Wednesday, March 23, 2016

IT'S ONLY THE BEER TALKING




I'm in a dangerously foul mood and I'm plied with beer. This is fair warning. I'm ready for a rumble.

I don't think "rumble" has been in anyone's vocabulary for fifty years, but what the hell.

And if any of you blog critics still think I'm writing too much about myself, buzz off and go read a boring blog. There are plenty of hausfraus out there blogging about recipes for lemon chiffon pies. Go find one.

The term "buzz off" hasn't been used since Cher was married to Sonny. Which has nothing to do with my age.

I was going to write more Easter crap but I'm not in the mood. I'll save it for later - when I'm feeling mellow and saccharine......

....which might not be for a few months.

So why are you in a foul mood, Jon?

Actually, I'm always in a foul mood but I'm adept at covering it up. When I'm plied with beer my Faux Happy Face dissolves and my evil alter ego comes to the surface. Ready to snap, bite, and rip to shreds.

I forced myself to drive into town this morning. Only because I haven't gone shopping in a month and I was out of everything. Including litter and chow for the damn trio of felines.

Scratch, Scruffy, and Bosco.

Today is Wednesday and - for some secret hillbilly reason that I've never been able to figure out - the banks and all public offices close at noon here on Wednesdays.

So, I had to get my ass in gear and race down the mountainside before noon in order to go to the bank. And I had to pile all my trash in the car to take to the dump. There's no trash pickup here in the boonies and it's an incredible inconvenience.

After all this time I still have NEVER gotten used to the long, winding, perilous, unnerving, harrowing, annoying, incredibly dangerous ride into town.
Did I mention harrowing?

It doesn't get any easier - in fact it gets worse. But I'm used to the curves, and they get smoother and more entertaining after I've ingested a few beers.

And the first person who lectures me on the reasons not to drink and drive is going to get bitch-slapped with my dirty hanky.



I've always lived dangerously and I have no doubt that I'll die that way. Only I'll die a lot sooner here in this freaking cursed wilderness.

I spent 200 bucks on groceries and didn't get half of what I needed. The worst part of shopping is when I arrive home. I live on a steep incline (to put it very mildly). When I park the car it's on an extreme slant. It takes all my strength to shove open the door and crawl out. Then I have to unload all of the groceries and haul them up another very steep slope to the back door.

All the while I'm hauling, I'm slipping and sliding on mud, fighting wasps bees and flies, and getting bombarded with gnats that get wedged in my contact lenses and go in my mouth.

Why do the gnats go in your mouth, Jon?

Because I'm so frickin' out of breath that I'm panting like Rin Tin Tin. My nose is clogged from allergies and sinuses. If I didn't breathe through my mouth, I'd suffocate. And when I breathe through my mouth, the gnats go in.

Why did you ever move to the mountain wilderness if you don't like it, Jon?  

I moved here to get away from bastards like you who ask too many questions.

Actually I love it here. I just hate all the inconveniences. 

It's suppose to rain all day tomorrow, so I'm glad I ventured to town today.

This has been one helluva gloomy post, Jon. Do you have anything positive to say?

Yea - all my critics are presently reading other blogs about how to make lemon chiffon pies. So I don't have to worry about them bitching about my blog.

and

I'm sure as hell glad I only have cats instead of children. My poor cousin Nancy ....how shall I say this tactfully?.... is presently in....a Family Crises Mode....

and

All the spring blossoms have survived the recent frosts. I've posted some recent photos for your visual delight.

now

I'm gonna take a nap. The effects of the alcohol will eventually wear off and I'll be back to my sweet, cute, sexy, interesting, irresistible self. 

I just threw that in to piss off my critics. 


 Blossoms this morning -
they survived the frost! 

  

28 comments:

  1. I get like this a lot jon ...i just need a battle

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    1. My bark is usually worse than my bite. I love a good rant.

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  2. that road doesn't look like fun. have a good sleep.

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    1. The photos don't do it justice. It's a rollercoaster from Hell.
      The cats seldom let me have a good sleep....

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  3. Well, we can't be all sunshine and fart rainbows constantly! I too have two sides, hence my Cruella Deville name at work. That first picture is quite beautiful, but now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go get a Dramamine after looking at that crazy road!!! If I lived there, I would look like Cruella driving.

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    1. I could relate to Cruella even when I was a kid. She has my type personality.

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  4. I just got home from seeing my allergy doctor. Her name is Nancy and she looks maybe 14 years old. Set me up with an new pill that promises I'll be able to walk uphill without leaving a snail-like mucus trail. Some of the nicest people I've ever known are named Nancy, and that goes for your cousin too --even though I've never met her-- and Nancys surely should be exempt from family crises. I hope this new nostrum works because I've got a firebreak to clear and more trees to trim. You know summer comes about 10 minutes after spring starts here, and I could use a beer. As always, all my best wishes.

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    1. I always seem to get the twelve-year-old dentists.

      My cousin Nancy truly is a saint. She is the hardest worker I ever saw and has a heart of gold. She's constantly helping other people. We are the same age, and when we were young we had lots of wild adventures together.

      I sure hope your new pills work. Clearing firebreaks and trimming trees is not for the weak ....or the allergy-prone.

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  5. Greetings from the Desert:

    If there are bugs here in the desert they wear little sweat bands, sunglasses and look they should be driving low riders! ha ha ha Beer=Truth. For me it is Bourbon.Bourbon and race horses. The only two things that ever came out of the Commonwealth of Kentucky worth a shit. My ancestral home. Wednesday is a half day so all the god damn bible thumpers can get ready for Wednesday night prayer meeting. Got to get ready to be filled with the holy spirit and hop around holding poisonous snakes, speaking in tongues and all that. I love Nevada! We stay up late, use bad language, drink, smoke, fornicate and gamble. The last stronghold of freedom in the United States.

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    1. I used to think that Texas was the buggiest place on earth - until I came to Tennessee.

      I knew that the Wednesday half-day had something to do with religion(my cousin tried to explain it to me). It's extremely annoying. These back-woods heathen hicks are weird.

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  6. Keep ranting, we will keep reading. Enjoy yourself.

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    1. Somehow, that's very reassuring.

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  7. You remind me of my BFF who died a couple of years ago. She loved to roar like a lion, but was indeed a pussy cat--just didn't want people to know it. She enjoyed a good rant because it was like mental exercise for her clever mind to find new ways to express her annoyance--and she always made me laugh, oh she of the lashing tongue. I think you would have liked Ruby. ;)

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    1. I write exactly like I think and often it makes me sound worse than I really am. Ranting is definitely good mental exercise. My mind isn't particularly clever, but I do my best. There's no doubt that I would have liked Ruby.

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  8. I can't recall the last time I've been so entertained! (Sorry, that's not to say I don't sympathize!) Honestly, I snorted at your third paragraph.
    ... and "Faux Happy Face"? That's so me, every Monday-Friday.

    That drive is gorgeous! I wonder if, when you're driving, you've ever an urge to channel some John Denver... "Take me hooooome ... country road."

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  9. I seem to be losing my sense of humor in my old age (not that I'm old, mind you)- so it's very encouraging to know that my ramble entertained you. Admittedly, I often entertain myself. My Mom had a great sense of humor, and - God knows - she needed it living with my father.

    When I'm piloting those winding roads, I'm usually too scared to channel John Denver (or anyone else). I used to like Denver, long ago. Later, his singing tended to annoy me.
    When the plane crashed, it was almost a relief.....

    Holy crap, I can't believe I just said that!

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  10. Jon,
    I only wish I could be on that mountain with you. I get so tired of the traffic and people here, in New Orleans. I would love to leave, but I can't because they don't really hire interior designers in the boonies!!
    Also, I love the blog, I don't get to reply too often as I stay quite busy. But just know that you are read and appreciated!!!

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    1. What a nice comment, James. I really appreciate it and hope you'll visit often. I used to love living in Los Angeles and thought I'd never leave - - but at this time in my life I crave the peace and privacy of the wilderness. There are many inconveniences but I still like it.

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  11. I hope you live in a chalet with a grand piano and not a shack with a dulcimer! I use to live in the mountains and miss the redbuds in Spring. I worried about Larry, Daryl and Daryl more than food or beer. But to be positive, from all the "inclines", you'll be able to climb the Duomo without getting out of breath.

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    1. I live in a shack with three cats and two pianos. I've fallen on these inclines so many times already that I'll eventually be too crippled to climb Duomo.
      I do love the spring redbuds.

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    2. Two pianos? I'm impressed! I had only one when I was still living and dying in Chicago, but had to give it up when I made the huge mistake of moving to the not so great Pacific Northwest. Sorry I'm so late to the party, but I've been suffering from a bad case of the Monday Blues all week long. I enjoyed reading this honest post big time. I hope you have a really good weekend, Jon.

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    3. I'm really sorry that your Monday blues have extended to Friday, but I can fully relate to it. I have been severely depressed for weeks and am only now beginning to snap out of it.

      I do have two pianos, but one is an old piano that my parents bought when I was ten. It has sentimental value. I actually haven't played the piano in a year - it's the longest I've ever been away from my music. I've been bombarded with too many problems lately. The problems never end, do they?

      I'm glad you enjoyed reading my latest rant.

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  12. Since you wrote this a couple days ago, I'll trust that you've sufficiently cleared the venom from your system, and your faux smile is now securely back in place. Venting is good for the soul. Better to spit it out on your blog than to take it out on some poor schmuck you happen to meet on your ventures into town. Since you're so attuned to music, I wonder if you play... or listen to... angry music when you're in a funky Nine Inch Nails kinda mood. (Um... happy spring?)

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    1. My faux smile is back in place - at least for awhile. My blog is definitely a good place to vent, but I try to be reasonably tolerable.

      Angry music? Not really. I usually use music as a way of soothing my soul. Last night I watched a performance of the opera "Carmen" on DVD.

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  13. I'm commiserating with your predicament heading straight downhill around those curves. But being plied with beer might be a good thing for me since I've been nursing a 103 fever and hardly able to move out of bed for past 3 days. The phelgm in my chest is so thick you can cut it with a knife. Glad you got your groceries and are not making any lemon chiffon pie.

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    1. I sure hope you're feeling better, Sometimes a good old fashioned vaporizer with Vicks will help reduce the phlegm.

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  14. The road to town is pretty but I like a little more edge on the sides so I can take my eyes off the road to look at the scenery.

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    1. When I drive to town I'm always too scared to look at the scenery!

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