ONLY A DREAM

 

It was only a dream and it has vanished. My favorite season, favorite month, my desperate yearning to see my rural home and beautiful property.

Perchance of a dream.

"We dare not go ashore lest perchance we should fall into some snare."

Old English saying, old French? I remember that from vague childhood.

Of course, there are no happy endings. I've said that...many times.

A very serious back/spinal flare up has prevented me from my plans for escape. My left leg is completely swollen, I am in severe pain. I'm getting such excruciating spasms that I scream in absolute agony. No exaggeration.

Nurses are consulting doctors for.....more meds. Probably muscle "relaxers." Shall I laugh? You can see my bitterly sweet smile.

 Ironically, when I came in here several months ago I had the exact problem with my right leg. Now that's gone to the left. Bitter irony exists.

But, wait! Perhaps I can conquer the struggle and.....survive....??

I'm remembering....

The little choo-choo that said....I can......I think I can........

It's Halloween! We should celebrate! I can only offer my (paltry imaginative) visions of this season. My mind is muddled with vicious medications that I'm being plied with. Who knows how this post will materialize. ???

Jon 🤎 timidly hopeful

Don't be afraid to comment. Thanks to a recent big Blogger glitch, I still can't reply to them. My attempted replies keep mysteriously vanishing.

You, of course, keep me going with your thoughts and encouragement. 

You might not know this -  because my brutal sarcasm sometimes gets in the way - -but I cherish you for your opinions and thoughtfulness. 

I made several of these and didn't know which to choose.

The guy in the middle is demanding for treats - - perhaps a little catnip candy......or tuna....

Puppies love Halloween, too, but look sad and hate to see it go....

Intriguing witches cast midnight spells to enchant the red foxes.

These wolf pictures are my favorites (I made about a dozen versions)- - recently edited these to make them brighter, but my effort made them more gaudy I think (??)

.....and Halloween is (regrettably) winding down like a wayward clock. . I have a passion for Halloween clocks....Paranormal John gave me the incentive.....

Getting acquainted with the rambunctious  geese...

....and other autumnal wild life

Getting acquainted under the Harvest Moon.....don't shudder....anything can happen under the spell of an autumn moon

Goddess of Autumn

Some sheep being soothed by a shepherd boy's flute

Mellow, nostalgic, intoxicating days.....

Surrealistic, uncertain nights...

Things you might find on unknown paths

To the depth of unwanted dreams......

This post is definitely too long, but autumn is never too long.

It could last as a priceless eternal memory

almost a dream

almost

FOUL!!!

I'm in one of my notorious foul moods and don't know exactly why. I'm thoroughly tired of the endless battles of existence. I'm disgusted of being trapped here in this physical "therapy" prison. I'm becoming a hater of humanity. A possible misanthrope.

Now that I established that horrifying fact, I'll enchant you with a medical update (I've been writing them for the past two years, and they sicken me).

Psychotically depressed?

If you were trapped in this friggin' place for six months, I guaran-damn-tee you'd be suicidal.

People coming in and out of my room unannouced all day. Checking my vitals, plying me with pills, examining me, questioning me, gawking, showing up EXACTLY when I'm pis- - peeing in the urinal. That's an unmitigated joy.

I've had a fever for two days. All I did last night was shiver uncontrollably.

What about the radiation? Two wound care doctors showed up yesterday. The new one is a clown. The last thing I need is a visit with Bozo.

My "regular" wound care dr. rebandaged my arm, MUCH too tightly. The pain shoots down to my fingers.

She said the cancer is shrinking and it's not bleeding too much. Last night I put a pad under my arm and it wasn't leaking, like it always does.

We're supposed to wait a week or so, to see if the radiation is continually working.....

another interruption while I'm writing this.

So waiting, waiting, waiting waiting, endlessly perpetually waiting

In the meantime, I created a lot more autumn images......which I know will thrill the dire unimaginative.

I'll put them in my next post and I know you can't wait.

Boys and girls, if I didn't have this as a haphazard hobby, I'd be cutting my wrists....and I am NOT jesting.

You have your sweet begonias and ice cream socials.

I have nothing

Jon   👹👺    Foul

FROZEN

FROZEN

Now that winter is here the damask roses are shivering.

I want to gather them up in a gentle embrace, a fierce effort to keep them warm

but my fingers are frostbitten with distant chords uncharted. My heart is frigid, my soul is frozen, every fiber of what I once was has withered and perished.

There is nothing left of warmth, nothing left of my fragmented past. Nothing left but pale traces of  distant  wounds that stab like ice encrusted knives.

Forget the past. No one is left to embrace it. This persistent winter has expunged hearts and souls. Nobody cares.

I should look to the future, but there is none. Winter is a ruthless, thankless,  endless obstacle. The very thought of a possible spring is inconceivable. It no longer exists.

Jon Varga

Caught in the lethal jaws of an unforgiving midnight

My writing, my words, my unintended thoughts and images are merely SHIT. Forget them.

P.S.

I do not believe that there will ever be surgery on my arm - - they are stalling again, as usual, after five months.  I have no help here whatsoever. Prayers won't help. I'm ready to EXPLODE!!!

 

LOST

 Easy to decipher. My heart is lost, my soul is lost, my fragile shreds of optimism were lost long ago.

I desperately try to remember the self that I was long ago. I try to conceal an indefatigable depression that gnaws away at everything my sustaining foundation had.

I've been ensconced too long in this lifeless physical therapy facility, which is now a prison. Too many idle days, too many meds, an abyss of inactivity.

My biggest fear is that of losing my mental capacities......and never seeing my forest home again. I'm desperately trying to maintain my mental and physical capabilities.

The phantom doctor appointment supposedly on August 12th, Tuesday? I'm still getting infuriating mixed messages. But I will persist. I plod on. Somehow.

I confirm my feeble existence in strange ways.

Tonight I've chosen two of my old videos. Few people like my videos. Very few understand them.

I'll share explanations. Secrets from my soul.

"Fallen Angels" and "Heart of the Lost"

Fallen Angels represents a deeply scar-ridden excavation of my long-ago past. Young, oblivious to danger, purposefully self-destructive.  I've confessed this many times before......

......but there are more things, much darker than that which I chose to reveal. In the midnight underworld of unspeakable L.A. and Hollywood, I kept company with the lost phantoms of Hades - -  I was a silent witness to scenes you wouldn't dare to imagine.

Pimps and dealers, and the battered hookers whom they owned, girls so highly addicted that they couldn't remember their own names......or the unspeakable acts they performed with strangers for another "fix".....

.....and the male hustlers, much more prevalent than the females - - desperately haunting every midnight street and alley. I vividly remember the boy I called Midnight Blue. Hustling every night in downtown L.A. Hardly fourteen. So physically beautiful that I wrote a poem about him....published in my book.

"His eyes are electric - - they will execute you."

There were criminals that I knew with darker secrets. Cold blooded murder.

The silence often screams.

Where are these fallen angels now? Lost souls long ago. My video was made in remembrance of them.

The music I used is "Dark Spanish Symphony" by Angelo Badalamenti (1937 - 2022).

"Heart of the Lost"

That's the title of my video and the Celtic music by Ean Grimm.

No one understood this video when I posted it on YouTube in the spring of 2021. It was an extremely personal statement. 

I was very sick with cancer and congestive heart failure. This was before I sought medical help. I decided that I would purposely end the agony. 

My plan was to go into my beloved forest, and savor the blessed solace that nature provided. I would bid farewell where my spirit wanted to be.

My soul was finally released in the form of a white wolf......

.......forever free.

Jon 💜 with love, free forever

many thanks for reading this, viewing the videos, and trying to understand

Videos best viewed full-screen and full volume

A TIMID SMUDGE OF DAWN

I'm in a wheelchair in the living room where I spent the night. Sunday night. One of the most uncomfortable, miserable nights I can remember. And, believe me, I've had plenty.

This is the deep, dark void that lingers just before dawn  - hesitant to leave. Far beyond the murky abyss the old Tennessee hills have assumed a slight rosy glow right at their peak. A timid smudge of light that promises an awakening.

Dawn is arriving, ready to bathe the earth in glaring light, exposing all the brutal raw realities that are suppressed in the fantasy of our dreams.

I'm dreading dawn, which forces us to rudely face all the complications and complexities that immerse us and devour our existence.

That's how I feel. An unwholesome surge of unrelenting pessimism.

Physically I'm in more agonizing pain than I could ever describe. The deceptive meds wear off, leaving untold echoes of screams.

I'm welded to the wheelchair. Unable to stand up from unbearable pain. Unable to reach for things with my arms. Unable to move my legs. The surging pain in my hip leg knees joints back......ass.

The pain has rendered me completely disabled. I can't stand....absolutely cannot walk. I tried to shuffle a few inches last night and almost cried in agony.

I can't get water or food. Can't turn lights on or get a blanket. I managed to recharge my two cell phones. I sure as hell will need them.

After my cursed illness in 2023, I managed to navigate remarkably well with a walker. All I needed it for was balance. I could cook, clean, wash, manuever everywhere.

Never thought this would happen. Degenerative disk disease. Severe sciatica. Scoliosis due to spinal injuries.

But the intense pain........ Tylenol doesn't do a damn good. I'd have to consume the whole bottle. If I could get the fricking child-proof cap off.

So, early Monday I called the Home Care office to see if anyone could take my prescription to the pharmacy. One of the nurses came here and got the prescription. Another nurse will bring the meds to me tomorrow. Tuesday.

Another night of pure agony in the wheelchair in the livingroom awaits me.

If I make it. If I survive.

And the gawd almighty truth is that I don't give a flying fig whether I survive or not. I'm done. Finished. Stick a fork in me.

I'm tired of feigning optimism, hoping that birdies, unicorns, and rainbows are smiling on the horizon.

At this moment, I dread the light of dawn.

I realize that we all have our own problems, our private crosses to bear. I'm nothing special. Just someone bitching on a blog.....

Jon, frustrated beyond belief.

WHITE CHRISTMAS

My latest video posted on YouTube. It's my piano arrangement of Irving Berlin's White Christmas. This song evokes many bittersweet long-ago memories.

Ironically, I wrote this arrangement when I lived in balmy California. Here in the wilds of Tennessee, there's a possibility of a white Christmas this year. Winter storms are pummeling much of the country. The temperature here is supposed to drop near ZERO by Thursday night with possible snow.

If I had a snug, warm house with a working furnace I wouldn't be worried. Unfortunately I'm in an incredibly cold,  extremely drafty, impossibly damp house with a dead furnace. My apprehension concerning the up-coming frigid weather is intense.

Am I complaining? Naw. Not at all. I'm just shivering in fear. If I ever knew Tennessee had six month winters with ice floes and penguins, I would have never come here.

On the positive side (I have to search damn hard to find one) I just ordered a lot of supplies from Walmart, which should arrive on Wednesday (before the Big Cold Front).

Unfortunately, Walmart doesn't ship perishable items to my rural area - - which means I can't get things like milk, cheese, eggs, butter, and frozen food. I've been living on evaporated milk and goat milk.

I wanted to get a ham, so I switched to another company (that delivers to my rural area) - - but their hams were pathetically small and outrageously priced.  So I ordered some German sausage instead - which will be delivered on Thursday.

I'm sure this is of absolutely no interest to anyone. I'm merely documenting the pathetic remnants of my wretched, mundane existence.

As always, I'm just talking to myself.

My piano videos are precious to me, because they remind me of a time when I was alive, healthy, creative, optimistic, with a life filled with incredible adventures.
In stark contrast, I'm presently nothing more than a weary, disillusioned, sickly, crippled, impoverished, empty shell.
I no longer have the strength to care.

But I'm plodding on, through the depressing death-path of winter - -
hoping that salvation, optimism, warmth, and sunlight await........

somewhere

somewhere.........             Jon

(do I use too many dots.......and dashes - - -??)

.

AND FINALLY THE LAST

 Finally, the last month of an extremely grueling year. 

Before I get into my upbeat holiday posts and all the cutesy Christmas crap, I'm going to do one more depressing post - - the kind I know you're very reluctant to read.

I'm sure you'd rather read an uplifting post - - with me traipsing through the forest, accompanied by colorful unicorns and joyful fairies, waving my magical wand as it emits blissful pink showers of Lawrence Welk bubbles.

Sorry, comrades, but my forest is eternally plagued with grim nightmares, evil gnomes, and endless depths of dark, raw reality.

Life, as I know it, is an unrelenting bitch and there are no happy endings.

So, what have I been doing lately?

I was delighted when I received my new USB computer keyboard last Monday. I could finally write again!
Two nights later the Nature Gods saw my glee and pelted rural Tennessee with severe storms. Naturally there was a power outage and my computers and landline phone (as usual) were zapped dead. No Internet connection.

This happens every time there's a storm. I'm thoroughly, completely, absolutely disgusted at having to call my Internet provider for assistance. I'm tired of them having to come out and "fix" my computer.
So - -
I decided to fix the damn thing myself. I spent half the day messing with wires and connections. With absolutely no plausible technical knowledge I screwed around with all the reset buttons. Sometime around dusk, I finally got an Internet connection!
Small miracles sometimes happen - -
or was it a freak fluke......?

Despite this technical miracle, the rest of my life is hell.
My furnace isn't working and I don't have $3,000 for a new one. I'm using space heaters in the kitchen and bedroom and they're sufficient. This is absolutely the coldest house I ever lived in. The drafts and dampness are beyond belief. I don't need a furnace. I need an exorcist.

My November utility bill tripled - and the really cold weather doesn't arrive until January.

Late at night the raccoons keep me awake - ripping the roof apart and shredding the insulation.
I'm infested with mice.
More trees were toppled during the recent storm. The wild brush is over ten feet high.
I won't mention the problems I'm having with S.S., Motor Vehicles, and insurance. 

My health "issues" are beyond endurance.
High blood pressure, irregular heartbeat, constant aural migraines, a persistent hacking cough due to the dampness, constant severe cramps in my hands.

When I was twenty, I performed a piano concerto with a symphony orchestra.
Today my hands are so friggin' cramped that I can hardly hold a spoon.
If that isn't bitter irony, I don't know what the hell is.

Worst of all - I'm reluctant to admit this - but I'm losing my ability to walk.

This grim post is getting much too long, but I finally want to reveal everything about my ongoing spinal issues.

When I left California and moved to the Missouri Ozarks (I was in my early 30's) I had a horrific accident. It happened on Labor Day in September.
I was carrying a heavy vacuum cleaner up a flight of polished wooden stairs - and I was foolishly wearing only a pair of socks and no shoes. I slipped and fell down the flight of stairs.
I hit my spine so hard that I thought my back was broken. I couldn't move or walk. The bruises on my back were so bad that they were still there on Christmas.
Half a dozen spinal fractures, serious damage - I needed surgery but refused. As a result, I had permanent numbness and constant tingling in my left leg. And extreme difficulty moving my leg.

Fast forward to the winter of 2015 - - my first winter in Tennessee.

There was heavy snowfall and an ice storm. One of the water pipes burst under my house. Everything was flooding.
I panicked and ran outside to turn off the main water valve. The water meter is very far from the house, near the passing road. I had to run down a steep, icy hill.

I was (foolishly) wearing cowboy boots - which have no traction. Just as I got to the meter, I slipped on the ice and hit my spine EXACTLY where I had the injury in Missouri.
I fell in the snow and was completely paralyzed. There was absolutely no one to help me. I laid there for at least half an hour.

Somehow I got my arms to move and I summoned the courage and strength to crawl. Inch by inch I dragged myself up the icy hill and finally got to the back porch.
I'll never know how I survived.

To abbreviate an extremely long story - I never told anyone the seriousness of my situation and had no way of getting to a doctor.

If I ever revealed the agony I went through for the next year, nobody would ever believe it. The pain in my back and spine was so excruciatingly bad that I couldn't walk and spent most of the time in bed. I could hardly stand up to give my three cats (at that time) food and water. I could seldom prepare meals for myself.

It was a very long time before I attempted to make the long drive to town - and I was in such pain that I couldn't make it. I had to literally drag myself out of the car and crawl on my hands and knees to get back to the house.

It was months before I could manage to walk again and I eventually noticed a horrible, radical shift in my spine. I could no longer stand straight or walk normally.

Over the years, my spine kept getting worse. I continually lost my balance and often got paralysis in both my legs.

As of today, I'm slowly but surely completely losing my ability to walk. I desperately tried to ignore it, but it's finally getting much worse. I can hardly navigate....and have to hang onto walls, furniture, and anything else just to get through the house. I'm losing much of my coordination and can hardly lift anything at all. I'm in perpetual agony and often can't get my breath.

A horrifying plight when I live alone in a forest in the wilderness.

This is a BITCH of a post. It's too long, too depressing, and I've said far too much.
My main objective is to reveal everything I'm going through. I'm not looking for sympathy or advice.

Somehow I'll manage to survive. I've been through a helluva lot of bad times during my life. This is merely the latest challenge.

Everything in life is a challenge, some worse than others. We all have our burdens to endure.

If you dared to read this entire post - my heartfelt thanks.

I didn't bother to edit this and typos probably exist.

Thanks for your endurance,  Jon

SEARCHING FOR A PLAUSIBLE ESCAPE

 After thoroughly searching every conceivable possibility, I've come to the horrifying conclusion that there is no escape.

We are erroneously told that we create our own destinies, contrive our own private versions of hell. I vehemently reject that supposition. Our earthly hell and damnation is preconceived by an evil force much higher and more powerful than our putrid selves.
We are cursed at birth and bear the unwanted burden until we breathe our last.

I have no intention of elaborating. Think what you want.
All I'll say is that I'm on the dangerous verge of a complete mental and physical collapse. The thread that I'm desperately grasping is more fragile than a cobweb in the wind.

I don't expect anyone to understand what I'm presently going through. Without tedious elaboration, I will merely say that the very worst things that could possibly happen have finally culminated and crushed me like an avalanche.

Writing this - revealing my true feelings - is a personal, beneficial purge. If I don't express myself, I risk descending into madness.

I don't want sympathy or advice. I wouldn't expect anyone to fully understand. I'll regret writing this - - but why shouldn't I reveal the truth?

Drastic change of subject

I ordered a new keyboard for my laptop. Thanks to expedient FedEx express, it was delivered today. USB connected keyboards never seem to last very long. I'm weary of technology.

Ironically, my FedEx order of much-needed supplies is partially delayed. A pox on the infuriating holiday season. It causes far more stress and trouble than it's worth.

Tidings of great joy, my ass.

With my rapidly increasing health "issues" and  my rapidly deteriorating car, I don't know when I'll ever be able to drive to town.

I should have been struck dead when I chose to live in an insanely rural area - - but at the time, I had logical reasons (without regarding the future).

In a masochistic and yet strangely romantic way, I like being immersed in the bleak, unforgiving forest.
Strong storms and possible tornadoes are predicted for tomorrow night (Tuesday). Perhaps more trees will topple and I'll be mercifully put out of my present misery........

Recent photos of my back yard - - the surrealistically bleak forest.

A gentle caress of pink fog in the morning

A raw and angry dawn

I want to thank the kind people who left comments on my Thanksgiving post. I couldn't reply due to computer keyboard woes. I read all of your blog posts.

A note to Paranormal John:

Yes, I've always liked the bizarre music of Erik Satie (even though I was never exactly in love with him).
I used one of his compositions on my video tribute to Theda Bara, Here's the link

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sjEhCz34ok4

If the link doesn't work, you can find it on my YouTube channel Jayveesonata.

Cheers, Jon

THANKFUL?

For the first time in my entire life, I face Thanksgiving with absolutely nothing to be thankful for. My devastating personal problems and increasing health issues have destroyed any semblance of hope or gratitude.

I'm not in the mood to feign a saccharin list of phantom blessings that don't really exist.

When I go to bed at night I fervently pray that I'll never wake up.
When I wake in the morning I cringe at the thought of having to face another day.

But you don't want to hear this.
And I don't blame you.

I'll keep the secret agonies to myself and take them to my grave.

Change of subject-
miscellaneous diversions

I had planned to make the dreaded long journey to town this week.....but health issues and the thought of facing pre-Thanksgiving shoppers was incentive enough to keep me home. I'll try to go next week.

As for Thanksgiving, I'll make due with what I have at home. This includes a large pork sirloin roast, sweet potatoes, green beans, homemade bread, and homemade soup.

A thick hodgepodge soup, which I made with chicken, corn, and noodles. I really wanted to add carrots and onions - but I'm all out.

I also plan to make a strawberry rhubarb pie and possibly pumpkin bread.

I yearn for the distant days when I had family and friends to cook for. I enjoyed making elaborate meals.
Nowadays it's just me and my cat Bosco, ensconced in the unforgiving wilderness.

I admittedly started baking again - after a pathetically long hiatus - and I'm surprising myself with my (humble) creations. I made a cherry pie last week. It didn't exactly look perfect but tasted delicious. I found a simple recipe for pie crust and it was really good.

I'll have to learn how to properly crimp the edges of the pie. My clumsy efforts were pitiful.

I baked my very first loaf of homemade bread and it was perfect, surprisingly delicious.

I made tortillas for the first time, and they were the most challenging to do. You have to roll the dough as thin as possible. Mine were (slightly) too thick.
And I couldn't exactly make them round. I had square tortillas, octagon tortillas, and alarmingly abstract tortillas. But they tasted very decent and I used them for burritos.

One of my nearly round tortillas in progress. Each side only has to be heated for about a minute.

Later......

Is today Wednesday? I think so. I just made a strawberry-rhubarb pie from scratch. Just took it out of the oven. When it (finally) cools I'll eat a piece and save the rest for tomorrow.

My strawberry-rhubarb pie. It doesn't look perfect, but I couldn't care less. I'm the only one who's going to see it.......and you.
But you're too polite to laugh.......

Weather Report

Rain is predicted for Thanksgiving. And Black Friday. And the upcoming weekend.

Question:

Does Black Friday sound racist?

What if it was called White Friday?

Blessings and Peace,   Jon              

MAY ROARING

 

May? Roaring??
Roaring like a lion, or perhaps even worse. Torrential rain. Biblical rain. Ark-worthy rain.
Last night and early this morning severe thunderstorms.
I stayed in bed, listening to screaming winds and ark-worthy rain. Listening to house-shaking thunder. Watching lightning explode in blinding flashes outside the window. Lightning so fierce that it expelled a lifetime of sins and instilled a fear of the Almighty.
Then I said "To hell with it" and went to sleep.

Naturally there was a power outage. If I had a dollar for every power outage here in rural Tennessee, I could probably buy a castle in Transylvania.
That's where I want to go. Land of the Magyar vampires.

So how have I been doing?
I'm profoundly depressed, disgusted with absolutely everything. Physically, I feel like I died three weeks ago. Mentally I'm far over the edge.
What edge, you ask? The edge of extinction.

Isn't it amazing that I write so well even when I'm mentally and physically kaput.

Remember last week when the snake was in my house? (read my previous blog post to savor the excitement). I heard noises and crashes in the living room. Well, the nasty serpent knocked some things off of shelves. And he knocked down a row of colored glass bottles that I had on a windowsill (my cats never touch them). Fortunately nothing broke.

Snakes really aren't bad, Jon. They do a lot of good. Snakes are our friends.

Yea, right. Tell that to Adam and Eve.

I'm cute. Even when I'm miserable.

I made a new piano video.
(don't you DARE go away - - you're my captive audience).

My piano rendition of music from the operetta The Merry Widow by Franz Lehar (1870 - 1948). A Hungarian composer.

My original video contained six songs and was way too long, so I cut it down to three.

The month of May always reminds me of The Merry Widow. The very first performance I ever saw of it was in May - - long ago, when I was intensely romantic....and in love. Fond memories.

The Merry Widow is the story of a first love that went awry - and a second chance to rekindle that love many years later.
The music is emotionally appealing and intriguingly beautiful.

My piano arrangement on the video was an impromptu endeavor - performed without any rehearsal - and without much thought.

Almost everything I do is without much thought.
It's scary.

                Cheers, Jon

Video best watched full-screen

LAST REMNANTS OF APRIL

 

The last few days of April. Finally finally some sunshine and mild temperatures (but it was very chilly last night). The house is always cold - like the catacombs of death.

Been teetering on the deep edge lately, hanging on by a thin thread. My frustration, anger, disgust, and profound depression have nothing to do with blogging or bloggers,

I'm hopelessly immersed in my own personal problems, which seem to multiply and intensify every day.  Overwhelming problems having to do with existing in this ruthless wilderness, and even more overwhelming issues with my health.

Every night I pray that I'll never wake up and have to face another day. Yet, if anything ever happened to me way out here in Nowhereland, nobody would ever find me. And I'm beginning to think no one would care.

I've been such an uncommunicative hermit for so long that my friends and relatives (and I mean ALL relatives) have distanced themselves from me.
I finally sent my relatives an email greeting on Easter. Only one person bothered to answer (thank you "M" - you know who you are).

Am I pitying myself? Hell, no. Just stating facts. Am I looking for sympathy? Hell, no again. Never got any in my entire life. Don't need it now.

If I can get a grip on my multitudinous health issues, I'll survive. 

One of the latest maladies:
due to several old spinal injuries that never healed properly, I'm having more and more difficulty standing and walking.
At night, in bed, my legs often go completely numb and I can't move at all. Then, very suddenly, I'll get excruciating spasms in my knees and hips that are so intensely painful that I actually scream in pain - and somehow manage to pull myself off the bed and onto the floor.

I won't dare tell about the other physical problems I have.

Doctors??
Some people gleefully visit doctors as a career ( I'm not talking about those with serious medical conditions). It's not easy when they're (drs.) hundreds of miles away. I don't want surgery. Don't want to be hooked on pills or medication.

It isn't my intention for this post to be so dark and dismal, I'm merely giving a glimpse of my situation.
I won't mention the influx of mice, the squirrels in the roof, the 'possums under the house, the alarmingly aggressive wasps - the problems with the water heater and drain - the mud outside up to my ass, the weeds and brush taller than me (no lie)...or the perilous, harrowing, endless drive to town when I need a frickin' gallon of milk......or the trash piling up because it won't fit in my car to haul to town....

I'm on a reckless rant. Stop me before I hurt somebody. Or myself.

On the bright side -
(bright side?? hahahahaha)

I'm making good progress in the house - cleaning, repairing, doing things that I should have done long ago. The rooms are looking decent.

The garage is the biggest nightmare. Just thinking of it scares me.

I decided that I'm definitely getting a new computer. My old laptop is fine - but showing subtle signs of age (much like myself).

I also want to get a new electric keyboard (musical instrument). My old one disappeared (lost?stolen?) when I moved to Tennessee.

This post is too long. Said too much. Bored everyone with my problems.
It was a purge. An emotional outlet.

Photos taken today: 

The only blossoms around here that didn't perish from the cold, as seen from the front porch.

Kitzee (also known as Scratch), being watched by a ceramic cat that I got somewhere in Texas. The colorful wooden box is from Europe.

MELANCHOLY AND THUNDER

I retreat deeply within myself when I'm depressed - existing in a satisfying  realm of private, impenetrable melancholy.
I don't want to communicate with anyone other than myself. I don't want interlopers invading my thoughts.

No need for alarmists to be concerned. This melancholic retreat has been a life-long habit. I eventually emerge, unscathed and reasonably intact.
A plausible theory is that my Hungarian Magyar blood and artistic soul are the main culprits.

I've never been uniform nor mainstream. And, strangely enough, I'm extremely glad. 

I've lost count of my problems and maladies  - which are increasing drastically and mercilessly with age. Each year is more complicated than the last, until there comes a point where the web in which I'm enmeshed becomes inescapable.

We all weave are own private webs. Mine is a vastly complex labyrinth of eminent destruction.

I'd be surprised if I'm making sense.
I'm talking to myself, which - if done too frequently - becomes a bad habit.

Last night:
long, sleepless, endlessly humid. No coyotes, but frequent packs of wild dogs - which, to me, are more disconcerting. A few distant gunshots in the woods, then silence.
The silence eventually became alive with restless crickets and rowdy owls.
My suffocating room swarming with insolent mosquitoes. 

Today:
Up extremely early to do some work outside. Sleepless and physically ravaged, I forced myself to dress and venture out. 
Within an exhausting hour, black clouds were quickly accumulating. When I hurried inside it was darker than midnight's shadow. Unbelievably violent claps of thunder shook the house with Herculean force and the rain descended like a Biblical torrent.

My two cats retreated to safer realms. My mid-day meal was much more unpleasant than I initially anticipated.

Why am I writing this? I have nothing interesting or important to say. I have no desire to be entertaining or congenial.

Why do I blog? It's a useless and thankless endeavor.
I'm not in the mood to reply to comments......or to comment on other blogs.
But this mood will eventually pass.
Eventually.

I value those few people who still remain and put up with me. 
The number is dwindling quickly.

As for those who flee.....alas, it's their loss....

TEETERING

My previous post was cryptic but apt.
Lately I'm walking a very thin line....
teetering on the cavernous Threshold of Nothing. 

My initial intention was to quit blogging for awhile, but an unnervingly persistent sense of guilt persuaded me to assure you I'm still among the living.

Some people are presently worried that the Plague will kill them.

I sometimes worry that I might live.
Ironic, isn't it?   

Life can be a nasty bitch that bites you on the ass and never lets go. I've got decades of teeth marks to prove it.

I won't mention the rapidly increasing trials and tribulations that I have here living alone in the wilderness.

I won't reveal the debilitating health problems that seem to be multiplying daily. 
I often mention my "bad back".
It isn't my back.
It's very serious issues with my spine due to old spinal injuries that never healed properly. The long-term result has become extremely alarming. 
And I mean terrifying. 

But enough of my crap. 
I'm surviving.
If I repeat that long enough I might believe it.

I'll keep blogging.
I probably won't be responding to your comments for awhile. You hold a special place in my heart and I treasure your input and thoughts.
I'm just not in the mood to  communicate.

Is it May already?
The forest is green but gloomy. Cloudy, balmy days. Mists and fog every evening. And late-night storms. Every night.

Beware of boring photos.

 My bedroom window.

Misty shades of green.

The neighboring mountain that I love so much is disappearing behind the sprouting leaves.

The "road" leading to my house where I often get stuck in the mud.

View from the front porch -

a jumble of trees

  The back yard

an undefined jungle

Scratch (Kitzee) and Bosco 

on the front porch

My two cats get along okay, but Scratch was never exactly in love with Bosco. She lets him know who's boss. 
It's rare to see them in perfect harmony.