Monday, September 14, 2015

PERFECT DAY, MORE SEX, AND CAT NIPPLES



My back yard this afternoon


"Why, it's such a perfect day that it must have been specially ordered from God's Personal Catalog!"

Imagine that being said by me in a Southern accent borrowed from any one of Tennessee William's plays. I'm in a divine hillbillyesque mood today.
I just made that word up.


The weather for the past few days has been absolutely perfect. Perhaps even beyond perfect. The weekend was invigoratingly cool. I had to trade my usual T shirt for a long sleeve flannel shirt. Last night I needed an extra blanket. It was 40 degrees but felt cooler.

I am in the throes of Pre-Autumn Ecstatic Anticipatory Bliss Syndrom. That's a politically correct term for "I can't wait until autumn".
Don't ponder that for too long. You might hurt yourself.


My previous blog post got over 100 views yesterday, which is  beyond belief. I usually get three and a half views, if I'm lucky.
Since my previous post was crappier than a herd of elephants with dysentery, I can't figure it out.

If there is a lesson learned, it's probably that I should continue posting worthless photos and writing about mundane mindless stuff. People can strongly identify with mundane mindless stuff.  
And sex. Whether they admit it or not, people like to read about sex.


I admittedly posted a horrible-looking photo of David Sterry (in my previous post) so that I would look good in comparison. But I still think if we were both in competition for earning the most cash as a male prostitute I would win. No contest.

I've always wondered why the unnecessary prefix "MALE" is used when referring to male prostitutes. I think it's a politically correct invention.




David Sterry (former male prostitute) is on the left

That's the best photo of Sterry that I could find, and it's still unimpressive........

Did you notice that my photo has been filtered and retouched, in order to make me look as cute and angelic as possible? And it was taken 150 yrs. ago. At least.


Just to set the record straight - I was never a male prostitute. Or a female one, for that matter. 

Was I promiscuous?
Let's just say that I've been around the block more times than a '57 Chevy.

Despite being loose and easy, I never had an inflated ego. In fact when I was young and hot I actually thought I was ugly. I'm 6'1", blond, blue eyed - - and I was jealous of guys who were 5'3", had bad teeth, wore lifts in their shoes, and stuffed socks in their crotches. Go figure.

My profound insecurities have diminished slightly in my old age.  That's why I'm eager to write my memoir and reveal my Hollywood sexual conquests. Sterry's disgustingly egotistical, unrelentingly brash memoir has inspired me (*smile*).


Change of subject.
And not a moment too soon.

I hear gunfire outside in the forest as I'm writing this (been hearing it for the past few days). Some of it is unnervingly close by. It's undoubtedly hunters. Or somebody who doesn't like my blog.



 Scruffy
trying to look innocent and sweet 

Scruffy (my feisty cat) got loose again this morning and ran into the forest. I had to wade through shoulder-high weeds to retrieve her and bring her inside. 


Why not let her stay outdoors and have some fun, Jon?

Because there are ticks and fleas and cooties and jitterbugs outside. I don't want Scruffy to infest the house (and the other cats) with them.

TRIVIA:
Did you know that the 1939 movie The Wizard of Oz initially had a song in it called The Jitterbug? It is absolutely awful and was mercifully deleted (you can find it on YouTube).


 Bosco!

Bosco slept on my legs last night and stopped the circulation. After I crawled out of bed this morning I was shuffling and limping like a bad imitation of Quasimodo.

That cat was so frail and tiny when he was a kitten that I thought he'd never survive. Now he's so damn big and heavy that he could be used as an anchor on the Lusitania. It was the only analogy I could come up with.

CAT TRIVIA:
Did you know that male cats have nipples? It's astonishingly true. I never knew this fact until the other night.

Bosco was on my desk while I was working at the computer. He rolled over to have his tummy scratched and I suddenly saw two long rows of nipples. Holy shit! It freaked me out.

I had Bosco neutered nearly a year ago. Did that nasty and unnatural procedure unwittingly inspired nipples to grow??

I did the only thing I could. I quickly Googled male cat nipples. Sure enough, I learned that male cats have them. I breathed a big sigh of relief. 

Okay, Jon. Your female readers are blushing, and your three blog "Followers" have abandoned you. Find something else to write about.

Well, my ten-year-old cat Scratch is doing fine. She still secretly resents the intrusion of Scruffy and Bosco, but she plays with them now and then.


Scratch
taking a siesta 

Fact:
Bosco just sat on my computer keyboard and somehow managed to turn on the Airplane Mode with his ample ass. I didn't know exactly what happened but it took me ten minutes to get reconnected to the Internet.

I'm thinking of hiring a Feline Hit Man to take care of the cats. 

.....make it look like accident.....maybe an electrocution....?

Anyone remember the scene where the cat was electrocuted in the film The Postman Always Rings Twice.......?? 




17 comments:

  1. Jon, you're killing me with this talk about autumn!
    Then again, maybe it's better I experience 40-degree nights vicariously .... God forbid, I get a chill. (Damn Arizona!)

    I'm thinking Scratch, Scruffy and Bosco deserve their own sitcom!

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  2. I love experiencing a real autumn - with crisp days and chilly nights. But I'll be complaining a lot when winter comes and I'm sliding on the ice and battling penguins.

    Believe me, it's not easy living with three cats. They're more difficult to maintain than children. A feline sitcom sounds like a good idea. At least I could make some money off them.
    Except that their antics aren't always funny.......

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  3. Your backyard pictures are beautiful and so are your cats.

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    1. It's difficult to take good photos of cats because they never stay still long enough for a good shot. Especially my two young cats.

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  4. don't remember The Postman Rings Twice...but....how 'bout the cat in Christmas Vacation? Remember it? I could send you Misskitty to bring your cats into line.....brahahahahahahahaha.....

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    1. I remember the cat in "Christmas Vacation" but would have never thought of it until you mentioned it.

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  5. the new pix of starry is even uglier than the last. I have watched clips of "the jitterbug"; thank the dogs and cats THAT remained on the cutting room floor! and the cats are just too cute!

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    1. The Jitterbug scene was completely out of place for "The Wizard of Oz". In my opinion, it would have destroyed the entire concept of the film.

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  6. Cute Kitties! Scruffy looks similar to our old cat Nadia. After she passed we got the demon spawn from hell we named Sam (he looked so sweet and calm at the shelter). But when we moved up here we left him at my parents until we got a house. The apartment wasn't big enough for us and him. :-) Then Dad got attached to him, this man who never liked animals when we were growing up, especially in the house. So he lives with them now, all big and calm and in the house... Take care, Sheila

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    1. I got my cat Scratch at a shelter and, thank goodness, she was always well-behaved. Bosco and Scruffy were the offspring of some cats that my neighbor abandoned when I lived in Texas.

      I'm glad that Sam the Devil got a good home. My father always hated cats but, ironically, he liked my cat Scratch - whom I got only a few months before Dad died.

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  7. In this 'better' photo that Sterry chappie looks vaguely like Sean Penn (well, to me anyway) whom I never found particularly good-looking anyway. 'Nuff said!

    I only noticed my (doctored male) Blackso's nipples after he decided to move in with me some 15 years ago. Until then I'd also assumed that toms didn't have any. But why shouldn't they when you and I have a pair? I wonder if they become more prominent after they're neutered?

    Yes, I for one did know about 'The Jitterbug' song in 'Wizard', though I'm not quite as down on it as you are.

    And Scruffy looks such an irresistible sweetie. However, I never like praising one cat above others so I'd better say that the same goes for B & Scr too!

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    1. I've never been a fan of Sean Penn - - I do agree that he vaguely resembles Scary Sterry.(although Penn looks tough and Sterry looks kinda goofy).

      I was relieved to know that I have a normal male cat. I was admittedly alarmed when I first discovered his nipples.

      The Jitterbug scene in "Oz" was cute and sung very nicely by Judy, but I just thought that it was too inappropriate for the film. Perhaps too "modern"??

      All three of my cats are sweet and affectionate but Scruffy is the very independent Wild Child. I'm positive that cat's personalities are inherited. Scruffy's mother was a VERY feisty Calico. Bosco is very timid and sweet - and so was his mother. Anyway, I adore all three of them.

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  8. My old laptop didn't have "airplane mode" so I didn't know what to think when I saw the setting on this one. I haven't tried it because I was afraid the computer would start flying around the room. It's a relief to know the feature can only be turned on by cats --they're all outside.

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    1. That's hilarious, Geo. I never thought of my computer flying. Truthfully, I have no clue what the purpose of Airplane Mode could be - - but at least Bosco proved that it's nothing dangerous. It simply disabled my Internet connection. It's actually amazing that Bosco managed to do it with his butt.

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  9. I've had kids, and I've had cats, and cats are definitely easier. :)

    Why were you freaked to find nipples on your male cat. I mean, YOU have 'em, don't ya?

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    1. Hey, I only have two. The cat has eight.

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