Tuesday, July 16, 2019
ASK AND I'LL ANSWER
More inane questions from Sunday Stealing
The fact that it's not Sunday doesn't bother me in the least.
BTW - none of these questions inspired my usual enthralling sense of humor. Let's blame it on the intense heat and humidity - - which has rendered me and my cat Scratch completely useless (indicated by header photo).
1. Are you satisfied with the way your life is right now?
I've never been completely satisfied with my life. Let's just say that I'm less unsatisfied than I was ten years ago, and more unsatisfied than I was twenty years ago.
Don't ponder that for too long. You'll hurt yourself.
2. Do you drink enough water?
"Enough" water for what? Let's just say that I drink enough water to stay sufficiently hydrated and maintain my devastating complexion.
When I lived in West Texas the water was so bad that it was completely undrinkable. Every week I had to load my pickup truck with gallon jugs and drive to the local water machine, where I paid 25 cents a gallon. Often the water machine was empty, and I had to keep going back - - fervently praying that it would finally yield coveted H2O. The harrowing process shredded my fragile nerves and eventually infused me with a disdain for quarters and an unwholesome hatred for gallon jugs.
Not to mention a disdain for West Texas.
Here in rural Tennessee the water is pure and I gleefully drink straight from the tap.
3. When was the last time you ate at Burger King?
Burger King?? Probably when Laugh-In was on TV and bell bottoms were popular.
4. Do you prefer the beach or the mountains?
When I lived in Southern California and was young, healthy, and easy on the eyes, I loved the beach and vowed that I would stay by the ocean the rest of my life.
Now that I'm considerably older, questionably wiser, and have completely lost my health and looks - - I am perfectly content living in the Tennessee mountains.
5. How do you usually feel when you wake up on a morning?
ON a morning??
Methinks that's grammatically incorrect - but, then, who am I to judge?
When I wake up in the morning I usually feel like I died three weeks ago. My mind is muddled, my legs cease to work, my back is so hopelessly askew that I can't crawl out of bed, and it takes the good part of an hour for me to regain my equilibrium and get my faculties to work.
Does that answer your question?
6. Would you rather take someone on a date, or be taken on a date?
I'm not the "date" type. I don't like to play around with unnecessary preliminaries when it's much easier to cut to the chase and hop into bed.
But if you want to take me out for a nice dinner, I'll go.
Just don't take me to Burger King.
7. When was the last time you wore high heeled shoes?
When I was on a date with Colin Kaepernick.
8. Vodka or wine?
How about vodka and wine with a whiskey chaser?
Actually, I can do without the vodka. I'll take wine.
9. How often do you cry?
I don't tend to keep a record of my tears. I'm a sentimental and sensitive person, but crying isn't exactly on my daily agenda.
Distant memories can render me misty-eyed. So can certain films or music. Especially emotional scenes from operas - - Wotan's Farewell and other sequences from the Ring and Parsifal. And most of Puccini.
10. Ever had a crush on a teacher?
You probably thought I had a crush on my 10th grade gym coach, didn't you?
Believe it or not, I had a HUGE crush on my sophomore year algebra teacher Miss Davis. She was smoking hot and I was secretly in lust with her.
She had natural blonde hair and blue eyes, and a very intriguing figure. Strangely enough, she never wore any makeup and dressed extremely conservatively - almost like a Quaker.
I think her absence of affectation made her even more desirable.
Unfortunately math was my worst subject and algebra was completely beyond my comprehension - - but just gazing at Miss Davis made it all worth while.
11. Can you wire a plug?
I have no idea what a plug is, and I can't wire anything. I did successfully install a thermostat once.
12. Do you wear socks to bed?
Only in the winter when my tootsies are freezing.
13. What is currently bugging you?
All the bugs around here: wasps, gnats, flies, mosquitoes.....
But what really bugs me are those jackass Democrats.
Sorry. I couldn't resist.
You gotta admire me for my brutal honesty.
15. Can you change a car tire?
I changed my first tire when I was seventeen and have been doing it ever since.
16. Have you met more than ten celebrities?
Many, many more than ten. When I lived in Hollywood I met a lot of famous (and semi-famous) people: Cher, John Wayne, Groucho Marx, Ann Miller, Shelley Winters, Liza Minnelli, Ronald Reagan, Joan Rivers, Raquel Welch.....to name a few.
17. Do you sleep naked?
Come on over and we'll find out.
I use to sleep naked frequently. Lately, I have paranoid fears that some unseen disaster will force me to run out of the house in the middle of the night. That's why I now usually sleep in my Fruit of the Looms.
18. What was the best music gig you’ve ever attended?
The best musical gigs were the ones that I participated in when I was a musician in California. Great times!
19. Have you ever had sexual feelings for anyone you follow on line?
No, I'm not that desperate.
Wait a minute - that sounded slightly insulting. It is never my intention to insult (he says with a sly smirk).
I have the right to retain some secrets.
20. Who is someone who has changed your life positively.
I have a huge list of people who have negatively affected my life.
21. Favourite city?
My favorite city used to be Los Angeles - - until the liberals thoroughly destroyed it.
Don't get miffed. I lived there for thirty years and know what I'm talking about. L.A. has changed so drastically that I'd never go back. A great tragedy.
22. Can you drive?
I'm assuming you're talking about a vehicle. Yes. I can drive.
23.Cigarettes or alcohol?
Alcohol, definitely. When I was young I smoked, but I did it solely for effect. I thought it made me look tough.
I seldom inhaled. Honest.
24. Favourite and least favourite accents?
Isn't that a racist question?
I'm being annoyingly sarcastic, in case you didn't notice.
A Hungarian gypsy accent is sexy. A Brooklyn honk is annoying.
25. Did you play Red Rover when you were a child?
Red Rover?? I never heard of it. When I was a kid I played Blackjack. And strip poker.
26. Do you like 1980s fashion?
Fashion died somewhere in the mid 1960's and never returned. Unfortunately.