FROZEN

FROZEN

Now that winter is here the damask roses are shivering.

I want to gather them up in a gentle embrace, a fierce effort to keep them warm

but my fingers are frostbitten with distant chords uncharted. My heart is frigid, my soul is frozen, every fiber of what I once was has withered and perished.

There is nothing left of warmth, nothing left of my fragmented past. Nothing left but pale traces of  distant  wounds that stab like ice encrusted knives.

Forget the past. No one is left to embrace it. This persistent winter has expunged hearts and souls. Nobody cares.

I should look to the future, but there is none. Winter is a ruthless, thankless,  endless obstacle. The very thought of a possible spring is inconceivable. It no longer exists.

Jon Varga

Caught in the lethal jaws of an unforgiving midnight

My writing, my words, my unintended thoughts and images are merely SHIT. Forget them.

P.S.

I do not believe that there will ever be surgery on my arm - - they are stalling again, as usual, after five months.  I have no help here whatsoever. Prayers won't help. I'm ready to EXPLODE!!!

 

TROIKA

 

Alright everybody - - 

What would you prefer,

a captivatingly beautiful piano performance by me.....

or

an update on the anguish and misery that I'm enduring in rehab.

The votes are in! It's unanimous!

You want anguish and misery.

Well, I'm not in the mood for verbosity or details. I'll be brief. Sort of.

The big storm arrived on time with snow on Friday and Saturday. Not much snow here in town. A lot more way out in the boonies where I live.

I'm still on a massive amount of meds. I think the extremely strong antibiotic will be removed this week. The onslaught of lasix continues - - which makes me pee every half hour.

It's so joyful to keep filling urinals and calling the nurses to empty them.

Yesterday two nurses shaved me (my face/beard). No one has ever shaved me in my entire life. Weird.

When I was in Cookeville I was on a very strict diet. They hardly let me eat anything. Now I'm on a regular diet with "low" sodium. Yesterday I had bacon, a cheese omelette, and regular coffee (no decaf) for breakfast. I think they're trying to kill me.

I'm really not in the mood to get into complicated details. It's all setbacks, anguish, massive unpleasantness.

Everyone is helpful here, despite my misery.

My vital signs and bloodwork are good. The edema has lessened significantly and is under control.

My biggest fear is that I'll never walk again.

To hell with this.

Like it or not, let's get to the music.

I made this video a few years ago (?). I thought it's appropriate for our winter weather.

Of course it's "Troika" ("November" from "The Seasons") by Tchaikovsky.

video best viewed full screen

Jon

Your driver on the sleigh ride

A DREAM

 Last night, long after midnight, I had a dream. The dream - which transported me to the past - was so vivid that it was like an unexpected resurrection that extracted me from the infinite depths of the dead.

Suddenly I'm young again - - vibrant, good-looking, with a delicious inevitable limitless future before me that denies any possibility of old age or abject misery.

My friends are here, my parents, relatives, confidants and lovers. My optimism, enthusiasm, adventurous quest to indulge in the gift of life - is as bright and inspiring as the eternal kiss of the California sunshine.

My blessings are always taken for granted - the warmth of my body and soul, the abundant food that I eat, the inevitable sanctuary of shelter and every fulfillment of my greedy whims.

I can not only walk - - I can run, practice yoga, hike, climb, and swim. Every aspect of my physical capabilities are in tact. My fingers are never gnarled or cramped - - they fly effortlessly along the piano keyboard, with extreme dexterity, allowing me to perform an incredible surge of concerts and recitals.

My meaningful existence is immersed in music, art, literature, and all that is available to ignite and stimulate the senses.  I hungrily devour books and indefatigably absorb music. I indulge in concerts - opera, ballet, symphonies, museums, theater, film festivals and folk festivals.

My friends and lovers buoy my spirits and the extraordinary adventure called life nourishes my soul.

I am immersed in the indescribable luxury       of comfort and contentment.......

until suddenly.....

I'm rudely awakened by the winter wind which is recklessly howling through the naked forest of icy trees, and carelessly rattling my paper-thin windows.

And I'm shivering helplessly in bed, frantically pulling the blankets around me - cursing the unwanted fact that my furnace is dead and the evil embrace of frigid winter has expunged any remembrance of the intoxicatingly warm California sun. 

My hands are ice, my legs are cramped, my feet are numb with pain. I shudder at the thought of crawling out of bed in the morning - wondering if my injured spine will allow me to hobble into the kitchen and turn on the hopelessly small space heater.

I shudder at wondering if there is anything left in the cabinet to eat - besides a can of beans and a scrap of stale homemade bread.

I listen to the rude scratching and rustling of  raccoons and squirrels ripping the insulation out of the roof........and the insolent mice racing across the floor.

I hear a distant chorus of restless coyotes and the unearthly hoots of disgruntled owls. 
And I'm wondering if I'll ever get my errant car started again, or if I'll ever be able to summon the strength to drive it.

The sudden realization of my utter isolation and dire desolation hits me like a lethal gust of an icy winter wind.

When I finally force myself to face the horrifying fact that this is no dream - - it's the curse of my present reality.....

I sit up in the savage darkness of night and shamelessly cry.

                                   Jon

 

IT MIGHT BE CHRISTMAS

I'm so cold and confused that I hardly know what day it is. Christmas? Heck, I wish it were the Fourth of July. This Arctic winter wonderland is killing me. 

On the bright side, it's slowly warming (?) up. The temperature is no longer sub-zero. It's presently 16 degrees (Fahrenheit). Last night (Christmas Eve) it was zero.
The space heater in my bedroom warms the room sufficiently. I have two heaters in the kitchen, but it's still cold.

Despite my dismal situation, I was pleasantly surprised by two recent things:

1. I survived the very worst and coldest days of the winter storm, in this drafty shack with no central heat.

2. I was genuinely surprised at the many people who were worried about me. Your concern means a lot more than you'll ever know.

I just realized that I haven't made the harrowing journey to town in about two months. I've been ordering all my supplies from Walmart (FedEx delivery people must be exhausted from coming here).

It's been a challenge, since Walmart doesn't deliver perishable food to my rural area. The only milk I have is canned evaporated milk and goat's milk. I bake my own bread, pies, and tortillas. 

Since I can't get fresh meat, I recently ordered some imported German sausage from another company that (miraculously) delivers to my area. It is absolutely delicious - - but expensive.

My "Christmas" dinner today consisted of sausage, green beans, cranberries, and sweet potatoes. And a pumpkin pie that I made yesterday.

I also make a lot of homemade soup. My favorite soup is chicken and vegetables. I generally use corn, carrots, and green beans. Since I don't have any chicken, I use Tyson's canned chicken white meat - which is perfect in soup.

Gonna make more soup tonight,

This post is boring....at least I think so.

Here are a few recent photos.

 

Colored lights and candles. I took these pics in the dark without a camera flash.

Not exactly Christmasy, but I think it's beautiful. I got this at an auction in Texas. It's a prayer box made in 1885 from an old New England church. The pieta statue is made of porcelain.

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

recorded in San Angelo, Texas

WHITE CHRISTMAS

My latest video posted on YouTube. It's my piano arrangement of Irving Berlin's White Christmas. This song evokes many bittersweet long-ago memories.

Ironically, I wrote this arrangement when I lived in balmy California. Here in the wilds of Tennessee, there's a possibility of a white Christmas this year. Winter storms are pummeling much of the country. The temperature here is supposed to drop near ZERO by Thursday night with possible snow.

If I had a snug, warm house with a working furnace I wouldn't be worried. Unfortunately I'm in an incredibly cold,  extremely drafty, impossibly damp house with a dead furnace. My apprehension concerning the up-coming frigid weather is intense.

Am I complaining? Naw. Not at all. I'm just shivering in fear. If I ever knew Tennessee had six month winters with ice floes and penguins, I would have never come here.

On the positive side (I have to search damn hard to find one) I just ordered a lot of supplies from Walmart, which should arrive on Wednesday (before the Big Cold Front).

Unfortunately, Walmart doesn't ship perishable items to my rural area - - which means I can't get things like milk, cheese, eggs, butter, and frozen food. I've been living on evaporated milk and goat milk.

I wanted to get a ham, so I switched to another company (that delivers to my rural area) - - but their hams were pathetically small and outrageously priced.  So I ordered some German sausage instead - which will be delivered on Thursday.

I'm sure this is of absolutely no interest to anyone. I'm merely documenting the pathetic remnants of my wretched, mundane existence.

As always, I'm just talking to myself.

My piano videos are precious to me, because they remind me of a time when I was alive, healthy, creative, optimistic, with a life filled with incredible adventures.
In stark contrast, I'm presently nothing more than a weary, disillusioned, sickly, crippled, impoverished, empty shell.
I no longer have the strength to care.

But I'm plodding on, through the depressing death-path of winter - -
hoping that salvation, optimism, warmth, and sunlight await........

somewhere

somewhere.........             Jon

(do I use too many dots.......and dashes - - -??)

.

TROIKA RIDE AND DEAD END

I thought a pleasant troika ride through the snow would be appropriate for this time of year. It's my piano performance on a video I made about a year ago.

Music is by Tchaikovsky - a series of twelve piano pieces depicting the months - entitled The Seasons, op.37
The month November is called Troika.

Dead End

I wanted to brighten your day with the music (hopefully) - - before revealing the dead end reality of my dismal existence here in the forest.

Torrential rain for several days with howling winds. The wind was so strong that it blew my front door open overnight and I didn't discover it until dawn.

My health "issues" are so intense that I can hardly walk and lately I'm getting frequent aura migraines (among other things).
Supplies are low and so are my finances. I tried to start my car yesterday and it's completely dead - - probably because I haven't used it in a long time. Getting a new battery is an inevitable annoyance.....

You wouldn't want to hear the rest of the daily horrors that are torturing me.

Worst of all, very frigid temperatures are predicted for next week - - near zero at night and possible snow by Christmas.

I'm apprehensive about this (hell, I'm actually terrified), since my furnace isn't working and I'm relying solely on a few feeble space heaters. If the power goes out, I'm literally dead. I know I won't survive.
I had a fireplace when I lived in Texas.
I don't have a damn thing here.

Sorry for writing another depressing post, but I'm offering you grim reality.

I hope somebody will dare to visit this wretched blog once in awhile. It will give you a chance to be overwhelmed by my cursed misery - - and thank the Lord for the blessings and luxuries that you have.

 Jon, shivering alone

video best viewed full screen

IN CONSIDERATION OF WINTER AND SPRING

I hate hot weather. I loathe tropical climates. Places that have an absence of four seasons are immensely depressing.

I lived in Southern California for thirty years. I existed in West Texas for more years than I care to remember. Neither place had distinct seasonal changes. The bland sameness all year long is detrimental to the soul.

Why am I writing this? I have no clue. I'm merely thinking out loud after ingesting an invigorating amount of homemade wine.

This year I was glad to see winter vanish and spring arrive. As much as I prefer cold weather, winter is no delight when one (meaning myself) is existing in rural poverty. 

Winter is absolutely wonderful when you're safely ensconced in your cozy, well-insulated house, watching the snowy landscape through the double-pane glass storm windows. Winter is a delight when your state-of-the-art furnace is blasting and you're bundled up in your $1,500 recliner, sipping a piping hot beverage, and deciding what you'll watch next on Netflix.

Winter is absolute hell when you're all alone in the wilderness, surrounded by isolated woods and hungry packs of coyotes - - in a flimsy, un-insulated house with paper-thin windows and leaky doors.

Winter is devastating when the dampness in your house is so intense, that the clothes hanging in your closets are actually wet - - when the furnace isn't working and there are no funds to get a new one, when you're shivering so hard inside the house that your fingers are completely numb and your breath comes out in frosty white puffs.

Winter is a bitch when you have to stay up all night, carefully monitoring the water pipes to make sure they don't freeze - - - when you run low on supplies and have to drive untold miles to town on a narrow, winding, icy mountain road in a car that is nearly falling apart......when you finally bring home a loaf of bread and have to hide it in the refrigerator so the mice won't get it.

Have you ever had to hand-wash clothes in ice cold water, and then hang them outside to dry when the temperature is 15 degrees (Fahrenheit)? Don't even think about it........

Yes, dear comrades, I'm absolutely delighted that winter has finally left and spring lingers invitingly before us.
In a few weeks I might actually begin to warm up........

Oh, one more thing before I depart:

Many thanks to the two kind people who read my previous blog post. It's comforting to know that at least someone is there and thinking about me.

When you get more spam on your blog than comments, it's time to worry......and perhaps give up.

Cheers, Jon

No photos this time. I really don't care....

 

MY RECENT HISTORY

Is it possible to delete my recent history, like I do on the computer?

Don't ponder that for too long. It was just a fleeting thought.

Last Monday: Valentine's Day.
There was a major "glitch" (I hate that word) on the account I have with a major company. Without going into major personal details, I'll just say that I thought I was financially wiped out.
It was the closest I ever came to having a heart attack.

Tuesday morning.
The major "glitch" wasn't my fault - it was a company error. I was on the phone for nearly an hour - and things were finally straightened out. My Big Sigh of relief was tremendous.

Have you ever spent an entire winter with a furnace that isn't working properly? I have been solely relying on space heaters.
My enthusiasm for getting a new $3,000 furnace is minimal.

Truth to tell - the space heaters have been heating the house better than the faulty furnace did. I've been keeping sufficiently warm.

Have you ever had to wash clothes by hand, in cold water........and then have to hang the wash outside early in the morning when it's sixteen degrees (Fahrenheit)?
The experience is beyond exhilarating.

I wouldn't dare tell you about the exciting adventures I've had with my incomprehensibly errant water heater......

Have you ever been without a working oven for over a month? I know how to fix it, but getting the proper replacement part has been a challenge. The new "proper" replacement part is supposed to arrive (finally) next Tuesday.

Truth to tell: I've been without a working oven for so long that I don't even miss it. I've managed cooking very well without it.

I've learned that there are many things in life which we can do without.
Except sex and booze.

The wind (and thunderstorms) were so strong last Thursday that I was afraid more trees would be toppled. Fortunately the trees didn't topple this time.
My property is presently littered with so many toppled trees from previous storms that I cringe at the thought of cleaning them up.
I hate the word "topple".....

I won't bother to mention the innumerable health "issues" that I've been enduring.
Daily "aura" migraine headaches. Dizzy spells. Problems with an old spinal injury that recently makes it nearly impossible for me to walk (NO exaggeration). I need surgery but have staunchly refused it.
I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to begin a relationship with a doctor......

What's this?
You think I'm complaining too much??
Well, comrades, I haven't even told you a fraction of my troubles. What I've revealed here is only the tip of the proverbial ice berg.

I've made a brief video tribute to my recently deceased cat Kitzee. It's a blatantly embarrassingly sentimental gesture - - but I'm a blatantly sentimental person.
I miss her immensely.

In recent years, all the things from my past have suddenly been abandoning me.....

Video best viewed full-screen

NIGHTMARE IN ICE

I keep thinking it's a nightmare - infused with squalor, isolation, abject misery, and entombed in eternal ice.
I keep hoping I'll wake up and things will be good, rational and normal, as they once were long, long ago in another time and place.

And then I'm struck with the horrifying realization that I am awake - immersed in the savage realm of reality that surpasses the worst nightmares and affords no escape.

I have no discernible alternative but to sleep, sleep deeply in the blessed arms of oblivion, where the excruciating nightmares of reality no longer exist.......

.....where I await the taunting promise of a possible spring.

                           Jon, entombed in ice

A frozen window

                     

MUDDLED FRAGMENTS

 Too cold to write. My mind is a distortion of muddled fragments. My soul is lost somewhere in a netherworld of fractured ice.

Bleak, sunless, mist-shrouded days that shiver with winter's wicked breath. Frigid nights that tremble with the death howl of icy winds.
This is my existence.

Tonight will be brutally cold. Near zero. That's brutally cold for Tennessee. That's brutally cold for fools like myself who live in the wilderness in flimsy houses with no insulation and non-working furnaces. If there are no power outages I'll be all right. If there's a power outage tonight..........sayonara!

The most disturbing part is that no one will miss me. Not a goddamn soul.
Am I being over-dramatic?
Not in the least.

Here's my latest act of idiocy.

When I went shopping in town last week, I left some of the newly-acquired supplies in the car, because I was too lazy to drag them up the hill into the house.

Yesterday I finally decided to retrieve them and - - - drum roll here to intensify the suspense....

the doors and trunk of the car were frozen shut! There was absolutely no way to get them open.
So, I'll have to wait until things thaw out.
Which might not be until June or July. 

Another thing happened when I went to town last week. I thought I lost three hundred dollars. I had three hundred bucks (cash) in an envelope and couldn't find it anywhere. I figured it was lost forever.

Then - two days later - I found it at home, on the floor, behind a shelf. It somehow must have fallen off the shelf.
Anyway, it was a rare happy ending.

I'm glad the mice didn't find it, or they would have used it to make a nest. 

What? No photos??

There was a very rare sunny day about a week ago (maybe less than a week - - I can't remember). I took a few photos.

 

WINTER BITES TENNESSEE

Last night Old Man Winter sneaked up and bit Tennessee on the ass. Snow, ice, blustery winds, and bone-shivering temperatures.

This past week was unseasonably mild. It was 65 degrees (Fahrenheit) on Christmas Eve and 70 degrees on New Year's Day. I thought I had been magically transported back to California.

The frightfully frigid gods of winter saw my delight and decided to thwart it. Just after dusk last evening the temperature began to plummet, wicked winds howled, and ice pelted the windows. At around 2:00 a.m. there was a power outage. The two cats and I shivered in bed until dawn - when the power was miraculously restored.

When I finally pried myself out of bed and looked outside I was greeted by a winter wonderland - - or an Arctic nightmare, more likely. 

Despite my abject disgust and misery, I grabbed my El Cheapo digital camera and ventured outside for a quick walk in the woods. Unfortunately, there was too much ice and mud. And my intended route was completely blocked by a massive pile of trees that were toppled in the tornadic storm that we had several weeks ago.

It was also colder than a penguin's kiss. My hands were so numb that I could hardly hold the camera. So I stayed home and took a few pics from the front and back porches.

The snowy glare was so bright that I couldn't see anything through the camera lens. All of my efforts were blind guesses. 

The woods in the back "yard"

View from the front "yard" (above). A tiny glimpse of the roof of my house on the left.

 

WIND-SWEPT CHRISTMAS EVE

Strong southern winds blew into rural Tennessee, bringing unseasonable warmth and a surrealistic aura which expunges the traditional essence of Christmas Eve.

The day was balmy, hazy, overcast, with feeble glimpses of dusty amber light that could have been sunshine. The wind was intense and persistent, and is still whining and moaning late at night as I'm writing this. My only concern is that more nearby trees might topple, like they did during the tornado warning two weeks ago.

In mid-afternoon the forest looked ghostly, with dark shadows of gnarled naked trees and haphazard piles of trees that were broken and toppled in recent storms. Bleak. Desolate.

My day was completely uneventful. The ceaseless wind was an appropriate accompaniment to the mournful elegy of my weary soul.

I had roasted lemon pepper chicken with wild rice for dinner. Pecan pie for dessert. Tomorrow I'll have leftovers.

Tonight I lighted candles to evoke the spirits of past memories. ...to resurrect distant echoes of what was once my life....

Sentimentality runs rampant in the custody of potent wine and the delicious danger of rural isolation.

These photos were taken at mid-afternoon on Christmas Eve. Believe it or not, they're in color but look black and white.

My recent forest photos all look alike because I've been taking the pictures from the back porch. Too lazy to venture away from the house.
 

The winter sun looks so remote and far away - even at noon. It seems to linger tauntingly near the horizon.

I bought some new candles the other day (how exciting!). This one has the rare and heavenly scent of amaretto and blood orange. I love it.
Blood oranges were always abundant in Texas around the holiday season. I haven't seen any here in TN.

This "tree" is a European Cypress. The candle is cinnamon and cloves (I'm sure your excitement knows no bounds).
 

A warm and aromatic array of candles on Christmas Eve......accompanied by potent homemade cranberry wine and the phantom sound of howling winds in the forest.
 

May poetic dreams always sustain you and may all good and positive things continually infiltrate your journey through life.     

 With love, Jon

Was that a strange sentiment? Heck, I thought it was better than "Happy Holidays".

I made this video last year and didn't like it. So, I revised it yesterday with some new visuals. I'm still not satisfied, but what the heck - it's not too bad.

P.S.  I'm STILL having lots of trouble trying to leave comments on your blogs.
A pox on Blogger!

WHITE

 

A tangle of wicked winter - - more ice than snow, more branches than sky. Frigid mists that have taken up permanent residence  in the shelter of the forest. The sunless days are bland, monochromatic, void of color. Winter white.

Sightless phantoms gather in the dead of night to ride on ice-encrusted gusts of wind, and shriek with devious laughter as they shake the timid house and rattle thin windows. 

And I yearn for the rescue of a spring that never comes, the impossible promise of rebirth and rejuvenation. The salvation of blossoms and leaves lingering on an unattainable horizon that taunt me with the possibility of a thaw, while I shiver in a prison of ice.

                                       Jon, shivering
                                       in a poetic mode

 

DEEP FREEZE

 morning fog

In all my (many) years of blogging, I don't think I ever began a post with good news. It's beyond the realms of my pessimistic character.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, hang onto your wigs and dentures. I'm going to begin with some good news.

Now - for those two unhappy Bozos who abandoned my blog because I'm "depressing" - - aren't you ashamed of yourselves??

I fixed my furnace today! I finally have heat during the biggest cold front of the season! 

So, why the hell didn't you have heat, Jon?

Settle down, Kemosabe, and I'll tell my excruciatingly long tale of woe.


Several weeks ago my water heater and furnace stopped working - almost on the same day. It happened during a very mild spell, when the weather was unseasonably warm.

It also happened when I was having extremely bad health problems (and other negative issues). I wasn't in the mood to fix things.
I always attempt to fix things myself before calling for professional help.

The water heater needs a new thermostat. I'll buy one next time I go to town.
The furnace was a much bigger problem. Without going into long details, I was (VERY) afraid that it might start a fire.
So, instead of attempting to fix it, I simply procrastinated......

.......until a BIG cold front suddenly blew in last weekend. Strong icy winds arrived, and with it came a Big Power Outage (capitalized for emphasis).
The temperature dropped quickly and drastically.

Let me interrupt this breathtaking tale to say that my furnace and kitchen stove are powered by electricity.
So, I couldn't fix the furnace. And I couldn't cook a meal.

For the sake of gratuitous atmosphere, let me also say how INCREDIBLY DARK it is here in the wilderness at night with no electricity.

And while I'm on a roll, I want to reiterate the fact that this is the COLDEST house I ever lived in. It's like being in an igloo with the air conditioner on full blast.

On Sunday the daytime temperature outside was 18 degrees (Fahrenheit, for those of you in Uruguay). The thermometer inside the house read 20 degrees!

The power was finally restored around noon, but the furnace still wasn't working.

It was so cold that I could hardly function. I and my two cats went into my bedroom. I brought along two space heaters and an electric blanket - - and we hunkered down for the rest of the day...and night.

Sunday night the temperature dropped to 10 degrees F. and the back door was frozen shut. I had to keep getting up periodically to make sure the water pipes didn't freeze.
If it wasn't for the space heaters and electric blanket, I think my cats and I would have been dead (no lie).
Thank God there wasn't another power outage!! 

This post is getting too long.
I know you're riveted to your rockers with excitement and breathless anticipation......

.....but I'll be merciful and cut to the chase.

Late on Monday afternoon I finally fixed the furnace and heat was restored!!!
My intense jubilation knew no bounds.

Even my cats rejoiced - - once they started to thaw out.

I cooked a real meal on the stove and made a hot cup of tea. Then I (and the cats) crawled into bed and watched videos.

My problems aren't completely over, of course. I still have to fix the water heater, evict the wild animals that are nesting in the roof and under the house, cut the 15-foot-high brush that has completely overtaken my property, clean the endless piles of junk in the garage, work on my car to make sure it still runs, fix the broken latch on my mailbox, fix an improperly installed deadbolt on the front door (courtesy of the previous owners), and fix about a dozen things inside the house - -

- - - with my bad back, painful hip, injured knee, and irregular heart palpitations - - -

But hell, at least I've got heat.
I'm happy.

 

DISASTER

My furnace hasn't been working. Instead of heating, it blows gusts of air that are more frigid than a polar bear's fart.

So what could be worse?
It happened on the coldest week of the year. Tonight is supposed to get down to 12 degrees (that's Fahrenheit, for those of you in Guam).

I've often said (without exaggeration) that this is the coldest house I've ever lived in. On a warm day I freeze my ass off when I'm inside. You can imagine what it's like in frigid temperatures.

This morning (Monday) it snowed lightly. There was frost inside the house and my astonished breath was coming out in white puffs. 
With nearly frozen fingers, I managed to dial the number of a local heating and cooling company.

I'm wearing four layers of clothing.

The guy showed up within a few hours (which is surprisingly quick) but he couldn't find my house (no surprise). I had to run outside to the road and flag him down. 

No happy endings here. My furnace needs two parts - one of which is extremely expensive. AND they have to be ordered - which will take weeks.

The guy is going to try to find a less expensive part and said he'll get back to me as soon as possible.
Hopefully he'll "get back" before summer.

Incidentally, a new furnace will cost thousands - which I simply don't have.
I was saving up my meager money to buy other things that I need (like a new clothes dryer) but now I'm wiped out.

My biggest immediate concern is surviving the cold - and I'm mostly worried about my cats (who are presently both sleeping under the bed covers).

It's late afternoon and I'm DREADING nightfall. Last Saturday I drove to town with the intention of buying a space heater. Walmart was all sold out and only had a few crappy, flimsy, Mickey Mouse heaters left. I (reluctantly) bought one. Tried it out last night - and it hardly heats at all. I'd do better with a candle and a pack of matches.

Tonight I think I'm going to move my mattress into a small interior room and sleep there with the cats and the crappy heater.

If I (we) survive it will be a miracle. To be brutally honest, I really don't give a shit whether I survive or not. I'm completely physically and emotionally drained from all of my (many) problems.
I plod on - always trying to keep this blog upbeat - but in reality I'm thoroughly disgusted with everything.

This post is getting long, but I want to mention one more "adventure":

When I went to town on Saturday I bought a lot of food - some of which was still piled up in the kitchen.
Everything looked sloppy, so I decided to QUICKLY clean up this morning before the repairman arrived.

I haphazardly shoved a lot of stuff into the oven: cookies, donuts,. potato chips, loaves of bread, - even a dish towel.

SO -
after the repair guy left, I decided to make an early dinner (before I froze to death). I turned on the oven to pre-heat it.

While I was peeling potatoes I started smelling a GHASTLY burning smell. Couldn't figure out what the hell it was.
The stench kept getting stronger...and stronger...

...and then I remembered the things I had shoved in the oven!!!!!!

I frantically pulled everything out and many items were burned - but some were only scorched. Most of the food is crispy but edible.

Tonight (and the rest of the frigid week) is going to be a living nightmare.

Wish me luck. I'll need it.

WASTED

Here's another sunset photo - just in case my previous post left you yearning for more.

Yesterday (Thursday) was a completely wasted day.

Due to the radically changing and frequently disagreeable weather here in Tennessee, I always have to carefully and strategically plan my trips to town.
If it rains I'll risk getting stuck in the mud. If it's icy, I'll likely slide off a cliff on the narrow and winding mountain road.

Thursday (yesterday) was predicted to be unseasonably warm and abnormally clear - a perfect day for a venture into town.

 I was already flustered at getting a late start and - right before I was ready to leave - my fluster turned to panic when I couldn't find my car keys.
Half an hour later I discovered them in one of my shirt pockets.

Do I have a second set of keys?
Yea. Somewhere. But I have no clue where they are.

Unfortunately, the glowing weather forecast didn't mention that there were going to be hurricane-force winds. 
For a moment I thought I was back in West Texas.

The wind was so strong that - when I got to town and crawled out of the car - I was almost blown directly into Kentucky. It was an abominable day.

To make a long story short (which was never one of my fortes) I got an incredibly bad migraine.
I always get aura migraines, which radically affect my vision.

So -
instead of doing all my grocery shopping like I planned, I only went to the bank, paid a few bills, and briefly stopped in the Dollar Store to get a couple necessary items.

Then I said
I don't give a royal rat's ass about shopping!
and I went home.

What a waste!!!

The temperature is dropping drastically tonight as I write this. It's going to be frigid today (Friday) with ice.

I'm tentatively scheduling my next trip to town sometime in mid-July.

THAW

And suddenly a blinding light burst through the darkness - melting the ice, rousing the birds, distributing a feast of warmth to the desperate and needy.

I emerged from my burrow, shed two of my three layers of clothes, and suddenly remembered that - somewhere beyond winter - is a soothing promise of spring.

If you look carefully at the above photo, on the lower right - below the burst of sun - is a tiny glimpse of the corner of the back porch.
I mentioned this only because I knew it would thrill you.

 
 My cat Scratch (also known as Kitzee) found a rare patch of sunlight and basked in it - rolling around and showing off.

I'm definitely not in a rolling mood. This past frozen week was filled with ill health, annoying anxiety attacks, and bouts of abysmal depression - not necessarily from the cold weather, but from life in general and all the unpleasant complications it rudely presents.

But that's an old story, which I've been regurgitating too often.

How about a glimpse of my back yard - - which is an unattractive jumble of naked trees and scrawny semi-evergreens.

 I'm writing this - not because I have anything interesting to say, but because I felt a need to validate my existence - which at times seems to be slipping away without my knowledge or permission.