Thursday, October 12, 2017

COMPLICATIONS

Life in the wilderness isn't for the timid, weak, or faint of heart.  It takes courage (or insanity) to live here.

Fortunately, I'm a tough honcho. 

Is it still legal to say "honcho"? I can't keep up with the current illegalities enforced by the politically correct.



Honcho was a gay magazine that I used to write articles for - - but that was like 300 years ago. I doubt if it's still in existence.
And it has absolutely nothing to do with this blog post. I just threw it in to inform you. And, of course, to impress you.

Anyway, every day here in the wilderness is fraught with complications and inconveniences.


A simple thing like mailing a letter has become a nightmare.

Horrifying as it might seem, I still occasionally send Snail Mail letters. I was never enthusiastic about email. And I've never completely mastered the art of texting - - it usually takes me three or four hours to text two sentences.
It is beyond the realms of comprehension how people can text and drive.

Speed it up, Jon - your readers (all two of them) are getting restless.

So last week I had two extremely important letters to mail. And to mail letters, I have only two options:

1. Drive 2,000 miles to town (very slight exaggeration) and go to the post office. 

2. Risk leaving the letters in my mailbox and pray to the Winged Messenger God Mercury that the mail-carrier will somehow someday notice the letters in my box and take them to town.

I prefer to say "mailman" instead of "mail carrier", but it's no longer legal or politically correct - - and I certainly wouldn't want to ruffle any feathers (he says tongue-in-cheek).

So - -
out of the two evils, I (reluctantly) opted to leave the letters in my mailbox and hope for the best (which I instinctively knew would be the worst).

That was last Friday. 
For some strange reason unbeknownst to me, the mail carrier never comes around here on Saturday. So, I eagerly anticipated Monday.

On Sunday, I suddenly realized that Monday was a holiday - - so the mail carrier wouldn't take my letters until Tuesday. If I was lucky.

What holiday was it?
Those of you in Guam might be wondering.

Monday was Columbus Day.



Of course, Columbus Day is now nearly extinct, because the politically correct spoilsports want to ban it - - insisting that Columbus was an evil, syphilitic, masochistic Italian slob who stole America from the Indians. Or Native Americans.

Look at the bright side, you miserable historical revisionists:
if it wasn't for Columbus, we'd never have pizza.

But I digress.

Anyway, Monday was Columbus Day and there was no mail delivery. So my letters remained in my mailbox (since Friday).

Let me interject here, in a wicked ploy to make this post even longer:

My mailbox isn't anywhere near my house. In order to access it I have to climb down a steep mountainside and go out onto the narrow road that winds past my enormous property.
I said "enormous" to impress you.

Walking to the mailbox is a terrifying ordeal that usually takes half an hour. By the time I climb back up the mountainside to get to my house, I'm so faint, winded, and dizzy that I need paramedic assistance and oxygen. It takes hours to recover.


The road where my mailbox is situated

I'll never understand why mailboxes have to be 45 miles away from the house when you live in the wilderness - but that's beside the point.

On Tuesday afternoon I took the long and dangerous hike to the mailbox to see if the mail carrier had picked up my letters.

To my astonishment, the narrow country road was blocked off and THREE humongous work trucks were by my mailbox. I could see from a distance that the red flag on the box was still up - which meant the mail carrier didn't take my letters.

As I huffed and puffed my way back to the house - while putting a Hungarian curse on the road workers and the mail carrier - I wondered what the hell the workers were doing way out here.

The road that winds past my property is about four feet wide, seldom traveled, and leads to nowhere. 
Are they finally going to fix the potholes and cracks (which have been there since Daniel Boone was a boy)?
Or are they planning to level the forest and build a Walmart?

Hell if I know.
Intuition tells me they're repairing the road.

To make a long story short (I just said that to irritate you) - - my two extremely important letters weren't picked up by the mail carrier until today (Thursday).
Nearly a week since I left them in my box.

If this long post frustrated you - you're not half as frustrated as I am when trying to mail letters.

I'm considering getting some homing pigeons.




So what happened to your damn online store, Jon?

It's just about complete, boys and girls. I will probably open it tomorrow - Friday the 13th.


24 comments:

  1. At least your mail has pretty scenery to look at while they wait and wait. Mail is the highlight of my day so I couldn't live there.

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    1. When I lived in Texas my mailbox was right by my door. I didn't even have to go out of the house to get my mail. I sure miss that!!

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  2. Ohhh, don't get me started on the U.S. Postal service! They never fail to astonish/disappoint me. Would you consider sharing some of those Hungarian curses?
    Looking forward to the on-line store! (... no pressure)

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    1. I truly believe in the power of curses and it scares me (because of something that really happened to me). Curses always come home to roost.

      I actually opened the store a week ago, then immediately closed it because of some unforseen glitches. I will reopen it either tonight or tomorrow. Honest Injun.

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  3. i was going to suggest homing pigeons, but you beat me to it.

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    1. I actually didn't think of pigeons until the very last minute.

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  4. Jon, I live in what used to be a rural area and trusted the red flag on our mailbox. By and by, I had to put a lock on the thing as suburbs encroached. For the past ten years I take all outgoing mail to the post office and have a tone that sounds in the kitchen when the mailbox is opened out by the highway. The "highway", incidentally, used to be a little country road that nobody knew about. Progress proceeds and simplicity suffers. I know, because I am a simple mechanism and have suffered. Best of luck with your on-line store, on uh Friday the 13th --oh you!

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    1. "Progress proceeds and simplicity suffers" - - wow, I like that. So very true!!
      I've never heard of a contraption (technical word) that alerts you when the mailbox is opened but it's a great idea.

      I hope they're not planning to convert my country road into a highway....

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    2. Re: Mail Chime --Norma ordered ours, "Mail 1200 Wireless Mail Alert System", from Amazon over a year and 1/2 ago and it is reliable up to 300 feet. Transmitter is attached magnetically to the mailbox and receiver just plugs into a 110 ac outlet near the pantry. I checked, and the price hasn't gone up ($43.90). They have a larger selection now too. Go see, https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00YWDE6SI/ref=asc_df_B00YWDE6SI5217476/?tag=hyprod-20&creative=395033&creativeASIN=B00YWDE6SI&linkCode=df0&hvadid=167142538498&hvpos=1o2&hvnetw=g&hvrand=15542141343571683288&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9032437&hvtargid=pla-315168546471

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    3. Thanks for the info, Geo. I definitely want to look at it - - although unfortunately my mailbox is extremely out of range. I'd need an alert system that reliable for over a mile...

      I think it's a great idea, however.

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  5. I wonder if I ever read any of your articles? I read the log books from Columbus, he was rather unkind to the natives he found, actually he was luck to get away alive.

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    1. I honestly don't know a thing about Columbus. I do have a biography of Columbus that a friend gave me and I plan to read it (soon, I hope).

      I have actually written fiction and non-fiction for Honcho, Numbers, Blue Boy, Firsthand, Inches, and numerous other mags - but that was long ago, in the 1980's and early 90's.
      I used numerous pseudonyms for fiction, often Jon Kalendor.
      For articles I usually used my real name - or sometimes Jay Varga.

      John Rowberry (of Inches) was my favorite editor. I was really devastated when he died of AIDS.

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  6. Jon,

    Ah, the freedom of the country! Despite your disclaimers, this was very entertaining. Of course, my mailbox is fastened to my house right next to my front door, so easy for me to laugh.

    Larry

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    1. I was a fool to think that rural life would be simple and fun. The complications are enormous and never-ending.
      When I lived in Texas my mailbox was right next to my front door, too. What a luxury!

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  7. I was just going to say, use homing pigeons like I do. Much easier, and reliable. I like to keep the old arts alive.

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    1. If I don't use homing pigeons, I might resort to sending smoke signals. No Indian insults are intended....

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  8. US Mail service does depend a lot on where you live and who the post-person is. I forgot about Monday being a holiday, too. (Maybe we should have Vikings Day instead.) Hope you haven't been hearing any gunfire in the middle of the night any more! It does look so lovely and peaceful...even if it isn't always.

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    1. Here in rural Tennessee they don't have "regular" mail carriers. The people who deliver the mail use their own vehicles....and aren't always reliable.

      I like the idea of Vikings Day - I think it would be popular. I haven't heard anymore late night gunfire (thank goodness), but I do occasionally hear hunters shooting during the day.

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  9. Sorry, cowboy, but I found the tale of your mail travails thoroughly entertaining. No fun for you, though. If it makes you feel any better, we've lived in this same house in this same subdivision since 1917... and our mail STILL manages to find its way into somebody else's box. AND our mailman STILL forgets to close the box half the time. GRRRR (Especially GRRR when it's raining!)

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    1. There is often a lot of humor in misery. I'm glad that you were amused. When I lived in Texas the mail carrier very frequently delivered the wrong mail. One day I got so angry that I called the post office and asked if he could read...

      And the TN mail carrier sometimes forgets to close the box. A REAL annoyance in such a rainy place....

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  10. Replies
    1. The Prodigal Son returns!!

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    2. 98 per cent of my readers hate Trump.....you're not alone. But I forgive them (*smile*)

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  11. I'd always be terrified someone would open my box and steal my mail. We don't do mail that way here in the UK. You HAVE to put it in a proper red mailbox. But there are many more mailboxes than there are in the US.

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