Sunday, August 21, 2016

OLYMPIC OBSERVATIONS





Fair Warning:
I'm in a foul mood and this post is going to be brutal, ruthless, and offensive. If you can't handle it - leave now and go to the Disney Channel. 

I remember a long-ago time when I loved the Olympics and was completely caught up in the excitement and magic of the occasion.

Has the entire concept of the Olympics changed for the worst, or is it only me?
This time around - after two excruciatingly long and joyless weeks of unabashed athlete worship - I'm counting the minutes until the damn thing is over.

I no longer have a TV and now I know why.

I watched the Olympics via live stream (that's kinda like a steady piss) on the computer. Since American live stream isn't always reliable, I occasionally had to switch to the French sports channel.
You haven't lived until you've watched the Olympics in French.

Here are my random, haphazard, unedited observations of the Rio Summer Games:

The most disorganized, unappealing Opening Ceremonies I ever saw. It looked like an explosion at the Cirque du Soleil. 
The Save the Trees lecture on environmental awareness was annoyingly inappropriate. To hell with the trees - - why isn't something being done to clean up Rio's polluted water?

Since Brazil's female President Dilma Rousseff is in the process of being impeached (ya hear that, Hillary?), V.P. Michel Temer had to take her place. His bizarre, rambling speech at the Opening Ceremonies encouraged us to welcome and love all of the wonderful immigrants that invade our countries. 
Yea, that's exactly what the good ol' United States did, and the immigrants f*ked us over with such gratuitous acts as 9-11 and the Orlando massacre (to mention only two out of hundreds).

Here's a flash, Senor Temer: the Olympics isn't the place for political statements. 

And why all the news media adulation over the female athlete who wore the Burka? (Obama will undoubtedly throw a party in her honor).
I don't give a rat's ass if she wore Fruit of the Looms on her head.
 

I love the Olympic Hymn - but that church choir of children who sang it completely destroyed it. Their unemotional rendition was far too fast.

Give them a break, Jon. They're only children.

Yea? Well, maybe instead of using the Romper Room Brigade, they should have used some adults who could actually sing. 

And while I'm on a roll - where the hell is the Olympic flame???
They kept moving it from one place to another until, finally, even NBC couldn't keep track of it. It's probably somewhere in Guam by now, for all we know.

 Bob Costas

And while I'm on the subject of NBC - - did anyone notice that Bob Costas no longer has any facial expressions due to the face lift? I don't even think his eyes are able to blink.

Mary Carillo

And here's the burning question that I've had for years:
What is the deal with Mary Carillo???
Is she a man?
Transvestite? 
Transgender?
She has been on NBC for every Olympic Game since Euripides was molesting houseboys - - and I still can't figure out her gender.
My uneducated guess is that she's a Lesbian, taking male hormones. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Another (unrelated) question:
Are there any age requirements for the athletes?
Why do all the Chinese women look like they're six years old?

Did anyone notice that all of the announcers and commentators on NBC have high, shrill, unbearably annoying voices?
And those are the men. The women are even worse.
Except for Mary Carillo, of course.

In my humble opinion, just because you're an ex-athlete doesn't necessarily mean you'll make a great sports announcer.

While we're on the subject of ex-athletes, they dragged Tara Lipinski out of the dust bin to make a commercial for Subway.
Wasn't she a World Champion skater fifty years ago when she was three?

Hey, she was a sweet kid, Jon.

Sweet, my ass. She irked me back then, and she irks me even more now.

Isn't there ANY redeeming factor about the Olympics, Jon? Didn't anything inspire you or bring tears to your eyes?

Yea. I got tears this afternoon when I realized that I wasted two precious weeks watching this crap. 

Surely you jest.
  

Don't call me Shirley.
Okay, okay.  You broke me down. It was admittedly inspiring to see Michael Phelps win another fifty gold medals.

He has a total of 28 Olympic Medals, Jonathan. 23 are gold.

Whatever. After you win two or three, it sort of loses it's meaning.

Any other thoughts?

That girlfriend of his, with the baby, is hanging onto him like grim death. I saw the dollar signs in her greedy eyes. 

You're just a jealous bitch, Jon.

I probably shouldn't say this - because lots of people are listening - but (just between you and me) doesn't Michael Phelps look...a little bit....like Alfalfa?


 
 You're really brilliant, Jon, but very few people appreciate it.
Are you finally done with your Olympic Observations?

Not quite. There's one thing that REALLY pisses me off. Well, actually two things:

VOLLEYBALL AND GOLF.
They DO NOT belong in the Olympics!!!!

Golf is something you do in Palm Springs when you're eighty-five.

Volleyball is something you do in Venice Beach (California) when you're sixteen. 

The only reason they threw volleyball  in the Olympics was to kill time with an endless T and A Fest.

That's Tit and Ass, for those of you in Kansas.

Hours and hours and hours of clueless, sweaty anorexic babes in skimpy bikinis, batting that friggin' ball around over the net.....  

Calm down, Jon, and take a deep breath. I think your time is up.

Admit it, Kemo Sabe - this was one helluva entertaining post. And any sourpuss who didn't think it was funny is completely hopeless.

  

46 comments:

  1. Love it, love the whole thing, love your sense of humour. You really were a cutie. I like your cats, I'm a dog person, but I still like cats. I'm off now to read your popular posts.

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    1. Forgot to say I do like the olympics but not all of it so have been watching catch up. Didn't see the opening ceremony so can't comment.

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    2. I like dogs, too, but cats are much more suited to my personality. I'm always delighted when my sense of humor is appreciated. Strangely enough, some people don't think I have one....

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  2. I think the last olympics I watched was in the 70s. may lou retton and nadia gymnastics routines.

    I don't watch tv nor do I live piss stream; I have better things to do, like read a book.

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    1. Time is valuable and the Olympics is a waste. Reading a book instead is a very good idea...

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    2. I should have said "the Olympics ARE a waste".
      Perhaps I should be reading more books...

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  3. My mother used to tell me about Romper Room. LOL!

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    1. I'm surprised that anyone still remembers Romper Room....

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    2. Hey! I remember the Romper Room. Mr. Rodgers was my favorite though. A guilty pleasure I used to watch when I was a young adult (in my 20's) but was to embarrassed to tell anyone. Now I don't care who knows.

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    3. I was really joking, y'all. My first words were "Howdy Dowdy"!

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  4. Jon,

    Can't comment much on the Olympics, except lets stop spending all that money to build future decaying ruins and do something about the condition real people have to live in. I no longer watch the thing (things?) I started to lose interest when this greatest of amateur sports events began allowing professionals to compete and I totally quit them with those creepy opening and closing ceremonies. And you are right, political comments have no place there because the "Games" were supposed to lift us above politics to a competition between people. Furthermore, this whole global climate push is a scam and a fraud.

    Larry

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    1. I lost interest in the Olympics when the professionals began competing, too. It destroyed the entire concept of the games. I've noticed that the Olympics has been getting more politically inclined in recent years. The whole thing is really a waste of time and money.

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    2. What a point Larry! All the old Olympian villages and stadiums are mostly abandoned. What a waste of money, and land preservation.

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  5. Replies
    1. Paula, you didn't miss anything.

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  6. Team GB IS 2nd in the medals table how good is that?

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    1. I didn't even know that. NBC usually only dwells on the American medals.

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    2. Jon,
      You're right, NBC doesn't care about the other countries medal count, only the American and that only if they're leading.
      Ron

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  7. I didn't watch the Olympics and haven't watched for years.

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    1. I think you're fortunate that you didn't waste your time.

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  8. Jon, this may be your best post ever! (Standing 'o' from stage left.)
    Really, who cares anymore? NBC is probably begging for sponsors ... 10-cents on the dollar. I vote they move on over to pay-per-view.

    Unfortunately, hubby remains riveted. That, or he's getting even for the hours I spend watching House Hunters. :)

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    1. I knew I could count on you to see through all my brainless bravado and appreciate the real genius that lurks within me.

      Hey, I used to enjoy watching House Hunters, too.

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  9. Jon,
    I agree with you 100%! I too used to love the Olympics. I hated that I had to wait four years until the next Olympics. But then something changed when NBC started to does those soft background features of the Olympic athletes. Did they ALL have to overcome some hardship to participate in the Olympics? Hey, if I was born with a body that resembled a fish like Michael Phleps, who at 6'3" only has a 30 inch inseam (I'm 6'3" and I have a 36 inch inseam), who is all chest and long arms and had a mommy that supported me while I swam all day practicing. I could be an Olympic athlete too. I don't begrudge those who make it to the Olympics on their own, but in today's "sponsored" environment, where the Olympic athletes are no longer amateurs but paid corporate shills, my interest is nil. And the TV coverage is the worst. All time delayed for maximum commercial saturation of the masses who watch. All the lopsided coverage of the American athletes. I remember years ago when I first started to realize that the Olympics were not the Olympics I knew was I couldn't find out the medal count. Know why? That's because when the US isn't leading in the medal count, NBC doesn't tout the medal count (East German won that year). I had to do a search to find out who "won." And the commentators, they are ANNOYING with their incessant, finance banter while I'm trying to watch the competition. And what happened to Bob Costas's face? There was no way this year I was going to watch the Olympics when I heard that that big gummed mouth Michael Phleps, who has already piggishly won 1,043 gold medals or something like that, and has 130 million in his bank account from product endorsements for his "heroic" accomplishments of SWIMMING for a living, that Michael Phleps was going to carry the American flag into the stadium at the opening ceremonies, that I DID NOT WATCH. My Canadian friend Pat watched and he said he liked the opening ceremonies but of course he watched on Canadian TV which didn't have a time delayed coverage of the opening ceremonies and interrupted by a greedy insertion of commercials like the NBC American coverage of the opening ceremonies. For me, the two weeks of the Olympics is just something to get through. My usual TV watching is MSNBC but during the past two weeks I've become acquainted with CNN again. Thank God the Olympics will be over today. Can't happen soon enough. I wonder if Ryan Lochte will be there to receive his "thanks" for ruining the Olympics for those athletes who truly did sacrifice to go to this once in a lifetime event for them? My only solace is that at least on of the privileged, spoiled "athletes" like Ryan Lochte will have his future earning power diminished by his arrogant and foolish behavior. Sometimes there is justice in this world.
    Ron

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    1. The Olympics has definitely changed DRASTICALLY from the good ol' days when I used to love it. Too much commercialization, too much bullcrap. All of the magic and inspiration is completely gone.

      I agree that there are far too many sob stories about the athletes having to overcome obstacles (hell, don't we all???).
      Ironically, I think the vast majority of those athletes came from upper-class families with caring (or pushy) parents and PLENTY of money.
      I appreciate your in-depth comment!

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    2. Jon,
      You are exactly right about the vast majority of the Olympic athletes coming from upper-class families with caring (or pushy) parents and PLENTY of money. So true.
      It's a shame that the over commercialization and "reality stories" have drowned out the magic and inspiration that was originally in the Olympics.
      And another thing, I agree with you that the inclusion of the so called "sports" of volleyball and similar so called "sports" is ridiculous. To me the summer Olympics is track and field, swimming and diving and the gymnastics and maybe the wrestling and weight lifting. All the rest is filler and boring.
      Ron

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  10. Why do the men playing beach volleyball (really, why are there two different kinds of volleyball?) wear more clothing than the women? I have Dish Network so I recorded the events I was interested in on three different channels and passed on the others. Of course they neglected to update any changes so I did get f-ing volleyball when I wanted men's gymnastics. I also saw bicycles on an obstacle course - an event that belonged at the X-Games. I had no idea there was an Olympic Hymn as I never watch opening ceremonies. I saw part of a closing ceremony once and it looked like some kind of devil worship so I agree with Larry above that they are creepy.

    My sister likes synchronized swimming so watched that. Not my favorite but you can't say those women aren't athletic. She had never seen rhythmic gymnastics so I'm showing her those women. The jury's still out on whether being graceful with ribbons on sticks is Olympic worthy.

    I saw a survey of favorite events and volleyball is at or near the top. Equestrian events, my personal favorite, are near the bottom so they may be eliminated at future Olympics.

    Good rant, Jon. I can't disagree with any of it. I figure Bob Costas made a deal with Dick Clark to learn how to never change your appearance. Thank God for fast forward...

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    1. I was really good at volleyball when I was in high school...heaven knows why - but I definitely think it's ridiculous in the Olympics.
      It seems that the women's volleyball games got a LOT more airtime than the men's. I'm sure it had to do with the bikinis.

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  11. Jon, Your excellent summary is much appreciated by those of us who missed the Olympics. I quit watching during previous summer games when they included volley ball and other rainy-day jr hi. gym class games. I may watch out of curiosity next time to see if they add dodgeball and beanbag.

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    1. Geo, I heard that skateboarding and possibly surfing (!!) will be included in the next summer games in Tokyo. I'm NOT joking....

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  12. Ah, come on, Jon! I'm from KS and even I know what a T & A is! I enjoyed the diving although I missed the Philippine's! I guess one of them landed on his back. His score was a '0'! The synchronized swimming is really pretty amazing. The have to be able to hold their breath for at least 10 minutes! LOL! I hated the opening, and the commentators. They all talk over each other, and you can't hear the announcements about the athletes. Katie Ledreky (?) was really amazing. I also got upset when 'race' was always put in the dialog! All in all, it was a disaster! Your write up was great!

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    1. I was initially going to say Ohio - - but then I thought "Well, hell, nobody is from Kansas!" (*smile*).
      I must have missed the Philippines, too. I've never seen anybody get a Zero before!

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    2. Just remembered a favorite Steven Wright quip: "If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?"

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  13. Did you see the CLOSING ceromonies? That incessant DRUM banging must have lasted 30 minutes. Gave me a splitting headache. I NEVER get headaches. As for the endless volleyball T and A Fest. Please explain to me why the women are in bikini's and the men are NOT wearing speedos. Just saying?

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    1. I hated the closing ceremonies. If I never hear Brazilian music again it will be too soon.
      Ironically, I have a headache tonight. Is it from my sinuses - - or the Olympics??

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  14. Singing children. Nothing butchers a song more than nasal, off key, mumblings of children. We're taught to praise them for having a good poop, or swallowing a marble. I'm honestly only interested in things I enjoy doing, or things I want to learn how to do. Sometimes I even get entertained. The Olympics, as well as Presidential speeches and inaugurations are on my 'do not watch' list for they hold no interest for me in entertaining or learning.

    AND.....I get highly pissed off over volleyball combined with bikinis. Put them in t-shirts and regulation shorts. Besides - Volleyball as an olympic sport? How about knitting or fishing?

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    1. The children who sang the Olympic hymn at the opening ceremonies also sang it at the closing ceremonies. And they didn't improve. They sounded like Brazilian chipmunks.

      I heard that the next summer Olympics in 2020 will include surfing and skateboarding.
      I have no doubt that hopscotch, rope jumping, and jacks will be next.

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    2. Totally agree lotta joy! I fully expect knitting and fishing to be the next "Olympic sports".

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  15. I was at happy hour already. Olympics? It isn't the same. Fuck it.

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    1. It's a huge waste of time and money.

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    2. It would be more interesting if the Olympians were naked - as in ancient Greece.

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  16. I didn't watch the Olympics. But I'm glad you did, because I got some early-morning laugh-out-louds in on this entry. By the way, what's with all your huge following these days? 41 comments? I saw this happen with Pioneer Woman Ree Drummond's blog, and next thing you know she had a television cooking show. Lord have mercy if you get your own show!

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  17. I'm always delighted when I make people laugh, Donna. Some people actually don't find my kind of humor funny. I pity them.

    If you didn't watch the Olympics, you certainly didn't miss anything. It gets worse every time - - complete commercialism and bull crap.
    I didn't post my review of the Closing Ceremonies because I didn't want to scare anyone.

    It only LOOKS like I have a lot of comments on my blog, because I have been leaving replies to each of them. That doubles the count.

    BTW - I don't think anyone would DARE offer me a TV show....

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  18. I have to agree with you to a certain extent. (Well, technically, I don't HAVE to, but I will.) I was underwhelmed by these Games. It had its moments, and I will always enjoy watching the gymnastics competitions, but the opening ceremony and the endless heats and preliminaries, blah, blah, blah. Not to mention the embarrassing behavior of those four American swimmers. We didn't even bother watching the closing ceremonies.

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  19. I think a lot of the blame could be put on NBC. The original concept of presenting the Olympics is completely gone. It has become tedious, boring, mercilessly commercialized, sloppy, and haphazard. The excitement and magic has vanished.

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