I retreat deeply within myself when I'm depressed - existing in a satisfying realm of private, impenetrable melancholy.
I don't want to communicate with anyone other than myself. I don't want interlopers invading my thoughts.
No need for alarmists to be concerned. This melancholic retreat has been a life-long habit. I eventually emerge, unscathed and reasonably intact.
A plausible theory is that my Hungarian Magyar blood and artistic soul are the main culprits.
I've never been uniform nor mainstream. And, strangely enough, I'm extremely glad.
I've lost count of my problems and maladies - which are increasing drastically and mercilessly with age. Each year is more complicated than the last, until there comes a point where the web in which I'm enmeshed becomes inescapable.
We all weave are own private webs. Mine is a vastly complex labyrinth of eminent destruction.
I'd be surprised if I'm making sense.
I'm talking to myself, which - if done too frequently - becomes a bad habit.
Last night:
long, sleepless, endlessly humid. No coyotes, but frequent packs of wild dogs - which, to me, are more disconcerting. A few distant gunshots in the woods, then silence.
The silence eventually became alive with restless crickets and rowdy owls.
My suffocating room swarming with insolent mosquitoes.
Today:
Up extremely early to do some work outside. Sleepless and physically ravaged, I forced myself to dress and venture out.
Within an exhausting hour, black clouds were quickly accumulating. When I hurried inside it was darker than midnight's shadow. Unbelievably violent claps of thunder shook the house with Herculean force and the rain descended like a Biblical torrent.
My two cats retreated to safer realms. My mid-day meal was much more unpleasant than I initially anticipated.
Why am I writing this? I have nothing interesting or important to say. I have no desire to be entertaining or congenial.
Why do I blog? It's a useless and thankless endeavor.
I'm not in the mood to reply to comments......or to comment on other blogs.
But this mood will eventually pass.
Eventually.
I value those few people who still remain and put up with me.
The number is dwindling quickly.
As for those who flee.....alas, it's their loss....
Here's an off the wall comment. When the carnival was in town. About 5 or 6 roustabouts came into the place I work. One went into an area plainly marked employees only. A young woman who works there with me told him he was not allowed in that area. He was at least 6'5" tall and started ranting & throwing his arms in the air. He threatened the woman & she told him I'm just a girl & I'm pregnant so if you hit me you'll go to jail. I thought it was going to turn into an all out malee fist fight. His friends grabbed him & finally got him outside. Just another day in my life.
ReplyDeleteI'm wondering if that guy was on drugs or something. Your work place is getting unnervingly rowdy. Maybe you should have an armed guard in there.
DeleteTake care and keep in touch.
I hear more distant thunder as I'm writing this. We might be getting another storm!
By the way - I'm glad you're working full time. I thought you might have only had part-time work because of the pandemic.
Delete"Darker than midnight's shadow" ... wow, I love that analogy! I think we shared the same thunderstorm yesterday. Hope you won't mind if I use a line or two ... giving credit where credit's due, of course. BTW and for the record, I'm not going anywhere, dear man. (*smile*)
ReplyDeleteYou always have a knack for choosing the analogies that I like best! The thunder yesterday was terrifying. The house shook so badly that I thought I was going to Oz.
DeleteP.S. Feel free to use any lines you like.
If some of your long term readers have abandoned ship its because 1: you've hit their faulty snowflake wiring...yeah I said faulty snowflake or 2: The came to conquer and failed. You know I am unaffiliated. But you also know that I see quite clearly who can deal with the way things are and who can't. Truth is Love is the only way. There is no other way. But I have said that too many time to deaf ears. Most of the people who profess this to be the truth have DESTROYED the country. And for what? Watch this space a year from now Dear Sweet John and you will see how the progressives have set EVERYONE BACK 60 YEARS. I marched for civil rights once - I shouldn't have to do it again. I saw my street getting torched in 1968. I won't go through that again either. Now everyone who thinks they know the way to a better place in time want to elect a corrupt mentally deficient creep because the hatred for the sitting president is so great Joe's advancing dementia actually looks promising? Give me a fucking break. I know Joe. Yes he has sniffed my hair. Yes he will cop a feel if you don't pull away. And yes his secret service men went through my phone that was turned off and in my pocket when I last spoke to him in 2016. I got a new phone right away to protect myself. But this little stuff aside - the man needs to answer for his sexual abuse and even if someone wants to push that little nasty secret aside I've got a bigger one. That rosary that Joe carries in his pocket it ain't nothing but a fancy rope with a brown man hanging from it and I say that as a Catholic myself. Point being Joe Biden is the original plantation master and he has not left the plantation. I have seen Donald Trump on the street walking with black people long before he was ever president because I was a New Yorker for years. I HAVE NEVER SEEN Joe Biden walking with black people. I have seen him talking AT them trying to get a vote. I don't know if Trump is the answer. But I know Biden isn't. Let the followers go. You lead your own way - dark, sad, lonely, whatever the way - it is 100% yours and you own it! I am not going anywhere. Oh....a lot of this should have been posted in a prior post - the one that probably made a lot of people cry - but you had the comments closed 😜 I do like it when you write about your life in Tennessee. Even the bits in today's entry. It seems like such a far away place.....
ReplyDeleteMost people are FAR too narrow-minded to see the truth. The haters become insanely enraged whenever they're confronted with the truth.
DeleteYour observations are right on target. Thanks for being refreshingly honest.
After your last post, I was worried we may not see you again. Many blogs in the last year I read are falling left and right off. So nice to see your hiatus was long, lol!!!!!! Are is this brief. I love your old vintage post and stories.
ReplyDeleteI have been on both sides of the aisle politically. And as you know I was never a fan of trumps, since I first heard of him. I am to the point where I am disheartened by both parties and how they have ended up where they are. What as happened to the true bipartisan? My evil Maleficent side is ready to take a ring side seat and I hope both take each other out with a good western flair shoot out and destroy each other. I'm beginning to think their all a bunch of sorry ass corrupt lying bastards. Very few on either side I still like.
I'm truly at the point where I'm completely disgusted with humanity. I think it's best to ignore the news and turn the world off. We should just concentrate on ourselves and to hell with everything else.
DeleteJon, I for one, and possibly others, who do not comment are glad you are blogging. IMO you present views that are honest and not expressed elsewhere, not even in my own posts. Perhaps it is the fear of alienating others that keeps many of us more sheltered, I don’t know. The other day, your blog seemed devoid if posts and I honestly feared you had quit as you have as some “Threatened” more than a few times. I am glad you have not.
ReplyDeleteWhen I first started blogging long, LONG ago (when AOL had blogs) I vowed that I'd never write about personal things or politics. I eventually decided that such a restraint is a complete impossibility.
DeleteI definitely say too much, but I write from my heart with few regrets.
Many thanks for putting up with me.
Ήθελα να σχολιάσω τη προηγούμενη ανάρτηση αλλα ας ειναι
ReplyDeleteΕνδιαφερον το blog σου γιατί μοιράζεσαι σκέψεις και ιστορίες!
Να είσαι πάντα καλα!
Спасибо за посещение моего блога
DeleteThank you for your kind comment.