Me and my heavy equipment
Translation:
I'm semi-drunk and ready to ramble shamelessly and aimlessly in my blog.
I had a talk with myself yesterday, the gist of which was this:
Jonathan, if you mention anything about Shostakovich or videos, you're gonna scare your blog readers into the realms of constipation.
Against my better judgement, I scared my readers crapless. I pimped my new video.
Golden Rule: never blog about anything that you have to Google beforehand to find out how to spell. My Shostakovich video took a nosedive like Manfred von Richthofen.
Richthofen deserves a Google.
After devoting untold years and intense research trying to discover how the hell to hold the interest of my blog readers, I've come up with one solution: Announce that you're gay (even if you're not).
Gay blogs are always the most popular. People absolutely love gay men. As long as it's not your son or your husband of course.
Why?
Gay men are handsome, witty, charming, intelligent, colorful, intriguing, dramatic, funny (funny HaHa, not funny Strange), and non-threatening. Did I mention artistic?
None of these traits describes myself, of course - it was merely a generalization.
Don't try to look for irony. It'll be too much of a strain.
I have big plans for my next video. I'm gonna do a medley of show tunes in drag.
As a grand finale, I'll do my Judy Garland impression, while singing You Made Me Love You to a photograph of Anderson Cooper.
I'll wait for a moment while you absorb that and laugh.
Heavy equipment?
No, I'm not trying to describe my private physical attributes. I'm describing what I'll need to eradicate the 25 foot mega-monster weeds that have taken up residence on my property.
This is the very back part of the property.
The front isn't as bad. I don't give a crap about mowing, now that it's nearly October
Good news:
After weeks of endless strain and struggles, I finally fixed my ailing lawn mower. When it actually started this morning, I almost keeled over from the shock.
Bad News:
The wild weeds and grass on my vast, unlevel mountain property are so high and obstinate, that no lawn mower this side of hell could ever possibly dare to confront it. My mower kept screaming and stalling in protest. I finally had to give up.
I need a tractor. Or a Sherman Tank. Or an exorcist. Hell, the Pope is performing miracles in New York. Why can't he pop over here and splash some holy water on my property?
Is there a satisfactory resolution to this blog post?
Naw. I'll just gently encourage you not to be afraid of my Shostakovich Autumn video. Here's the link:
Autumn
And go outside tonight to gaze at the full Harvest Moon. Rumor hazzit there will be a total eclipse.
A post script:
It was cloudy ALL night here in Tennessee so I didn't get to see the damn eclipse!!
"I'll do my Judy Garland impression, while singing You Made Me Love You to a photograph of Anderson Cooper." - I LOVE IT! I would pay good money to see that!
ReplyDeleteAll I need are a few more beers to encourage me. It should go viral on YouTube.
DeleteWhat Anne Marie jus' said. :)
ReplyDeleteFunny fellow!
...Those weeds, not so much.
Only one problem:
DeleteJudy was 4'11".
I'm 6'1"..............
You're too much Jon.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I annoy myself.
DeleteWait a minute, I'm charming, intelligent and strange. Nah, I would've figured it out by now. Great post, Jon, and hopefully tractors with mowing implements can be rented in your area. In my last 5 years before retiring from gardening, I used a SCAG Tiger Cat zero-turn riding mower --hydraulic drive, easy to handle and, with 24 hp, cut thru some tall brush. That might be a less expensive rental than a tractor. But be careful, I usually tried to mow from the top of slopes downward.
ReplyDeleteGeo, you've given us tangible proof that not ALL charming, intelligent, artistic men are gay. A riding mower is a very tempting alternative to a herd of mountain goats. My only apprehension is that I'll topple over while riding it and never be seen again.
DeleteYou need a 'field and brush' mover to deal with those weeds the way they are now. I would loan you mine but you are a little too far away for that to be practical. Here is what mine looks like:
ReplyDeletehttps://www.dropbox.com/s/f2ywy3gkrx9d2wm/DR%20Mower.JPG?dl=0
Perhaps you can rent one somewhere nearby or hire someone with one like it to do the job for you.
That is definitely what I'd need and I'll keep it in mind. Thanks for sharing the photo.
DeleteJust so as you know, I wrote a lengthy comment on your previous post re music by Sh.... you-know-who, but my computer absolutely refused point blank to send it. Whether it'll allow me this one, can but try. Here goes.......
ReplyDeleteRay, I'm so sorry that your previous comment didn't go through. I was fully confident that you wouldn't be intimidated by the "S" word.
DeleteOn the contrary, Jon. I'm a great fan of our Dmitri.
DeleteYou will need a bush hog mower for that lawn.......we keep the lawn around the house mowed, but once a year we have someone that comes in and "bush hogs" the acreage.....
ReplyDeleteDefinitely something to consider for next season!
DeleteIs calling oneself "gay" dependent on desire or activity?
ReplyDeleteI've never had the desire to be labeled, but I crave the activity....
DeleteMaybe you can hire a local farm hand to wack down your brush. The interviews to find just the right farm hand could take months and provide vivid blog fodder.
ReplyDeleteFinding a farm hand to do some wacking sounds intriguing.........
DeleteI won't elaborate, because I have a dirty mind.
We just got home from Tennessee last night, and we also had no luck getting a good view of the eclipse. Only an occasional glimpse of it through the clouds. Ah well, guess we'll all have to wait another eighteen years to get another chance to see it. Also, for the first time of all the times we've visited our friends in Tennessee, we heard the coyotes howling one night. Very cool, and a little eerie.
ReplyDeleteI think your life will be a lot easier if you get a tractor. Shouldn't be too hard to find a good used one in your area.
I was extremely disappointed at having to miss the eclipse. I hated Texas, but at least the nights were always clear there. I've finally gotten used to hearing the coyotes at night and I actually enjoy it.
DeleteA scythe. But save it till Halloween....
ReplyDeleteGreat idea.
Delete