RECAP AND UPDATE

You have been considerate and kind concerning my "health" problems, and I really appreciate that. I feel boring and helpless. I use this blog as a catharsis - - shamelessly releasing my emotions and eventually regretting it.

So - -

I'll recap the past few days.

When I was released from Livingston Hospital last Saturday at around noon, I felt fairly good - - plied with medications. When I got home I was able to walk and fix dinner.

The good times didn't last. By Sunday morning the excruciating, unrelenting pain in my hip, back, and leg returned with a vengence.

I couldn't walk at all, couldn't even move my right leg. Completely helpless, I just collapsed in the wheel chair in the living room. That was my homestead for the next three days.

Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday I lived in the wheelchair in the living room. The pain was so intense that I absolutely couldn't move. I had no food or water for three days. Fortunately there was a case of Pepsi near the front door which I had ordered from Walmart. I'm not exactly crazy about Pepsi, but it was cheap.

I managed to reach over and pry open the box. I existed solely on Pepsi for three days.

So - -

I'm trapped in the living room in a wheelchair. What? No bathroom?? Have you ever tried to pee in an empty Pepsi can? Don't. I have a pretty good aim. Most of the time.

What did I do for entertainment? I had my two cell phones with me (a new one and an old one). I was able to write blog posts and watch videos on YouTube.

I also had an important prescription to fill. Walmart pharmacy is IMPOSSIBLE to deal with online. I kept getting messages that they couldn't confirm my identity.

I've had a Walmart account for over twenty years. If they don't know my identity now, they never will.

Why don't they come over and watch me pee in a Pepsi can?

So - -

On Monday morning I called the Home Care office and had one of the nurses come over an get my prescription.

Another nurse would pick the prescription up on Tuesday and bring it to me.

That's one helluva long time to wait when you're in agonizing pain.

There was torrential rain on Tuesday afternoon. Ironically, Walmart delivered a kitchen cabinet that I ordered last week.

Finally the nurse came with my prescription. She also offered food but I politely declined. I don't want to be a pain in the ass.

So - -

It's now late Tuesday night....or early Wed. morning. Still in wheelchair, still in livingroom.

The new meds might be starting to help. I'm still in pain......but I managed to get my wheelchair into the hallway, by the kitchen and dining area.

I have presently been changing everything around in the kitchen. My (new) refrigerator isn't in the kitchen. I put it in the dining area near the hall.

So - -

I pulled the wheelchair up to the hall doorway. With a great effort I was able to reach the fridge and open the door! Somehow I managed to reach a few readily edible things - - ham, cheese, and an apple. Not exactly a meal, but better than three days of Pepsi.

I'm rambling too much. Better speed it up.

So - -

On late Tuesday afternoon I took my first dose of prednisone.

It's now Wednesday morning. According to the Internet, prednisone has about 500 side effects (very slight exaggeration). I haven't had any. So far.

The extremely intense nerve pain has somewhat subsided - - but my hip still hurts like hell. Can't lift my right leg or put any pressure on it while trying to stand. I'm still not able to walk.....but I made a heroic effort to get into bed. It failed. Too much pain and a fear that I'll never be able to crawl out again.

So, for right now, I'm back in the wheelchair. In the living room.

My phone battery is nearly dead. It's time to recharge.

Much luv, Jon

I didn't edit this. Hope it's ok.

A TIMID SMUDGE OF DAWN

I'm in a wheelchair in the living room where I spent the night. Sunday night. One of the most uncomfortable, miserable nights I can remember. And, believe me, I've had plenty.

This is the deep, dark void that lingers just before dawn  - hesitant to leave. Far beyond the murky abyss the old Tennessee hills have assumed a slight rosy glow right at their peak. A timid smudge of light that promises an awakening.

Dawn is arriving, ready to bathe the earth in glaring light, exposing all the brutal raw realities that are suppressed in the fantasy of our dreams.

I'm dreading dawn, which forces us to rudely face all the complications and complexities that immerse us and devour our existence.

That's how I feel. An unwholesome surge of unrelenting pessimism.

Physically I'm in more agonizing pain than I could ever describe. The deceptive meds wear off, leaving untold echoes of screams.

I'm welded to the wheelchair. Unable to stand up from unbearable pain. Unable to reach for things with my arms. Unable to move my legs. The surging pain in my hip leg knees joints back......ass.

The pain has rendered me completely disabled. I can't stand....absolutely cannot walk. I tried to shuffle a few inches last night and almost cried in agony.

I can't get water or food. Can't turn lights on or get a blanket. I managed to recharge my two cell phones. I sure as hell will need them.

After my cursed illness in 2023, I managed to navigate remarkably well with a walker. All I needed it for was balance. I could cook, clean, wash, manuever everywhere.

Never thought this would happen. Degenerative disk disease. Severe sciatica. Scoliosis due to spinal injuries.

But the intense pain........ Tylenol doesn't do a damn good. I'd have to consume the whole bottle. If I could get the fricking child-proof cap off.

So, early Monday I called the Home Care office to see if anyone could take my prescription to the pharmacy. One of the nurses came here and got the prescription. Another nurse will bring the meds to me tomorrow. Tuesday.

Another night of pure agony in the wheelchair in the livingroom awaits me.

If I make it. If I survive.

And the gawd almighty truth is that I don't give a flying fig whether I survive or not. I'm done. Finished. Stick a fork in me.

I'm tired of feigning optimism, hoping that birdies, unicorns, and rainbows are smiling on the horizon.

At this moment, I dread the light of dawn.

I realize that we all have our own problems, our private crosses to bear. I'm nothing special. Just someone bitching on a blog.....

Jon, frustrated beyond belief.

PAINFUL DETOUR

 

I seem to be climbing a mountain every day. If I ever reached the summit, I'd undoubtedly fall off. Bad luck seems to follow me like a shadow.

An aside:

My birthday falls on Friday the 13th this year. December.

My annoying blogging habit (one of many) is that I take too much time getting to the point.

On Friday morning (the 15th) I got up very early, before dawn. I felt fairly decent - which is just about the best I can get. Made coffee and breakfast.

Afterwards I decided to go back to bed for an hour or two. I really wanted to repaint the kitchen floor. I ordered a new cabinet that will be delivered on Monday.

Deciding between the two exciting options, I went to bed.

About an hour later I woke up with an extreme backache. And leg ache. When I pried myself out of bed, the pain was unbelievably bad. I hardly made it to the kitchen. I took a couple of Tylenols. That was unusual. I don't like taking any pills/meds.

In the summer of 2023 I had two major surgeries in Cookeville and refused any medications for pain.

Went back to bed. I awoke soon with pain that was alarming. Stumbled back to the kitchen. Got into my wheelchair. Sat there for half an agonizing hour. Carefully got up again.

I felt incredibly weird, besides agonizing pain. Suddenly my right hip was frozen. And my right leg was completely paralyzed. No exaggeration. I couldn't move an inch. I grabbed my pants leg and tried to pull myself forward. It was impossible.

I really panicked. I'm all alone, in the middle of wilderness. It was late Friday afternoon. The home care nurses office is closed for the weekend. I never experienced paralysis before.

I'm in the kitchen. My two cell phones were in the bedroom. I stumbled and knocked a table over with the landline phone. Tried for twenty agonizing minutes before I could retrieve the landline phone.

Loooong story short. I decided to stay in the wheelchair by the kitchen table all night. I couldn't walk one step. Couldn't do anything. I wanted to call 911 but kept procrastinating. Ambulances, doctors, hospitals. Again.

Hell no!!!!

I'd be damned to go through it again. I'd rather perish at home.

The night hours were agonizingly long. I took more Tylenol (there was a water bottle on the table).

About an hour before dawn, I did the impossible. I stood up, grabbed the walker with my right hand and the wheelchair with my left. I only walked with my left leg  - - dragging my right leg along.

This was an insane feat but I went inch by inch. I'll be damned that I was going to do it. Pure anger gave me strength.

I hung onto the walker to get the cell phones in the bedroom. Then I dragged the walker, the wheelchair, the cell phones, and my right leg to the living room.

FINALLY I called 911.

I had no choice. Took the ambulance about 45 minutes to get here. The attendant and driver had to carry me down the front steps. Humiliation.

Onward to Livingston Hospital 20 miles away on narrow winding mountain roads. I could see the sunrise in the back window. My pain was beyond intense. I finally shuddered and thought I would pass out.

Once in the hospital my memory is blurred from the intense pain. I had to get xrays and a cat scan.

This caused more excruciating agony than I could endure. The attendants were rough trying to get me in the right positions for the xrays and scan. I kept yelling out from the PAIN.

Finally I was brought into another room and plied with intravenous injections. MethylPrednisol, Orphenadrine, Ketorolac. Made me feel very weird and disoriented. But some days I feel that way without medications.

I was in that room for five or six hours. I was freezing. Coldest damn hospital I was ever in. They could hold a polar bear convention in there.

One of the doctors frightened me with the test results. Degenerative disk disease. Severe scaiatica. Scoliosis from severe spinal injuries.

I guess I already knew that. I had several spinal injuries due to accidents and nasty falls during my life. I ignored most of them, due to no medical insurance. I was very used to ignoring serious situations. And now it's catching up with me.

I knew my spinal problems were increasing due to being in hospital beds for six months last year because of cancer and heart problems.

I know now that my major health problems are solely caused because of my spinal issues. That's what's causing my mysterious fevers (had one last week) and...other problems.

Well, I was released (thank God) just around noon. Taken home in another ambulance. I was very apprehensive about what might happen next. But I was able to walk again with very little pain. And I was able to make dinner and enjoy the rest of the day.

I now have a prescription for prednisone. Some kind of steroid thingie (my medical term).

I just realized that this was the day I was released from physical rehab last November. Thanksgiving is next week. I am truly - very truly - greatful for still being around.

I'm sorry for this long rambling post, but I wanted to get things out of my system.

BTW

I made the "Climb Every Mountain" video late last night. I literally threw it together in fifteen minutes. It's my piano arrangement, recorded when I was eighteen. (Video volume is weird on my computer. Turn volume up, or watch it on YouTube).

We all have mountains to climb. Thanks for reading this.

Luv, Jon.