Wednesday, December 14, 2016

NIGHTMARE IN THE DAYLIGHT





First of all, I want to thank everyone from the depths of my heart (yes, I do have one) for the birthday greetings. There were no death threats, no insults. I'd call it a resounding success.

Now that I've generated a calm and amicable mood, I'm going to expunge it with a description of my daylight nightmare. Actually, my entire life has been a nightmare in varying degrees - but some days are worse than others. Today was worse than others.

First of all, anyone who's read my blog for any length of time knows how much I dread driving into town. Miles and miles of narrow, twisting mountain roads that test the limit of my endurance and make one hour seem like twelve.

I limit my going-to-town excursions  to once or twice a month - - and beforehand I have to psyche myself up like a suicide bomber. 

There was no way I could avoid going to town today. I'm getting low on supplies and was completely (and I mean completely) out of cat food. Not to mention the fact that an arctic blast is due to arrive late tonight, which will render the roads icy.
It was now or never.

I got up rather late and stalled around, but eventually got dressed - despite lack of sleep and ample back pain. I dragged myself out to the car and plowed through the 10-foot weeds (the frosts haven't killed them) to the dreaded road.

I was making remarkably good progress, until I saw all the blinking red and amber lights ahead. Colored lights never blink on this road, unless I've had too many beers...or there is an alien landing.

That was supposed to be funny. I just thought I'd point that out.

Directly ahead, entirely blocking the narrow road, were three (three, count 'em) gigantic work trucks equipped with what looked like steam shovels. They were moving rocks and heavy branches - all along the roadway and traveling about 1/8th of a mile an hour. Possibly even slower.

Holy shit! I won't get to town until Easter!

That was my first thought. My second thought is unprintable.

Time dragged on  as we crawled at a pace slower than a lame snail. Within twenty minutes, the traffic that had gathered in back of me looked like it was lined up to Memphis.

Impatience and irrationality are traits that I inherited from my father. I was getting desperate and decided to take drastic measures.

Despite the fact that there was a dangerous curve ahead, I grasped the steering wheel, crudely calculated my chances for survival, and inched my way between two of the trucks. Then I stepped on the gas pedal and screeched  past the obstacles and around the blind curve - leaving the astonished truck drivers and the line of vehicles in the dust. 

This inane story is getting incredibly long for no discernible reason, but agonizingly verbose descriptions are part of my charm.

Since I was completely broke, my first stop in town was the bank - not to rob it but rather to make a legal withdrawal. My heart sank when I saw that the parking lot was empty. Then the horrifying truth dawned on me.

It's Wednesday. And it's after noon!!!

For some odd reason that I've never quite figured out: the bank closes at noon on Wednesdays, along with the post office, the library, and all other similar places.

It has something to do with local religious practices - - which is why I staunchly believe that organized religion should be banned. It's bad enough that these hillbilly yokels took away our booze. 

All I could think of is my three starving cats....and the grim fact that I drove all the way into this godforsaken town for absolutely nothing!

Fortunately, I did have twelve dollars in my pocket. I went to Walmart and bought a big bag of Purina (that's cat food, for those of you in Guam).

As I angrily drove back home, I encountered the same three annoying work trucks and the same endless line of impatient traffic. 

After suppressing road rage and the intense urge to commit murder, I concentrated on plans to construct a still and make my own moonshine.

There's no logical end to this impossibly long story. I wrote it simply to unleash my pent-up hostilities.
It's now Wednesday night. The temperature is dropping rapidly. And I don't plan on going back to town until Monday.   

24 comments:

  1. Jon,
    You neglected to tell us how old you are. (smile). Was it the big 50? Hmmm. On to another subject, I don't envy you traversing those twisty mountain roads. I'm of to the local food store at least five times a week. Partly to take Bill out for his daily ride. Also, partly to take me out. Living in the mountains can be peaceful and serene but I need the conveniences of a supermarket (and WalMart) nearby.
    Stay warm.
    Ron

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    1. Okay, Ron - - I'm over f-f-f-fifty, but don't tell anybody.....

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  2. WHAT BANK closes at noon on a wednesday? Seriously? Sorry you drove all that way. Though I'm sure your kitty cats love you for the effort made on their behalf.

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    1. This Wednesday "thing" is the stupidest law I've ever heard of. I'm surprised that nobody (that I know of) has complained.

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  3. Your location baffles me, unless everything is free. I spend $40. a YEAR on gasoline (in my car, we have two) and I go to the store three or four times a week. Banks are open on Saturdays here.

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    1. I don't think anything is open here on Saturday - - except Walmart, of course.
      Forty bucks a year??? Wow. The stores must be half a stones throw away.

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  4. Places close before noon?!?!?! Where in hell is this Hooterville?!? I'd really be beside myself if the liquor store also closed by noon. So I would have to have a distillery. Shame someone can't keep you company on the way. If I lived closer, I would, but you know we'd hit a bar in town after the chores, then find trouble to get in......like a polar bear dip.

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    1. I think the people in town see me coming and they close the businesses just to annoy me.

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  5. Do they have an ATM in town? A still in Tennessee - that would be a novelty. :)

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    1. Heck, in this area I don't think they've even heard of the telegraph yet.

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  6. How weird is that ... bank closed on Wednesday afternoons ? No ATM ? At least the trip wasn't a complete write off - the cats get to eat. Navigating twisting mountain roads especially during winter would be extremely nerve wracking. Take it easy...

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    1. Well, at least the cats are happy. They sit home and laugh while I make the long drive....

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  7. Thank goodness you had the $12.00 for the cat family. How frustrating. I bet you won't forget about Wednesdays again, though. Whew!

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    1. I've actually done this several times. For some odd reason, I keep forgetting about the significance of rural Tennessee Wednesdays.

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  8. Those oversize road warriors are the WORST! After I got over my initial fright (if you'd gone over the cliff, I couldn't have been reading this post), I began cracking up, imagining the looks on others' faces.

    While you're working on that still, maybe you can figure how to grow your own cat food? :)

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    1. Those cats are so damn picky that I'd have to open a Purina factory.
      I never imagined I'd encounter three road warriors on an isolated mountain road. Sometimes I get the urge to go over a cliff....

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  9. No little cheapy motel for you to stay in until the bank opens? Kind of like here used to be when businesses closed for lunch. They are getting more up to date since the oil boom.

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    1. There's only one motel around here. It's not in town...and it's not cheap.

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  10. I saw this and thought of you!
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L4ttVP2cyK4&list=LLCpYIxzfeo1jhIlxcpqUPrg&index=1&t=128s

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    1. That is insanely funny!!! I've never seen anything like it. That 'possum must be sedated....or drunk. I wonder if his teeth were extracted - he doesn't have any inclination to bite.
      I could just picture me trying to do that.
      Thanks for the laughs.

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  11. I think the Wednesday thing is a Southern thing. I leave in s relatively small town in Alabama and merchants here cling to the old ways. Downtown is practically a ghost town on Wednesdays. I think it goes back to times of Mom and Pop stores. They closed at noon on Saturday, closed on Sunday and closed all day on Wednesday. Up until the early 1970's many places had "blue laws" which prohibited stores (other than select types) from opening on Sunday. Blue laws still prohibit sale of alcohol on Sunday in some places.

    Speaking of liquor laws and totally off topic... when I was a child in Mississippi, my father owned a liquor store. Selling liquor was illegal, so if you wanted to sell it, you had to pay a black market tax to the state. Seriously. That gave you the right to sell it, but no protection under the law. Consequently, local preachers had a habit of breaking into liquor stores and busting up the inventory. No repercussions to them from the law. Eventually the law changed and it became legal, but with major restrictions.

    Regarding your dread of going to town, I sympathize. I usually go to Walmart a couple of times a week. I have to build up to it mentally..... then allow for recovery time afterwards. It is its own form of hell.



    Business in the South is just weird sometimes.

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    1. I appreciate the fascinating facts. There are some really strange laws around the county - - especially in small towns and rural places. I've certainly seen it in Texas.

      Shopping at Walmart is traumatic enough, without having to go on a long, dangerous drive to get there. Recovery time is DEFINITELY needed!@

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  12. Jon,

    I have to admit that closing everything on Wednesday after noon is a new to me. When I was a boy and young man, everything, I mean everything closed on Sunday in Pennsylvania because of the Blue Laws and things like sports, Baseball anyway, couldn't be played past 7:00 PM. But Wednesdays? Maybe it has to do with many churches having a Wednesday night service and they want people getting into the spirit.

    Larry

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  13. Happy belated birthday, sir! I wish you a Merry Christmas :)

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