Friday, April 15, 2016

BLOSSOMS AND BROADCASTS




Persistent frosts shocked the blossoms, made them reconsider their early appearance, and finally eradicated them forever. All the pink and purple blossoms shriveled and died.

A few brave white blossoms (nothing racist here) battled the harsh elements and survived. I ventured outside today and did some photographic documentation - just to confirm the fact that spring exists.

White blossoms, plenty of weeds, and a surplus of dandelions or - as Bert Lahr would say - Dandy Lions!



And warmer temperatures! It hit 70 degrees today (that's Fahrenheit, for those of you in Outer Mongolia).

Me? I'm hanging on by a thin thread. The shrieks you heard this morning were my own - - as I tried to pry myself out of bed with agonizing back pain. Ruptured disk, sciatica, fractured spine. Whatever. I shrieked and stumbled. And crawled. While the cats watched in dismay. And probable amusement.

I know - never begin a sentence with a conjunction. Hey, give me some slack - - I'm on a roll. And I'm still able to maintain a semblance of humor despite the pain. That's talent.
Or insanity.



Broadcasts?
Have you ever tried to listen to the radio in rural Tennessee? I no longer have TV (thank Gawd), so radio is my only link to the outside world.

Here in the mountains I get....
static.......and more static......
sandwiched between Gospel hymns.....and Hillbilly music.
Bible thumping and clog dancing. That's it.

Before ruffling your feathers, let me say (in innocent defense) that I have nothing against religion. I'm all for it. I just think that perhaps 150 gospel stations in a row with no alternatives is a bit too much 
Praise the Lord!

But, there is salvation for my corrupt soul. I only live about five miles from Kentucky and I've discovered a classical music station from the University of Kentucky. Rarer than hen's teeth. Late at night it comes in clear.
What could be better than spending the night in bed with Shostakovich?

Don't answer that.

Before I depart (not literally), here's another radio thing that irks me:

In a peculiar attempt to brighten the mornings, one local radio station spends about an hour reading the obituaries. I kid you not.
Hell, there must be more deaths here than in the Golan Heights.

Not only are the obituaries read - all of the surviving relatives are listed. And I mean all.

Granny Gerty Mae is survived by her first husband Walter Lee Clumpant, her third husband Buster Breeton Mae

her fifteen children - - Edna Doisey Mae, Lucy Doozey Mae, Jenny Deen Mae, Bobbie Bart Mae, Billy Bob Mae, Horatio Leighorn Mae, Fanny Lyn Kneewart, Buster Bubba Mae, Molly Doolittle Dunlap, Minnie Sue Matterson, Ernie Clyde Mae, Jimmy John Mae, Frieda June Humpmyer, and Homer Smith Clumpant,

and fifty-seven grandchildren

thirty-two great-grandchildren

and fourteen great-great-grandchildren

and four hundred and ninety-six assorted siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, and unaccounted distant relatives.

Donations for the funeral can be sent to the Praise Our Lord for Moonshine Baptist Church.

Aren't you glad you read my blog? You couldn't find this kind of entertainment elsewhere.

While you're at it, check out my other blog:

Cabinet of Curious Treasures

 

 

36 comments:

  1. oh cripes, hillbilly radio! sorry to hear you are in so much pain. :(

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    1. I honestly don't know what's more painful - - hillbilly radio or a bad back

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  2. Jon, I commiserate with your pain and admire your determined humor --made me laugh out loud (which few writers can do) and think of my Southern relatives. It's as hard to find cousins whose 1st names don't end in a 'y' as it is to find a weekday that doesn't. Thanks for this. I needed it.

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    1. Glad to know I made you laugh out loud, Geo. I was initially going to write a serious (and potentially dull) post about my relatives. Then I just decided to wing it without much consideration. My humor always seems to surface when I'm not purposefully trying to be funny. Odd but true.

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  3. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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    1. I appreciate the compliment (I'll take all I can get). Many of my blog posts are admittedly crappy. I seem to write my best ones when I'm not purposefully trying. I'm also not always humorous. Sometimes I'm depressingly maudlin. But humor is always the best medicine.

      I was raised in Southern California and lived there for thirty years. After being in L.A., every other place looks crappy. My Hollywood years were wild and I was on a serious destructive course. I needed a change of pace while I was still alive. I first moved to the Missouri Ozarks - which was a helluva shock.

      Next I moved to West Texas, solely to be near my retired parents. Texas was the worst mistake of my life (and theirs). I would rank TX as the worst place on earth. My father died in 2005. My Mom was in poor health. I took care of her for nearly five years before she passed away in December 2009. Then it took the dumb-ass TX realtors over four years to sell my house!!

      I mainly chose Tennessee for two reasons: I have relatives here (in Texas I had absolutely no one). And I wanted a peaceful rural life away from everything. After all the shit I went through in Texas (with rotten neighbors, etc.) I craved privacy and peace.
      Also I wanted an inexpensive place to live. I lost a LOT of money in Texas (I won't go into the ugly details) and couldn't afford to live in an expensive area.

      At least for the moment I'm content.
      Hope this makes some sense. I'm rambling.

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  4. I deleted my first comment because I realized that none of what I ask was any of my business. I apologize if you read it. I'll leave quietly now.......

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    1. I just wrote a reply to your first comment. I wasn't offended at all.

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    2. I could list faults with where I live, I suppose most people can, but it is where I have drawn a line in the sand and I will end my adventure here. I am to tired to search for the promised land.

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  5. I used to love the dandelions! Have you heard the saying, "Some look at them see weeds ... I see wishes."

    So sorry your back is acting out again. I don't suppose you've any chiropractors or (real) massage therapists in the vicinity?

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    1. I just wrote you a reply and it vanished!!! Let me try again.

      I've never heard that saying before, but I like it. When I was a kid I remember making a "wish" with a dandelion. I accidentally inhaled instead of exhaling and I almost choked. True story.

      I'd have to go 100 miles to find a chiropractor. It's easier to die from the pain.

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    2. Oh c***. I just noticed the word "and" missing from my dandy-lion quote. Thank you for being so sweet not to point that out.

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    3. I assumed that an "and" should be in there - and my assumptions are usually right.

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  6. We used to have a radio station here and they read the obits every morning. I miss it because if someone I know dies I have no way to know until the one news paper comes out on Wednesday. I don't need to know who all they were married to and kin to but I don't remember them going that far.

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    1. You're right about that. This is a small community and it's a lot different than living in a big city. I'm sure a lot of these folks get their news from the radio. The local newspaper is only printed once a week.

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  7. Granny Gerty Mae obit = too funny :D

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    1. I can hardly believe that I made all those names up in just a few minutes.

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    2. "made up" half of those people are my relatives! ha ha ha ha

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  8. Did you say something about a church for devotees of MOONSHINE? Hallelujah.

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    1. I'm going to start my own congregation and I think I'll have an impressive number of followers.

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  9. Sorry your back is out and most of the early blossoms are gone. But the most distressing thing to hear is the limited radio. :(

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    1. I'm really glad that I saw the beautiful blossoms last year, because this year all the frosts completely destroyed them. As for my back, it's been killing me ever since I fell on the ice last winter. I know I should have gotten Xrays, but I suppose I'm a masochist.....

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  10. Good afternoon Jon,

    Sorry to hear that your back is out and for the pain you have to endure.

    I had to let you know Jon, I laughed out loud and so hard...I don't really think you know how funny you are...and I for one really do enjoy it. Just what I need to start off my afternoon!!

    I do want to thank you for the lovely photos of the beautiful flowers that show that Spring is really around. I miss the Spring that we had when I lived on Long Island, New York. Living in my part of Texas, Spring flowers are not in abundance. Yeah we do in some parts gets the fields of Blue Bonnets and such that Lady Johnson seeded years ago...but I get mostly blooming weeds! Pine trees in abundance do not offer flowers.

    I was in the South of Texas near Mc Allen last week (called "The Valley"). This is the land of the Snow Birds, most of whom are on there way back North. I have to tell you that the abundance of flowers blew me away. All kinds, some that I've never seen before. I can't wait till I get moved down there....all of the fruit orchids, veggie fields, and beautiful Palm Trees!!

    God Jon, I don't know what I would do if I didn't have TV....I do like my music...but I don't know how long I would be around without TV....

    Take care and I hope you feel better....Keep up the great job on the Blogs.

    Carpe Diem,
    Roy In Texas

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    1. Roy, I'm always delighted when my humor is appreciated. Believe it or not, some people don't always "get" it and others take offense. I write exactly like I think, and it just seems to come out funny. My Mom had a great sense of humor, and - believe me - she needed living with my father.

      Texas is so BIG and there are many lovely areas. I simply bash the state because I lived in ugly West TX and had so many problems there. I also lived in San Angelo for a few years. It was extremely hot there, and yet there was a surprising amount of really nice trees and even flowers. This is undoubtedly because it's situated near a river. I've never been near Mc Allen. Do you really plan to move there?

      It's always great to hear from you. Take care and keep in touch.

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    2. Sorry for any typos. When I type quickly this keyboard often skips letters.

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  11. Well, thanks for this glimpse into the reality of living in TN. I have often wondered! :) I have to say that the spring skies and flowers do look amazing, though. Praise the lord!

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    1. It is a lovely spring, now that the weather has finally warmed up - but unfortunately most of the blossoms perished. The people here in TN are very nice and polite - - they just praise the Lord too much (*smile*).

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  12. Obituaries on the radio??? What in hell kind of morbid station reads those?!? I do have tv, but watch alot of Brit comedies and dramas and old classic movies onTCM. I have my radio on quite a bit too. Your blooms are stunning! Spring is here at last thank goodness. Sorry to hear about your back. Please do take care tootes. I myself had a terrible hung over today. Like Tallulah Bankhead proportions

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    1. You'd better lay off those gin and tonics....for a few hours (*smile*).

      It's extremely depressing to turn the radio on in the morning and hear endless obituaries. It gives new dimensions to the term "morbidity".
      I've always loved TCM - - and Doc Martin.

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    2. I absolutely love Doc Martin! I watch that every Tuesday along with a aussie show Miss Fishers Murder Mysteries. I also am into Call the Midwife right now. If not for BBC shows. and a very few US shows, my radio would be on more.

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  13. Online music. internet radio? I can imagine the local radio station reading the obituaries each morning, I have lived in places like that. UK is one of the few civilized things in KY (my hubby is a professor at UK :)

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  14. I do sometimes listen to radio/news on the Internet. And as for local stations, the UK seems to be my only oasis in a vast sea of nothingness.

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  15. I have an Amazon Echo. I tell it to "tunein" any radio station in the country and, presto... there it is. Of course I couldn't listen if I didn't have an Internet connection. But since I do, I'm not tied to any local stations.

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    1. Thanks, Donna - that's one that I've never heard of, but I'm usually the last to know....

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  16. Stunning photography! I stopped watching TV almost ten years ago. Regarding music (which I listen to rather too much) I rely on YouTube: In fact, that's how I first heard you play classical piano :-)

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    1. I never realized what a waste of time TV is until I stopped watching it (mainly because I can't afford it). I rely on YouTube for a lot of my music, too. It offers a wide variety of musical treasures.

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