Do you own a cell phone?
Yea, of course you do.
Do you take it with you when you go out?
Do you bring it into a store when you're shopping?
Sure. Why not?
Okay. Now here's my BIG question:
Do you talk incessantly on the phone while you're shopping - and, if so -
WHO the bloody hell are you talking to??????
Please wait a moment while I try to calm down and compose myself.
Okay. Let's continue.
I was shopping in Walmart yesterday (the most posh place in town). The number of customers in there talking on cell phones was astounding. It looked like a bookie convention.
I'm trying to look at cat food and litter, but there's a big-assed Hoochie Mama comfortably ensconced in the aisle, with her shopping cart blocking my way. She's completely immersed in a cell phone conversation and won't move an inch to let my skinny ass go by.
As I'm trying to make my way to a different part of the store, my navigation is impeded by an old man talking on a cell phone while he's walking.
And when I say old, I mean biblically ancient. Hell, I'm old, but this guy could be my great-grandfather.
He's shuffling so slowly that I'm surprised he's still able to stay in a vertical position.
I hear him say:
"I'm headed for the parking lot. I'll be home soon."
Problem is - the ol' geezer is heading towards the back of the store. He's nowhere NEAR the parking lot.
I suppress the temptation to grab the phone and yell "Grampa will be home in about fifteen years. Don't wait up."
I sure as hell hope he's not driving.
The worst cell phone aficionado is parked in the toilet paper aisle. She's a young babe with a couple of blabbering kids in the shopping cart.
She chats away on her cell phone without even attempting to move out of the way. She's in a conversational trance - - oblivious to the world.
I rudely reach around her to grab a four-roll pack of toilet paper.
"Double-ply", I say aloud, with the slight indication of a smirk. "I'll need it."
This is only a small sample of the Walmart cell phone addicts that I encountered.
And I'm thinking:
This is rural Tennessee. I'm in the middle of frickin' nowhere. Half of these people probably haven't seen indoor plumbing.
Who the hell are they talking to? Their agents?? Their stockbrokers?? Their analysts???
I can't figure it out.
Watch it, Jon - you're starting to sound condescending and snooty.
Hey, Pancho - if my apt observations offend you - - go to the Disney Channel. I ain't here to make friends.
I'm assuming that most of these Bozos use cell phones in public merely to look important.
I'm going to regress and take you back (whether you like it or not) to a time when I was a "kid" in Hollywood.
I occasionally enjoyed hanging out at the Polo Lounge in the Beverly Hills Hotel. Things have changed now, but at that time the Polo Lounge was the place to be seen. It was also where big Hollywood deals were often made.
Actors would sit around and gossip while waiting for calls from their agents. Producers and directors would make important calls while eating lunch.
This was long before cell phones were popular. The tables at the Polo Lounge were equipped with private landline phones.
I mostly used to sit at the bar, on the left-hand side of the photo.
So, Jon - what does the Polo Lounge have to do with cell phone users in a Tennessee Walmart?
Absolutely nothing. I was merely harking back to better days - when cell phones were non-existent...and public telephone use had a purpose.
By the way -
have you ever tried to reactivate an old cell phone? I did it last night and the entire harrowing, nail-biting process took about two hours. It's the closest I came to having a complete mental breakdown.