Thursday, July 14, 2016
MY HATE LIST
I'm drinking beer and thinking "Hell, this should be a cinch - since I hate just about everything."
(that's a trait which I inherited from my father).
Then I reconsidered. "Hate" is an unbecomingly strong word. Perhaps "dislike" would be better.
I'm too intensely sweet to hate.
Anyway, here's my list. Hang onto your wigs and armchairs. It's going to get rough.
Listed in no particular order
1. Incessantly barking dogs.
I have a gun and know how to use it.
Yea, I know your kids and grandkids are adorable. Just keep them the hell away from my property.
Follow too closely and I'll break quickly.
4. Screaming babies.
Makes me think abortionists have the right idea.
Straight, gay, whatever. I've always been adamantly opposed.
6. Cell phones.
Who the hell are these obnoxious people constantly talking to?
If it doesn't decay your teeth and make you fat, I don't want it.
The most annoyingly over-used word in the English language.
A complete waste of time and money. They'll be divorced in three years.
11. Couples who proudly announce "We are pregnant."
You're not pregnant, you emasculated wimp. The cow is pregnant.
12. Women who proudly proclaim "I'm a single mother."
What happened to the man, babe? Suicide? Or did you drive him away? Was it immaculate conception? I think there were a couple shots of sperm somewhere along the way.
13. Stay-at-home dad.
It sounds far too sissy.
Save your damn cake and candles. I want to age discreetly.
I still have horror flashbacks from the 11th grade.
16. Rap music.
Take it back to Uganda where it belongs.
Continuous facial nicks and razor burn since I was seventeen.
18. Getting up early.
If God wanted me to rise at dawn I'd be a rooster.
Rigged. Phony. Look at me! I'm the best!
You don't really want my opinion....
21. Audio Books and eBooks.
If it's not made of paper and I can't turn the pages, I don't want it.
Holy shit, I have at least fifty of them.
23. Instant Messaging.
I rank that with instant coffee. The only instant thing I want is sex.
24. Windows Updates.
Why do they have twenty updates a week?
A Communist organization.
Biggest waste of money in the history of the United States.
28. Greenpeace and PETA.
I chop down trees, barbecue beef, and wear real fur.
29. Political Correctness.
Trotskyism at its worst.
30. Affirmative Action.
I just scrapped my opinion on this. I didn't want to scare you.
32. Doctors and Scientists.
I detest anyone who likes to play God.
33. NY Times Bestseller List.
Consistently some of the most incredibly bad books I've ever read.
America's biggest waste of time.
I'm talking computer spam. Not canned Spam.
36. Fine Cuisine.
I don't want bean sprouts and quail beaks. I want a side of beef and 5 lbs. of potatoes. With gravy.
37. Lima Beans.
Dry, repulsive, tasteless.
Slimy. Thoroughly disgusting.
39. Spiders, scorpions, ticks.
40. Washing Dishes.
Don't tell me to get a dishwasher. I hate them. Washing dishes by hand is a piss, but at least it keeps my fingernails clean.
This list is getting extremely long and I can sense your restlessness. I'll speed it up.
41. Caustic criticism.
There's no such thing as innocuous criticism. It's always intended to hurt. And it's often inspired by jealousy.
42. Cleaning the cat's litter box.
I have three cats and they shit more than an elephant herd.
What's this? Only 42 things on my list of dislikes??
Hey, I haven't even warmed up yet.
But I'll spare you the rest.
When I'm tossing and turning sleepless in bed tonight I'll think of 42 more.
Did I offend anyone?
If I did, lighten up. I was extremely polite and didn't mention Hillary or Obama.