Saturday, September 24, 2016


After editing this post several times, I still hate it. It's far too long and not nearly as funny as I initially thought. Against my better judgement, I won't delete it.

I finally finished the children's book that I was writing. After I breathed multiple sighs of relief and satisfaction, I suddenly decided that I want to add a few more things to it. So, my writing continues.....

What's the title of the book, Jon?

I'm not at liberty to reveal that. Besides, I haven't yet come up with a title.

It's no secret that you hate children, Jon. So why write a book for them?

A clarification is in order. I don't exactly hate children. I intensely dislike them.
This is a new and exciting genre for me. It tests my limits and challenges what's left of my mind. Besides, I was surprised to discover that writing for kids is a lot of fun. 
Which just goes to show how desperately boring and unfulfilling my pathetic life has become. 

So, tell us what the book is about?

The book is a delicious collection of scary poems that encompass the mystery, danger, and perils of the night. 


Yea, it's a word. Spellcheck assured me.

Do you think scary poems will be suitable for young readers, Jonathan?

Here's a flash, Kemo Sabe: 
kids don't scare easily nowadays. Gone is the sanitized era of Leave It to Beaver and Mouseketeers. Today's little buckaroos have iPads when they're three, cell phones when they're six, and raw sex when they're ten.

My intention is to instill some good old-fashioned imagination into them. And hopefully scare the jeeters out of the little boogers.

End of imaginary interview.

I'm actually already almost considering a second book. Even more morbid than the first. In truth, I'm still a child at heart - which, in itself is a rather frightening thought.

Anyone who loves kids will probably change their mind after a trip to Walmart. Ear-piercing juvenile screams penetrate every corner of the store, completely ignored by the accompanying parents. Are these parents simply so used to the screams that they've become immuned to them? Or do they sadistically enjoy sharing their misery with others?

Even kids who don't scream have a tendency to be annoying.

Recent Example:
I'm in Walmart, standing in the 20 Item or Less checkout line. The woman ahead of me has at least three hundred items in her shopping cart. I didn't see it at first because her ample ass was blocking the view.

Actually her ass is beyond ample.
Let me put it this way: half a dozen Cub Scouts could easily jump on the back of her ass and hitch a ride home and she'd never know it.

The woman is not only ample. She's also dirty. The sweat shirt she's wearing looks like it hasn't been washed since Peter, Paul, and Mary were singing Blowin' in the Wind.

As she mambos her way through the two-foot-wide aisle, I notice that - -besides the 300 items - - there's a child sitting in the shopping cart.

The grimy, chocolate-covered kid is sucking on a rapidly melting Hershey Bar, while greenish shades of snot dribble from his nose into the chocolate.
And he's staring at me. 

That's one of the unnerving things about kids and cats: when they stare  you never know what the hell they're thinking. 

Most unnerving of all is that the kid doesn't blink. I've been standing in this frickin' line for twenty minutes and the kid has been staring at me totally blinkless all the while.
He's like a Stepford kid or maybe a Children of the Corn offspring.

I'm beginning to feel a little uncomfortable and my emotions get the better of me.
Is there something wrong with the way I look?
Naw. An impossibility.

Does he think I resemble his father? Or grandfather? (heck, he's probably never seen his father).

My thoughts start screaming in my head.
What's the matter, you miniature booger despenser - - Haven't you ever seen an aging faux cowboy before?
And while you're at it, get Mambo Mama to wipe your nose.

Then it hits me: I realize it's probably my cowboy hat. A left-over token from Texas. You don't see many cowboy hats here in the Tennessee boonies.
The kid thinks I'm a cool hombre.

Heartwarming incidents like this always inspire me to write for children.

But why the heck doesn't he ever blink??



  1. holy shit! seeing THAT ASS alone would be a nightmare! reminds me of the website "people of walmart"...

    1. You're right on target - - I "lifted" that photo from a "people of Walmart" site.

  2. Hey, on the bright side, you're a shoo-in for SecEd in the Trump administration!


    1. I'll take it as a compliment. I'm too smart to work for Hillary.

  3. This is why I love your bloggy thingy! "Blowin' In The Wind" lololololol

    1. I love people who appreciate my humor. As incredible as it sounds, few do....

  4. Because the Great Unwashed seem to think retail workers don't mind serving as baby-sitters, disciplinarians and referees ... I've pretty much quit shopping 'in person.' If DH can't go get something, I'll order on-line and call it mental health.

    I'm eager to see your book. Not that I've any little ones near or dear, but the first photo is eerily reminiscent of the German fairy tales my grandmother would buy for me. Seriously scary.

    1. "The Great Unwashed" - - I love that!
      Any kind of shopping completely unnerves me....and the general rudeness and indifference of people astounds me. BUT, in general they seem to be a little better here than in Texas.

      I like everything to do with the macabre, the dark side, the mysterious and uncertain....and I'm trying to incorporate it into my books for the little darlings.

  5. Jon,
    I have no doubt your children's book will be excellent. Aren't the best children's books written by people who dislike children? Like you I don't hate children, some are cute but most are a pain and I would just rather not be around them. What especially annoys me these days is when a co-worker, neighbor, or friend introduces their children to me they just look and never say anything. When I was growing up my Mother always taught me to say "Hello" and "Thank you." Something which is an extreme rarity with today's children, manners. They have done and for that I blame the parents which don't instruct their children basic manners. How many times have I been introduced to children, especially at the hotel and to have them just stare blankly at me? I'm glad my Mother raised me better than that.

    1. You're right, Ron - many of the most well-known children's authors didn't particularly like kids. You're also on target about manners. Manners are definitely a thing of the past. When I was a child, I instinctively knew how to be polite and well-behaved - it was expected of us. There are no rules today for anyone.
      I'm truly glad that we were a part of the past...when things were much more reserved and "normal" (if there is such a thing).

  6. I still enjoy a good children's book. The illustrations accompanying the book are usually what appeals to me at first glance. Is the one at the top yours ? I imagine the kid blinking one eye at a time - like birds do. Good post - funny and never too long.

    1. I often enjoy reading literature written for children - most especially the old classics. Unfortunately that top illustration isn't mine - I "lifted" it from the Internet and don't know who the artist is.

  7. Well, at least I'M brave enough to say I highly despise children. (in spite of the fact I was one - or that may be the reason.) I was never coddled, adored, or acknowledged. I think all children should have the same treatment for we don't make waves, draw attention to ourselves, OR make boogers. This is not allowed or acceptable.

    Walt Disney hated kids and look at the money he made by trying to scare the crap out of them. Kids today can't read or write and consider it silly. My fifteen year old step daughter was on the Honor Society and had NO idea how to spell. But everyone gets a reward so they'll feel special. The word GREAT is now GR8, and always will be. And you'll not scare their parents because they find it hard to read while passed out on crack.

    1. Dana, I agree with every word. When it comes to children and education, it's an entirely different world from when I was young. There are no longer any standards or rules - and the education system is beyond appalling. I personally know MANY college graduates who are complete idiots. I was smarter than them when I was twelve.

      And, like you, NOBODY ever catered to me when I was a child. My father did everything possible to discount my existence, instill terror in me, and DESTROY my self-confidence. And my mother was too busy trying to deal with my father's insanity - she didn't have time to cater to my whims.

      I'm not complaining - - as a child I never craved attention or adoration (perhaps that's why I need it now???....)

  8. Where did you get the picture of my ass? LOL!
    I am baffled by the unhappy children and remote parents, too. You don't seem to hear kids laughing in groups anymore. They fight and scream more than anything. Sad.
    Think of the old nursery rhymes and songs. They were not comforting, by any means. Children could be lost, kidnapped, tricked, eaten...any number of terrible things could befall them if they didn't listen and learn the lesson of the story, you know? You are just very old school--LOL! ;)

    1. Children seem to be much more hyperactive, angry, and unruly nowadays than they were when I was a child. "remote" parenting is a very apt observation.
      Most nursery rhymes and fairy tales were sadistic and morbidly frightening. My poems pale in comparison.

  9. This is a planet of peril, Jon, and children haven't been on it as long as we have. They stare because they are learning, assembling information that will help them survive. I know you are a kind person and will inject some compassion into your work for children. Best of luck in this new project. These little aliens need our help sometimes.

    1. I'm having fun writing these poems, Geo. I think they've helped resurrect my childhood. I feel sorry for the little rugrats who will soon have to deal with this complicated world. Things seemed much more simple when I was a kid - - but, then, simplicity is synonymous with childhood. The complications come later.

  10. I was raised
    to be polite
    there's some youngins'
    in my own family
    that have always
    been rude to me
    for no reason
    are you going to
    illustrate your book?
    I think you'd
    do a great job

    1. I thought about illustrating it myself, but it would take a lot of time. I'll probably use other illustrations instead.

  11. I wish I could un-see that picture. I felt the same way about a Christmas card that Bill Murray sent out a few years ago. I did not get one but say one posted. LOL

  12. I'm not surprised that it was from Bill Murray......


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