I've been drinking beer all afternoon which has seriously modified my usual astoundingly acute senses. That's not an excuse, it's merely an admission.
I had planned on driving to town today. I've been procrastinating this excursion for two weeks, using every excuse possible to validate my intense trepidation. Today was supposed to be cloudy and rainy. I had no doubt about the validity of the forecast, since it's cloudy here 350 days a year and it rains 360 days a year.
Well, surprise, surprise. Today was sunny, not a cloud in the sky. It was 96 degrees (Fahrenheit, for those of you in the Hebrides) with 100 percent humidity.
My car - the air conditioner of which isn't working properly - was at least 450 degrees inside. I could have easily used it to cook a Thanksgiving turkey. Or nuke a Democrat.
I just threw that in to piss you off.
The thought of piloting treacherous mountain roads in the heat accompanied by five large bags of putrid trash (to be taken to the city dump) was more than I could tolerate. I opted to stay home.
And drink beer.
I'm low on cat litter. I'm out of milk and bread. My cell phone is dead and my 80-year-old digital camera needs batteries. I don't give a crap. I'll go tomorrow. Maybe.
Take a breath, Jon - a change of subject is in order.
Did you ever notice that the title of your blog post is a great indication of how many readers it will attract? It's true. If your post is called Sunday Afternoon, your grandmother will read it. And maybe a member of the Crumpet Committee in Yorkshire.
Title your post Naked Gay Porno Hunks in Hollywood, and you'll get more hits than a Saturday night hooker at a Plumber's Convention in Reno.
Nobody cracked a smile. Try another subject.
My recent Hate List post got an impressive number of hits, undoubtedly because Ron kindly pimped it on his blog.
I just suddenly thought of three more things that I hate.
Commercials. Spell Check. And Twitter.
I cannot comprehend the popularity and appeal of Twitter. I had a Twitter account a few years ago. I sat there for two weeks trying to figure out what the hell to Twitter about. Couldn't think of a thing. I'm definitely not a three-word type person. It's below the realms of my vast creative repertoire to twitter.....or tweet. I'll leave tweeting to the twits.
As unbelievable as it sounds, I heard through the proverbial grapevine that at least two people were afraid to read my Hate List for fear of what I might say.
WTF??!!??
I ask (with absolute astonishment):
Who the hell do you think I am - - Mengele? Vlad the Impaler? Leona Helmsley??
Are my opinions really that frightening?
Don't answer that. It was a rhetorical question.
Perhaps you don't really know me.
I was the sissified wimp you picked on in school.
I'm the guy who was afraid of my violent father until I was forty.
I'm the sap who panicked when my kitty was missing and went out to look for her in a torrential downpour.
(as dramatically described in a recent blog post).
So what's to fear?
Why don't we end this post on a positive note - -
and not a moment too soon.
I'll list some of the things that I love!
My "hate" list was incredibly long.This list should be quick.
I love kissing on a first date. Especially if it's with a lumberjack or a linebacker.
I just threw that in to knock the timid off their seats.
1. Reading.
2. Writing.
I don't mean writing checks. I mean foolishly and shamelessly revealing the depths of my soul via the written word.
3. Playing the piano.
4. Opera
5. Tea
I'm a tea addict - hot or iced
6. Art
7. Antiques and nostalgia
8. Old movies
9. The wonders of nature
10. The magical hours between dusk and dawn
So far, this is so incredibly boring that even I'm squirming in embarrassment.
Should I add purring kitties, walks on the beach, romantic candlelight, and beautiful sunsets?
Holy shit, Jon. You've turned into a Miss America contestant. Why don't you add "world peace" ?
All right, damn it. How about vampirism, true crime murder mysteries, demolition derby, cold beer, hot sex, anything chocolate (I'm talking food), and....
.....rainbows with pots of gold at the end of them.
Jonathan, that's disgustingly tacky and trite.
Fear not. I'll probably regain my faculties when I'm sober.
Ya know what I really hate? Endlessly long blog posts.....
Jon, I don't know what's going on today but I'm confusticated too. My "Trainride" post probably won't show up on anybody's reader until tomorrow afternoon --lag-time is typically 12 hours now for me-- even though I hit publish a couple hours ago. But in addition to agreeing and commiserating with your post, I had a big question to to ask in general. What's going on with Google?
ReplyDeleteGeo. I too have found post lagging behind . Not just mine but everyone's. I was beginning to think it was just a issue I was having. You have given me somewhat peace of mind.
DeleteThanks Maddie. I just checked and my post appeared on reader after 4 hr.s, which is the quickest it's done so in many weeks. Still, I'm baffled by changes to my GFC list, although the effect is spreading where bloggers elected to show subscriber galleries in increments of 80 icons --across the page top-- are likewise limited to 20. I suspect room is being cleared for something on our blogs. Advertising perhaps? Who knows?
DeleteI have been missing many posts from other bloggers lately because they don't show up on my dashboard - or if they finally DO appear, it is hours late. I'm also still having trouble with my font size, which often mysteriously changes by itself.
DeleteGoogle gremlins are intent on making mischief.
Dear, first off I have missed you!!!! Second, I feel and look like that drunk kangaroo right now! And your likes....we have some much in common! Believe it or not I have been drinking beer tonight too! Tis true! And it hits me fast. And must lay off. I accidentally sat on a cucumber tonight. It was an honest mistake. I was making cucumber sandwiches when the phone rang, misplaced the English cuke. Later in the phone conversation, I went to sit and got goosed royally!!! I actually sang soprano I believe, but it wasn't the first time, so there's that. I say,screw Tennessee and move here. The bungalow below me is renting. We can take New Hope by storm and have late night classic movies on weekends! And should you need any fans, I have plenty!!!! I'll even fan dance! Well, if you have any beer left, cheers and bottoms up!!!!
ReplyDeletemaddie, you are back with a vengeance! so is the cuke better than one of the houseboyz?
DeleteI actually hate beer (unless it's a really good brand), but cheap beer is all that's available around here - and it's better than nothing. Hey, I've sat on my share of cucumbers - but we won't go into that.....
DeleteWhat? Leave Tennessee?? Don't tempt me.
so you like tea; a proper cuppa, no rubbish, as my friend dr spo would say. any particular blend?
ReplyDeleteand who WOULD NOT go for "naked gay porno hunks in hollywood"? :)
I'll drink any tea, as long as it's NOT herbal. One of my favorites is Darjeeling.
DeleteI love all those things, too. I like mine over ice and no sweetening of any kind. I would love a kiss from a lumberjack!
ReplyDeletetea over ice
DeleteI'm suddenly in the mood for mint iced tea. It's wonderful in the summer, and I haven't made it in a long time.
DeleteI like beer rants. I found out recently that there is something called beer yoga. Not quite sure how it works. I hope the weather cooperates so that you can get your garbage disposed of and your grocery shopping done. I like tea but hardly ever think to drink it. Had something called a Tom Arnold the other day which was half iced tea and half lemonade. Not bad.
ReplyDeleteBeer yoga? Like doing yoga and drinking beer at the same time?? That could be dangerous.
DeleteI love iced tea with lemonade in it. Or sometimes I'll use orange juice, lime juice. or pink lemonade.
Try it with a little pineapple juice, very refreshing and a little exotic.
DeleteJon,
ReplyDeleteYou are absolutely right about Blog titles. I wrote a post a couple years back (maybe more) and titled it "There is Nudity in This Post". It has remained my number posting to this day. It still gets hits. Poor disillusioned souls! Of course there is no nudity in it at all, unless you count the word. Sex sells, I need to get it in my titles more often. Well, such posts are coming (I hope I used an o and not a u there).
Larry
It is true - my raciest blog post titles have always attracted the most attention. My most popular one so far is "Elizabeth Taylor's Pussy" - which had photos of Liz with her cat.
Delete"I love kissing on a first date". Isn't that a Melania Trump quote?
ReplyDeletecouldn't resist. I like you.
DeleteIf you're gonna kiss on a first date, it might as well be with an aging billionaire.
DeleteJon, this is a fabulous post! I like all your posts but I especially like these "live wire" posts. Great job Jon. And how about this humidity and heat? The older I get the more it bothers me to the point where I am trapped in my house, reading blogs. (smile)
ReplyDeleteRon
The intense heat seems to drive us to our blogs - but it's a pleasant diversion. I agree - the older I get the more the heat bothers me. And the humidity is unusually intense this summer.
DeleteI love to write "live wire" posts, but - of course - I always fear that I might electrocute someone.
You remind me of Peter Griffin from Family Guy when he says "you know what grinds my gears?". And since you've brought it up, I hate those damned Liberty Mutual car insurance commercials where the girl who looks like Margaret Cho talks about her car Brad and doing the happy dance. I want to throw her ass right over that damned railing and do my happy dance. I hate how I'm starting to sag in parts of my body that I didn't even know there was anything there to sag. I'm really pissed that my hair HASN'T grown back. I was hoping I had Alopecia like Little Edie, but no such luck. As far as kissing on the first date, I haven't had a first date in so long I don't remember what it was like. And I don't think my husbear would approve of such behavior anyway. He's just not that broad minded. We didn't kiss for a couple of dates, I recall. Like Margo Channing in All About Eve, I'm not to be had for the price of a drink like a salted peanut. God what a great line! You know, Joe Mankiewicz was born right here in dumpy old Wilkes-Barre, PA. I notice he got out as fast as he could and I don't remember that he ever triumphantly returned.
ReplyDeleteI love whatever you choose to write in your blog(s).
Commercials annoy me beyond redemption. And the commercials on the radio are just as bad as the ones on TV. It seems that an hour-long radio show has about 25 minutes of advertising.
DeleteHollywood doesn't make them like Margo Channing anymore....
I have never heard of a crumpet club,mainly because you just made that up!I am in Hertfordshire (a tiny county at the other end of England) and not Yorkshire but I am willing to be your agent in this area to start a crumpet club.We could kick start it by calling you the crumpet king and handing out pics of you dressed in a crumpet suit of your own design!!
ReplyDeleteSorry its the heat and the English sense of humour - same as your own really.
If I attempted to start a crumpet club in your necks of the woods, I'd either be run out of town or laughed out of town. If I proclaimed myself to be the Crumpet King I'd be tarred and feathered.
Delete...or, who knows....perhaps I'd be a success.....(??)
Think English eccentric.You would have to step your game up to get a raised eye brow with a lot of them.But don't.I am off (along with the Saxophonist)for a quiet drink in a little while - just come and have a glass of something nice and a chat at our local pub.
ReplyDeleteSounds like a pleasant idea!
DeleteGawd, Jon ... there's so much I love about this post! "Nuke a democrat" and your "turning into a Miss America contestant" resulted in much inappropriate giggles at the surgi center this morning.
ReplyDeleteCatchy blog titles? Were I to closely examine my (paltry) audience demographics, the term milque-toast comes to mind. Candor - sans (your style) wit - equals epic fail.
I wonder why it's so easy to readily identify that which we hate ... vs. love. For me, anyway. Must study that. Later....
After ingesting beer I'm always a little more outspoken and prone to caustic rambles. It's satisfying. BUT I still walk on eggshells for fear of offending. "Nuke a Democrat" was the least offensive thing I could think of.....
ReplyDeleteYou're absolutely right about candor equaling failure. And wit doesn't help one bit (intentional rhyme there). Anyway, I'm glad you appreciate my efforts.
There are many times when I actually hear people biting their tongues in order to politely tolerate me.
Gee you have so many comments I forgot what I was going to say. I know you care, right?
ReplyDeleteHey, Paula, I always care. I'm not used to getting this many comments. It's good to know you're there - and it's the thought that counts.
DeleteI enjoy your rants, it is good to hear what you like.
ReplyDeleteIt's very unnerving to think that it actually took me awhile to come up with things for my "like" list....
DeleteI may not have agreed with all of your "hates," but we're completely in sync with all your favorite things. Then again, I'm one of those gosh-darned optimists who's enamored with damned near everything. (Except for beer. I hate beer.)
ReplyDeleteI've always hated beer. It's repulsive. Unfortunately it's the only thing I can find around these Tennessee hills that gives me a buzz. Except for the wasps....
ReplyDeleteYou are a man after my own heart. READING. WRITING. TEA. ART. NATURE. And what clinched it was those magical moments between dusk and dawn. LOVE you JON. Keep 'em coming.
ReplyDeleteThey are definitely the things I love most - completely satisfying. And the magical hours between dusk and dawn have always been my favorite time, for as long as I can remember. My soul is a spirit of the night...
ReplyDelete