ONE YEAR AGO

 

It's been one year ago, June 1st, when I began the longest journey of my life. The story is so bizarre, muddled, and frightening that I'm hesitant to attempt putting it into words. (brevity seems the best route, but it was never my forte).

I had a tumor dangerously near a main artery, which caused profuse bleeding every day. I often hemorrhaged, which eventually caused my heart to fail. There were severe frequent incidents where I had crushing pain and burning in my chest, arms, and jaw. I knew it was  heart attacks from loss of blood.

By June the 1st I was too weak to walk across a room. I was having dizzy spells and strange illusions. I had collapsed into bed and couldn't get up. Without a word of exaggeration, I knew I was dying. I summoned the pitiful  strength I had left and staggered out to the front porch. I managed to call 911 on my cell phone....

.....then I passed out on the porch. My cat Bosco stayed with me until the ambulance came.

They took me to the nearest hospital, which was in Livingston. By then I was gasping for breath in and out of consciousness. Livingston is a small facility and they couldn't do much. I was quickly transferred to  ICU at the Cookeville Medical Center.

The next few days were a complete blur. I had lost so much blood that the doctors were astonished. The tumor was malignant and inoperable because of the artery.

Thus began my extraordinary journey. Over two and a half months in Cookeville Medical Center - - where I had cauterization, colon surgery, and seven weeks of chemo and radiation. Then over three months of physical rehab in Jamestown.

When I started physical therapy I had lost forty lbs. and was too weak to get out of bed.

Today, a year later, I'm partially wheelchair-bound but can walk easily with the aid of a walker. And I gained over forty lbs. My latest CT scan was good.....but I have congestive heart failure and edema.

It's been one heckuva grueling journey.

To say that I have mixed emotions would be an understatement. I was initially told that I would die.

I'm still around a year later, physically and mentally ravaged but greatful for many things.

This ordeal taught me how to have patience and maintain a semblance of dignity through difficult times. I learned to have compassion and tolerance for others. There are countless people going through far worse things than I did.

Most of all, I discovered that there are many kind and generous people who genuinely care and are willing to help. For that I am eternally greatful.

I learned to have humility and abandon my selfishness.

I'm thankful every day for the blessings and mercy bestowed upon me by our Divine Creator.

Wait a minute - - I don't want to get too sappy and sentimental.

Despite the blessings, I am very often frustrated and deeply depressed. I'm no longer the person that I once was. Physically I'm often helpless and annoyingly weak. Mentally, my mind is a non-stop rollercoaster. My mood changes are alarmingly erratic.

In retrospect, I have always been an enigma, a complex entity, a mass of condradictions. These intriguing parts of my nature can't be changed.

I'm not special, nor am I intrinsically strong. I don't consider my ordeal as  inspirational. I'm merely a flawed mortal, hanging onto the fragile thread of life - - doing the best that I can.

Jon