Sunday, June 26, 2016

AN ODE TO THOSE WHO LEFT ME







Warning: this post was written while I was drunk and might be offensive to sober people.

 Is this going to be about your ex-lovers, Jon?

No, Kemo Sabe. If I ever wrote about my ex-lovers it would easily be a 10,000 page manifesto. This is an ode to all the readers who abandoned my blog.

You've already done that subject to death, Jonathan. It's old news. Nobody cares.

The subject entertains me and irritates my readers. What more could I ask for? Besides, I just drank two or six beers and can feel a sudden burst of literary inspiration.
Or maybe it's only gastroesophagal reflux.

Anyway, it's no secret that within the past few months numerous readers have abandoned my blog (for trivial and petty reasons, but that's beside the point).

Since nearly all of these disgruntled ex-patriots still leave comments on other blogs that I frequent, I'm wondering if there is any special form of blogging etiquette on how I should handle the awkward situation.

No entiendo, senor.

To put it bluntly, I feel very uncomfortable leaving comments on blogs that are frequented by people who hate me. Should I expound?

Not really.

There's one particular lady who's comment addicted. She leaves comments on every blog I've ever seen.  She's generally a sweet, loving, considerate person - and she used to be a faithful reader of my blog, until I happened to mention my disdain for Hillary Clinton. 

This must have coincided with a menopausal chemical imbalance or something, because she completely freaked, lashed out with the fury of a tigress, and dropped me like a newly microwaved burrito.

Problem is - every time I leave a comment on someone's blog, her comment always pops up right next to mine. It's an uncanny coincidence. I've tried leaving comments on blogs that  she doesn't read, in order to avoid her. But - no matter where I go - her comments inevitably appear simultaneously with mine. It's spooky. Should I stop leaving comments on all blogs?

Why don't you just chill out and ignore her, Jon? She probably doesn't even remember you. Few people do.

I'm going to politely ignore that snide remark.

Then there's the old European lady who's a "serious" writer (or so she claims) and a tedious stuffed shirt. She could be Queen Victoria's evil reincarnation. This old broad used to like my blog and occasionally (and reluctantly, I think) admitted that I had an uncanny ability to toss words together. Then one day I wrote a political rant which caused her to go ballistic. She finally found her true tongue and used it to lash me soundly.

After inflicting an enthusiastic chastisement, she told me that I was extremely rude and completely insensitive to people.....and advised me (I am NOT kidding) to take sensitivity training classes!!

I'll have you know that "Sensitivity" is my middle name. I am extremely  compassionate, caring, loving, sympathetic, and wholeheartedly sensitive to the feelings of others. And I'm always tactful.

What did I have to say to her?

Blow it out your ass, grandma!!



 Rats fleeing my blog


I think everybody in Blogland knows about that old man who lives in the desert. He's a blogger and he hates EVERYBODY and EVERYTHING (should "every thing" be one word or two??). 

He's constantly bitching about other people's blogs. When he started following my blog I was admittedly very worried. If this guy hated normal people's blogs, what the hell would he think of mine?

In all my years of blogging I've never felt intimidated by a reader. This old cougar scared the living japoozies out of me. I was afraid to write anything.

I just made "japoozies" up. Nothing racial or radical is intended.

When he bluntly informed me that he hates poetry and complaints, I totally panicked. Holy shit - - my entire life consists of poetry and complaints.
He finally abandoned me - - and I breathed an extended sigh of immense relief.
The desert heat does strange things.....

And how about that man from Montana? He has health problems, but - what the hell - so do I. That doesn't give me the right to trash other people's blogs.

This guy used to leave COLD comments on my blog. I could actually feel the chill. They were more frigid than a Montana December.
One day he suddenly informed me that he had read over 100 of my blog posts (no, I'm not joking) and he concluded that I'm completely "full of myself". All I do is talk about myself - - and (get this) I congratulate myself at the end of every post!

I don't know what medications this dude is ingesting, but I haven't "congratulated" myself since Napoleon was in diapers.

And, quite frankly, if I ever read 100 of my own blog posts it would probably drive me to suicide. Believe it or not, I very often hate what I write after rereading it. Really.
BTW - read the comments on this post. There is a happy ending - - a truce between me and Montana!

I won't mention the trio of readers who abruptly abandoned my other blog Cabinet of Curious Treasures
All three were "offended" by my homoerotic implications. 

Hey, I'm almost always halfheartedly careful about the things I post. I try to be tasteful (with great difficulty - but I try, nevertheless). If my readers are homophobic, perhaps they should go to a more benign and wholesome retreat - - like Peewee Herman's Playhouse.

You're good, Jon. Perhaps you should write a Hollywood screenplay.

The real ass kicker is the latest lady who abandoned my blog. She used to love me. She even pimped my blog a few times (nothing sexual, for those of you in Des Moines). She is intelligent, has a great sense of humor, and loves cats. Could I ask for more? Everything was going as smooth as a Dairy Queen Blizzard.....


......until I favorably mentioned Donald Trump and the NRA - - both of which she loathes with pathological intensity. She blew up like the engine in a '59 Edsel.
And, of course, she dropped me like a used condom in an Adult Bookstore parking lot.

Intense visual supplements are my specialty.

I regret that she's gone and will genuinely miss her. Perhaps one day, when she finally sobers up, she'll realize her big mistake.

Curiously, none of my gay readers have abandoned me. Well, not yet, anyway. Give it time. That's because gays have compassion. And impeccable good taste.

It's a rare thing to find a blogger who is interesting, intelligent, witty, and  colorful. Not to mention cute. And who isn't petty enough to abandon anyone  simply because of a silly disagreement.

I was talking about myself, in case you didn't know. 

Actually, I'm delighted when people abandon my blog.  It neatly eliminates the insincere and narrow-minded. I don't need those kinds of lightweights in my life. I cherish sincerity.

If anyone else wants to abandon my blog, feel free to go. The loss will be yours, not mine. And you can be sure that I'll feature you and your impudence on a future post.

Wow! You're pressing your luck, Jon! Arrogance, threats, and back alley intimidation will get you nowhere. Nobody likes a bully.

I'm pressing all the right buttons today, Kemo Sabe - - and it has a joyous, purging effect.


You really get a kick out of inflicting verbal retaliation, don't you?

It's almost better than giving a physical kick in the ass. Almost.....

You can't fool me. Janos the Terrible is really just an old softie - - whose bark is far worse than his bite.

An apt observation, Kemo Sabe. But I do occasionally bark and bite. And I'm sure as hell not always soft.

Many exciting implications can be extracted from those simple words, Jon.


  Amigo, this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.


 ...off into the sunset together....

There. That wasn't too painful, was it?

  

18 comments:

  1. I learned from my friend and fellow blogger tom stephenson
    Very blog drunk!
    And he should know

    ReplyDelete
  2. Jon
    I'm the by now infamous guy from Montana who left, one evening, a very ill-advised comment, which has more reactions than any on any blog I've ever written. I was astounded, then figured 'what the hell, caught him on a bad day, etc.', but it seem to come up, over and over. And Jon? That was the first one I've ever, ever on your blog. 100 reads, as I've come to realize, was indeed an exaggeration. Not sure, now might be 20 or so.
    I do read your blog, not sure each post, but I do, because I usually enjoy it, and it interests me, in a not-snotty academic way.
    My comment, in my read and re-read and re-read, is that I was just being snarky, and unpleasant that evening. My apologies.
    So, best of luck.
    Mike

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mike, I have been unduly hard on you many times and I'm not proud of myself for it. I used your long-ago comment as an example of the people who loathe me - perhaps unfairly. I'm a rational person (sometimes) and I did take your sentiments with a grain of salt.

      I sincerely applaud you for enduring my blog - which isn't always an easy task. There are, admittedly, many times when I am "full of myself" - although I seldom congratulate myself. There are also many times when I truly regret things that I've written.

      In essence, my bark is indeed worse than my bite. And I heartily thank you for having the courage and decency to leave the above kind comment.
      My very best to you, Jon

      Delete
    2. Tell ya' what, if you'd maybe start reading my blogs and commenting, maybe I'd get something more interesting than the 'Yes, I agree with you." I'd like that a whole bunch, because this stuff of putting opinions out there and no body saying "Hey, wait a minute, bozo..." is not interesting. So, here's a request, pal.

      Delete
    3. I didn't think you were still blogging - I'll check it out...although my comments are seldom interesting.

      And when people finish reading my posts, they're usually too bewildered to know what to say. The ones brave enough to chastise me should be given credit.

      Delete
  3. After reading the comment above,perhaps you need to "paranoid" to your self description. Ha ha ha.....humor.

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  4. Jon, your description of how it feels to lose subscribers is almost supernaturally accurate. When those faces disappear from the gallery, it's disheartening. I feel it too, though loathe to admit it, as a conspicuous absence --a question mark. As to your your opinions being different from mine, that's never stopped me from making friends before. It's sort of like your reference to homoerotic imagery --to escape that we'd have to destroy at least half the art in the world, starting with religious art. We all get along well enough without having to debate these differences with everyone we meet, however I do take exception to you inventing "japoozies" right when I was figuring how many jeeters make a bejeezus.

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  5. You lose readers. And then you gain new ones (such as me).
    It's called 'balance'
    You're doing just fine.
    C.

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  6. Of course, the overly-curious me is trying to name names ... with only moderate confidence. Then I thought, why bother? They're already receiving more publicity than they deserve.

    I'm glad you re-published this, Jon.
    Mostly, I like your mention of insincerity ... it is, without doubt, my biggest pet-peeve.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Frankly I liked the visuals you invoked. Though I'm still a little squeamish about the possibility of finding a used condom in an actual BOOK in an Adult Bookstore, rather than the parking lot. TRUTH is this. It's your blog. You call the shots. If there is a mass exodus, so be it. You'll find MORE readers are lurking than commenting. And LOVE you MORE than you know. REALLY.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I have missed your blog while away. I will make a mental note on the "And I'm sure as hell not always soft" comment!!!!! Anyway...you should not have to change your reading and commenting habits for anything. It no different than a party where one of your arch rivals may be. Why miss going because of a couple people and miss a good time??? You can please some of the people some of the time, but not everyone all of the time. I really believe in that.

    xoxo

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  9. Isn't blogging fun? Do you remember the on going fight the two women had in AOL Journals?

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  10. why jon, I didn't know you cared! we will just have to agree to disagree on some subjects.

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  11. What a dull world we would be if we were all the same....difference is what makes the world interesting....keep on keeping on Jon....your neighbor to the East loves your blog and welcomes your opinions.

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  12. I read, but don't often comment. Keep writing and we will keep reading.

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  13. I may not comment often, but I am always reading. If we were all alike and thought the same what fun would blogging be? Keep on keeping on! :-) Sheila

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  14. I don't comment often, but I always read. If we were all alike and thought the same what fun would blogging be? Keep on keeping on! Sheila
    PS. This is my second try, don't know where the first comment went.

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  15. I've lost a lot of followers, too, but c'est la vie. I don't spend as much time visiting other blogs as I used to, either. It's all part of the ebb and flow.

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I love comments. Go ahead and leave one - I won't bite. But make sure you have a rabies shot just in case.