Wednesday, December 14, 2016
NIGHTMARE IN THE DAYLIGHT
First of all, I want to thank everyone from the depths of my heart (yes, I do have one) for the birthday greetings. There were no death threats, no insults. I'd call it a resounding success.
Now that I've generated a calm and amicable mood, I'm going to expunge it with a description of my daylight nightmare. Actually, my entire life has been a nightmare in varying degrees - but some days are worse than others. Today was worse than others.
First of all, anyone who's read my blog for any length of time knows how much I dread driving into town. Miles and miles of narrow, twisting mountain roads that test the limit of my endurance and make one hour seem like twelve.
I limit my going-to-town excursions to once or twice a month - - and beforehand I have to psyche myself up like a suicide bomber.
There was no way I could avoid going to town today. I'm getting low on supplies and was completely (and I mean completely) out of cat food. Not to mention the fact that an arctic blast is due to arrive late tonight, which will render the roads icy.
It was now or never.
I got up rather late and stalled around, but eventually got dressed - despite lack of sleep and ample back pain. I dragged myself out to the car and plowed through the 10-foot weeds (the frosts haven't killed them) to the dreaded road.
I was making remarkably good progress, until I saw all the blinking red and amber lights ahead. Colored lights never blink on this road, unless I've had too many beers...or there is an alien landing.
That was supposed to be funny. I just thought I'd point that out.
Directly ahead, entirely blocking the narrow road, were three (three, count 'em) gigantic work trucks equipped with what looked like steam shovels. They were moving rocks and heavy branches - all along the roadway and traveling about 1/8th of a mile an hour. Possibly even slower.
Holy shit! I won't get to town until Easter!
That was my first thought. My second thought is unprintable.
Time dragged on as we crawled at a pace slower than a lame snail. Within twenty minutes, the traffic that had gathered in back of me looked like it was lined up to Memphis.
Impatience and irrationality are traits that I inherited from my father. I was getting desperate and decided to take drastic measures.
Despite the fact that there was a dangerous curve ahead, I grasped the steering wheel, crudely calculated my chances for survival, and inched my way between two of the trucks. Then I stepped on the gas pedal and screeched past the obstacles and around the blind curve - leaving the astonished truck drivers and the line of vehicles in the dust.
This inane story is getting incredibly long for no discernible reason, but agonizingly verbose descriptions are part of my charm.
Since I was completely broke, my first stop in town was the bank - not to rob it but rather to make a legal withdrawal. My heart sank when I saw that the parking lot was empty. Then the horrifying truth dawned on me.
It's Wednesday. And it's after noon!!!
For some odd reason that I've never quite figured out: the bank closes at noon on Wednesdays, along with the post office, the library, and all other similar places.
It has something to do with local religious practices - - which is why I staunchly believe that organized religion should be banned. It's bad enough that these hillbilly yokels took away our booze.
All I could think of is my three starving cats....and the grim fact that I drove all the way into this godforsaken town for absolutely nothing!
Fortunately, I did have twelve dollars in my pocket. I went to Walmart and bought a big bag of Purina (that's cat food, for those of you in Guam).
As I angrily drove back home, I encountered the same three annoying work trucks and the same endless line of impatient traffic.
After suppressing road rage and the intense urge to commit murder, I concentrated on plans to construct a still and make my own moonshine.
There's no logical end to this impossibly long story. I wrote it simply to unleash my pent-up hostilities.
It's now Wednesday night. The temperature is dropping rapidly. And I don't plan on going back to town until Monday.