Get a place in the wilderness, Jon. It'll be fun! You'll have a simple and carefree life.
If it wasn't so physically hard to do, I'd be kicking my own ass for suggesting that to myself.
After three long years existing in the wilderness my life is filled with more problems and complications than a '58 Edsel Corsair, and my nerves are more shredded than the lettuce on a Taco Bell veggie salad.
I couldn't sleep all night from the scratching and scraping of the wild animals trying to nest in my roof and walls. Don't be fooled by all those cutsie wildlife documentaries on PBS and the Disney Bambi crap that we were spoon-fed as kids.
If I had a submachine gun I would have used it gleefully and without regrets.
Did you ever try to sleep on a bad mattress with a bad back and two big cats? Bosco must weigh 50 lbs. and he was dead weight on my legs like a sack of scrap metal.
When I crawled out of bed at the grim and cold crack of dawn, it took me ten minutes to get on my feet and I looked like an accordion on stilts.
Yup, I chose today (Tuesday) to drive into town - despite a warning from my cousin that there was "road work" being done.
Actually, I was fortunate to even find the road - since the weeds and "brush" on my property are now 20 feet high thanks to recent rain.
I won't mention the mud.
Driving to town wouldn't have been too bad, if a pickup truck didn't appear in front of me (seemingly out of nowhere). It was going less than 15 m.p.h.
Picture that on a narrow, winding, no passing mountain road.
Thanks to that SloMo snail, it took three times longer to get to town than usual.
I was biting my fingernails to a bloody pulp.
But luck was with me -
No road repair work was being done!
.....until I got to town.
I thought my cousin meant the mountain road was being repaired.
Instead, I discovered that she meant the roads in town were being repaired.
Every major road in the entire damn place was under "reconstruction", making it less than impossible to get anywhere.
I had to stop at the courthouse, which was located in the very midst of the road construction ( a harrowing maneuver, to say the least). My reason for going there is far too long and tedious to rely here - let's just say it had to do with the registration of some property.
Here's the courthouse and that's exactly where I parked (I didn't take this photo - I got it from the Internet).
The lady in the clerk's office was so busy, rude, and confused that I finally left in abject frustration (to say the least) without getting anything resolved or done.
Onward to Walmart, where the holiday shoppers were out en mass.
Did I ever mention that I think all holidays should be permanently banned - and those who try to participate in them should be subjected to waterboarding torture?
I desperately needed a BIG bag of Purina Cat Chow Complete, which is the favored cuisine of my three cats. Naturally they were all out of it. So I had to settle for the small (very small) bag - and a big bag of Friskies.
I had to buy a phone card for my cell phone. The swishy male clerk in the phone department was wearing two gigantic earrings, at least six finger rings - and he was extremely friendly.
Hey, I'm not trying to suggest anything. It's merely an innocent observation. And it's very strange for rural Tennessee.
I haven't seen a dude look like that since I was in West Hollywood.
I bought two pumpkin pies that were on the "mark down" rack (one of my favorite Walmart haunts). More about the pies later.
The long drive home was beyond the realms of a hellish nightmare:
a huge truck hauling a load of cut lumber was going about 5 m.p.h. There were fourteen cars behind him. I was the fifteenth car.
It was like a funeral procession, only slower. I eventually started gnawing my toenails and saying profanities that would have made Satan blush.
what about the phone card in the freezer??
When I finally got home, I wrapped one of the pumpkin pies in a plastic bag and put it in the freezer.
Eventually I noticed that the phone card I bought was missing. I frantically searched everywhere and finally figured that I must have dropped it somewhere (like in the Walmart parking lot).
Imagine my surprise when I happened to check the pumpkin pie in the freezer. My phone card was in the bag with the pie - frozen solid!
I won't apologize for this post being long, because I condensed it. It would have been a lot longer if I told everything that happened.
Just a typical day in the life of Jon.