Friday, March 4, 2016

REPEAT PERFORMANCE






For those of you new to my blog, I'll briefly recap my falls:

Twenty years ago I fell down a flight of stairs and landed directly on the base of my spine, sustaining a very (and I mean very) nasty injury.

I vowed it would never happen again.

Last winter, when I first moved to Tennessee, I fell on the ice twice - landing on the exact same spot of my spine. It's now a year later and I still have pain and trouble walking.

I vowed it would never happen again.

The mountain terrain on my property is all slopes and angles - there's not a level spot. It's treacherous when there's ice or rain. Hell, it's treacherous even on a dry day. I now use extreme caution whenever I walk outside, and I also use a walking stick.

Today was a rare dry day - no ice, no rain. But there is mud.

Need I go any farther? You can already guess what happened.

I walked out to my car to get a few things that were in the trunk: a twelve-pack case of Coke, a thirty pound bag of cat litter, and a four-roll pack of toilet paper.

I didn't bring a walking stick. My arms were loaded with all the stuff. I laboriously dragged myself up the hill and almost made it to the back porch.
That's when I slipped on some mud.

I wish I had this on video, because seeing it would be much more entertaining than describing it.

I was suddenly airborne.
I literally flew onto the back porch, head first, and landed directly on a lawn chair.

Somehow, the thirty pound bag of kitty litter landed on me, the Coke cans rolled everywhere, and only God knows where the toilet paper went. The once-sturdy lawn chair broke into pieces. And I mean pieces.

I had instinctively broken the fall with my arms and subsequently injured my wrists. A chunk of flesh was gouged out of my left wrist, courtesy of the metal lawn chair. It wasn't until I was laying there, face down, that my chest, knees, and left leg started hurting.

As stars and birdies swirled around my head - like in a Warner Brother's cartoon - I realized that I was fortunate I didn't land on my spine.



I really felt sick for several hours after I finally crawled inside. 
And I had unholy visions of what might have happened if I hadn't been able to get up:
After I froze to death and the coyotes were feasting on my body, my three cats would watch and laugh from the kitchen window.

Is there a happy ending to this tale of woe? Naw, not a chance. I not only ache in a wide assortment of uncomfortable places, my pride hurts, too.

And I vow that it will never happen again.



Since I have no photos of me falling on my ass in Tennessee, I've decided to treat you to these pics that were taken when I lived in Texas.

I had set the timer on my camera with the inane intention of taking some pictures of myself fooling around in a wheelbarrow. Naturally, the damn thing toppled over just as the camera was clicking.









 

22 comments:

  1. You just have to be careful John. At least when I fell a few weeks ago I was on the carpet. I had to stay there a while since it would do no good to yell at John. He is hard of hearing.

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    1. Falling can be extremely dangerous and it's surprising how many people fall at home. It's fortunate that you landed on a carpet - but it's a really a shame that John couldn't hear you.

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  2. Dang! ... and thank God it wasn't your spine. Have you any ace bandages and Epsom salts?
    I have to admit, those photos of you in/near the wheelbarrow are hilarious!

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    1. I have Epsom salts somewhere - - but what I really need is a direct line to a hospital. This wilderness living is eventually going to do me in....

      I think the wheelbarrow photos are funny, too!

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  3. tylenol or aleve for the pain. the descriptions of the coyotes and the cats made me snort.

    it's supposed to be warmer next week; try to find the coke cans and the TP.

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    1. I finally retrieved the cans and the T.P. (I'll really need the T.P.)
      Those bags of kitty litter can be damn heavy.....

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  4. Yikes! So glad you survived to tell the tale. I know what it is like to fall flat on your back *stars and bright lights* Please be careful in the future! You do have many people that care about you big time, Jon...

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    1. It's truly nice to know that others care - - I appreciate the sweet sentiments, Dylan.

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  5. It is so interesting to see how one can tell a story - at the end we might all sit in tears, or laugh our head off, or a mixture of both as with your story. To look at happenings with humour (though sometimes black humour) is a great way to lighten things up.
    (E.g. I know very few people who ever would admit that they even have to buy toilet-paper :-)
    Well, and to be determined to film oneself in a wheelbarrow is also a great way to put a little distance between you and the Ego... (Please bear with me using daft emoticons - I found out that people sometimes misunderstand my humour, expressed in a foreign language - that can provide sort of figuratively falls)

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    1. Humor is one of the few things that can help us get through bad times. I sometimes enjoy using my own version of "black humor", but - as you said - occasionally it can be misunderstood.

      I was initially a little reluctant to mention the toilet paper - but it is true, so I thought I might as well include it in my story (perhaps it adds a touch of humor....???)

      I appreciate your visit to my other blog.

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  6. Jon,

    Be careful out there. Yes, mud is a sneaky killer. I have had more slip, slides and almost splats on muddy trails than anywhere. It adds insult to injury, too, leaving you besmirched with itself and stains that refuse to ever stop reminding one of their misstep. We need a drone to follow us and film our pratfalls. When I fell in that creek last year, once realizing I could get up and wasn't going to drown, that was my very next thought. I wish this was on video. I hope you have no lasting pain or problems from this. And I didn't think toilet paper was taboo to speak of.

    Larry

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    1. If I was on level land I'm sure my falls would be minimal. Steep slopes and mud are a sure recipe for disaster. One thing, I have gained a new respect for Mother Nature.
      I've never fallen in a creek - - yet......

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  7. Its not funny, but the way you regale it , I was laughing. And the pictures add to the hilarity. Now do take care, and if you need, I'm available for wheel barrow rides and sponge baths.

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    1. Oh, it's funny all right - - but it would have been even more funny to see on video.
      Wheelbarrow rides....and sponge baths....would cheer me up immensely.....

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  8. You must be a sturdy physical specimen to have survived that fall but Jon, please be extra careful. I haven't experimented with falling since getting out of bed wrong 2 years ago. It can happen anywhere!

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    1. I've never thought of myself as sturdy, but I must be - - having survived so many physical disasters in this wilderness wonderland. I was proud of having been "extra careful" all winter - - this latest disaster really took me by surprise.
      Never let your guard down!!!

      I've never fallen out of bed (not yet, anyway) but I did have the harrowing experience of Bosco landing directly on my head while I was sleeping (it took several weeks for my face to fully heal).





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  9. Oh you poor thing! I fell on the ice and landed on my right knee on the sidewalk almost three weeks ago and the bruising and swelling are just about gone, but it is still tender to the touch. I don't rebound like I did when I was younger. Was lucky I didn't break anything--and I hope you didn't!

    I fell--am quite familiar with flying through the air actually--and smashed onto cement steps about 30 years ago. Landed just to the right of my spine as I was twisting to try to grab the railing (thank goodness or the doc said I might have broken my lower back). Was told that may be why I have arthritis and a degenerating spine in my lower back now. Please be careful. (People tell me that, too, and I thought I was being sooo careful yet I just fell again, too.) But I'll say please be careful anyways.

    Your cats wouldn't be laughing, BTW. Cats are too concerned with losing their personal food and poop slaves. ;)

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    1. Ha - you're so right about being personal food and poop slaves to cats.

      I'm sorry to hear about your recent fall. Ice can truly be deadly - - but mud (especially unexpected mud) ranks a close second. I've known many people who have fallen in and/or around their homes - it's a surprisingly dangerous place to be. I've never fully gotten used to this treacherous mountain terrain.

      I appreciate your kind thought.

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  10. (Please excuse this thought but I come by it naturally. My mother was a worrier and I seem to have inherited the proclivity as I age) I hope your cousin checks up on you regularly since you are out in the middle of nowhere. Do you carry your cell phone at all times? If it were me, I'd probably hang one of those Life Alerts around my neck.

    On a lighter note, the concept of unexpected consequences occurred to me. I think there is a "famous" quote regarding this but I got sidetracked reading Wikipedia's definitions. OMG, the section on "Perverse results" is hysterical.

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    1. My mother was a worrier, too - and I admittedly did a lot of things to worry her (which I now regret). My cousin does periodically check up on me, and I do carry my cell phone everywhere. Accidents always happen when you least expect them.

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  11. Falling stinks, try to keep the hairy side up.

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    1. I should probably be using a walker.....

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