I've lately been plagued with horrendously frightening aura migraines. I've had three in the past two days. I first started getting them in my early 30's and they continue to enhance my sporadic panic attacks and perpetual anxiety.
My life has never been quite as idyllic as one might imagine....and never will be.
My mother suffered with aura migraines. More women (supposedly) get them than men. She suffered silently. Never complained.
In stark contrast, I am a dramatic, hypersensitive bitch.
I had an unusually vivid dream last night - during a rare doze between rampant bouts of sleeplessness. Most of my dreams are disturbing (I merely threw that in for armchair analysts to ponder) but when I wake they are quickly forgotten.
This dream dared to linger.
I was playing the piano for my mother. Ever since she died, she is merely a vague but comforting shadow in my dreams.
Ironically, I was playing the very first piano piece that I ever heard her play. She was performing at an auditorium in Covina, California when I was seven years old. I was spellbound.
In the dream I was playing my own piano transcription of the piece. I vividly saw my fingers - - and every note, every chord, cadence, and arpeggio was absolutely correct. It was extremely vivid.
I suppose the dream is significant, since I haven't touched the piano in two years. After all the problems I went through in Texas, and after the movers "lost" half of my cherished piano manuscripts, I've been reluctant to even look at a piano.
My life as a musician in California - - the concerts, rehearsals, the intense comradery of like-minded friends - - is now a thing of the distant past.
This post will probably be of no interest to anyone but myself. I'm merely thinking out loud in front of a host of strangers.
Ironically, this piano dream happened on the exact November date when my Mom and I met the pianist Van Cliburn (now deceased). I was fifteen at the time - and I later studied piano with A. Thomas Talbert, who was a close friend of Cliburn.
Dreams, memories, disconnected connections....
Sad to hear that you have not played the piano in two years. Music is obviously an important part of your life - perhaps you can reconnect some way, some day.
ReplyDeleteI'm certain that I will reconnect sometime in the not-too-distant future. It would be impossible to abandon it forever.
DeleteI read every post with interest.
ReplyDeleteI truly appreciate that!
DeleteI found you via John Gray. I'm not "registered" anywhere so will show up as Anonymous here. I always look out for a new post from you with interest. When I lived in the USA for 19 years, I spent all that time in Southern California. Perhaps the dreams are because you have been smothering your artistic side? Perhaps subconsciously this is a shake-up to tell you to get back in the saddle again? You are really talented. Regards, Maggie B, UK
ReplyDeleteI think you've hit the target, Maggie. These musical dreams are indeed a subconscious desire to tackle the keyboard again.
DeleteI am always immensely thankful that I was raised in Southern California. At that time, I considered it to be the greatest place on earth. It afforded me many opportunities that I never would have had elsewhere. Unfortunately, it has changed so much in recent years (for the worst) that I'd never want to go back.
I'm inclined to think everything happens for a reason ... why not our dream-consciousness?
ReplyDeleteI'll go out on a limb and venture (that) your mother is watching, waiting for you to play for her.
My boss (aka, Drama Queen) 'suffered' from migraines for years ... long and loudly. :(
Nothing seemed to work and, in fact, she missed more than a few days ... until someone suggested CQ-10. We've been together for more than 14 years now, and I can attest she's not 'suffered' from a migraine for the last 3 years.
Dreams are always a raw reflection of our subconscious - - they tell us a lot about our inner-selves.
DeleteI've never heard of CQ-10 so I did a Google. It's certainly worth a try. Magnesium is also supposed to be helpful.
My dreams are always nightmares and extremely vivid. I remember them and they cloud the atmosphere of my day. I've had aura migraines since I was 17. For me, I first notice I cannot see anything dead center and the lights on the outside I call "teepee lights" because they're shaped in upside down "V"s and very bright. Then my speech slurs to the point you would think I was drunk.
ReplyDeleteI was having one while driving home and missed the garage opening by half. Slammed right through the wall next to it.
I used to be plagued by severe, wake-up-screaming nightmares because of my abusive father - - I had them until I was in my 30's. It's a shame what our early lives can scar us with.
DeleteMy migraines always cause more visual disturbances than acute headaches. Really scary.
Your dream was probably just from gas. (just joking)
ReplyDeleteI don't miss playing music. Because I always have it in me. Beverly Sills was the only smart singer to quit singing at fifty. The others waited way past their expiration date and screeched for the final years. As for pianist, Horowitz is the only exception I can think of, but what did become of him in his final years?
You're right about Beverly Sills being wise enough to retire early. There's nothing more depressing than a 75 year-old Mimi or Violette. Pianists can get away with performing a little longer...heck, Rubinstein was still giving concerts at 90.
DeleteA friend of mine saw one of Rubinstein's last recitals in Los Angeles...unfortunately I couldn't go.
I loved Rubinstein's version of Chopin's g minor ballade.
DeleteLove the red piano picture.
ReplyDeleteI like it, too - it looks surrealistic.
DeleteHopefully you'll play piano again. I still watch your videos and am amazed at how quickly your fingers can move on the keyboard. It looks difficult to me. I also love the piano picture.
ReplyDeleteI feel for you - migraines with visual disturbances are so freaky.
Some of my piano videos are really awful, since they were merely "rehearsal" tapes - but I'm delighted that you're enjoying them!
DeleteJon,
ReplyDeleteI like your "thinking out loud" blog posts. I too have had some very interesting dreams lately. I often wonder if that's what we experience when we die we just send a permit to dreamland. Sometimes it is pleasurable but sometimes it is very scary. I think I prefer turn oblivion when I die, surle which will happen one day. it's a shame so much of your personal possessions were lost during the move. Wonder what happened to them. I wonder if they sitting in the warehouse somewhere. I thought for sure that they would show up by now. I hope you got some kind of relief from your migraine headaches, one malady which fortunately I've never suffered from.
Ron
Ron, I hope Bill is doing okay - I'll; check your blog again soon.
DeleteI dream about my mother nearly every night - - I suppose it proves how much she is on my mind, at least subconsciously.
The movers not only made many stops during the move - - my possessions were also changed to several different trucks AND several different companies!!! I never heard of anything so insane and irresponsible. It would have been very easy for things to be lost - - or stolen.
I am STILL so outraged by their incompetence that I can hardly function.
Sometimes migraines can be triggered barometrically, air pressure changing ahead of wind or rain --mine are. If you ever run across a personal essay by Joan Didion, "In Bed", you'll find a work that helped me deal with migraine. Your talent, skill and encyclopedic knowledge of music is magical to me and I am always delighted when you share.
ReplyDeleteGeo - you're absolutely right about the link between migraines and barometric pressure - - that's what very often caused my Mom's migraines. Recently there has been a drastic change in the weather here with a plummeting barometer.
DeleteMy migraines are also (of course) caused by stress (and I have a helluva lot of it). I've also had migraines after eating chocolate or taking hot bathes. It's a VERY strange and annoying affliction. Not to mention scary....
Sympathies about the aura migraines. I don't know why they are so frightening but they really are.
ReplyDelete