I'm drinking beer and thinking "Hell, this should be a cinch - since I hate just about everything."
(that's a trait which I inherited from my father).
Then I reconsidered. "Hate" is an unbecomingly strong word. Perhaps "dislike" would be better.
Dislike.
I'm too intensely sweet to hate.
Anyway, here's my list. Hang onto your wigs and armchairs. It's going to get rough.
Listed in no particular order
1. Incessantly barking dogs.
I have a gun and know how to use it.
2. Children.
Yea, I know your kids and grandkids are adorable. Just keep them the hell away from my property.
3. Tailgaters.
Follow too closely and I'll break quickly.
4. Screaming babies.
Makes me think abortionists have the right idea.
5. Marriage.
Straight, gay, whatever. I've always been adamantly opposed.
6. Cell phones.
Who the hell are these obnoxious people constantly talking to?
7. Sugar-Free
If it doesn't decay your teeth and make you fat, I don't want it.
8. Taxes
Enough said.
9. "Awesome!"
The most annoyingly over-used word in the English language.
10. Weddings.
A complete waste of time and money. They'll be divorced in three years.
11. Couples who proudly announce "We are pregnant."
You're not pregnant, you emasculated wimp. The cow is pregnant.
12. Women who proudly proclaim "I'm a single mother."
What happened to the man, babe? Suicide? Or did you drive him away? Was it immaculate conception? I think there were a couple shots of sperm somewhere along the way.
13. Stay-at-home dad.
It sounds far too sissy.
14. Birthdays.
Save your damn cake and candles. I want to age discreetly.
15. Algebra.
I still have horror flashbacks from the 11th grade.
16. Rap music.
Take it back to Uganda where it belongs.
17. Shaving.
Continuous facial nicks and razor burn since I was seventeen.
18. Getting up early.
If God wanted me to rise at dawn I'd be a rooster.
19. Contests.
Rigged. Phony. Look at me! I'm the best!
20. Surveys.
You don't really want my opinion....
21. Audio Books and eBooks.
If it's not made of paper and I can't turn the pages, I don't want it.
22. Passwords.
Holy shit, I have at least fifty of them.
23. Instant Messaging.
I rank that with instant coffee. The only instant thing I want is sex.
24. Windows Updates.
Why do they have twenty updates a week?
25. Facebook.
A Communist organization.
26. Stravinsky.
Ear torture.
27. NASA
Biggest waste of money in the history of the United States.
28. Greenpeace and PETA.
I chop down trees, barbecue beef, and wear real fur.
Wanna rumble??
29. Political Correctness.
Trotskyism at its worst.
30. Affirmative Action.
I just scrapped my opinion on this. I didn't want to scare you.
32. Doctors and Scientists.
I detest anyone who likes to play God.
33. NY Times Bestseller List.
Consistently some of the most incredibly bad books I've ever read.
34. Football.
America's biggest waste of time.
35. Spam.
I'm talking computer spam. Not canned Spam.
36. Fine Cuisine.
I don't want bean sprouts and quail beaks. I want a side of beef and 5 lbs. of potatoes. With gravy.
37. Lima Beans.
Dry, repulsive, tasteless.
38. Okra.
Slimy. Thoroughly disgusting.
39. Spiders, scorpions, ticks.
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!
40. Washing Dishes.
Don't tell me to get a dishwasher. I hate them. Washing dishes by hand is a piss, but at least it keeps my fingernails clean.
This list is getting extremely long and I can sense your restlessness. I'll speed it up.
41. Caustic criticism.
There's no such thing as innocuous criticism. It's always intended to hurt. And it's often inspired by jealousy.
42. Cleaning the cat's litter box.
I have three cats and they shit more than an elephant herd.
What's this? Only 42 things on my list of dislikes??
Hey, I haven't even warmed up yet.
But I'll spare you the rest.
When I'm tossing and turning sleepless in bed tonight I'll think of 42 more.
Did I offend anyone?
If I did, lighten up. I was extremely polite and didn't mention Hillary or Obama.
Wow, you pretty much hit all of my dislikes as well. AND had me laughing out loud. Thanks Jon!
ReplyDeleteWow, I'm always delighted when somebody agrees with me. Thanks!
DeleteBravo times 42, and that's not algebra. As for "getting up early", it's midnight here in California and it feels like the sun is still rising from yesterday. Great post, Jon.
ReplyDeleteI've been clueless many times - but when it comes to algebra, I was astoundingly clueless.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what the problem is, but I never get to sleep until dawn. I've been that way most of my life.
I love audiobooks, football (NFL, not college) and getting up early. Hate eggplants.
ReplyDeleteI don't mind eating eggplant, but I sure wouldn't want it every day.
DeleteI think everyone needs a HATE list.
ReplyDeletePizzzaz points for #'s 15, 16, 29, 36 ... and the chuckles!
I'll leave a few 'talking points' alone. It is, after all, is YOUR list :)
(Disappointed not to see Obummer or Killary up there!)
Even I sometimes disagree with myself on my opinions (try to ponder that).
DeleteObummer and Killary would have been FIRST on my list, but I didn't want to cause any trouble. I know that 99 percent of my readers will vote for Killary.
I don't hate kids; I hate their stupid, lazy parents. I no longer hate algebra; I love it, but it took my 50th birthday before I figured it out. Good list. Add AT&T.
ReplyDeleteIf I lived to be 150 I'd never figure out algebra. And you're right. Annoying kids are the result of annoying parents.
DeleteHA! You crack me up. Somehow, I don't believe you're the grouchy old curmudgeon you pretend to be. (I think deep down inside, you're a sweet old softie, but don't worry, I won't tell anybody...)
ReplyDeleteYou're always perceptive, Susan, and I'll reluctantly admit that you're right on target. My bark is always FAR worse than my bite.
DeleteWOOF!!!
Awesome list! (giggling like crazy up here in Fargo)
ReplyDeleteI know I'm a success if I can make someone in Fargo giggle.
DeleteNoticed I used awesome just to irritate you--LOL! ;)
DeleteI noticed. I politely ignored it (*smile*)
DeleteWe share similar dislikes which leaves me wishing to read another 42 of yours.
ReplyDelete"Hang onto your wigs and armchairs" ... oh,that cracked me up. Enjoyable post, Jon.
Actually I could probably come up with 100 dislikes. I just didn't want to present too much of a good thing (*smile*).
Delete#2, 4, 6, 16, 21, 25, 34-37 I find to be just horrible.
ReplyDeleteI'll add most veggies, auto pharmacy refills/calls, telemarketers, used car salespersons, religious freaks, politicians (of either stripe), stoopid people, lazy people, homophobes, xenophobes, people that don't know when to shut the fuck up (when they are not on their cell phones), big box stores, liars, people that cannot write/spell a complete english sentence with correct punctuation.
Organized religion and homophobia were two things on my list, but then I thought I'd scrap them because I didn't want to be too controversial (what? me??).
DeleteXenophobes and xylophones could definitely be on my list.
You made me laugh out loud.I don't agree with everything on your list but I love your honesty.
ReplyDeleteThere's nothing better than someone who can laugh even if they disagree. Thanks!
DeleteI can't quite summon the level of hate, but I seriously dislike those inserts they put in the National Geographic magazines before shipping.....
ReplyDeleteCheers,
Mike
You're definitely right about that - and unfortunately it isn't only National Geographic.
DeleteI used to feel the same way about Kindles until I got a Paperwhite. I absolutely love it. It fits in the back pocket of my jeans and has hundreds of books just waiting for me to find the time to read. If I finish one while I'm out and about there is another already there. Also, I can read in the dark and when I haven't "turned" a page in a while it will time out to save the battery. So much nicer than falling asleep with a lamp on and having my had cramp from holding open a book. Someone once told me that e-readers have no soul. So be it.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with the "we" are pregnant phrase and many others on your list.
You really hit a target with this. I have been reading in bed every night - with a lamp on, and holding a very heavy book that cramps my fingers and hands. I'm not joking. Last night I fell asleep with the damn lamp on.
DeleteSooooo, maybe there are benefits about e-books.
Oh my dear Jon!!!! I am on my second to last day on the island and drinking too! Most of the trip a blur. Must I go home and off the beach?!?!? well a fun post, I was laughing hardy. What the hell.....
ReplyDelete1.Incessantly barking dogs. There are muzzles people.
2. Children. let's just say, if I were Cronus, Id swallowed mine.
3. Tailgaters. Honey, if your going to get that close up my ass, let's at least get a room.
4. Screaming babies. This is why some species eat there young.
5. Marriage. but who wants to be in a institution? my first two were for love. the next is all money!
6. Cell phones. time and place. this is a HUGE peeve with me. I came close to shoving one up the ass of a passer by once. She'd have to fart to answer the call waiting.
7. Sugar-Free. what's the point? that's like a gin and tonic without the gin.
8. Taxes. I really hope accountant is paying these,,,,
9. "Awesome!" only thing worst is that god damned hashtag shit. If I ever find out who started that shit, Ill push them so hard in the face, they'll have to stick there tooth brush their ass to brush their teeth.
10. Weddings. Agreed. I'd rather have a huge blow out trip and make memories.
11.Couples who proudly announce "We are pregnant." my response in usually "Oh...Im sorry" first.
12. Women who proudly proclaim "I'm a single mother." her idea of fun????
13. Stay-at-home dad. Only the ones I see for afternoon delights.
14. Birthdays. I like others, but never mention my own.
15. Algebra. does this have to do with math and numbers?
16. Rap music. I'd rather stab my ear drums with a ice pick dear.
17. Shaving. I like a nice five o clock myself.
18. Getting up early. when working I have no choice. otherwise yeah....right.
19. Contests. nope, in my drag days, that why I never completed in titles. it was pure camp for me.
20. Surveys. only if a man or gin , or both is involved.
21. Audio Books and eBooks. like a mans ass, I want to crack something.
22. Passwords. I have to use the same three. Im blonde after all......
23. Instant Messaging. hell no. Instant sex!?!? HELL YES!
24. Windows Updates. the only good thing is, as long as they take, I can have two gin and tonics.
25. Facebook. yeah right. no time. waste of time
26. Stravinsky. ah, it's alright. Im more Beethoven or Tchaikovsky myself.
27. NASA. what's the point?
28. Greenpeace and PETA. well, I do have a comforter made of fur......
29. Political Correctness? Fuck that shit. Have fun I say.
30. Affirmative Action. only under the sheets.
32. Doctors and Scientists. only in a role play for me dear
33. NY Times Bestseller List. nuts. who's to say what is the best and to enjoy?
34. Football. that is a sport right?
35. Spam. pain in the ass.
36. Fine Cuisine. some, and preferably off the abs of a hunk.
37. Lima Beans. yuck.
38. Ochre. yuck.
39. Spiders, scorpions, ticks. hell no. but I will capture to use on my enemy's!
That was fun handsome...whats' next?!?!?! set up another round of gina and lets go for another...... see you soon.
OMG, Steven - you are absolutely hysterically funny, drunk or sober!! Your take on these things is much more impressive and memorable than mine. I was laughing like hell all the way through.
DeleteWe share many of the same thoughts and sentiments....Many thanks for taking the time to make me laugh (which isn't always easy).
if you think maddie is fun here, imagine her IN PERSON! she's a scream; she lives about 1 hour from my location.
Delete@maddie - #3: bwhahahahahahahaha! I bet you say that to ALL the boyz!
I loved your list, altho some of your items I happen to like quite a bit. You've never had my mother's "butter beans" (they're sort of a small lima bean) or fried okra, so how else could you not hate them? Side note on okra: it's only good breaded and fried, and eaten very soon after preparation, with sour cream for dipping; that probably undoes any health benefits from eating it anyway.
ReplyDeleteAs for algebra, I happened to love it, especially Algebra I in 9th grade. I was good at it (not to brag, but I was good at everything in school except sports), I had a great teacher (she even made the metric system make sense back in 7th grade!) and I got A's. Then came Algebra II in 11th grade, which also included some basic Trig. With a teacher who was the epitome of Ben Stein's (boo hiss on HIM) character in Ferris Bueller's Day Off, it was a lot harder to love it. But he was very knowledgeable about his subject, so I learned everything, and once again got A's. As a bonus, I got to help pull along a couple of jocks so they could get C's (you had to pass Algebra I and II in order to graduate), and let's just say they expressed their thanks in a way that I thoroughly enjoyed. ;)
And of course you are right about at least me voting for Hil; the alternative is unthinkable. ~~~ NB
Believe it or not, I've had fried okra. The fried part was okay, but the okra was still slimy and disgusting. Disguising it with sour cream sounds like a good idea. Butter beans sound OK.
DeleteI managed to get a C minus in algebra and I was damn lucky.
Kids are raised to believe everything they do is adorable. I once had a collectible silk apple. Here came Lil' Miss Adorable, popped the silk apple in her mouth and walked up to me for kudos. Her mother laughed. The kid laughed. I threw away a soggy silk apple that I loved. THEN I bought a hat. Loved that hat. Here came Lil' Miss Adorable II, who promptly found the hat and walked into the living room laughing at how she was able to CRUSH IT in her ham hands. Everyone laughed. Some animals eat their young and I think abortion is the answer. Or condoms. 10 at once.
ReplyDeleteI agreed with everything and want to add several more: 20 handicapped parking spaces, empty, and a handicapped person pulling into MY spot.
UNDER 20 cash lanes, standing behind a cart full of 50 items, half of which don't have their price tag.
People who stand and watch their food being bagged, then acting surprised when they have to pay for it - so a great search starts, looking for a check that will need authorized, then adding a gift card so they can get cash back.
Holding a door open for people who walk through with their entire family and half the neighborhood with no "thank you".
People who are afraid to pull out in traffic because they see a car a mile up the road.
The parents are largely at fault. My parents never catered to me and never thought I was adorable (even though I am). I was a flawlessly well-behaved child. I didn't go crazy until I was about eighteen.
DeleteYes, yes, yes. Handicapped parking spaces always piss me off. They seldom use them. And people who ride in electric carts for the handicapped in Walmart - and then suddenly jump up and reach for something on a high shelf.
I'm always irritated by people in checkout lines. Especially those near me who suddenly emit hacking wet coughs and enormously sloppy sneezes.
Everything about grocery shopping irritates me.
Ooooh, those electric carts! I purposely followed a young black man riding in one and he got terribly antsy when it was time to leave. He had practically climbed up shelves as he shopped and I was wondering why he was acting nervous all of a sudden. The reason? He grabbed his groceries without paying and RAN to his car. I do something that I've never heard another person doing: Watch your fresh veggies and fruit. Notice EVERYONE picking them up and sniffing them??? I immediately wash everything when I get it in the house, including cartons of milk. After all, everything gets touched by everyone, and the bagger is always wiping his nose!!!
DeleteLOVE your PET PEEVE'S. This entire post and everybody's comments were entertaining as hell. Here is my take on a few. #14 BIRTHDAYS- I'm a sucker for them, I admit it. I embrace my age. #15 ALGEBRA- Can not decipher the code? #18 GETTING UP EARLY is for the birds. I go to sleep AFTER the sun rises. My relatives must have been Vampires. #22 PASSWORDS- They are all TAKEN. Or so I'm told every time I try to come up with a new one. #37 LIMA BEANS- tasteless, completely right #38* OKRA slimy disgusting- AGREED 100% #39 SPIDERS, add snakes to list. CREEPY beyond words. And finally I have this to say about #42 Taking out the KITTY LITTER. It's a bunch of CRAP.
ReplyDeleteI honestly didn't know what to post and did this without any planning or thought. I was surprised at the entertaining responses.
ReplyDeleteI've been trying to forget my birthdays ever since I turned 40 (that was 150 yrs. ago).
I am hopelessly, helplessly, eternally nocturnal. Definitely related to vampires.
Snakes don't bother me too much. I've dealt with lots of them in Texas. When I lived in San Angelo there was a snake in my kitchen!! No lie!
Made me nod, made me laugh, only a couple of disagrees
ReplyDeleteAs long as you laughed, I can forgive you for a few disagrees.
DeleteJon,
ReplyDeleteI love lists like this! I may do one myself. I agree with many of the items on your list. Just a few I disagree with. I like lima beams. Wow! In fact, I think what I'll do is copy your list and make my own comments. Great!
Ron
I'd love to see your own comments on the list. I did this without putting much thought into it, but it turned out reasonably well.
DeleteOh I laughed alright Jon. I thought your list was hilarious! In fact see my blog post today. You were my inspiration. Of course I got a FaceTime call almost immediately from one of my blog readers expressing surprise and my level of . . . . . hate. Oh well.
DeleteRon
Hi again,
ReplyDeletedo you mind if a do a take on this on my blog at some point in the future?
Incidentally if you fancy a jive in the mud pop over.
I'm disappointed that the kind of spam they have in cans ISN'T on your list. Ugh!!!!
ReplyDeleteJenny, I'm not a big fan of canned spam, but I can tolerate it once in awhile.
ReplyDeleteAngela - my "reply to comments" device has suddenly stopped working, so I'm responding down here.
ReplyDeleteYou can certainly use this on your blog, I'd enjoy seeing your take on it!
You didn't offend me, I agree with so many of them. Big weddings are such a waste. My daughter had one but she paid for it herself and yes they are divorced. We had fried Spam sandwiches a few days ago. Pretty good with fresh tomatoes, onion, and Miracle Whip but I wouldn't want it too often. Good post I might add.
ReplyDeleteI actually like Spam on a hamburger roll with melted cheese and mustard. The way you make it sounds pretty good, too.
ReplyDeleteWho'd have guessed that reading somebody's HATE list would make me smile? Thanks for the laughs.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you, Donna.
DeleteWe're still allowed to say "God" - - aren't we??