Saturday, September 17, 2016
TRUE CONFESSIONS: HAPPINESS
This is the second installment in my True Confessions series - in which I answer questions that readers asked in their recent comments.
....and while I'm doing this I'll keep reminding myself that this is a blog - not a press conference....
I got an interesting question from
Jimmy which he asked after reading my post The Hollywood Pretty Boys and Me
"But, were/and are you happy?"
Well, James - what could possibly make you think I'm not happy?
Actually, I'm positive that Jimmy's question was merely sarcastic and whimsical. But I'll answer it anyway.
First of all:
I hate smiley faces - - and I've always maintained that anyone who exudes perpetual happiness is either a liar or an idiot.
My true nature is dark, brooding, negative, and alarmingly pessimistic. I am a curious combination of Heathcliff, Nietzche, and Arthur Schopenhauer.
And possibly Scrooge.
I would like to blame this solely on my dysfunctional childhood and abusive father......but I think it also has a lot to do with heredity.
I am 100% Hungarian. Gypsy blood flows through my veins, and with it comes all of the dark idiosyncrasies of the Magyars.
I've always maintained that I have a lelek egy cigany - - the soul of a gypsy. I also have what I call an autumnal soul. I'm often depressed - but it's not a true depression. It's much more of a deep sense of melancholy, sentimentalism, nostalgia, and intense romanticism. Perhaps it's a sweet yearning sadness.
I'm fiercely sensitive and highly self-critical.
I also have a sense of impending doom and an unhealthy resistance to success. Deep down inside I've always felt that I'm not worthy of happiness or success - and if I attain it something bad will happen.
After I gave successful piano concerts, I would cringe at the applause.
When my articles and stories appeared in national (and international) publications, I seldom read them and thought my name wasn't worthy of being on the byline.
When people told me that I was handsome, cute, or sexy I would usually counteract the compliment by saying I was ugly.
In retrospect, I was infuriatingly modest. I'm a 6'1" blue-eyed blonde.
Was I supposed to be answering a question about happiness? Somehow I got off track.
Happiness, for me, is a fleeting feeling that comes and goes. The older I get, the less it comes and the more it goes.
Many people maintain that happiness is attitude - it has to come from within.
I say bullshit. Health and wealth are what generates happiness.
Actually, I was happier in my wild and reckless youth than I am now. My life was always a piss, but at least youth provided shreds of optimism.
In all honesty, I was probably most happy during the times that I was in love and in relationships (even though the thought of eternal commitment always scared me).
The perfect relationship - the person I loved most is now dead.
In essence, I am not frequently happy. And when I am happy - - I'm cautiously happy.
Freud would have had a field day with me. Don't take my unhappiness too seriously...
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