I somehow knew that my previous post would be my swan song. I am completely overwhelmed with negativities, more than you could ever imagine. Mentally and physically, I am ripped to shreds. Writing used to be my catharsis, but lately it's no use. I can hardly connect logical words together.
A recent (innocent) incident only served to complicate things. Please don't call the rehab facility office where I am to help in my behalf. This caught me off guard and forced me to explain things with an impromptu web of lies. I know the intentions were truly good, but it backfired.
I'm not angry, only cautious.
That is not why I'm leaving this blog. I simply can't handle it. I've often said I'm no longer alive. I lost all of my dignity and freedom.
You can blog about your blooming begonias and ice cream socials and leisurely romps through lazy summer days.
I don't know what bloody hell season it is. I can write about my new urinal, over-prescribed meds, and inability to walk. I can write about this goddamn bed that's been my home for an eternity.
And my total lack of privacy.
I could tell you about a long-ago pool party at a (devious) director's Beverly Hills home when I was young and desirable.....deciding which kind of caviar to choose.
Now I can tell you how many people walk unexpectedly in the room while I'm pissing in my new urinal.
Life is an unforgiving bitch.
I lost more blood from my arm early this morning. An ugly incident I want to forget.
I finally finally have a noon appointment tomorrow with the surgeon in ******** . It makes no difference. They waited too long. It's four months too late. I seriously doubt anything can be done.
And I seriously doubt I can say any more. There's nothing left to say.
I know that every one of you have sincere hearts and good intentions. I deeply appreciate that. I'm just.....
.....bitter, frustrated, angry, disgusted, frightened....
I'm allowing comments on this newly edited final post, but I won't reply.
I'll miss every one of you.
Jon 🖤 Heart of the Lost
I'm referring to my previous post
