with two or six beers. Being soused not only rekindles my courage, it makes me drive faster.

Yea, I know. All of you teetotalers are in a panic from reading this. Hell, when I lived in Texas I was drunk continuously. Here in Tennessee I'm only drunk when I drive to town.

I'm making progress. When I first moved here it took me half an hour to drive to town. Now, on a clear day, it takes anywhere from fifteen to twelve minutes - - depending on how often I don't use the breaks.


The worst part is when I happen to get a logging truck in front of me (no passing is allowed). The last time this happened the truck was crawling about eight miles an hour. Took me an hour to get to town.

And then there are the tailgaters. If I'm driving 75 MPH the tailgater will be on my ass going 95. I always pull over when I can and let them pass.

It's inevitably a woman. In an SUV. Talking on a cell phone. With six kids in the back seat.

I'm going to be mercilessly blunt and say something that most men wouldn't dare admit: women are the most aggressive drivers on earth. When they get behind the wheel they develop Penis Power and all of their pent-up hostilities suddenly surface.

This is an innocent generalization, of course. I know that none of you charming female bloggers would ever do this.

Hey, Jon - don't you ever get nasty and aggressive when you're drunk?

Nope. Drunk or sober, I'm a sweetheart. The only time I get aggressive is when I want to get to know somebody better......

Speaking of intoxication, did I ever mention how difficult it is to get liquor here? They only sell beer in one store. At an inflated price. Only beer. Nothing else. I'd have to grow my own vineyard and get my own grape press in order to have wine. 

The Baptists rule in Tennessee (and in Texas). There's a Baptist church every ten feet but no booze. You'd think someone would summon Jesus and demand him to turn the water into wine......

All right, Jon, stop being a wise guy.

I know I've risked losing my blog followers (all three of them). The Baptists are miffed. The women are pissed. Hell, I hope I haven't offended the heathen gays.

I was laughing as I wrote that. My wildly wicked past would make heathen gays look like Shirley Temple.

Are you a heathen gay, Jon?

Let's just say that I'm a happy heathen. 

I was drunk yesterday and I'm still under the spell of the lingering effects of alcohol. It takes a while to wear off. It's nearly 5:00 AM as I'm writing this, and I'm sort of between days. Didn't sleep much and haven't yet woken up......

I finally bought porch paint yesterday and I plan to paint my two porches this week.

Did you ever notice that all paints are carefully categorized and have a specific purpose nowadays? 
There's porch paint and floor paint, ceiling paint, indoor wall paint, house paint exterior, fence paint, cement paint, environmentally friendly paint, rain-proof paint, sunlight-resistant paint.....WTF?????

Does anybody remember the good old days when you simply bought a can of lead-based paint and a brush?

 Anxiously awaiting a coat of paint.
This pic was taken a few months ago. The trees are now lush and green and the weeds are nearly up to the roof.






 

25 comments:

  1. Drive carefully, you have a book to write.

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  2. Well that's certainly a novel way to get ready for a drive you don't like - getting tanked up first! (I mean you, not the car). Around our parts, it seems to be young blond girls in BMW's which are the most aggressive drivers. But they probably say the same about me... old Scottish farts are the most aggressive drivers!

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    1. Someday I'll go over a cliff and regret being tanked. If you're an aggressive driver, it's undoubtedly a skill you learned when living in California. I doubt if you're an "old Scottish fart".

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  3. Jon,
    I am very familiar with those dangerous, winding, mountain roads. When Bill and I visited my father's birth place in Pigeon Roost, North Carolina, we stayed in Johnson City Tennessee, which is right over the mountain border from North Carolina (there are no hotels in those hillbilly mountains - are you kidding?). When we drove up the mountain then around those winding narrow roads to Upper Pigeon Roost Road, it was like a carnival ride. God forbid you would meet anyone or have someone tailgate you. And you're right, women are the MOST aggressive drivers. Even here in Gayberry (Rehoboth Beach) Delaware. If someone is driving crazy it's almost always a woman.
    By the way, what a peaceful, serene scene from your porch. I understand more and more why you moved to where you live now. I get it In fact, I could live there too if I wasn't so spoiled by the accruements of civilization like nearby stores and medical facilities, which at my advanced age I am more dependent on that when I was a just a youngster of your age. By the way, don't your stores do deliveries? Ours do, for a price. (smile).
    Ron

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    1. You're right, Ron - the roads are EXACTLY like a carnival ride. I'll never get used to them and they're hard on a vehicle.
      The stores around here don't do home deliveries - and probably never heard of them. Heck, I'm not in an exclusive area like you. My neighbors are relatives of Jed Clampett. I do love the scenery and peaceful surrounding.

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  4. I'm loving that deck/porch of yours and the view. Are you sure you want to paint it? What is wrong with Au Naturale? I hear there is plenty of moonshine in your neck of the woods. Why not a vineyard? You could make your own special variety of wine.Though asking Jesus for a miracle in these trying circumstances of living in a DRY county is probably a time-honored tradition.

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    1. I do have some misgivings about painting the porches, but they desperately need some protection from the elements. And I heard that paint helps keep away the carpenter bees.

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  5. I hear there are wine making kits. You might have to try that. I remember some winding roads between where we lived in Kansas and Eureka Springs AR. Felt a little seasick at times. Take care,Sheila

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    1. I've been to Eureka Springs and loved it there.

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  6. Be careful on the road, Jon. Lot of faith-based driving goes on in Baptist territory. Is it just me or do films always depict heathens as having more fun?

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  7. Faith-based, indeed. I do a lot of praying while I'm navigating these mountain roads. I'd better start doing it sober.Heathens do seem to have more fun in films, but they usually get zapped by Divine Lightning in the end.....

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  8. At least the road looks well maintained and marked. You don't ever drive it at night, do you?

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    1. Actually, Paula, the roads were much better maintained in Texas. I never drive at night unless I absolutely have to.

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  9. That road makes me wonder what sort of hallucinogens the highway engineers were on when they sat down to their drawing board! I won't argue with you about members of my species being aggressive; I had a female school bus driver nearly run me off the road a few days ago.
    If you can stand the repitition, I'm seriously in love with your porch. That would be such a great image, enlarged and framed!

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    1. Don't enlarge it or frame it until I give it a decent coat of paint.
      There are so many reckless school bus drivers. I encountered one here on the mountain road which was tailgating me. I have no idea of that driver was male or female - I was too scared to look.

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  10. Well about half the counties in TN are dry......and TN enacted their own version of the 18th Amendment in 1910, long before the country ratified the Volstead Act and even though Prohibition was repealed in 1933, TN didn't repeal the ban on manufacturing alcohol in TN until 1937. You just didn't pick your location according to alcohol availability in that state. 8-)

    Incidentally the counties where both the George Dickel & Jack Daniesl distilleries are located are dry. The distillers have to get special permits to even sell or hold tastings at their locations.

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    1. Fascinating information - and I didn't know any of it. Thanks for sharing it.

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  11. you need to cross the state line and bring back some REAL booze!

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    1. I'll have to start making my own.....

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  12. when I lived in Clarksville, TN
    many moons ago
    I visited Ebenezer's
    I looked it up
    it's still there
    I don't know how far
    you are from there
    you can look up stores
    on the internet
    even if it's a lil road trip
    you can stock up
    https://foursquare.com/v/ebenezers-liquors-and-wine/4c1d1114fcf8c9b6b21bab0b

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    1. Thanks for the link. I'm not sure how close I am to Clarksville - - I'm probably closer to Cookville. (there are a lt of "villes" in TN)

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    2. Liquor World!
      and some others
      I just had to look it up
      I'm not on facebook
      but, they are
      https://www.facebook.com/liquorworld.001?rf=114761208623893

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  13. Jon, please hold out your wrist and slap it for me. We have dry counties here in KY, the home of the Bourbon Trail, and the hypocrisy never ceases to amaze me. Anyway, they will ENJOY throwing the book at you if you get caught DUI/DWI. So balance the needs of your nerves with the needs of driving, since you will lose your license. You can get breathalyzers for home/personal use now via the internet, I believe, and the price might be worth your peace of mind that you won't be over the limit. If it were me, I think I would get an Rx from my doc for something short but quick acting for anxiety (lorazepam/Ativan comes immediately to mind). Don't worry, you haven't lost this particular reader; you're far too fascinating for that. Just don't want you to get into legal (or worse yet, medical if you wreck) trouble. ~~~ NB

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    1. My reply to your comment disappeared (I have no clue why), so I'm trying again.
      First of all, I'm delighted that you find me fascinating, and second, I fully understand what you're saying. I'd hate to end up over a cilff or in the "clink". I would never take any medications for anxiety. The herb valerian usually does the trick.

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