Thursday, April 28, 2016


Hold onto your bras and jockstraps, I'm ready to do another Beer Rant and it could get very rough.

I'm not implying that any of you wear bras and jockstraps at the same time - - I'm merely assuming that some of you wear bras.....and some of you wear jockstraps.......
......and, of course, I'm sure that some of you don't wear anything at all (like me). Which makes holding on difficult.

So, what exactly is a Beer Rant, Jon, and why would you want to have one?

I'm glad you asked.
A Beer Rant is when I've ingested so many beers that I become bold enough to abandon all blogging etiquette - - and suddenly have the courage to say EXACTLY what I want, without worrying about who the hell I'm going to offend. 

It's a great feeling of freedom - - a release from the raw fear of critical chastisement.

You don't have any critics, Jon. You're too perfect.

Being perfect draws critics like flies on a buffalo booger. They're usually the invisible lurkers who never bother to comment. They despise my blog but read it with a masochistic fervor, gleefully hating every word (like that twerp from Montana - you know who I'm talking about).
They're also probably taking notes so they can write their own bestsellers. But it will never work. They can try to copy me but they can't think like me.

You're dangerously obsessed with this whole blog thing, Jon. It's like an ugly psychological flaw.

The root of it all is my low self-esteem.
I only have 32 frickin' "followers". Do you know how humiliating that is?
Hell. David Berkowitz has more followers than that.
I know of bloggers who died five years ago who still have more followers than that.  

Problem is, I seem to attract people who prefer to admire (tolerate?) me secretly, but don't want to be publicly acknowledged with associating with me. 

Uh - who's David Berkowitz?

Look him up. That's what Google is for. 

Change of subject 

I had a very rude awakening this morning. Remember Bosco's flying leap? Happened a few months ago when he accidentally landed on my face when I was sleeping and rendered my intriguing features into a hideous bloody pulp.
Well, he struck again this morning.

I was snugly ensconced in Dreamland, when Bosco jumped onto the bed and landed directly on my.....Family Jewels. Almost busted my balls.

(my shrieks were heard in Puerto Rico)

Good heavens, Jon! Were you seriously hurt?

Let me put it this way:
I can now sing the role of the Queen of the Night in The Magic Flute.

Think about that for awhile. It will eventually get funny.

always ready to pounce

I had to drive to town today, which explains why I ingested so many beers. Alcohol is a buffer between my inherent cowardice and the terrifyingly perilous mountain road.  

I had to go today for two reasons:

1. I was out of cat litter, cat food, milk, bread, and toilet paper. 

2. This was an extremely rare dry day. The weather forecast is predicting rain for the rest of the week and for the next six months. That's the usual Tennessee prediction.

The only place wetter than Tennessee is South Vietnam in the monsoon season.
And Chris Christie's armpits.

I also had to buy insecticide today. I always get the 10 gallon Industrial Peruvian Jungle brand. It'll last me about two weeks. 

The drive into town always confirms something that I surmised for a long time: woman drivers are FAR more aggressive than men. The genders have become askew. It's alarming.

There are two distinct kinds of drivers on the long and winding road that goes from my homestead into town:

1. Extremely impulsive, impatient women who almost always drive SUVs - -  one hand on the steering wheel - - the other hand clutching a cell phone or a cigarette. Tailgating at 85 mph. Riding two inches from my bumper (or my car's bumper). 

2. Extremely passive, lethargic men who always seem to drive a truck - - and are always directly ahead of me on the 50 mile stretch of a No Passing single-lane road. Going 10 mph. Today the truck driver in front of me was going 8 mph. I was almost ready to get out of my car and help push him.

When women get behind the wheel they develop Penis Power.

When men get behind the wheel they become Pussies.

Is this rant getting too boring?

You couldn't be boring if you tried, Jon.
But this drunken stupor of yours is inadvertently revealing a deeply-rooted hidden hangup: you seem to resent powerful women. Is that possibly the reason you don't like Hillary? 

Hey, I love powerful women. I just don't like despicable, abrasive, annoying, shrill, lying, cheating, fake, egotistical, insincere, bone-chillingly unbearable ones.

You'd better get used to the fact that she's going to be our next President, Jon.

I have no doubt. All the stupid assholes who voted for our first Muslim president will be voting for our first grandma president.

There goes your 32 "followers", Jon. Within half an hour it will be down to 3. Or 4 if you're lucky.
Now, admit it. Won't it be thrilling to finally have a woman in the Oval Office?

We've already had women in the Oval Office. They were giving blow jobs to Bill. 

I'll have you know that Hillary has been compared to Eleanor Roosevelt. 

Face the facts, Kemo Sabe - the only thing Hillary and Eleanor have in common is orthopedic shoes. 

You're truly unbecoming when you're drunk! Your hideous side is showing.

Yea, and your crazy side is showing. 
I'll be sober tomorrow. You'll be crazy the rest of your life.

I stole that line from W.C.Fields. I figured it was a fairly plausible way to end this post.
And very possibly my blogging career.

Check out the Headless Queen on my photo blog:  


  1. Once again I am in awe of your talent and insight. A modern day Oscar Wilde with a little touch of Charles Bukowski thrown in. An artist, philosopher, renaissance man. Your blog is among the best on the internet. I am sorry that the world is not beating a path to your blog so they too can sit at the feet of the master and glean from your wisdom. I have been drinking too! ha ha ha ha ha

    1. Your extremely kind comments have me blushing. You should definitely drink more often.

  2. Hell, the only person that ever comments on my humble little blog is you! I'm in a state of shock if somebody dares to read and comment on a post of mine. Don't feel so bad, Jon. It can get much worse: There's a wonderful blogger living with cancer in England (her posts are always wise, cheerful, optimistic, and often quite humorous), yet she NEVER gets any comments.

    I've left her a few over the last two years, but since I'm the only one who dares to tell her how wonderful her blog is - I'm afraid she might think I'm a stalker or something, so I just remain grateful (and silent) about the whole thing.

    Oh, I did have one very nice chap (sarcasm) that loved to tell me how "gay" my blog is. That's one of the reasons I use the "Approval" feature. Life is too short for such nonsense. Rest assured that your blog is cherished by many, and screw the critics. Also, quality is much better than quantity in my book and it seems like your followers are all very bright and sensitive. Much deeper than anything you'll ever find on Facebook. Hang in there!

    1. so I just visited. you look interesting. I will check you out later today.

    2. I truly value your input Dylan (especially since it's so favorable!). Much like you, I am sometimes hesitant to leave too many comments on other blogs for fear that I will be considered a nuisance. I sometimes feel that way about your blog, because I don't want to seem like a "stalker" (although I'm admittedly attracted to your personality).

      You have a very tasteful blog - it's definitely not "too gay". Mine should probably be more gay - but I try not to be too offensive. I often just let people read through the lines.

      I've been blogging a long time and have never figured out how to attract "followers". You're right, though, in saying that it's the quality of our readers - not the quantity.

    3. I meant to say "between the lines" not "through" them.

    4. @jon - you can ALWAYS leave comments on my blog!

  3. well, here it is, 6:45a on thursday morning and I am pissing myself. since I have nothing to clutch (bra or jock), I'mma just gonna grab my coffee cup and have a good laugh.

    up here, the men are the crappy drivers. and some of the tiniest women drive those huge SUVs. and I don't like hillary. but I dislike the rump even more.

    1. And we know we don't need to tell you about wear bra and underwear........Anne Marie airs it all out!!!!!

    2. It's always a very satisfying feeling when I can make people piss on themselves.

    3. as maddie always says: "clean up on aisle 8!"

    4. How big is your Christmas stocking anne marie? I wont to know how much poise to buy you this year.

  4. Love your Rants....!! and you are right about those drivers....

    1. Delighted to know that you enjoy my rants. Drivers seem to be alike just about everywhere, but here in TN most of the men are slower and more passive.

  5. Glad I stopped by, I needed the laughs. You should run for president, saying what you really think seems to be very popular with part of the electorate.

    1. I'm always delighted to provide laughs. I actually loathe politics....but I wouldn't mind being the Queen....oops, or rather the King.

  6. Pussy Power has it's advantages. Ball busting in some circles is one of them. But you're far too sweet to have Bosco playing with your family jewels so early in the morning, in such a hurtful manner. Beer rants should become a regular feature here. Then you can tell us what you really think with no repercussions. FREEDOM of SPEECH is something all of us bloggers adhere to. As for the driving, I have issues too. Some PRICK(pardon the expression, can I say that here) in an RV sideswiped me yesterday on the interstate. I'm lucky to be alive. Now that I've ranted, I need a beer. It's 5 o'clock somewhere, right? Love you Jon. Keep writing.

    1. I'm so sorry to hear that you were sideswiped yesterday. The older I get, the more I dislike driving. It scares the jeeters out of me. It's hard to believe that I used to fearlessly pilot those Los Angeles freeways.
      Perhaps I should blog drunk more often. My true personality emerges (wow, that's a frightening thought).

  7. What a funny post!!! Soon as I heard Hillary was running, my ex who was in politics said she will probably win....he called it years ago. I just had a thought. Could you imagine you and I drinking together??? Who cares about how many followers....besides I think bloggers gain new followers, but with Google sign up, some aren't showing up. Its the quality of you blog that counts....and you have it!

    1. The thought of you and I getting drunk together gives a whole new meaning to term "delicious insanity".

      I think more people used to sign up as "followers" long ago. My old blog "Lone Star Concerto" had about 150 followers - and, in retrospect, it was a crappy blog.

    2. "Delicious Insanity" by golly that has a beautiful ring to it. That was make a swell title for either of our autobiographies!!!!!! I also wanted to add, that I also think it is nice you featured the most flattering picture of Hillary you could find, lol!!!!!

  8. Glad you didn't delete this as I didn't see it until this morning. Had an epidural shot in my back yesterday and spent most of the afternoon in a coma. Feel so much better today. Anyway, I too have an ominous feeling in the pit of my stomach that H is going to be our next president. One of the most inane reasons I've heard is that it's because, "It's her turn," since she didn't win in '08. Gag. Despite the many (many) accusations against her, her blind followers maintain that none of them have been proven so they must be lies. Bullpuckie. Not being convicted has nothing to do with whether a person is guilty or not. She and Bill are far too powerful and corrupt to get caught with their pants down (except for Bill that one time...)

    1. I've never had an epidural shot but I desperately need one. I've been in absolute agony for the past few weeks. Getting out of bed is excruciating - but fortunately it's gets a little better once I start moving around.

      As I said, all the assholes wanted a "black" president....and now they crave a female president - no matter how corrupt or incompetent she is. It's beyond disgusting......

    2. I highly recommend the epidural shots. They don't last forever but give such relief for a time. Just be sure you go to a place where you can be anesthetized so you don't feel the injection. Someone will have to drive you home afterwards but you don't feel the agony that so many people say the shots incur.

  9. I like drunk Jon!
    Cheryle in NC

    1. Those are sweet words to my ears. More people should think like you.

  10. I, too, was ready to p*** myself when I first read this at work. Awkward.
    I'd to see love more episodes of the Beer Rant -- tho not so common as to diminish its hysteria.

    Hillary? I don't know if I fear or loathe her more. I'm afraid this isn't a UNITED states any longer; perhaps a civil (non)war is, in the end, the best recourse. (There went my own remaining followers, eh?)

    1. Hey, when I'm soused the hysteria is never diminished.
      What frightens me the most (besides Hillary) is the seriously waning mental capacity of the masses. I.Q. tests should be given before you're allowed to vote.

  11. Jon,

    Beer rant? I think cheer rant; put a smile on my face. Great fun to read and full of truth, in my opinion. The only bad part about it is your complaint about a low number of followers, which was disheartening because you have more and me. Its good when a writer has a means of strangling the inner editor.


  12. I suppose it's a beer rant and a cheer rant.
    Unfortunately, the best blogs often have a low number of followers.

  13. By the way, I forgot to mention how much I love the kitty pics: The one of Bosco (posing in front of the painting) is a classic!

    1. I took that photo with my cell phone, so it didn't come out very clear. Bosco is the most photogenic out of all three of my cats.

  14. Well...personally...I love you blog .......especially your rants.....

    Melanie :)

  15. I have 10 followers, down from 14. Oh well. My mom is the one who always drove up my stats anyway. Ha! Thanks for the laugh, by the way. Cheers!


I love comments. Go ahead and leave one - I won't bite. But make sure you have a rabies shot just in case.