I drove to town today and decided that I should probably write about it before the booze and the golden memories wear off.
I'm not really drunk. I simply had a couple beers for courage before I hit the dangerous, winding, narrow, treacherous mountain roads. Okay, I had three beers. Then I took some generous swigs of a daytime liquid cold medicine. Then I took an aspirin. And a few more swigs of beer.
That curious concoction is Minor League compared to the dangerous stuff I used to mix together when I was a kid in California. I'm older now and more conservative.
Anyway, I got up at 8:00 am but wasn't ready to leave until around 11:00. I didn't know what to wear. All my jeans are embarrassingly dirty. Well, all except for my black jeans (which look clean when they're dirty) but I don't wear black on hot days - not even to funerals. So I reluctantly wore my old army pants. And an old army shirt. And my old boots. And an ancient cowboy hat.
If there was a death penalty for beginning sentences with conjunctions, I'd be pushing up daisies right now.
Since I had on old army clothes I decided to wear my dog tags. They were a perfect accessory for my Redneck meets Hicksville attire.
The fantastic thing about living in rural Tennessee is that no matter how outrageously bad you look everyone else looks even worse. This feeds my ego.
If you think driving the dangerous, winding, narrow, treacherous mountain road is bad - try doing it when your back is screamingly painful and it's 95 degrees. And the air conditioner in your car doesn't work.
Then compound that agony with having four gigantic plastic bags of putrid garbage in the back seat. The stench induced hallucinations that would have impressed Timothy Leary. My first stop is always the City Dump. I think it's properly called Garbage Central or some such thing.
Garbage collectors don't make visitations to rural mountain areas so I have to tote my own trash to town. It's a necessary humiliation.
They're no longer called garbage collectors, Jon. They're now Sanitation Coordination Engineers.
I don't know whether today was a holiday, or if Tennesseans simply take the day off when the temperature is over 90, but I never saw it so crowded in town. There are usually about 150 freakin' people in town. Today there must have been 200,000. It looked like Atlantic City on the 4th of July. I can't figure what the hell was going on.
Moonshine convention, maybe?
There were even lines of vehicles at the service station when I got gas (that's petrol, for those of you in Yorkshire).
After I went to the bank, I had to drive to two places to pay my utility and water bills.
Why don't you simply pay your bills online, Jon?
Because I savor the adrenaline rush and profound anxiety that I get when driving to town. I used to pay my bills online when I lived in Texas. It was too easy.
Is this post getting annoyingly long? It's never my intention to ply you with too much of a good thing. Or to annoy you in the process of doing it.
I haven't even got to the grocery shopping part yet. Or the beer part. There's only one place in town that sells beer and their prices are outrageous. Taking advantage of desperate, pathetic alcoholics is beyond sinful.
Well, I got the three essentials that I always need: cat litter, toilet paper, and beer. And enough groceries to last nearly a month. I really wanted to get ice cream but it would have dissolved on the drive home. Instead I got yogurt. The great thing about yogurt is that if it goes bad you can't tell.
You could always bring an ice chest and put your ice cream in there, Jon.
Hey, I'm not the fancy type. Who the hell do you think I am - Martha Stewart?
It was so hot and dry today that it felt like Death Valley (I've been there and thought I'd mention it to impress you). It hasn't rained here in two days which is considered a drought. On the way home, my contact lenses dried out and got incredibly blurry. I could hardly see as I screeched around dangerous curves at 80 MPH.
Jon, you're reckless, childish, incorrigible, and a menace to society.
And that's on a good day. You wouldn't want to see me when I'm bad. You forgot to mention that I'm cute.
BTW, what does "incorrigible" mean?
My other blog is simply an extension of myself, intended to perplex you. Here's the link:
http://cabinetofcurioustreasures.blogspot.com
I like your outfit. Should gain some respect from the clerks. I agree about the yogurt, it can't match up to ice cream.
ReplyDeleteI need all the respect I can get. Yogurt can be frozen (I've tried it) but it still can't match up to ice cream.
DeleteWhen Mother Nature has kicked up the heat, a notch or two, on the thermometer and the air conditioner in your car doesn't work... surviving the ride is more important than what to wear. The less clothes on your body, the better. here when we have a heatwave EVERYBODY goes to town to find a building with air conditioning to ramble about in all day. Perhaps that's what the masses were doing in your neck of the woods. glad your garbage got delivered to the dump without leaving a permanent stench for you to endure.
ReplyDeleteI never thought about that but you're right - all these country bumpkins probably went to Walmart to get cooled off. And the local supermarket was nice and cool, too.
DeleteI took special note of your libational preparation for driving --I need something like that to help me understand how other drivers have got lately. They'll sit still at a green light and wait for it to get greener. They can't hold onto a lane. They seem to slip in and out of consciousness. I believe a cosmic entropy belt is affecting our highways. Be vigilant!
ReplyDeleteMost of the local TN drivers are fairly polite (except the school bus drivers....), but yesterday I encountered a few nasty ones. Must have been due to the heat.
DeleteYour surprise at the town full of folks reminded me mucho of the Holy Modal Rounders' tune - Spring of '65. Here's a link to it on youTube so you can hear to what I refer... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N2JJqtTF1R4
ReplyDeleteHope you like it. And a hint for the sake of those sharing the road with you ... skip the bloody cough syrup. That stuff will kill me!
I never heard of the Holy Modal Rounders but I loved the video. A perfect accompaniment for navigating these TN roads. Or drinking beer.
DeleteYour writing is so visual, it's almost like watching a movie or video. And that's always a good sign of a good writer! I live downtown on purpose, because I never learned how to drive. So I can walk to the grocery store, public library, pay utility bills, etc.
ReplyDeleteBut if I do any of this while the sun is still up, the people and traffic are enough to make me want to leap in front of the first moving bus I spot!
So that's why the one or two friends I still have left call me The Vampire of Portland. I seem to be allergic to both obnoxious people and the unkind sun.
Anyway, be careful out there, Jon. Those long and winding roads are like a roller coaster from hell.
Well, that's yet another thing that we have in common. I've always had a strong affinity for vampires and - with my Hungarian blood - I'm positive I'm related to some.
DeleteAnd I hate crude, obnoxious people.
Being raised in Southern California, it was a complete necessity to drive a car. I didn't think much about it then - - but the older I get the less I enjoy driving. If I could successfully exist without the complications of owning a vehicle, I would do it.
no disasters on the monthly drive - YAYZ! the cats can poop and you can have another beer!
ReplyDeleteNo disasters on the road, the cats are crapping in comfort, and I have booze.
DeleteWhat more could I ask for?
(don't answer that!)
Cute has kept many generations of like minded men alive. Stay safe, we would miss you and your cats would to.
ReplyDeleteI agee....stay safe stay writing
DeleteIt's reassuring to know that I would be missed by someone other than my cats....
DeleteJon,
ReplyDeleteI bet that road is worse than it looks. Photos never do justice to treacherous trails or roads, the picture smooths out the hight and depth of them and makes them tame. But I have been on those Tennessee Mountain Roads, so be careful.
Larry
Larry you're absolutely right about that. The photos certainly don't depict the dangers. There are so many unexpected curves, horseshoe turns, and dangerous cliffs.
DeleteYou're so entertaining ... I agree with Dylan's opening sentence!
ReplyDeleteExcept, I wish you'd share a selfie in your army get-up. :)
Just this year, I've had the same thing happen with my contact lens ... like 'someone' smeared a thin layer of Vasoline across them. Thank goodness, that's only happened one at a time; but I've taken to carrying a spare pair at all times. (So far, I'm still to vain to invest in a pair of eyeglasses.)
Be careful!
Anyone who suspects that I'm entertaining has a special place in my heart! Who knows, after ingesting a few more beers I might just take an Army selfie.
DeleteActually, I wear soft contact lenses - but my present ones are too old. I have to order some new ones (they're supposed to be changed every month).
In Texas I wore the hard lenses and my eyes were constantly infected from all the dust and the extremely low humidity. The soft lenses are a great improvement.
Small town you live in huh, that type that says eat here and get gas. That is terrible you have to take the garbage to them. At least you made it back in one piece. I rarely use my air in the car or home. I love the feel of the heat on my skin, or is that the gin? Who knows. Yes, this is why I enjoy you. 'When your good your good, and when your bad your better."
ReplyDeleteI prefer to feel the "real" heat, too, instead of the artificial arctic breath of an air conditioner. The gin serves to enhance the heat.
DeleteWhew! I'm glad that is over with!
ReplyDeleteI lived in the country in Wisconsin once where we had to cart our smelly trash to the dump. That's when I discovered why they all drove pickups--LOL!
Glad you made it home safe. Now--recovery time. :)
When I lived in Texas I had a pickup truck and it came in handy. I didn't think I'd need one in TN, but in fact I need a truck more now than ever. A Toyota car just doesn't cut it here in the wilderness.
DeleteIt is a good thing you don't live in a dry county (Praise Jesus). I think your army ensemble was perfect for the day.
ReplyDeleteI used to live in a dry county in Texas and it was INFURIATING. The people finally rebelled and voted for liquor. It was the happiest day of my life (well, almost).
DeleteI should be thankful that at least I can get beer here. But I'm tempted to go into the moonshine business.
Jon,
ReplyDeleteOh I know those Smoky mountain twisty roads so well. Bill and I almost met our end a few years ago traversing those roads in a blinding thunderstorm. Be careful Jon!
Ron
These roads are terrifying. I have piloted them through a few rainstorms (which I hope never to do again). One thing for certain, I NEVER want to drive in fog - and it gets foggy here quite often.
DeleteHow does skunk drunk differ from any other drunk?
ReplyDeleteIs there another town within a reasonable driving distance that you could travel to on occasion to purchase other libations than beer?
Years ago I had problems with my hard contact lenses fogging up. I can't remember what the condition was called but switching to soft lenses cured it.
I love your long blog posts. I find them very entertaining. Glad you were able to stock up on life's essentials.
Skunk drunk is more enjoyable than regular drunk.
DeleteBelieve it or not, I do wear soft contact lenses - but I'm supposed to change them every month. The ones I'm presently wearing are old (I have to order new ones).
I wore hard contacts for over twenty years and they finally started bothering my eyes so much that I had to give them up.
I'm always delighted to hear that others think my writing is entertaining. I admittedly often entertain myself.
I seriously doubt that anything you write could be annoying - long post or otherwise. I'm late to your prior post and am sorry to read about your back. My dad fell a lousy 21 inches and became an instant paraplegic - so no more cowboy boots in winter, okay ? What comes to mind is perhaps a pair of (Yaktrax ) if you don't already have them. They're lightweight, easy to use, and provide stability on ice and snow. Your back needs safety from any further injury.
ReplyDeleteYour father's accident is an incredibly tragedy - I'm so very sorry. I never knew how extremely dangerous falls can be, until it happened to me. I'll never be the same, and it was largely due to my carelessness.
ReplyDeleteI never heard of Yaktrax so I did a search, and it sounds like something I could definitely use. Cowboy boots are not only bad in the winter, they're even dangerous in the summer. I've slipped on mud numerous times
It really doesn't take much force to injure the spinal column with permanent damage. We don't think about paralysis, but it can happen in a blink. I met a lot of individuals ( both paraplegic and quadriplegic ) during my dads rehab, and they all had fallen on their backs. One young guy slipped on a wet spot in his mothers restaurant and never moved again. Instant quadriplegic. So sad. Yaktrax aren't expensive and they will help with your footing in winter. Life savers really. Postal workers among others use them. Sorry if I sound preachy ... just concerned.
ReplyDeleteI truly appreciate your concern.
Delete