WICKEDLY TIMELESS

Okay, every one - - let's all hold hands and think negative thoughts.....which, if we succeed, might expunge the positive thoughts I offered in my previous post.

After all, nobody wants to hear anything optimistic that might have occurred in my dreadfully drastic existence.

As a start, I will consider removing the photo of the Jeep (where the hell did I get that vehicle, anyway?).

I'm talking nonsense.

I might be wounding you with sarcasm.

My enigmatical blog posts often leave recipients speechless. Other more courageous recipients kindly take time to read between lines - desperately trying extract a semblance of logic and reason.

Logic? Reason?

Only I know what and why I write.

Taking detours far away from tedious, depressing, joyless, foul, endless medical updates would be a unique break.....a  breath of fresh (?) air....

he assumes......

I still brashly (and erroneously) believe that I'm the most interesting person I know.

With several exceptions.

AND NOW

I'll give you what you're waiting for.

A DELICIOUS MEDICAL UPDATE!

Last Friday (August 14th) my followup dr. appt.

I was nervous beyond belief, as to what the ctscan would reveal. My recent petscan yielded so many dire and dismal things, that even  Doctor Johnson was speechless.

On Friday, I was so scared waiting for the doctor that I nearly passed out. The nurse took my blood pressure and said it was completely normal.

The results for my scans were not as bad as expected. I was positive that bone cancer was in my right arm. The pain is INTENSE. The dr. said it is coming from nerve pain. It seems to be bursitis. I'll get treatments for that.

The doctor's biggest concern is my liver and left lung. Since he only deals with radiation, I was transferred to a new oncologist who specializes in chemo, Dr. Penny Heinrich.

I got an appt. with her on Sept 1st.

I had seven weeks of chemo and radiation three years ago.

.....and so it goes....

If this post annoys you, I would gladly put you in my shoes and let you go through the absolute medical HELL that I endured these past three years. Every minute was agony. I held up incredibly well - -

During the past few weeks I'm completely losing strength and sanity. I never knew a depression could be so ravaging. I'm bearly hanging on to a very thin thread.

Jon

UNWORTHY?

The rumor that I defected from the Army is a gross exaggeration.

There is truth of the long-standing story that my maternal great-grandfather was of Hungarian nobility.

Janos Gurdon (Gurdonyi)

John Gordon (1863- 1936).

This is where he was born, near Borzavar. He was disinherited for marrying a peasant girl. They eventually had twelve children (it could have been a shotgun wedding).

This blog post is much ado about nothing. Random thoughts.

I used to brashly claim that I'm the most interesting person I know. Could be true.

It may be hard to believe, but I always had an incredibly low self esteem. I give thanks to my father, who ruthlessly cut me down to the quick. I was used to being called "you stupid jackass", or "you crazy SOB". It never surprised me when he'd take off his belt and beat the jeeters out of me.

One time when I was twelve, we were planning a summer vacation to go back east in New Jersey. Daddy Dearest scrutinized my scrawny looks, how pale I was.

"I'd never let our relatives see you. You look like a goddamn ghost!"

Our vacation was scrapped.

Let's reverse a few years. When we moved to California I was sick and had alarming physical symptoms. Two prominent L.A. doctors pronounced that I had Leukemia. One told my parents I wouldn't live to be twelve.

Was probably acute anemia.

For the next six years I had an unconventional doctor who believed in alternative methods and medications. Too long to detail.

My father's cutting words never left me. In my late teens I exercized, lifted weights, ate anything possible to gain weight. Let my hair grow, got tan at the beach, got contact lenses.

The transformation was a sort of success, I suppose.

This was me in my 40s in West Texas. And yes, that's my real hair bleached from the TX sun.

I'm remembering that ghastly monumental day when I was 18 and we had the worst physical encounter ever. Said he'd kill me....and meant every word. He choked me 'till I was unconcious  and that is NO exaggeration.

That's when I got his loaded revolver, pointed it to his head when he was sleeping. Then..... I cowardly back out.

You long-time readers heard all this before. There is much more than I described.

Raging hatred for him. Ruthless hate for myself.

Do you know how much booze, pills, drugs I ingested to forget my low self esteem?? I learned to use my youth and desirability as a weapon. Indulged in  diabolical delights that I never dreamed of.

The things I'm going to mention happened over a span of years. A reckless dichotomy of good and evil, saint and sinner.

YIKES!

There was that extraodinary adventure - - my great escape from.....some one.....

I was twenty-four. Dyed my hair brown. Got  rip-roaring drunk on a sail boat, with a friend. We eventually sailed to Catalina.

But you don't want to hear about that near-deadly dangerous fiasco, do you? Maybe some other time.

There's hope. I accomplished a few good things

I wrote nearly 100 compositions for piano and/or chamber orchestra - - including twenty-four preludes in every key for piano.

Many still exist, others are lost.

In my romantic mode I wrote over 100 poems, most were published in anthologies and literary magazines.

Years later I compiled them into a book.

 

And several books for children

In my Hollywood years, I published many articles for popular movie magazines and other magazines.

Some of my pen & inks were published.

Opera composer

Giacomo Puccini

My first oil painting, done when I was eleven years old. The frame covers my signature (lower right).

This haphazard post is too long.

Jon, 🩵 annoying sometimes

I don't care if I'm unworthy of blogging. Too tired to give a damn, too frustrated to apologize.

I spent half my life apologizing for being alive.....to people who weren't fit to wipe my.....

Boots

My favorite opera is Turandot

Puccini