STRANGE DAYS

I'm much more concerned about this insane mass hysteria than about the virus itself......but I've always been a lone voice crying out in the wilderness.


These are strange days. Very strange.

I decided to go to town last Saturday. Saturday is always the worst possible day to go shopping - even under the best conditions - but I knew that Monday was going to be busy with a visitation from the computer technician (see my previous post).

So I got up extremely early on Saturday and embarked entirely against my will. 

When it comes to shopping, this minuscule Tennessee town has few choices: Walmart, a supermarket, and a Dollar Store. There's also a Walgreen's but they're expensive and basically have nothing. 

My first stop is always Walmart.  
Cat food. They carry the favorite food of my feisty, finicky felines.

I always park near the garden shop because access is easy through the side door. Walking long distances is absolute agony with my bad back.

Imagine my dismay when I staggered to the garden shop entrance and found the gate locked. 

This means that I'd have to walk six miles (very slight exaggeration) to the front entrance. 

I'd never make it. Considering my ravaged back and the fact that I didn't get any sleep, I'd undoubtedly perish long before I got there.

I grabbed a random shopping cart and used it solely for physical support as I laboriously inched my way toward the main entrance.

By the time the front door was in sight I was out of breath, sweating profusely, in intense pain, and ready to pass out.  

My heart was beating 100 times a minute - like a bunny in heat.

Imagine my unmitigated SHOCK when I discovered the front entrance was blocked off with ropes and long strands of yellow crime scene tape (I'm not kidding). I had to walk another mile  (tiny exaggeration) to go around and get through it.
I don't know what "unmitigated" means, but it sounds good for dramatic effect.  

Along this new, improvised crime scene entrance were several grim-faced Walmart employees - holding clipboards and scrutinizing those of us who were daring to enter the store.

My first thought was that they were checking to see if we looked sick - kind of like the elimination process at Auschwitz:

You, to the right! Work duty!
You, to the left! Gas Chamber! 

I later surmised that they were probably counting  customers - keeping the influx to a minimal.

Once inside, I saw a huge sign that warned customers to KEEP SIX FEET AWAY FROM EACH OTHER.

Hell, I should have been warned to do that when I was nineteen and got a nasty case of the clap........
........but that's another story for another time.  

The process of shopping in Walmart is always excruciating - - but this time it was like a surrealistic Twilight Zone episode.

Frantic people wearing makeshift surgical masks, trying to avoid one another while filling their shopping carts with anything they can find.

I feel naked without a mask. Masked women are suspiciously glaring at me as if I were the Angel of Death.  


When I get to the toilet paper aisle there are only a few packages left. I grab one quickly and also greedily grab two rolls of paper towels.....while breathing a sigh of relief at my fortuitous acquisitions.

The Easter candy aisle is deserted - - I suppose no one is in an Easter mood. I wanted a chocolate rabbit, but I'm not about to pay a high price for a 2 ounce rabbit packed in a fancy 64 ounce box.
Instead, I settled for jelly beans....and those ubiquitous marshmallow peeps.

I also get a pound of prima della hard salami at the deli and a loaf of Italian bread. To me, this is absolute heaven. I might as well die happy....

The entire concept of the  STAY SIX FEET AWAY sign was thwarted in the long checkout line - - where scuzzy-looking customers were sandwiched together two feet apart.
I tried to hold my breath.....and hoped for the best.

I was stunned when I finally got to the cashier and she started taking inventory of my items.
"We're rationing items, starting today", she told me.

I could only have one roll of paper towels, one loaf of bread.....
There was a long list of items, most of which I can't even remember.

The annoying part is that I only shop once or twice a month. I'm not hoarding things. I buy them out of sheer necessity.

This blog post is definitely too long and probably uninteresting.
Wait - - how could I ever possibly be uninteresting??

At this point, my only hope is that these unnervingly strange days will end. Soon.