Thursday, May 12, 2016


That's a helluva good title for a song but I don't feel much like singing. I'm just sitting here on a wet afternoon, listening to the annoyingly ceaseless rain and drinking beer. 

I'm gonna shoot some random thoughts out like bullets, but there's no need to dodge. I'm not aiming to kill.

I hardly ever drink here in the back woods of TN because booze is so damn difficult to get. Praise the Lord. In Texas I was drunk most of the time. But of course, living in dusty, windy, crude West Texas would have driven Carrie Nation to drink.

If you hate rural places, Jon, why do you choose to live in them?

Mostly to get away from irritatingly annoying, utterly humorless SOBs like you. I love rural places. I'm free to be myself.  

I'm just weary of the rain. And the fast-growing, ever expanding weeds (now 15 feet high). And the bugs.

Went out on the back porch ten minutes ago and there was a HUGE black spider on the door, right by the doorknob. I almost touched it. Scared me so shitless that I screamed like Fay Wray.

Black, fat, with white dots.
I Googled it and came up with tepid descriptions of a "jumping spider". 

This was no jumping spider. It was too huge and fat to jump. It looked like Gabourey Sidibe with white polkadots.

(I put that in to annoy those wimps with racial sensitivity)

Bees and wasps? I've got them by the hundreds. But there's good news.

Last year I was inundated by annoying carpenter bees that bore over forty holes in my back porch. I filled the holes and sealed them. Then I painted the porch. This year the carpenter influx is down by 85% at least. The paint deters them.

Maybe I should paint my blogs.
(don't read too much into that - I'm being creatively sarcastic)

So what else is new, Jon?

Went to a Chinese restaurant with my cousin Nancy a week or so ago. Chinese? In backwoods Tennessee?? Yup. And the food was remarkably good.
This is what was in my fortune cookie:
"Instead of worrying and agonizing, move ahead constructively."

Right on target. Must have been written specifically for me.  

I should really "move ahead constructively" by doing some spring cleaning. I have a heckuva lot to do. If only I could summon the energy. I feel less than lethargic.

Did you ever hastily put something away and were never able to find it again? I bought two wall calendars last December, put them away, and have absolutely no clue where they are. I've been searching for five months.

That's about it for now. And it wasn't too painful, was it?

I didn't talk about my past 
even though it's damn interesting,
I didn't post any poetry
even though it's damn good,
I didn't subject you to my sentimental videos 
which are admirably well-made,
I didn't mention anything gay 
but I secretly sprinkled you with fairy dust,

and I didn't aim to kill.
You're lucky this time.   

Kisses, Jon

I just lost another offended follower on this blog. That makes three in one week. 
I should have sprinkled more fairy dust. 

 this is what I'm gonna
look like in a few years 

check out my other offensive blog: 


  1. that IS a good song title. we finally saw this yellow thing in the sky today; I think it's called the sun. wonder what the pearl-clutchers will find wrong today?

  2. Send some of that sunshine to TN - please!!
    I derive sadistic pleasure in irritating easily-offended people. It's one of my hobbies.

  3. When I can't find something I put away, I just ask myself, "If I had another one to put away, where would I put it?" I usually find the lost one. You used some kind of logic the first time.

    1. Logic is not in my vocabulary. I usually make a mental note when I put something away, but this time I didn't. I'll undoubtedly find them next year.

  4. Glad Nancy got you out of them hills for a while.

    1. It's always good to get out - and I was surprised to find some decent Chinese food here in the boonies.

  5. You are funny I say! Sounds like your fed up of the rain? Now the fortune cookie. Are you aware of the game? We at the casa du Borghese always crack the cookie, read the fortune and add in bed, to the end of it. For example, last week I had Chinese, my said, practice makes perfect, in bed!!!

    1. Anyone who recognizes my humor and appreciates it has my eternal devotion.

      I'll have to remember the "in bed" game. It certainly gives new intriguing dimensions to the bland fortune cookie.

    2. When we do it, it gives some real good ones. Not to mention some good hearty laughs.

  6. I don't know what genre you want to call this ... but I call it entertaining!
    Sorry about the excessive rainfall. I loathe that sort of weather, myself.

    1. My rants and ramblings are never easily categorized, but "entertaining" sounds fine to me.
      I don't mind occasional rain, but rain every day is definitely annoying. Not to mention wet.

  7. Watching the rain fall can be reflective. Hope you were. I'm always losing things too. Usually find them long after their use is needed. Loved what your fortune cookie said. Last one I had said I was going to be THRILLED by something very soon. I'm still waiting. Just so you know, lethargy is contagious.

    1. I have been completely disorganized ever since I moved here. I usually make a vivid mental note of where I put things, but lately I've just been tossing things everywhere.

      I can't remember the last time I was ever pleasantly thrilled. I have been horrifyingly thrilled on more occasions than I care to remember.

  8. Everything's covered except the percussion cap shotgun in the final photo. The caps exploded under the hammers and ignited black powder in the chambers. Too much powder and those old Damascus steel barrels blew out. That thing should be nowhere near the man's crotch! Promise me, if you turn hillbilly, you'll practice firearm safety.

    1. Geo, you're probably the most observant and informative person I ever knew. Even if I ever turned hillbilly, I wouldn't trust myself with firearms.

  9. What a silly question! "Did you ever hastily put something away and were never able to find it again?" Inevitably, whenever I move something in the attempt to store it in a different place where it'd be "more safe," I later can't remember where that safe place IS. But it's certainly safe... even I can't get to it!

    If you wait a little longer, it'll be too late to bother with spring cleaning. :)

  10. Somehow, summer cleaning sounds better. I'm sure that the calendars will turn up sometime next year.

  11. Hey Jon,

    Just wanted to let you know I am still reading both your blogs. I also recently lost a follower, so you're in good company :-)

    I actually just bookmark the blogs I like best. It's so much simpler that way, plus I always want to laugh out loud when somebody is advertising the fact that they have more than 300 followers. Isn't that a lot like Facebook? The more "friends" a blogger has, the better the blog? I find the exact opposite to be true.

    Anyway, just keep writing and I'll continue to read your words...


    P.S. "Popularity breeds contempt..." - Quentin Crisp

    1. Hey, Dylan - I have NEVER liked the "followers" concept, and I know from experience that the vast majority of followers never even read the blogs that they follow. It's all a big ego trip (much like the so-called "friends" on Facebook).

      The people who abandoned my blog this week were all offended by things that I've said or posted. I'm so tired of catering to hyper-sensitivity. Perhaps I'm just blowing it out of proportion.....
      I'm very tempted to remove the "Followers" (Join this Site) thing on my sidebar, but I'm afraid if I do I'll lose some readers.

      Anyway, it means a lot to know that you're there. Thanks!

    2. I like the Crisp quote.

    3. Jon:

      Quentin Crisp was a true original. Have you seen THE NAKED CIVIL SERVANT? Or read the book? Regarding losing readers (because of the silly little "followers " feature), I don't think that could happen to you. You are much too talented and honest for most people to ignore. There are so many fake bloggers out there, but you are the real deal.

      Again, I think your popularity makes certain (less gifted) people jealous and resentful. This is always the case in the art world: why should it be any different here?

      Andy Warhol was completely shunned at the start of his career (too fey). But he just kept on doing the work, and both the public and critics finally realized there was a true genius behind that mask of silence he was so fond of.

      Van Gogh and Emily Dickinson are two more examples. Oh, and let's not forget Walt Whitman (obscene!). He eventually ended up getting his own postage stamp (I used to be a serious stamp and coin collector).

      Anyway, I wish there was some way I could help you to not worry so much? Your blogs will remain in demand - despite the clueless critics.

      Hang in there!


    4. Dylan, I've seen the movie "The Naked Civil Servant" and really loved it (his humor is wonderful) but I've never (yet) read the book. Quentin Crisp was a real gem.

      I'm afraid that some people who read my blog (certainly not all!) extract an image of me that is greatly distorted from who I really am. Behind the safety of words, I often present myself as brash, confident, and rather rude or crude. I possibly also come across as arrogant.

      In truth, I have battled an enormous lack of confidence and an immense amount of self-hatred my entire life. I was extremely self-destructive. It also took many years to "recover" from all of my father's violence and abuse. Few people know the depths of my inferiority complex.

      This blog is the only place that I've felt free to express my true feelings and to put some value on my self-worth. Everything I write is true - but I exaggerate my confidence and present myself as much more tough than I really am. I think I learned this faux toughness in my youth on the streets of Hollywood. Without it I would have never survived.

      I truly value good, compassionate, intelligent people like yourself, who put up with my blog rambles and understand what I'm really about.

  12. Shame on you Jon. However, I notice that the more daring your entries are, the more comments and fans you have. Obviously a lot of people enjoy a little naughtiness.

  13. I noticed that the titles of our blog posts have a lot to do with how many readers we attract. If the post is entitled "Sunday Afternoon" nobody will read it. But title it "Naked Gay Guys in Hollywood" and the readers will come like flies on a Big Mac.

    I'm growing weary of hyper-sensitive readers who take issue with everything I say. I truly don't purposefully want to offend (not much, anyway) but I have a knack for it.

  14. I do hope you are NOT in the backwoods alone. It can mess with your head.

    1. I live with three cats and they mess with my head. Actually, living in the Big City is what messed me up.

  15. You're not alone. You have cats and wild dogs! LOL! ;) ;)

    1. ...and coyotes...and owls....
      better than some humans, by far!

  16. Thanks for the sprinkle, greetings from Knob Hill in San Francisco (for 36 hours.)

    1. Hey, if you're in Knob Hill, you don't need any fairy dust.

  17. Jon,
    I think it's time you invited out one of those farm ladies who follow your blog. Always fun to read your blogs Jon. Never boring. I have a feeling something exciting is about to happen in your world. Hang one.

  18. Only if she knows how to drive a tractor, Ron. I hope you're right about the "excitement". With my luck it will be excitement in the form of a tornado or a pack of wolves.


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