Boys and Girls,
transgenders, transsexuals, transvestites, and
Transcontinental Railway aficionados -
Okay, Jon - you've just insulted 99 per cent of your readers.
Today we are going to ponder the glorious realms of artistic creativity.
I have first, for your consideration, a portrait of a black - -oops, sorry! - of an African American youth erotically straddling a wooden cross.
Of course, there's nothing legally wrong with that procedure - -
except that I wouldn't advise doing it in public,
and there's always the nasty possibility of getting splinters.
Next, I proudly present Mary, Comforting the Afflicted.
A noble and nearly-heartwarming presentation......if you can get past the possibility that Mary might be harboring a secret stash of male hormones.
And now, for the piece de resistance (uttered with a snooty French accent)
Judith Beheading Holofernes!!
But wait a minute! Just to be historically correct,
wasn't Judith of Bethulia a Jewess?
And wasn't Holofernes an Assyrian General of Nebuchadnezzar? (of the male persuasion)
No need to fret, people. This isn't supposed to be an historically accurate portrayal. It's an artistic portrayal.
The true beauty of this interpretation is that the beheader is a black - oops - I mean African American woman,
and the beheaded victim is a white woman.
It's merely a humble protest against African American - suppression and the distant confines of slavery.
When the artist who painted this was asked (or, perhaps axed) to define his interpretation, he merely replied:
"It's a play on the kill whitey thing."
Many discerning art critics agree. Art connoisseur Jonathan Levine described this as "A fun painting!"
Not too much fun for "whitey", though.
If you would like an encore - just to keep the white heads rolling - may I present another glorious Kill Whitey-themed masterpiece.
I know you're all (in breathless unison) asking the burning question:
Who is the artist that created these artistic wonders?
Meet African American artist Kehinde Wiley.
A racially advanced arteeest with a black supremacist agenda.
A proud gay American artist with a noble cause.
One small, little-known fact:
Kehinde Wiley is not alone when creating his masterpieces. Besides having a Harlem studio, he has a sizeable studio near Beijing, China - where he pays local artists to do the bulk of his work.
When writer Christopher Beam went to China to interview Wiley, the artist quickly made his "assistants" evacuate the premises and demanded that Beam delete the photos he had taken with his cell phone.
(New York Magazine, April 22, 2012)
Nothing wrong with artists having assistants. Heck, Andy Warhol had them.
But, of course, Warhol didn't use underpaid Chinese slave labor.
Smile. It was an innocent attempt to interject humor.
I've saved the very best for last, my sweet and savory artistic devotees.
Take a deep breath and feast your eyes on the Crowning Glory of artistic achievements:
Kehinde Wiley's official presidential portrait of Barack Hussein Obama!!!!
A proud contribution to the Smithsonian Gallery of American Presidents - -
a stunning portrait.....and an incredibly accurate representation of Obama's eight years in office.
Such depth and dignity, not to mention exquisite use of raw simplicity and dark (no pun intended) symbolism.
The possibilities of interpretation are endless.
Are the hands enormously large? Does the left hand have six fingers - - or is it merely another right hand?
Is it only a coincidence that Allah symbolically has two right hands?
(from the Hadith - a collection of Muhammad's words and deeds - Sahih Muslim, 1827).
Very large hands, of course, indicate sizable male virility - - which is debatable for someone who throws a baseball like Peewee Herman.
We won't mention the random background flowers, or the supposed (supposed) sperm cell that critics claim is adhered to the left side of the face....
I'm not joking about sperm cells in Wiley's paintings. It's one of his artistic trademarks. Look it up.
....but the abundant weeds, or vines, or bushes that dominate the portrait are definitely open for speculation.
Could this possibly be the fault of George Bush??
Hardly. The incessant greenery is most probably representative of an African heritage.
Drawn your own conclusions, ladies, gentlemen, and uncertains.
I would never dare to influence you by saying that it looks like he's taking a shit in the jungle.