UNWORTHY?

The rumor that I defected from the Army is a gross exaggeration.

There is truth of the long-standing story that my maternal great-grandfather was of Hungarian nobility.

Janos Gurdon (Gurdonyi)

John Gordon (1863- 1936).

This is where he was born, near Borzavar. He was disinherited for marrying a peasant girl. They eventually had twelve children (it could have been a shotgun wedding).

This blog post is much ado about nothing. Random thoughts.

I used to brashly claim that I'm the most interesting person I know. Could be true.

It may be hard to believe, but I always had an incredibly low self esteem. I give thanks to my father, who ruthlessly cut me down to the quick. I was used to being called "you stupid jackass", or "you crazy SOB". It never surprised me when he'd take off his belt and beat the jeeters out of me.

One time when I was twelve, we were planning a summer vacation to go back east in New Jersey. Daddy Dearest scrutinized my scrawny looks, how pale I was.

"I'd never let our relatives see you. You look like a goddamn ghost!"

Our vacation was scrapped.

Let's reverse a few years. When we moved to California I was sick and had alarming physical symptoms. Two prominent L.A. doctors pronounced that I had Leukemia. One told my parents I wouldn't live to be twelve.

Was probably acute anemia.

For the next six years I had an unconventional doctor who believed in alternative methods and medications. Too long to detail.

My father's cutting words never left me. In my late teens I exercized, lifted weights, ate anything possible to gain weight. Let my hair grow, got tan at the beach, got contact lenses.

The transformation was a sort of success, I suppose.

This was me in my 40s in West Texas. And yes, that's my real hair bleached from the TX sun.

I'm remembering that ghastly monumental day when I was 18 and we had the worst physical encounter ever. Said he'd kill me....and meant every word. He choked me 'till I was unconcious  and that is NO exaggeration.

That's when I got his loaded revolver, pointed it to his head when he was sleeping. Then..... I cowardly back out.

You long-time readers heard all this before. There is much more than I described.

Raging hatred for him. Ruthless hate for myself.

Do you know how much booze, pills, drugs I ingested to forget my low self esteem?? I learned to use my youth and desirability as a weapon. Indulged in  diabolical delights that I never dreamed of.

The things I'm going to mention happened over a span of years. A reckless dichotomy of good and evil, saint and sinner.

YIKES!

There was that extraodinary adventure - - my great escape from.....some one.....

I was twenty-four. Dyed my hair brown. Got  rip-roaring drunk on a sail boat, with a friend. We eventually sailed to Catalina.

But you don't want to hear about that near-deadly dangerous fiasco, do you? Maybe some other time.

There's hope. I accomplished a few good things

I wrote nearly 100 compositions for piano and/or chamber orchestra - - including twenty-four preludes in every key for piano.

Many still exist, others are lost.

In my romantic mode I wrote over 100 poems, most were published in anthologies and literary magazines.

Years later I compiled them into a book.

 

And several books for children

In my Hollywood years, I published many articles for popular movie magazines and other magazines.

Some of my pen & inks were published.

Opera composer

Giacomo Puccini

My first oil painting, done when I was eleven years old. The frame covers my signature (lower right).

This haphazard post is too long.

Jon, 🩵 annoying sometimes

I don't care if I'm unworthy of blogging. Too tired to give a damn, too frustrated to apologize.

I spent half my life apologizing for being alive.....to people who weren't fit to wipe my.....

Boots

My favorite opera is Turandot

Puccini

I've already wrote an update ( entitled "Waiting") but I disliked it immensely. It sort of bombed so I removed it. I lost my knack for entertaining. I really appreciate those who left comments. Thanks!

As for a medical update, things are going agonizingly slow. Another doctor appt. on Friday 14th for more tests......and then???

Your guess is as good as mine.

I'm in another room and finally have an Internet connection.

I'll have a new post ASAP....but NO medical updates. I'm sick of them.

Jon

 

SHORT UPDATE

In my old room I didn't have an Internet connection for nearly a month, which explains my long absence. Today I requested to be moved to another room. It's a shabby room - but at least I FINALLY have Internet. I'll write a new post ASAP.

Jon     (new room #105)

It was difficult to get another room, I had to wait several weeks.