Wednesday, March 1, 2017

THE SUN AIN'T SHININ' TODAY



Caution: a few delicate souls might take offense at some of my words. 

Let me be blunt (as if I never was.....) -
Living alone in the wilderness isn't exactly as wonderful as I make it sound. Don't be duped by my photos of the beautiful forest and the adorable 'possums eating bread. That's the Disney version. The reality version is a cross between Tobacco Road and Deliverance.

I won't mention the minor annoyances - like having to drive 500 miles (slight exaggeration) on a perilous road to get to town, or having to trek 10 miles (very slight exaggeration) to get to my damn mailbox....

.......or the fact that there's no trash pickup and no radio reception. I won't mention the wild animals that are nesting under the house and scrambling on the roof - - or the mice in the walls....

.....or the intense dampness that renders everything into a soggy mush, or the millions of summer insects that descend like the plagues of Egypt - or the coyotes that surround the house and practice their death howls at 3:00 am.....

....or the relentless rain that pours incessantly with an enthusiasm of Biblical proportions.
So, how wet is it in Tennessee?
It's wetter than Chris Christie's armpits. 
It's wetter than the Sport's Illustrated Swimsuit issue.

Don't groan. I never claimed to be a comedian.

When I lived in West Texas it was the wind. I had to plan my entire agenda around windstorms. I only ventured out on days when the wind was under 65 MPH.

Here in Daniel Boone country, it's the rain. My entire life revolves around rainstorms and the minuscule hope that a ray of sunshine might appear.

I had planned on going to town today. Naturally, severe storms were predicted. I hoped against hope that the forecast would be wrong.

I got dressed at dawn - with the insane assumption that if I went early I'd beat the bad weather. I piled big bags of trash in the car (to take to the dump).

Then I turned on the radio to hear the weather. I can only get two stations out here in the boonies, and one is from Kentucky. The Kentucky announcer (who has an annoyingly whiny voice and sounds like he's twelve years old) read the obituaries for 40 long minutes.

What the hell is the deal with all the deaths in Hillbillyland? There are more friggin' stiffs here than in Bangladesh.

I was finally able to zero in on the local station. We were under a Severe Storm Warning......and a Tornado Watch. 

That put the kibosh on my trip to town. I have to be heavily sedated when I drive to town on a sunny day. There's no way in hell I'm going in a hurricane.

I need supplies desperately, but it'll have to wait. I'm out of milk, bread, eggs, cat litter, and toilet paper.
Warning:
Ladies  and all sensitive people, please hold your ears.

I can't live without toilet paper.
Did you ever try to wipe your  ***  with a paper towel? 

Also -
my cell phone isn't working (again) - just when I might need it.

Even though it was starting to rain, I decided to drive to the mailbox - because every time it rains the contents get soaked.

When I got to the box, it was wide open. An envelope that I put in there five days ago (to be picked up by the mail carrier) was still there - completely drenched. It contained a very important check that was due yesterday.

As I drove back to the house I was uttering curse words that would make Madonna blush.

I know, this post is getting damn long - but I'm on a roll. A lousy roll - - but a roll nevertheless.

Let me explain that the weeds on my property are now the size of trees. I was a jackass to assume that the cold weather would kill them.

While I'm plowing through the weed trees, wishing I had a tractor (or a bulldozer) I suddenly got stuck in the mud. The wheels spin, the engine stalls, and the torrential downpour is accompanied by fierce, screaming winds and sharp lightning.

My house is uphill and I'm still very far from it. I get out and sink to my knees in mud. In seconds, I'm completely soaked.

Just to enhance the extent of my misery, I'll mention that I still have excruciating back pain from some spinal fractures that never properly healed.

I try to scrape some of the caked mud off the tires. I crawl back into the car and attempt to get the engine started - as it makes extremely alarming noises. I crawl back out to open the hood of the car, and in the process somehow manage to slam my right index finger in the car door.

And I'm thinking:
If there is a God, he probably fell off his throne laughing at me.

I'll never know how I finally managed to get the car back to the house, but it took a helluva long time and superhuman effort.

After I limped to the house, I literally had to peel my drenched, mud-covered clothes off on the back porch. When I opened the door to go in, the three cats gleefully darted out.

Picture this:
I'm stalking through a maze of tree-sized weeds, in a tumultuous downpour, wearing nothing but my skimpy Fruit of the Looms and a  mismatched pair of socks - - covered in mud and dripping wet, limping from my broken back, with a bloody and swollen index finger - while trying to round up three wayward cats.

Scratch and Bosco went back inside quickly. Scruffy - as usual - got under the back porch and I had to crawl in the mud to remove one of the panels so she could get out.

These were some of the highlights of my day.
It's presently near dusk and still extremely windy.
I'm gonna have a beer and go to bed.

If you happen to be flying by, drop me a few rolls of toilet paper.....and a couple bottles of Jim Beam.
 

19 comments:

  1. The universe is to blame. They got the wrong envelope and mixed up your life with someone else's. Hang in there they're trying to find the right one to straighten things out. PS) Glad you and the cats are dry and safe from the storms. And if it's any comfort the universe mixed up envelopes for me too. you are not alone.

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    1. My envelope seemed to be mixed up the day I was born - - and I haven't gotten used to it yet. I hope we both get the right envelopes soon. We deserve it. Take care.

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  2. OK, I'm gonna take your last paragraph as a challenge. :)))

    I'm over here shaking my head at your ability to conjure up a funny (make that a stinkin' funny!) post while wet and in pain. All joking aside, have you considered relocating? ... Like to the desert?

    PS - Wonderful opening image!

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    1. I'm so glad you saw the humor in my post. I initially thought it was a lousy post and was hesitant to post it. I lifted that opening image from the Internet. It was originally in black & white. I tinted it blue.

      I'll be looking skyward for your appearance.

      Delete
  3. I see life is its usual"lifes a bowl full of cherries" there. What a day. And to think, some might pay you good money to see you crawl in mud in your fruit of the looms!!! 40mins of reading about stiffs!?!? Hell, that's even more stiffs than a,Chi Chi LaRue porn.

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    1. I can tolerate the Chi Chi LaRue stiffs....
      ...but my cats freak out when they see me in my Fruit of the Looms....

      Delete
  4. Jon: You really do live dangerously! Your shopping regime is that of a person who lives two blocks from the grocery store. Not that I'm counting but you ran out of loo paper in January at the time of your last rant. OMG - too much information! Stockpile, stockpile, stockpile! Keep reserves and don't touch them other then keeping them in date, or in the case of an emergency. You need looking after. I wish I knew someone gorgeous to introduce you to in Tennessee or vicinity. Best wishes, MaggieB

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    1. I'll have to start going to town more frequently. I HATE driving there so much that I keep procrastinating...sometimes I only venture to town once a month.
      Stockpile is the key word....

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  5. Don't you live near the ARK that some christianist built to make money? You may need a boat. But on the bright side; at least you had your socks on, mismatched as they were. Very funny post.

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    1. The only thing the "Christians" here have is moonshine and pickup trucks. I'll have to build my own ark.

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  6. Jon, between us I believe we've suffered most problems facing humankind lately. We should feel proud of our survival. Well, maybe that's a bit much, but let's at least be proud of each other. Deal?

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    1. It's a deal, Geo.
      Although you have a lot more to be proud of than me.

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  7. Thank you for reminding me why I never want to live out in the sticks again.

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    1. If my back didn't hurt so much, I'd be kicking my ass...

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  8. That just sucks! I have lived in the country in Wisconsin where I couldn't see a neighbor, the mud was horrendous and we lived on a hill. Walking down to get the mail was quite on the edge of dangerous when it was muddy or icy. Up here they don't have to pick up or deliver mail if they can't drive up right next to your mailbox in the country or walk up to it easily in the city. Weeds, snow, ice, or excess mud were enough to stop your mail delivery (not counting dogs). So much for "Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds", eh? Tall weeds can stop them. ;) Glad your kitties all got back inside.

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    1. I HATE where my mailbox is situated. It's so difficult to get there that I seldom go. And we don't have any "official" postal carriers here. The mail is delivered by regular civilians - in their own vehicles.

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  9. You're not making me want to move to Tennessee .. I don't think I could live without toilet paper either! It would be the mail which was the last straw for me, don't mail men drive past the end of your road in 5 days? Or is it just a lousy service. I hope your finger and back are better soon.

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    1. The local mail carriers provide lousy service most of the time. And they deliver the mail in their own vehicles. There are no postal trucks.
      Tennessee is actually lovely - but rural living definitely has a multitude of tribulations.

      Delete
  10. Oh Jon,
    I LOVE reading about your adventures in Hillbilly Land. I for one would be lost if I wasn't wishing three miles of the supermarket for resupplies. I do like the comforts of civilization. While the wilds are beautiful (and your blog postings reflect this) I do prefer all the accruements of civilization. Especially medical facilities. I don't know how I would survive if I wasn't within a few miles of those facilities. Lots of old folks down here (Rehoboth Beach area) of southern Delaware. We need a lot of patching up. No conked out cares in the torrential rains for us. I almost had that yesterday driving the thirteen miles to the Georgetown VA Outpatient clinic to get some emergency painkillers for my kidney stone passing episode. By the way, get one of those toilet bidets for your toilet. Only cost $39.99 from Amazon.com. Very easy to install. You won't need toilet paper.
    Ron

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