I've been drinking beer all afternoon which has seriously modified my usual astoundingly acute senses. That's not an excuse, it's merely an admission.
I had planned on driving to town today. I've been procrastinating this excursion for two weeks, using every excuse possible to validate my intense trepidation. Today was supposed to be cloudy and rainy. I had no doubt about the validity of the forecast, since it's cloudy here 350 days a year and it rains 360 days a year.
Well, surprise, surprise. Today was sunny, not a cloud in the sky. It was 96 degrees (Fahrenheit, for those of you in the Hebrides) with 100 percent humidity.
My car - the air conditioner of which isn't working properly - was at least 450 degrees inside. I could have easily used it to cook a Thanksgiving turkey. Or nuke a Democrat.
I just threw that in to piss you off.
The thought of piloting treacherous mountain roads in the heat accompanied by five large bags of putrid trash (to be taken to the city dump) was more than I could tolerate. I opted to stay home.
And drink beer.
I'm low on cat litter. I'm out of milk and bread. My cell phone is dead and my 80-year-old digital camera needs batteries. I don't give a crap. I'll go tomorrow. Maybe.
Take a breath, Jon - a change of subject is in order.
Did you ever notice that the title of your blog post is a great indication of how many readers it will attract? It's true. If your post is called Sunday Afternoon, your grandmother will read it. And maybe a member of the Crumpet Committee in Yorkshire.
Title your post Naked Gay Porno Hunks in Hollywood, and you'll get more hits than a Saturday night hooker at a Plumber's Convention in Reno.
Nobody cracked a smile. Try another subject.
My recent Hate List post got an impressive number of hits, undoubtedly because Ron kindly pimped it on his blog.
I just suddenly thought of three more things that I hate.
Commercials. Spell Check. And Twitter.
I cannot comprehend the popularity and appeal of Twitter. I had a Twitter account a few years ago. I sat there for two weeks trying to figure out what the hell to Twitter about. Couldn't think of a thing. I'm definitely not a three-word type person. It's below the realms of my vast creative repertoire to twitter.....or tweet. I'll leave tweeting to the twits.
As unbelievable as it sounds, I heard through the proverbial grapevine that at least two people were afraid to read my Hate List for fear of what I might say.
I ask (with absolute astonishment):
Who the hell do you think I am - - Mengele? Vlad the Impaler? Leona Helmsley??
Are my opinions really that frightening?
Don't answer that. It was a rhetorical question.
Perhaps you don't really know me.
I was the sissified wimp you picked on in school.
I'm the guy who was afraid of my violent father until I was forty.
I'm the sap who panicked when my kitty was missing and went out to look for her in a torrential downpour.
(as dramatically described in a recent blog post).
So what's to fear?
Why don't we end this post on a positive note - -
and not a moment too soon.
I'll list some of the things that I love!
My "hate" list was incredibly long.This list should be quick.
I love kissing on a first date. Especially if it's with a lumberjack or a linebacker.
I just threw that in to knock the timid off their seats.
I don't mean writing checks. I mean foolishly and shamelessly revealing the depths of my soul via the written word.
3. Playing the piano.
I'm a tea addict - hot or iced
7. Antiques and nostalgia
8. Old movies
9. The wonders of nature
10. The magical hours between dusk and dawn
So far, this is so incredibly boring that even I'm squirming in embarrassment.
Should I add purring kitties, walks on the beach, romantic candlelight, and beautiful sunsets?
Holy shit, Jon. You've turned into a Miss America contestant. Why don't you add "world peace" ?
All right, damn it. How about vampirism, true crime murder mysteries, demolition derby, cold beer, hot sex, anything chocolate (I'm talking food), and....
.....rainbows with pots of gold at the end of them.
Jonathan, that's disgustingly tacky and trite.
Fear not. I'll probably regain my faculties when I'm sober.
Ya know what I really hate? Endlessly long blog posts.....