In 2014, I was interviewed by Douglas Elliot, a friend of mine who is an editor in Los Angeles. The interview took place in a hotel room in Lubbock, Texas (I was living in Texas at the time). This was one of a series of interviews that the editor was doing for an upcoming publication, which was about the lives of various writers and musicians that he knew.
I posted excerpts of this interview in my old blog Lone Star Concerto. I've decided to re-post it here for those who haven't read it. This rash decision might be a great disservice to myself, but - as a blogger - my life is pretty much an open book.
This is only part one of a very lengthy interview. Part two contains more intimate information. I'll post that next time, if I can summon the courage.....
I hadn't realized how EXCRUCIATINGLY long this is! You have my humble appreciation (and sympathy) if you read all of it.
How would you describe yourself?
That's a tall order for a first question. Complex, many-faceted, enigmatic, diverse, an intricate network of contradictions and complications. Passionate, sentimental, notoriously sensitive. Moody. I'm definitely not an intellect but I can admirably fake it on occasion. I'm an extremely private person. Except when I submit to interviews, of course.
How old are you?
Old enough to know better than to answer rude questions. I've probably had more birthdays than Methuselah. In dog years I'm 205, give or take. Let's put it this way: I'm older than Justin Bieber, younger than David Cassidy. If you've never heard of David Cassidy, you're too young to be conducting this interview.
Where are you from originally?
Born in New Brunswick, New Jersey. My parents moved to Southern California when I was five and I lived there for nearly thirty years. Best years of my life.
What is your heritage or ancestry?
I'm 100% Hungarian, with extreme diversity along the Magyar line. My mother's ancestors were of royal blood - no bullshit, it's true. My father's were traditional gypsies.
What is your greatest accomplishment?
Survival. My ability to survive a lifetime of adversities and a myriad of incredibly bad times. I astonish myself at the fact that I'm still alive and still maintain a semblance of sanity.
Would you care to elaborate?
No. The negative aspects of my life are far too numerous and complex to reveal in one interview. The extreme abuse that I endured from my father was an obstacle that took nearly a lifetime to overcome. The self-destructive abuse that I later inflicted upon myself was even more detrimental.
What are the negative aspects of yourself?
How much time do we have? I'm mercilessly self-critical. I can't handle criticism of any kind. In the past I harbored an enormous amount of self-hate. I'm almost pathologically self-conscious. I'm not exactly shy, but I'm an introvert. I can be somewhat selfish, which stems - I'm sure - from being an only child. I never had to share, never had to compromise. I'm not articulate, I'm often tongue-tied (hard to believe but true). I'm far too modest about my own self-worth. I'm often not demonstrative enough.
What are your positive aspects?
Humility. Rationality. Compassion. Honesty. Self-reliance.
I have a few. My musical abilities and my knack for writing. I'm a damn good pianist. I'm a good writer. I'm a mediocre artist. I'm mercilessly artistic and indefatigably creative. It's my blissful damnation.
What things give you the most pleasure?
Books, reading. Reading has always been the greatest pleasure of my life. Music and writing are a close second. Absorbing knowledge. Peace and tranquility are great pleasures, but almost unattainable ones.
And sex, of course - although it's not as much of an obsessive priority as it used to be.
What are your sexual preferences? Are you gay?
Wow - we're quickly getting to the nitty-gritty, aren't we? I'm extremely sexual and sensual. And open-minded. I loathe labels or out-of-the-closet pronouncements. What we do in our private boudoirs is our own business. I used to be extremely promiscuous and experimental. I've done it all. I've had sex with women. I've had far more sex with men. My predilection for the male species is, perhaps, an established fact.
Ever been in love?
Love is very often mistaken for lust or infatuation. I've been in love numerous times and I've been infatuated more times than I'd ever care to remember. I've experienced one great, monumental, absolutely perfect love in my life - - the kind of love that most people only dream of but never attain. It was a love beyond perfection. Unfortunately, that person is now dead. The best things in life are always taken from us quickly. And mercilessly.
Ever use drugs?
What a switch! In my youth, in California. But I haven't touched them in thirty years, at least. Never liked drugs, mainly because I was a hypochondriac with a vivid imagination. I've had some bad experiences with drugs. I mainly used the Mickey Mouse things that were in vogue when I lived in Hollywood. Marijuana, hashish, quaaludes, amyl, butyl nitrite, various uppers and downers. I wasn't into acid or speed. Drugs of any kind never agreed with me and I don't endorse them.
Are you an alcoholic?
I've been seriously dependent on alcohol ever since I was about twenty, but I've never been addicted. When I stop cold turkey I never crave it, never even think about it. Weird but true. Presently, I haven't had a drink in well over a month. No sweat. I don't miss it. My sole reason for consuming alcohol has always been for courage and self-confidence. I could have never lived my wild, uninhibited Hollywood lifestyle without it. I like myself better when I'm drunk. The world looks better. The massive tribulations of life are easier to cope with when I'm soused
Describe your education.
Rumors of my education have been greatly exaggerated. I attended first grade at Rutger's Prep, a posh, private preparatory school in New Jersey. I was only four years old. My mother taught me to play the piano when I was ten. She was my first music teacher and remained my most valuable critic and mentor.
I studied the piano privately with some of the best teachers in the country - - including Geza Wolf, who was the former conductor of the Belgrade Opera Orchestra in Yugoslavia, and A. Thomas Talbert, who was a concert pianist and close friend of Van Cliburn.
I had several years of college, which I utilized mostly to advance my professional musical endeavors. I studied piano, composition, and conducting in college.
I'm also largely and proudly self-taught. I've never embraced the meaningless exploitation of fancy degrees or educational pedigrees. They mean absolutely nothing to me.
What have you learned foremost - through education or through life in general?
Never take yourself too seriously. If you do, you'll be lost in the narrow trap of self-absorption. I can't tolerate seriously-minded self-proclaimed sophisticates. I loathe the arrogant, pompous intellectual elite.
Would you ever consider marriage or a live-in companion?
At this late stage of the game? Hell, no. I'm fiercely independent. I can cook, clean house, do windows and laundry, and wash dishes. I can do repairs, home improvements, yard work, and general maintenance. I can overhaul an engine and perform etudes by Scriabin on the piano. I'm very versatile. I enjoy my own company. I'm certainly not a misanthrope, but - unlike most people - I've never needed another person in order to feel whole.
What aspects of life have brought you the most satisfaction?
My artistic endeavors. Music. The piano. Performing. The incredible people whom I've had the privilege of knowing in the arts and entertainment industry. Writing. Having my humble works published. Writing is a powerful catharsis and my personal sanctuary. Reading, learning, absorbing knowledge.
I have more regrets than I would ever care to remember or confess. My life is filled with mistakes, bad choices, detrimental endeavors, idle absurdities, wasted time, and ample thoughtlessness. Unfortunately it takes a lifetime to realize how precious life really is. Our existence is unnervingly fleeting, transient.
Any mottos or words of wisdom?
Be yourself. Never compromise your true identity or ambitions. Think carefully before you speak. Think even more carefully before putting anything in writing. Remember that anger and hate are self-consuming. Be persistent but patient. Be gentle. Learn from mistakes. Listen carefully, absorb.
The Franciscan Friar Junipero Serra, founder of the California missions, said "Always go forward and never turn back." I like that.
What are you views on politics?
I loathe politics and I distrust politicians.
Do you have a political affiliation or preference?
I never voted in my entire life, never will. I never fell for the air-fluffed, mind-altering, Marxist liberal agenda. And I'm certainly not a staunch conservative. The Republican Party, as we once knew it, has completely fallen apart and is - in my opinion - permanently disbanded. Republican politicians are afraid of saying truths that might be deemed offensive. Afraid of defending our Constitution.
The fairy tale concept of political correctness and affirmative action have completely destroyed our country. Life isn't fair and there's no way possible that we can all be equal. It's a lovely, fanciful thought, but also an alarmingly destructive one. Our inept, indifferent, arrogant, narcissistic leaders have managed to put the final nails in America's coffin.
(I've censored a large part of my answer because I don't want to offend anyone. I abhor self-censorship - - but I'm considerate).
What are your views on religion?
Organized religion, throughout history, has done much more harm than good. Too much religion has a subtle but uncanny way of devouring and often destroying people.
Care to elaborate?
The original concept of religion has been misused and abused over the centuries. The original intent has largely been lost - through greed, power, ignorance, and the merciless twisting of the scriptures. I'm certainly not sacrilegious. We all need faith and the reassurance that a Divine power exists. If you have no religious convictions, if you don't believe in a power greater than yourself, then you have absolutely nothing. I wouldn't profess to be that arrogant. Let's bring back the undiluted purity of the concept of spirituality. I believe in the power of prayer. I believe in God, a Divine Creator, but there are many times when I simply don't understand Him.
Incidentally, I don't believe in the concept of Hell. Hell is what we endure here on earth.
What are your biggest fears?
Old age, sickness, poverty, isolation, death. Inevitable extinction. It's difficult to comprehend. And interviews, of course.
How would you like to be remembered?
Remembered? Heck, I'm not quite dead yet - - although there are many times when I have to keep reminding myself I'm still among the living. I'd like to be remembered fondly, with kindness and compassion. I'd hate to think of someone saying "I'm glad the bastard is gone."
The next few questions were about my life in Texas and the extreme amount of problems and bad luck that I had there. Since I no longer live there, I've omitted the Texas segment from this post.
I have a few innocuous questions.
Lay them on me.
You are a musician. Who are your favorite composers and/or musical groups or performers?
As a musician, I tend to favor whatever composer I'm performing at the time. Some of my favorite classical composers are (in no particular order) Mozart, Scriabin, Dvorak, Smetena, Lyapunov, Puccini, Rachmaninov, Tchaikovsky, Chopin. And, of course, Beethoven.
Non-classical groups? King Crimson, the Scorpions, Led Zeppelin, Simon and Garfunkel, Pink Floyd (this proves how archaic I am). Jane Olivor. Enya. The Celtic Woman. Oh, yea, and Lana Del Ray - does that make me a masochist?
I once had a crush on Chris Isaak. Maybe I still do.
Are you kidding? I'll eat almost anything but sushi. I'm a junk food connoisseur. Pizza. Fish and chips. Anything Italian, Mexican, Hungarian, or German. Sea food.
I'm definitely not into fancy cuisine - like quail beaks with carrot curls. I want a side of beef with a pound of potatoes.
Various shades of blue. I'm a blue boy. Or yellow. I also love earth-tones and autumnal colors - - russet, peach, amber, subtle orange and gold, dashes of crimson, and the like.
Gardenias, above all else. White roses. Honeysuckle. I'm pro-flower, pro-nature.
Any final words?
Sounds like I'm going to be executed. I've said far too much already and have perhaps overstayed my welcome. I'll quote the final words of Isadora Duncan - before that scarf and the Bugatti launched her into oblivion -
Adieu, mes amis. Je vais a la gloire.
I'm still debating whether or not to post part two.....