I wrote that essay long ago and have been posting it on my blog every Memorial Day for the past decade (almost).
It's one of my personal favorite "literary" efforts. Ironically, it is always the least-read post on my blog.
Okay, take a deep breath. We're going into Rant Mode.
So how did I spend my Memorial Day weekend?
Wait a minute, Jon. Why did you change to a larger font?
So that you can actually READ this fricking post. I'm tired of visiting blogs that offer 10,000 word diatribes with a microscopic font. It assaults my eyes and pisses me off. When I write something, I want you to actually see it.
We see it, Jon.
My Memorial Day weekend can be summed up in a few words: heat, wasps, weeds, spiders, mice, cats. Did I mention weeds?
Thanks to the perpetual rain (it rains here about 360 days a year) the weeds have assumed Twilight Zone dimensions. They are now nearly as tall as myself (I'm 6'1" without my boots) and far more obstinate (than myself). They have completely engulfed my house and are threatening to consume it.
The last time I was in town somebody suggested "Use Roundup on your weeds".
(Roundup is a popular weed killer here in the U.S.- - for those of you in the Hebrides).
Roundup, my ass!! (hence the title)
Hey, I'm in a forest, surrounded by wilderness acres. My weeds have taken on H.G.Wells proportions, with Amazon animosity (I'm not talking online shopping Amazon - - I'm talking jungle rain forest Amazon).
Roundup is for warts on potted petunias. I need plows and teams of horses, heavy trackers (as opposed to light ones), sickles, machetes, and Divine Intervention from God Almighty.
I've lately been spraying the weeds with a wicked mixture of bleach and salt.
And the first one of you prissy-pansy environmentalists who tells me I'm destroying the environment is going to get a liberal shot of the bleach mixture right up your (you fill in the blank).
I used "liberal" just to annoy you.
You think Donald Trump is outspoken?
Just thank your booties that I'M not running for President. I'd make Trump look like Shirley Temple.
a jungle jumble of weeds
Today I braved the humidity and jungle bugs to attack the weeds with a humongous pair of shears.
I keep the shears outside and - just as I was about to pick them up - I saw a HUGE black spider on them. Having to kill it only intensified my misery.
Spiders and wasps are everywhere. The wasps are extremely aggressive and chase me as soon as I step outside. They wait by the door. The spiders pop up unexpectedly and scare the living Jeeters out of me.
I was in my bedroom late last night, reading (Russian history, in case you're curious). Suddenly -
I looked at the window and saw a huge black spider creeping in (must have been the other black spider's big brother).
Yes, I do have screens on my windows. But spiders ignore them.
I jumped up (not an easy task with my bad back) and ran outside on the back porch to get the bug spray (I accidentally left it out there).
By the time I got back to the bedroom - let's all say it together -
THE SPIDER WAS GONE!!!
I looked everywhere, and then looked everywhere again. Where the hell did it go?? It probably crawled into my bed and is waiting there for me to go to sleep, so it can nest in my hair.
About half an hour later (I'm still in a terrified sweat over the awol spider) my cat Scruffy runs in carrying a mouse by the tail. Holy shit!
She drops the mouse and it quickly takes shelter behind a big chest of drawers.
I'm on my hands and knees, trying to coax the mouse out - while still glancing around everywhere in fear of the spider. While my back is still hurting.
After the passing duration of a delightful hour, I finally manage to trap the mouse in a cardboard mailing cylinder that I happened to have.
mouse in cylinder
The mouse looked so cute that I didn't have the heart to kill him (I'm a sweetheart). I ventured outside at 3:00 am and dumped the hapless rodent in a nearby field.
He'll probably return to the house, but what the hell.
And that, my friends, is only a fraction of what I did on Memorial Day weekend.