So here's what happened:
It all began last Saturday after I wrote my previous blog post ("Layers"). I wrote it quickly and posted it without thinking.
When I reread it I began to think, and my initial thought was "I hate this damn thing!"
I not only disliked the post, I despised the header photo....
....but then I said (to myself, of course)
"Well hell, it's only a blog post. You're not vying for a Pulitzer Prize in literature."
My alter ego disagreed.
Delete it, Jon! Quick, before anyone sees it!
I ran to my laptop and tried to access the Internet. Over and over.... and.....over.
It was an impossibility.
No Internet connection.
Damn! The Literary Gods were laughing.
After several moments of mindless panic, I ran to the source of my entire existence: the router. It was dead. No sign of life whatsoever.
What could possibly be worse?
It wasn't only dead.
It was barfed upon!!!
Barf. Puke. Vomit.
There was only one plausible culprit:
Bosco.
Well, he slept on it and puked on it.
In all fairness to Bosco, his aim was bad and he only puked on a corner of the router.
Needless to say, I was hysterical. I spent the duration of the night cleaning the router and trying to get it to work.
Let me interrupt this riveting story to say that - ever since I moved to the wilderness - the computer is my only connection to the outside world. Without the Internet, I'm lost.
When I'm off-line for ten minutes I start getting withdrawal symptoms.
So I made a frantic call to my Internet provider for technical help.
Help! I have a deceased router!!
I didn't mention the cat puke.
"Have no fear," the lady assures me. "We'll call you tomorrow to set up an appointment. The workers will be out later in the week."
The next day, I sat by the phone eagerly awaiting the call. By early afternoon I started getting worried, but I also started getting hungry.
I decided to make burritos. I figured after I ate I'd call them again and see what's going on. A few more Internetless days won't kill me. Maybe.
This post is getting long, but what the heck- I'm on a roll.
So I'm sitting there in my bathrobe, leisurely eating burritos. I look like the far side of hell: I haven't washed my hair in a week. Haven't shaved in two weeks. The house is a complete mess. The kitchen is a disaster.
There's sour cream and salsa dripping from my mustache.
And the phone rings.
Thank God! They're going to set up an appointment!
It's the customer service repairman.
"I'm in your yard!" he announces. "Can I come in?"
Holy Jeezus!! I'm beyond stunned!!
"I wasn't expecting you now," I stammer.
"I'm still in the truck," he says. "Do you have any dogs that bite?"
"No, but I have cats that annoy."
Even in a crisis, my humor is intact.
In an insane frenzy I'm zooming around - trying to clean up the house, trying to get dressed.
I'm pulling on my jeans while shoving food and dirty dishes in the oven and microwave. I'm trying to put a sweatshirt on while hiding dirty litter boxes and cat toys.
During the excitement my cat Scruffy jumps off the bed and gets a bad asthma attack. I nearly trip over her.
I'm not wearing my contact lenses and can't find my glasses....so I'm blinder than Mr. Magoo. Can't see a friggin' thing.
By the time I answer the door my heart is racing 300 beats a minute and I'm fighting to keep from passing out.
"If this is a bad time, I can come back,"
he tells me.
"No, no," I gasp. "Everything's fine".
My voice sounds like Minnie Mouse on helium. I don't even want to imagine what I look like.
The guy is friendly and talkative, but two things are impeding our communication:
My ears are pounding from my racing heart.
And the guy has a VERY thick Tennessee hillbilly accent, which I couldn't understand.
I'm not being condescending. I could hardly understand what anyone was saying when I lived in Texas, and the same thing is happening here.
So, is there a happy ending to this excruciatingly endless tale of woe?
The guy put a new connecting cable on my router and mentioned something about the battery being dead.
Do routers have batteries??
I think they have some sort of internal power source.....I think they can be reset....
but actually I'm completely clueless.
I suppose this story has a happy ending.
The router is working again.
I'm keeping it safely away from the cats.
And vomit was never mentioned.
Note:
I was surprised by all the great comments on my previous post - thank you!!!!
Dana - welcome back!
Dylan, I love your recent poem and can fully relate to it .
Cat puke is the worst. Glad despite the trauma you got your router fixed. internet withdrawl sucks.
ReplyDeleteWhen I first saw cat puke on the router I was positive that it was the cause of the connectivity problems - but apparently it was something else. Anyway, I'm glad it was fixed quickly!
DeleteGlad you're back in business. Don't you love it when they promise to call when they are on their way? Then call when they are in your yard. It's kind of mixed emotions, you're glad they're there but you're not glad they're there.
ReplyDeleteExactly!!! I'm delighted that the repairman came soon - but I REALLY would have liked them to call first.
DeleteYou may live out in the middle of no where......but you never have a dull moment.
ReplyDeleteMy entire life is like a Woody Allen movie - only more bizarre. There is definitely never a dull moment.
DeleteGreat post!! I know it wasn't funny at the time but it was hysterical to read. Glad it was the battery. So probably not Bosco's fault after all. Unless the upchuck leaked down to the battery in that very corner--LOL!
ReplyDeleteRemember when you used to feel cut off from the world without a telephone? Now it's the internet. Yes, it's my connection with the outside world, too. Glad you're back. :)
In retrospect, the entire incident was indeed hysterically funny - - but I REALLY HATE IT when people show up unannounced. I am never prepared.
DeleteAnd I will never knowingly let Bosco near the router again. I'm still not certain if the "upchuck" had anything to do with killing the router - - but perhaps it contributed to it.
I never realized how very much I depend on the Internet.
Jon, this very funny post really made me laugh out loud. And that is a true rarity for me. Glad you are back on the internet! And thanks for the kind words about my recent poem: I wrote it during a five minute panic attack I was trying to survive - so I know it's not exactly a classic. But it helped me make it through all the chaos. I often think poetry is better (and cheaper) than therapy.
DeleteP.S. You really are too sweet for words *smile*
Dylan, I can fully understand that it's a rarity for you to laugh out loud. I am exactly the same way - - but somehow I always manage to find humor in the weirdest situations. I can also fully relate to panic attacks. They seize me when I least expect it - and many of them are very bad (and terrifying).
DeleteSensitive people like us always suffer the most....
Writing poetry - and writing in general - are always extremely therapeutic outlets for me. Writing is a great catharsis.
Have you ever thought about writing your memoirs? I have a feeling your life has been very interesting and colorful.
BTW - it's been a helluva long time since anyone called me sweet.
You could put a plastic bag and then a towel or something on top of that so Bosco could still use it to stay warm. As long as you don't cover up the air circulation place--wherever that is. If it's underneath or on a side it shouldn't matter and would be open. Poor Bosco just wants to stay warm. ;)
ReplyDeleteFortunately, Bosco usually seeks warmth in my bed - under the covers. But sometimes - often during the day - he'll nap on the router. I hate to be a spoilsport, but I don't think I'll trust him near it again.
DeleteOMG, I didn't think I'd a chuckle remaining ... and yet, I'm chortling (between coughs).
ReplyDeleteAs Tom's dealing with setting up utilities, cable, trash, etc. he's stunned by the seeming graciousness of the southern denizens. Sounds like yours was a polite-fellow-raised-right, as well.
...In all seriousness, Jon, I was growing concerned.
Thanks for this funny update!
Being disconnected from the Internet always gives me a feeling of complete helplessness. I appreciate your concern.
DeleteThe people around here (for the most part) seem to be very polite, honest, and hard-working. It's refreshing.
(watch, after I said that I'll probably get murdered by a band of demented hillbillies...)
Glad I was able to provide you with chortles.
That's a funny story. It would have been a hoot being a fly on your wall. Glad you got it all sorted out and you're up and running. I've never heard a Tennessee accent before. I never knew they had one. Wonder why Bosco threw up in the first place ... hope he's not sick.
ReplyDeleteMy life is filled with unintentional humor. The flies on the wall are all laughing.
DeleteThere are many different types of southern accents here in the U.S. I've encountered them in Texas, the Missouri Ozarks, and here in TN - and I have difficulty understanding all of them.
Bosco occasionally gets an upset stomach. Sometimes he eats too fast (gulps his food). He also has a very bad reaction from milk, so I've stopped giving it to him (I've read that most cats can not tolerate milk, but it doesn't seem to bother my cat Scratch).
Just wanted to say a quick hello to Helga! I've missed hearing your always kind and wise words! Hope all is well w/you.
DeleteSame thoughts for Geo: My health might be all screwed up, but I never forget intelligence and kindness: Both are rare and much needed in the present world.
We all are so lucky to have Jon and his blog to help us survive the insanity of life. And to encourage him (and ourselves) to keep on living and doing and writing.
Dylan, the "insanity of life" has nearly destroyed me - - yet I manage to plod on, somehow. It's all we can do. Many thanks to you for being there (and all the other good people).
DeleteJon, don't you dare delete your prior post. My comment still stands and my take on Dylan's explanation on why he has omitted comments was both informative and distressing. As you know, I enabled comment moderation on my blog some time ago. If Dylan is having troll trouble, he should do likewise. You know, we don't always think alike --I believe that's being human-- but we don't need to be impolite or whatever Dylan's been experiencing. I follow his blog but think he might give more credence to you, who's been through the antagonism of others --not that I haven't but that's irrelevant. All my best to two good minds --not to be confused with the cloudy one in my head.
ReplyDeleteI've always been my own worst enemy, Geo, and I criticize myself FAR too much (I think I'm an extension of my father - which is a frightening thought...). I won't delete my previous post - mainly because it generated such great comments (including yours, of course). In fact, I plan to write a future post which will expound on my many "escapes" in life.
DeleteBTW - Your mind is never "cloudy". Mine seems to be perpetually cloudy, but I have a knack for suppressing the fact by being a good faker.
I noticed that Dylan didn't allow any comments on his latest post - which is sometimes a good idea (I've done it, too).
DeleteDylan has used comment moderation in the past, but unfortunately it doesn't do much to deter the trolls from leaving their vicious input.
The anonymity of the Internet enables bullies to say things that they'd never have the guts to say in person.
The vile comments that people leave on YouTube always astonishes me (and, yes, I've received a few on my piano videos...).
Ahhhh, the joys of owning cats. Ours take great delight in ralphing alllll over the place. This morning, there were a couple "treats" left on top of our pool table cover, but it couldn't have been them... they aren't "allowed" up there. It couldn't have been either of them who pawed out a scoop of cheesecake when it was cooling on the kitchen table last week, either, because they're not allowed there, either.
ReplyDeleteRight. We're their staff, and they've trained us well.
It's probably best you didn't tell the technician about the vomit. :)
There is NEVER a dull moment when we share (sacrifice??) our lives with felines. I honestly can't keep up with them most of the time. They complicate my life...but never fail to make me laugh.
ReplyDeleteWell, cleaning up cat barf doesn't exactly make me laugh, but - heck - it's part of the job.
I never knew cats liked cheesecake. Now that IS funny!
Those cats. They sometimes sound like devils in human form. And yet I can see why you love them. I had to laugh at your wonderful description! i wonder what the guy said when he got home that night and told his partner about his day....! :)
ReplyDeleteIf nothing else, cats are inexhaustibly entertaining. There's never a dull moment (but I sometimes wish there was).
DeleteI'm sure I made a lasting impression on the customer service repair guy. He's probably still laughing...
I am sure he has seen worse, you wouldn't believe the things those guys see. Glad you are back live.
ReplyDeleteI've probably made it to the top five most bizarre incidents he's ever encountered (at least).
DeleteI'm not sure if I'm exactly "live".