I wrote that essay long ago and have been posting it on my blog every Memorial Day for the past decade (almost).
It's one of my personal favorite "literary" efforts. Ironically, it is always the least-read post on my blog.
Okay, take a deep breath. We're going into Rant Mode.
morning
So how did I spend my Memorial Day weekend?
Wait a minute, Jon. Why did you change to a larger font?
So that you can actually READ this fricking post. I'm tired of visiting blogs that offer 10,000 word diatribes with a microscopic font. It assaults my eyes and pisses me off. When I write something, I want you to actually see it.
We see it, Jon.
My Memorial Day weekend can be summed up in a few words: heat, wasps, weeds, spiders, mice, cats. Did I mention weeds?
Thanks to the perpetual rain (it rains here about 360 days a year) the weeds have assumed Twilight Zone dimensions. They are now nearly as tall as myself (I'm 6'1" without my boots) and far more obstinate (than myself). They have completely engulfed my house and are threatening to consume it.
The last time I was in town somebody suggested "Use Roundup on your weeds".
(Roundup is a popular weed killer here in the U.S.- - for those of you in the Hebrides).
Roundup, my ass!! (hence the title)
Hey, I'm in a forest, surrounded by wilderness acres. My weeds have taken on H.G.Wells proportions, with Amazon animosity (I'm not talking online shopping Amazon - - I'm talking jungle rain forest Amazon).
Roundup is for warts on potted petunias. I need plows and teams of horses, heavy trackers (as opposed to light ones), sickles, machetes, and Divine Intervention from God Almighty.
I've lately been spraying the weeds with a wicked mixture of bleach and salt.
And the first one of you prissy-pansy environmentalists who tells me I'm destroying the environment is going to get a liberal shot of the bleach mixture right up your (you fill in the blank).
I used "liberal" just to annoy you.
You think Donald Trump is outspoken?
Just thank your booties that I'M not running for President. I'd make Trump look like Shirley Temple.
a jungle jumble of weeds
Today I braved the humidity and jungle bugs to attack the weeds with a humongous pair of shears.
I keep the shears outside and - just as I was about to pick them up - I saw a HUGE black spider on them. Having to kill it only intensified my misery.
Spiders and wasps are everywhere. The wasps are extremely aggressive and chase me as soon as I step outside. They wait by the door. The spiders pop up unexpectedly and scare the living Jeeters out of me.
I was in my bedroom late last night, reading (Russian history, in case you're curious). Suddenly -
I looked at the window and saw a huge black spider creeping in (must have been the other black spider's big brother).
Yes, I do have screens on my windows. But spiders ignore them.
I jumped up (not an easy task with my bad back) and ran outside on the back porch to get the bug spray (I accidentally left it out there).
By the time I got back to the bedroom - let's all say it together -
THE SPIDER WAS GONE!!!
I looked everywhere, and then looked everywhere again. Where the hell did it go?? It probably crawled into my bed and is waiting there for me to go to sleep, so it can nest in my hair.
About half an hour later (I'm still in a terrified sweat over the awol spider) my cat Scruffy runs in carrying a mouse by the tail. Holy shit!
She drops the mouse and it quickly takes shelter behind a big chest of drawers.
I'm on my hands and knees, trying to coax the mouse out - while still glancing around everywhere in fear of the spider. While my back is still hurting.
After the passing duration of a delightful hour, I finally manage to trap the mouse in a cardboard mailing cylinder that I happened to have.
mouse in cylinder
The mouse looked so cute that I didn't have the heart to kill him (I'm a sweetheart). I ventured outside at 3:00 am and dumped the hapless rodent in a nearby field.
He'll probably return to the house, but what the hell.
And that, my friends, is only a fraction of what I did on Memorial Day weekend.
The good thing about weeds are, is that they are green. They cut nicely too.
ReplyDeleteI'm beginning to dislike the color green....
Deleteay carumba! my air conditioner quit running on sunday. they will be out tomorrow; it pays to be long-time customers of a local firm. and I still am suffering with bronchitis. in this fucking heat. for the weeds, get a goat.
ReplyDeleteAir conditioners always seem to quit at the most inopportune times. They know what they're doing.
DeleteI need a herd of goats. At least.
I'm sending potent get-well wishes.
it's fixed; new motor = $1000. but I can breathe!
DeleteGood! Now you're all set for the summer!
Deleteexcept now she'll be hitting me up for drinks. that was her cock a tail funds!
DeleteNow I know I shouldn't laugh, but your story telling does make this sound comical with never any dull moments there. In some ways it reminds me of the song, There was Once A Old Woman Who Swallowed a Fly, a cumulative children's song whose music was composed by Alan Mills and there was a version of the song was released in 1953, and sung by Burl Ives. The song tells the story of an old woman who swallowed increasingly large animals, each to catch the previously swallowed animal....she swallowed a cat to catch the bird, she swallowed a bird to catch the spider, she swallowed a spider to catch the fly.... well anywho, this may be what you need, more critters to catch each other. What scares the living shit out of me are those damn thousand leggers!!!! I freeze up when I see those suckers. And you have to get them...there fast. Those weeds are crazy! Is there someone who could mow them down for you? What you need is some hot shirtless men to whack those suckers down, all the while you watch, coy and bashfully from the veranda. Work smart, not hard dear💋
ReplyDeletebyd damn that was wordly...ive had some gin with bromide tonight, can you tell?
DeleteGawd, I remember that song from when I was a kid. We used to sing it in school...and I still know all the words (after about 90 years).
DeleteIronically, I actually thought of that song the other night - - I figured the cat caught the mouse, the mouse could catch the spider, etc. etc.
I'd be fortunate if I could find ANYONE to cut the weeds - let alone a cute shirtless weed cutter. Perhaps I could lounge on the veranda, look helpless, and flag down one of the passing logging trucks....
When we lived at the ranch there were so many spiders if they weren't Brown recluse or Black Widows I just let them live. I really got to like those little striped jumpy spiders.
ReplyDeleteI'm terrified of ALL spiders and I don't trust any of them. Some of the jumping spiders aren't bad, but the ones here in TN are a lot bigger than those I remember in California.
DeleteI'm so glad you didn't kill the mouse, Jon! Your environs sounds a bit like Satan's sauna. (Shhh, I borrowed that from Rick.) I'm not sure what's worse -- your humidity or our predicted 115-degree weekend.
ReplyDeleteAt least (thank God!), we've all got each other to commensurate!
The poor mouse looked so helpless and upset. I figured I'd give him a second chance.
DeleteActually, the humidity here isn't half as intense as it was when I lived in the Missouri Ozarks. It was incredibly sweltering there.
What a cute mouse - I'm all for second chances. In fact, I'd have kept him/her for a pet. Since I don't have any cats to worry about, please feel free to send the next mouse you catch to Portland: I promise to stock up on cheese and peanut butter (most mice love peanut butter more than cheese). And I'll name him Algernon (if it's a male mouse). So what do you say?
DeleteP.S. I'm only half serious :-)
Alernon is a great name for a mouse. I'll start sending you ALL the mice that my cats catch (the live ones, anyway).
DeleteAnd I might send you one of the cats....
Norma has great success with vinegar as herbicide. I got her to dilute it with H20 and add liquid soap as surfactant. Works pretty good. I still use Roundup on the firebreak, but don't tell her.
ReplyDeleteI've heard that vinegar with liquid soap is a good weed killer but I've never tried it. I actually don't like using bleach, but I happened to have a lot of it - - and it works.
DeleteI just might buy some Roundup on my next excursion to WalMart. It'll be our secret.
Using salt will make the land sterile!
ReplyDeleteYour font is so large I have to scroll back and forth to read the ends of the sentences.
The small amount of salt that I use wouldn't be discernible in a stew. I honestly don't use much at all.
DeleteI'll bet the screen you're viewing it on is five inches.
I'm just being a smart ass. Ignore me.
DeleteIf you go to a farm supply store (Tractor Supply, Orscheln, etc.) you can buy a large amount of much stronger Roundup. We go to the MFA and Cliff buys a different brand (same chemical, different name) much cheaper than Roundup. So there's that.
ReplyDeleteWe have an unusual number of spiders this year Instead of the usual Recluse, we seem to be overtaken by Black Widows, which are less dangerous than recluse spiders. So I guess that's good. Unfortunately, Black Widows are also very fast, so I usually miss when I try to smash them.
Believe it or not, there is a Tractor Supply store here in town. I'm sure they have a better selection than Walmart.
DeleteThese black spiders aren't black widows (thank goodness) but ALL spiders scare me.
It does sound as if the natural world is getting the better of you. I think you'd better make friends with a neighbour with a combine harvester. That would cut the grass and bale it up. Then you could throw the bales of grass at the spiders. See, I know how to deal with the natural world.... Seriously, good luck with keeping it under. It must be hard dealing with that kind of wild nature especially with a bad back. Maybe there is a local contractor who will clear the nearest bits to the house.
ReplyDeleteI have a difficult time dealing with the natural and the unnatural world!
DeleteI actually have been clearing the area around the house - I've worked on it (slowly) for the past two days.
I lived with a cat who would drop the live mouse gift down on the foot of the bed--while you were sleeping. The mouse would race up the bed and down behind the headboard where the cat would catch it again and drop it by my feet at the end of the bed. This would go on until I got out of bed and turned on the light, whereby the cat pretended it had no knowledge of said rodent and left me to chase it around the bedroom until it could be captured and released. They are darn cute, aren't they.
ReplyDeleteYou have also reminded me of a black spider that was sitting on top of my shoe in the pantry and by the time I ran to get a paper towel to crush it (unlike mice, insects take their life in their hands at my place)--it was gone. I have not found it. That was a week ago. Thanks for reminding me. I had finally forgotten about the creepy invader!!
When I first moved here, one of my cats deposited a DEAD mouse in my bed - right by the pillow! I have been checking my bed VERY carefully every night ever since.
DeleteI have a friend whose cat left a dead BIRD in her bed!
Fewer things are more unnerving than a disappearing spider....
You are so hilarious Jon. The weeds? Let them go unless they're close to your house. I just came in from surveying our one acre lot with bill. At the very border the grass has gone to seed. I advised Bill not to mow it, let it go wild. The insects and birds love it A pure ecology movement. However, if the weeds are too close to your house you'll not only get those monster spiders but you'll get ticks which you DO NOT WANT. Get your scythe out and cut those weeds naturally! (smile, you know I always make my recommendations with a SMILE). At least you don't have to worry about scorpions. And the mice? They're cute but you DO NOT WANT them in your house. They breed like crazy. Your cats will keep them out.
ReplyDeleteKeep the stories coming Jon. You have the best blog!
Ron
I'm always delighted when you appreciate my humor, Ron - not everybody does (I can be caustic at times, but that's the fun of it).
DeleteI have been clearing the area around my house - I've been working on it for the past few days. I mistakenly thought I'd never have to do yard work again if I lived in the wilderness. The coyotes are laughing at me.
Jon,
DeleteI do "get" your humor. Know why? Because we both have the same sense of humor. Not everyone gets my "humor" either. I think both of us look at the absurdity of the world and view it with a combination of humor, frustration and resignation. I always thoroughly enjoy your posts, especially the "rants." I'm there with you Jon, believe me I am.
Ron
Jon,
ReplyDeleteAh, this really made me laugh. It is enough fighting back our grass and bushes here. I swear they grow as I cut. My yard was literally a meadow after all the rain and the heat. Last week I am keying away here at the computer and noticed a spot at the top of the blinds. I looked a bit closer and sure enough this big black spider comes out and down the slats. I opened the window and tried to get it outside when it slipped off the paper I was using and disappeared behind my desk. A fe ticks of the clock and up the wall it comes. I never did catch and have no idea where it might be lurking. I've been nervous entering this room ever since.
Larry
Lar,
DeletePat had spider bites all over his one leg he left out from the covers the other night. Now he keeps both legs under the covers when he sleeps.
Ron
Larry - I thought the weeds in Texas were bad. They were minor league compared to what I'm going through here in the wilds of Tennessee. And at least in TX it never rained.
DeleteRon, that's a terrifying story about Pat and the spider bites. I think I'd sleep fully clothed - with the lights on!
Eek! I found your BLACK spider. Now it's stalking me. Weeds blend into the landscape. Ignore 'em. Liked the clever way you corraled the mouse. he did look awful cute.
ReplyDeleteThe weeds are making my entire house blend in with the landscape. I am extremely tempted to ignore them (as long as they don't devour me).
DeleteI couldn't figure out how to catch the mouse without injury (to him). That cardboard cylinder did the trick.