This is the second installment in my True Confessions series - in which I answer questions that readers asked in their recent comments.
....and while I'm doing this I'll keep reminding myself that this is a blog - not a press conference....
I got an interesting question from
Jimmy which he asked after reading my post The Hollywood Pretty Boys and Me
"But, were/and are you happy?"
Well, James - what could possibly make you think I'm not happy?
Actually, I'm positive that Jimmy's question was merely sarcastic and whimsical. But I'll answer it anyway.
First of all:
I hate smiley faces - - and I've always maintained that anyone who exudes perpetual happiness is either a liar or an idiot.
My true nature is dark, brooding, negative, and alarmingly pessimistic. I am a curious combination of Heathcliff, Nietzche, and Arthur Schopenhauer.
And possibly Scrooge.
I would like to blame this solely on my dysfunctional childhood and abusive father......but I think it also has a lot to do with heredity.
I am 100% Hungarian. Gypsy blood flows through my veins, and with it comes all of the dark idiosyncrasies of the Magyars.
I've always maintained that I have a lelek egy cigany - - the soul of a gypsy. I also have what I call an autumnal soul. I'm often depressed - but it's not a true depression. It's much more of a deep sense of melancholy, sentimentalism, nostalgia, and intense romanticism. Perhaps it's a sweet yearning sadness.
I'm fiercely sensitive and highly self-critical.
I also have a sense of impending doom and an unhealthy resistance to success. Deep down inside I've always felt that I'm not worthy of happiness or success - and if I attain it something bad will happen.
After I gave successful piano concerts, I would cringe at the applause.
When my articles and stories appeared in national (and international) publications, I seldom read them and thought my name wasn't worthy of being on the byline.
When people told me that I was handsome, cute, or sexy I would usually counteract the compliment by saying I was ugly.
In retrospect, I was infuriatingly modest. I'm a 6'1" blue-eyed blonde.
Was I supposed to be answering a question about happiness? Somehow I got off track.
Happiness, for me, is a fleeting feeling that comes and goes. The older I get, the less it comes and the more it goes.
Many people maintain that happiness is attitude - it has to come from within.
I say bullshit. Health and wealth are what generates happiness.
Actually, I was happier in my wild and reckless youth than I am now. My life was always a piss, but at least youth provided shreds of optimism.
In all honesty, I was probably most happy during the times that I was in love and in relationships (even though the thought of eternal commitment always scared me).
The perfect relationship - the person I loved most is now dead.
In essence, I am not frequently happy. And when I am happy - - I'm cautiously happy.
Note:
Freud would have had a field day with me. Don't take my unhappiness too seriously...
My other blog:
http://cabinetofcurioustreasures.blogspot.com
Jon,
ReplyDeleteInteresting views on happiness. I guess it depends on the person. I've been the happiest when I'm in a relationship. My unhappiest time was when I almost lost everything when we couldn't sell our house in Pennsylvania. That was Despair Time, which I barely hung on. Like you I've also been highly self critical and, for most of my life, felt I was undeserving. Of course that has changed now as I have grown older and acquired wisdom. I now realize that most people are profoundly f - - cked up and we make the best of what life has delt us. I can honestly say at this time of my life has and is the happiest time of my life, in spite of my increasing physical ailments and the impending doom that our politicians are delivering us to.
But as I said before Jon, that new love is coming into your life, soon.
Ron
I think the best thing about growing older, Ron, is the acquired wisdom and maturity that we are blessed with. I absolutely agree that most people are "profoundly f-cked up". I used to think that everybody had it all "together" except me....boy was THAT ever a wrong assumption!
DeleteA new love in my life?? Well, who knows. Perhaps....
First: Did you get my email?
ReplyDeleteSecond: I would like to sit and think before commenting on this post. But I will respond.
((hugs))
Jim - I just sent you an email. Thanks for sharing the video.
DeleteI guess I am an idiot 95% of the time. Even in a crisis I will usually find a way to find something absurd to giggle over and am famous for making people laugh and lightening the mood, shall we say. You would probably hate me. I'd be like chalk screeching on a blackboard to you. Most dark broody folk just pass me off as a nut case, so I take no offense. [Honestly--makes me giggle--even though I am sad for the sad. Life is rough enough, you know--and is going to kick you in the teeth occasionally, regardless, so why not enjoy while you can. See? I would drive you nuts--LOL! But I am a genuine smiler and laugher so I claim all my smily faces and LOLs with gusto. ;)]
ReplyDeleteActually, Rita, there are many times in life when humor is the only thing left to get us through....it's a heckuva lot better than falling apart.
DeleteAh, but you've a gift for provoking (this reader's) self-reflection.
ReplyDeleteI don't suppose which sentences need pointing out, but I swear by some of your descriptions, we're kin.
Weekdays I'm compelled to adopt an outgoing, charismatic personality ... after all these years it's become automatic. And I do adore laughing until my face hurts.
In truth, however, it would be easy to slip into a comforting isolationist cocoon, surrounded by my memories.
Sometimes an "isolationist cocoon" is the safest place to be. If I had a dollar for every fake happy face I had to put on through the years, I'd be rich...
DeleteA very interesting post and some very interesting comments too. I for the most part am happy with myself and life and I try to make other people happy, but its usually with funny snide cracks and jokes. My health makes me happy, buy I don't need wealth to make me happy. Simple things tickle means make me happy. But I can also be a fucking, cold ,calculating and snarky bitch. I know shocking. They don't call me Cruella for nothing. I try to keep it at bay when I can. But sometimes bring mean will makes me happy.
ReplyDeleteMy blog was "down" for several hours yesterday, so I think some people missed this post. Or, they were too speechless to comment.....
ReplyDeleteCRUELLA? YOU?? I find that hard to believe....but we all have our alter egos.
I used to think Aristotle had pretty much nailed what abiding happiness is, but now I just appreciate occasional bouts of it. Fortunately, they are frequent enough to outnumber times of indecision and unhappiness. But then, I expect to be happy oftener when I finish puberty.
ReplyDeleteFor some strange reason, my happiness vanished shortly after puberty. That's when all my problems began.
ReplyDeletethat bluebird of happiness looks mighty pissed off...and I LOVE the grumpy cat at the end!
ReplyDeletewhen I am knitting, reading a book, listening to a baseball game, petting the cats I am at my happiest.
The simple things in life always generate the most happiness.
DeleteThat grumpy cat looks like me.
just the other day
ReplyDeleteI told my John
I hate the word happy
I like Scrooge
I'm a quarter Hungarian
:/ <--- not happy face for you
I guess I'm a lot like Rita. Usually smiling and laughing, and trying to make other people laugh, too. Not that I don't ever have my sad moments, but for the most part, I'm truly happy and at peace with the world.
ReplyDelete