THE LIGHT IS EXPUNGED

 

A new year. A new path of possible light. I wanted to begin with the prospect of optimism.

Now, I am absolutely positive that the ellusive path of light is expunged forever. I can't keep fooling myself with false hope and phantom promises.

In the past few dreadful years, I've written everything possible that I can think of. At the beginning of this year, I know for certain I am all written out. I'm breathless, clueless, completely exasperated.

There is nothing left to say.

I'm caught in an endless trap in which there is no discernable way out. I would need the grace of God combined with a divine miracle, both of which will never happen. I've always maintained that there are no happy endings.

In retrospect, this eternal journey through hell was my fault. Last December, a year ago, I was in agony with back pain and severe edema. In my profound ignorance I thought going to the ER might help.

I called the ambulance. I innocently believed that I would be away for a few days or perhaps a week.

Look at me now.  My naive ploy backfired and snowballed into the worst diabolical nightmare of my entire life.

A year - - an entire year - - has been completely wasted. I didn't see my home. I missed every season, I missed the peaceful privacy of my rural residence.

In July, 2023 - - when I was plagued with cancer and a heart attack - - two doctors at Centennial Medical Center in Nashville bluntly told me there was no hope. I would die....

......and a miracle did occur. I was granted more precious time.

The bitter irony is that I lost the entire past year, enmeshed in acute misery. No day is ever precious when spending it in the confinement of a hospital bed.

Several weeks in Cookeville Medical Center....then...over six months in Signature Health Care in Jamestown.

You know the story. I documented it extensively.

Transferred to my current trap, Waters Rehab Facility or whatever the hell the name is, in Gainesboro.

Signature was a prison. Waters is a complete insane asylum. Dirty, chaotic, disorganized, unpredictable.

Truth to tell, I'm terrified here. Due to the unsanitary conditions, I now have covid - - complicating all my other medical problems.

I've completely lost my physical and mental strength. Most importantly....

I've completely lost my will to live. I desperately want to die. I want this unspeakable never-ending nightmare to permanently end.

There's nothing left for me to say.

There are no more words that I can think of to write.

I only yearn for what could have been.

I'm now completely terrified at what will be.

Jon 🖤

eternal.....darkness

I always read your comments, but I won't reply. On this day forward in this dreadful new year, my writing has ceased.

NOW 2026

 It's a new year and I wanted to keep this blog upbeat and optimistic, for a very rare change.

As if I had enough problems, about an hour ago - - I found out I have covid. I'm not surprised. This is the most chaotic, unsanitary place I've ever been. It scares the jeeters out of me. People coming in and out of my room constantly - - coughing, sneezing.

I felt horrible during Christmas Eve and Christmas. Then the symptoms seemed to diminish. It flared up around New Year's Eve. Mostly fever, fatigue, and cough.

I don't know what the heck to do. This place is so unorganized that it's incredible.

I lied about my progress. I never know when a physical therapist will show up....or who. They come and go like farts in a bean eating contest.

I could reveal a LOT of horrifying things....but I'll spare you.

Remember one of my previous posts, when I described all the magnificent food I prepared long ago for New Year's Eve?

Well, prepare for a jolt.

THIS is what they gave us for dinner on New Year's Eve. I HAD to take a picture.

A piece of greasy ham and some horrifying inedible corn bread. That's it!!!

I thought I was on Rikers Island (look it up).

I had half a package of Chips Ahoy cookies in a duffle bag and ate them.

I will admit that we had a fairly good breakfast here on New Yrs Eve day. Eggs, sausage, French toast....coffee (very rare), orange juice (very rare). And a banana!!!! When I was in Cookeville I ordered a banana every day for breakfast.

(a nurse just came in and gave me cough medicine)

I mostly spent New Years Eve texting my oldest and dearest friend. Linda and I were raised in Southern Calif. and knew each other since we were children. We went to high school in Corona - - back then a tiny rural town, population 27,000.

Today Corona has a population way over 150,000.

One of our beloved teachers, Mr. Tindall, still lives in Corona. He's now in his 90s. Linda was in his English class, I was in his journalism class. And he still remembers us!

Linda and I are exactly the same age. She is one week older than me. We share all of our secrets (and I have plenty). I used to take her to ballets and operas at the L.A. Music Center. We saw Nureyev dance at the Shrine Auditorium. Marx Brothers film festivals in Hollywood. Renaissance Fairs.

Linda has as many health issues as I do. Her drug addicted husband left her long long ago.

She now lives in Santa Rosa (Northern Calif.) near her two children and grandchildren.

Thanks to texting and email we still share everything.

So what else to say?

I paid my property taxes. The Tennessee website didn't work on Google Chrome, so I downloaded Firefox and it worked there.

Paid all my bills. Broadband/landline phone is $90. In Texas the exact same thing was $55.

Did you know I have an ancient Egyptian scarab, I got from an archaeologist. Possibly way over 1000 yrs. old. Mounted on a copper frame in the 1920s.

I put it on a chain and keep it in a velvet bag.

Well, I've said enough.

Jon  💙

grim start to a new year

NEW YEAR'S EVE

 

There are times when I'm told not to dwell in the past. I fully believe that the past is the foundation of what we are today. If we forget our past, we are lost.

No one knows what our futures will hold. We can only strive to have the physical and mental strength to go forward - - with courage, passion, and dignity. Keep the blessings you have in your heart, find some semblance of optimism no matter what tribulations you might face. Be thankful for every day. Time is a treasure.

God bless you and your family.

Jon,  ❤️ with heartfelt love

The first picture - - a new dawn is coming

Blossoms in the snow, symbolic of optimism

THOUGHTS IN THE WOUNDS OF EMPTY NIGHTS

There is a deep, penetrating emptiness when raw reality hits you - - and sudden realization forces you to remember that the good times were long ago.... 

.....and those times echo with an unattainable span of distance and stun you with a paralyzing wound that establishes the fact that you can never have those times again.

On this empty winter night I'm lamenting.......in remembrance of those precious years now lost. With every passing year we drift farther away in a fog enshrouded sea - - reaching out desperately to find those evading ghosts who left us.....

.....parents, siblings, relatives, friends, lovers.....

Do they remember? Are they on the edge of somewhere waiting for us?

We wait in the solace of our memories and the sustainable light of hope.

Remembering

I remember that faraway New Year's Eve, on the deserted sand at Seal Beach - - when a thick, impenetrable Southern California fog engulfed us so thoroughly that we couldn't get away. We shared a bottle of cheap champagne, and snuggled together for warmth....and not only warmth. The depth of our kisses were much more intoxicating than champagne. We vowed never to part.

Us, on the sand, in the unrelenting persistence of the fog, listening to the gentle lapping of the eternal waves in low tide.

We would never part. Never.

I express my thoughts in the guise of a poet, which could be dangerous

Subject changing

I'm remembering the lavish New Year's Eve dinners that I prepared for friends. In later years, when my parents grew older, I prepared similar dinners for them. We three. Alone.

I seldom went out on New Year's Eve. The sanctuary of home is the best place to be.

It would take days to prepare my dinners and I enjoyed it. Very far from my extremely waning enthusiasm now.

These weren't traditional dinners. They were more like smorgasbords, buffets. Haphazzard banquets.

Instead of turkey, I preferred a small ham. Fish included salmon, pollack, and California red snapper (my absolute favorite).  Smoked herring and smoked oysters were always included.

Hungarian homemade kenyer (bread) and kolbasz (sausage), and of course burgonyas palacsintat (potato pancakes) with sour cream.

Russian deviled eggs - my favorite, and my secret recipe (I like them tangy with red wine vinegar).

A tempting variety of cheese and Italian olives (I'm crazy about both). Caviar (I'm frugal, buying the most inexpensive).

Winter fruits - - I like California navel oranges and Texas blood oranges.

What about dessert?

My absolute favorite is my special Bavarian cherry cake. I make it from scratch. The cake is not round, it's oblong like bread. Three layers of chocolate cake, each filled with cherries - - and topped with real whipped cream, not that fake Cool Whip crap.

I also make a chocolate cheese cake - A. because I love it and B. it's easy to make.

And, for New Year's Eve, I always made a simple white cake, to symbolize the purity of a beginning new year.

Drinks? Real fruit juices and Le Domaine California champagne.

That's absolutely my special New Year's Eve dinner....and the best part is that leftovers can be eaten for days.

I miss my energy and enthusiasm.

Unfortunately, my New Year's Eve photos are in my laptop back home....if I ever see it again.

I could only offer these old blurry photos

One of my white New Year cakes. It was absolute HELL putting candy confetti on the side. Yea, I made the gingerbread house, too - - another BIG nightmare task.

I used my favorite champagne on  New Years 

I was told this antique Auld Lang Syne cup is circa 1880. It is huge - - could hold a big bowl of chili.

Blogger Myra has one like it. I hope it makes her think of me. I know it will.

Take ye a cuppe o kindnesse for Auld Land Syne

This cup supposedly signifies the new year, from Bavaria circa 1875. I never used it in fear of breakage.

The glow of candles warm the winter night

Jon   ❤️  🍾🍸🍷🎇⏳️🕛❄️

P.S.

A big thank you to Dorothy from Neshua, NH and Jane from TN. I got your cards yesterday.  Hugs  💙💙

This post is very late. I had trouble with Freepix  the website I use to create AIs. It wouldn't download my pictures. The first picture is the only one I could download and it wasn't my choice. I made the second picture yesterday.

And this post is too darn long. Upon rereading it I'm VERY tempted to delete.......but I won't.

I'll write another post late tomorrow.

Get ready for New Year's Eve!