LOST

 Easy to decipher. My heart is lost, my soul is lost, my fragile shreds of optimism were lost long ago.

I desperately try to remember the self that I was long ago. I try to conceal an indefatigable depression that gnaws away at everything my sustaining foundation had.

I've been ensconced too long in this lifeless physical therapy facility, which is now a prison. Too many idle days, too many meds, an abyss of inactivity.

My biggest fear is that of losing my mental capacities......and never seeing my forest home again. I'm desperately trying to maintain my mental and physical capabilities.

The phantom doctor appointment supposedly on August 12th, Tuesday? I'm still getting infuriating mixed messages. But I will persist. I plod on. Somehow.

I confirm my feeble existence in strange ways.

Tonight I've chosen two of my old videos. Few people like my videos. Very few understand them.

I'll share explanations. Secrets from my soul.

"Fallen Angels" and "Heart of the Lost"

Fallen Angels represents a deeply scar-ridden excavation of my long-ago past. Young, oblivious to danger, purposefully self-destructive.  I've confessed this many times before......

......but there are more things, much darker than that which I chose to reveal. In the midnight underworld of unspeakable L.A. and Hollywood, I kept company with the lost phantoms of Hades - -  I was a silent witness to scenes you wouldn't dare to imagine.

Pimps and dealers, and the battered hookers whom they owned, girls so highly addicted that they couldn't remember their own names......or the unspeakable acts they performed with strangers for another "fix".....

.....and the male hustlers, much more prevalent than the females - - desperately haunting every midnight street and alley. I vividly remember the boy I called Midnight Blue. Hustling every night in downtown L.A. Hardly fourteen. So physically beautiful that I wrote a poem about him....published in my book.

"His eyes are electric - - they will execute you."

There were criminals that I knew with darker secrets. Cold blooded murder.

The silence often screams.

Where are these fallen angels now? Lost souls long ago. My video was made in remembrance of them.

The music I used is "Dark Spanish Symphony" by Angelo Badalamenti (1937 - 2022).

"Heart of the Lost"

That's the title of my video and the Celtic music by Ean Grimm.

No one understood this video when I posted it on YouTube in the spring of 2021. It was an extremely personal statement. 

I was very sick with cancer and congestive heart failure. This was before I sought medical help. I decided that I would purposely end the agony. 

My plan was to go into my beloved forest, and savor the blessed solace that nature provided. I would bid farewell where my spirit wanted to be.

My soul was finally released in the form of a white wolf......

.......forever free.

Jon 💜 with love, free forever

many thanks for reading this, viewing the videos, and trying to understand

Videos best viewed full-screen and full volume

FALLEN ANGELS

 I made this video several years ago and was never satisfied with it. Yesterday I completely revised it. Of course, I'm still not satisfied......but that's my impossible nature.

The subject matter will undoubtedly irk some people and I can understand that. I don't expect anyone to fully identify with what I attempted to convey.

We would have to reverse time and travel back to the turbulent years of my wild and destructive youth - - when I haunted the midnight streets of Hollywood and L.A.....living in the hardcore underworld that harbors unholy secrets.

It was a world of good people who abandoned reality and took lethal detours that banished them to the unrelenting realms of hell. I lived in their company - - the druggies, the dealers, the male hustlers, seedy pimps and hookers......and those misfits who were merely addicted to delicious nightmares.....

We were all fallen angels.

I knew right from wrong. I had a Biblical upbringing. I was fully aware that every sin I comitted was a blasphemous act against God. But I craved adventure - - I was addicted to danger and (at that time) had an undeniable death wish.

I wouldn't expect anyone to understand. Today, I look back at those years with horror.....yet, I have absolutely no regrets. I'm glad I had unconventional experiences, and adventures that few people ever dared to imagine.

There is so much more I'd like to tell, perhaps to release the private demons.....I'm a complex enigma.

In the video, I'm remembering all those fallen angels that couldn't find any way to turn back.

Perhaps......just perhaps I was lucky.

Thanks for reading this,  Jon

Video is best viewed full screen and full volume

Music-

"Dark Spanish Symphony"

by Angelo Badalamenti

FALLEN ANGELS

  




I've made over fifty videos (hopelessly amateur endeavors). Out of all of them, this one is my favorite - partly because I love Angelo Badalamenti's music, and mostly because it touches my heart.

There's no secret message here. It's simply a lament. A remembrance of the fallen, the lost, the forgotten. Those faded ghosts who linger in the purgatory of distant time, crying for a validation that was never granted.

I'm thinking of the fallen angels I knew long ago during my reckless years in L.A. and Hollywood.

They pass in the shadows of my memory like unanswered prayers:  troubled souls who abandoned the sweet light of innocence in favor of the toxic world of eternal midnight.
The hustlers and druggies, booze hounds, drifters, pimps, prostitutes - the hopelessly lost, desperately lonely,  inevitably abandoned.

I was one of the fallen: in the recklessness of youth when I was immersed in the dangerously destructive realms of escape from myself.

And now, a thousand years later, when the heavy burden of a chaotic life has finally collapsed and crushed me - 
sapping every semblance of  redemption....
.....I'm left with fragmented pieces of an unending puzzle and the sobering fact that escape is elusive, and no solace exists in the taunting illusion of heavenly realms. 



Don't try to read too much into this. It's not intended to make sense.....merely some random thoughts on a restless winter night....



Note: I've posted this video before, but I'm rehashing it because I'm in a plaintive mood. Video is best viewed full-screen