Friday, July 7, 2017


Disconnected? Me?? Heck, no.

My computer. Disconnected from the Internet. For nearly two days. Which is  an eternity for someone like me, who depends on the computer as my lifeline to the outside world.

I only threw in "lifeline" to add colorful dramatization to the situation.

I tried every possible ploy to remedy the problem - which isn't easy for a complete technical dullard as myself.

Since both of my computers were Internetless (new word made up by me), I went to the assumed source of connection: the intricate maze of tangled wires and plugs nestled behind my desktop computer. 

To my myopic and technically untrained eyes, everything seemed to be connected and in working order.

But still no Internet.

I tried to get various methods of off-line help - which included talking (via phone) to numerous clueless and unhelpful experts.

My long telephone quest for assistance eventually took me to a small town somewhere in India called WeloveDacows.

(ponder that carefully for awhile - it will eventually get funny). 

After several agonizingly long minutes  - during which I strained my aural capacities to understand an accent that was heavier than a lead doorstop - I was ready to hang up.

Being blessedly patient, however, I decided to stay on the line and wait for the East Indian diagnosis of my rural Tennessee problem. 

"Da poblum seeeem to be U disconeeected frum eenternit."

"The problem seems to be that you're disconnected from the Internet." 

I went all the way to friggin' India for that???

I politely thanked the computer helpline assistant, while debating about calling the suicide helpline.

Note: I think I should have said suicide "HOTLINE", not "helpline"

Then, I summoned all of my masculine macho courage (which was packed away somewhere with my copy of Oscar Wilde's De Profundis).

I decided to tackle the root of the problem by going to the main source:  The Russians!

Oops. Sorry. 
I mean the mysterious modem box. The life source of my computers, which is stashed away on the floor in my bedroom - behind my desktop computer (I keep my laptop in the kitchen).

I messed with the modem box for several long minutes - pondering, contemplating, examining. 
Finally, I poked some sort of a reset button. Or something. 


I was miraculously connected again. To the Internet.

A satisfactory explanation to this puzzling (but entertaining) post is in order. And it all has to do with my cat Bosco.

As incredible as it sounds, my cat Bosco has gotten into the habit of crawling in a corner of my bedroom floor and sleeping on the modem.

I swear to Gawd, I'm not making this up.

The modem feels warm and makes a low, soothing, humming sound. Bosco loves it. 
He must have inadvertently pressed one of the modem buttons with his ample ass.

So, Bosco was the source of my disconnection problems.

Case solved.

Jon, you're damn good. It's impossible to understand why those little Internet trolls hate you.


  1. This sounds like some of my internet adventures--ROFL!
    Glad you're back! :)

    1. I should have known that one of my cats had something to do with it! And it's usually Bosco....

  2. Bosco has a very convincing innocent-look. It compels the question: is this the face of a modem-compromiser? In Bosco's defense, I'll mention we had our modem replaced 3 years ago with one of the newer kind that shuts itself off for no reason automatically, without cat help. Such is progress. Oh strange new world, with such mischief in it!

    1. I had no idea that there are "newer" kinds of modems. I also had no idea that cats could fall in love with modems. If Bosco isn't in love, he's at least infatuated.

  3. I have missed you! I should be getting things in order, but wanted to read some blogs instead. When I have internet problems, I pause, say screw it, and have a gin.

    1. I'm delighted that you didn't forget me - after all that carousing you did in exotic foreign countries!

  4. Snicker, snicker ... snicker. (Sorry!) I can't get past that suicide 'helpline' ... that's gin out the nose material.
    I can see why Bosco would enjoy resting on the modem. Not unlike those 'Magic Fingers' machines they used to install on motel headboards!

    I hope Scruffy is feeling lots better?

    1. It isn't often that I induce gin to come out the nose...

      I remember those motel "Magic Fingers" when I was a kid and used to travel with my parents. They never, ever worked. You'd put in a quarter...and nothing would happen....

    2. Yes, Scruffy is doing better - at least she is eating again.

  5. Next time just wait and Bosco will probably sleep on the proper button and get you back on again.

    1. You're right. I think Bosco knows more about that modem than I do....

  6. at least Bosco didn't chew the wire like my Dara did to short circuit the whole kit and kaboddle. glad you solved the problem and found your way back to us.

    1. Wow - it's a good thing that Dara didn't get electrocuted!

  7. Wires, buttons,plugs, and Russia. Too funny.The sun must be shinning.

    1. The sun is only shining in my heart. It's STILL cloudy and rainy!!

  8. Jon, you are damn good. Never doubt that for a second. I know how the bitter and jealous trolls can try to tear you down, but always remember that you are better than that. Please keep being yourself and honestly writing about your quite brilliant life.

    I remember when I lost ALL internet access for close to three months. I thought I might lose what is left of my mind. But it did force me to read lots of books and watch tons of movies on my quite dusty TV. I made it through the storm.

    Another good thing that resulted from my internet disaster of 2016: I had quite lengthy phone chats with people living and working in India. I learned much about Calcutta (Mother Teresa's chosen home), and ultimately ended up receiving a care package from the Missionaries of Charity - Mother Teresa's legacy.

    Anyway, I guess I'm trying to tell you (and myself) that there are more good people in this world than bad. We just need to weed out the bad ones big time.

    The blogging world would be a very sad place without you: Your honesty, talent, humor, poetry, music, and bravery sharing your life with the world: Very few people have the guts and talent to do so. I'm so glad you are here. Please stay.


    1. Wow! Thanks for such a beautiful and encouraging comment, Dylan. You're right - there are a lot of good people in the world. It's a shame that the rotten ones do their best to spoil things.

      Your experiences with people in India via phone chats is amazing! And how kind and caring it was of them to send a care package to you!

      It is people like you, Dylan, that inspire me to stay in Blogland. Thanks!!

    2. Jon, I'm sure I am not the only one that looks forward to reading your blog. In fact, I think I would not bother with Blogspot if you left all of a sudden :-)

  9. " WeloveDacows " - now that was brilliantly hilarious and about the size of things these days. Cats seem to locate the oddest places to nap. I'm taking care of the neighbors right now while she's off in Peru - so I naturally panicked when I couldn't find her this morning. She was in a cardboard box in one of the rooms downstairs all curled up and crabby when she saw me. Glad you resolved the Internet situation - and I hope Scruffy is feeling better. Have a pleasant weekend, Jon !

    Well said, Dylan.

    1. I was initially hesitant to use "WeloveDacows" because I didn't think it was particularly funny. Glad it gave you a laugh.

      Cats never fail to amaze me with their intelligence and unpredictable antics. Also, they can be extremely affectionate.
      And, yes, they are EXTREMELY adept at hiding. There were many times that I thought one of my cats (usually Scratch) was lost forever, but was merely hiding in some out-of-the-way place.

    2. I thank you much, Helga. I discovered back in the days when I still had my cat that you can buy a collar with a little bell attached that will let you know just exactly where your cat is hiding! My cat was more shy than I am! The little bell made all the difference.

      P.S. Jon, I hope Scruffy is on the mend :-)

  10. Jon,
    I am glad you nursed Scruffy back and am sorry Bosco disconnected you. Ah, the lives of we cat people.


  11. Jon,
    Ah yes, the modem reset. I've been there several times myself. Sometimes thunderstorms will knock out your Internet connection and you will have to reset the modem. Ask Larry about cats stepping on his function keys. Of course Larry has no idea what function key one of his cats stepped on. I like cats but maybe that's one reason I won't get one. But then again, if I'm alone I might get one anyway. I love cats.


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