I haven't been blogging regularly lately - and haven't been reading other blogs - because of an overwhelming avalanche of personal problems that have been completely sapping my time and energy.
No need to go into details (it would take too long), but I will admit that there were moments so dire that I was almost considering Felo de se.
Don't panic - it's nothing sexual. Look it up.
On the bright side (assuming that there possibly is one), I think there may be a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.
On top of all the big problems, I've also been plagued with lots of little problems which seem to emerge simply to maintain my acute state of perpetual anxiety. Like the plumbing disaster that happened in my house a few weeks ago.
Today was typically chaotic.
When I crawled out of bed early this morning (with less than two hours of shuteye) I noticed that there was absolutely no water pressure anywhere in the house. Every faucet that I turned on yielded only a pathetic trickle.
I initially panicked - assuming that there was some kind of a drain blockage or - worse yet - a major leak somewhere.
After an hour passed - during which my panic escalated to a maniacal frenzy - the water pressure suddenly returned to normal again.
The problem undoubtedly had to do with an outside water line - and not something in my house.
I breathed a BIG sigh of relief.....
.....until I realized that I had to go into town today. My cats were completely out of cat food. Not a morsel left. There was no way I could avoid going.
So I gathered my pennies together - hoping that somehow I'd have enough to get chow for the felines and gas for my car.
As I navigated the endless, winding, harrowing mountain roads - I kept cursing myself for ever getting the insane idea of living in a rural area.
I'll fast-forward through the entire ugly ordeal and get to the part where I finally arrived back home.
After feeding the cats, I got a bad migraine which forced me to lie down.
I was probably asleep for a blissful hour, when an incredibly HUGE CRASH woke me up.
My initial groggy thought was that one of the cats broke something - - but this crash was much bigger than anything a cat could do.
I quickly scanned the house and found disaster in one of the bedrooms: a shelf in the closet fell off the wall and everything on it crashed to the floor.
I'll interject here to say that the lack of space in this small house has been a major issue ever since I moved here.
My house in Texas had huge walk-in closets and ample storage for everything. The dump that I'm presently living in has tiny closets and no room for anything. Junk is crammed everywhere simply because I don't know what to do with it.
For your intense viewing pleasure I have photos:
I should have known that the flimsy shelf wouldn't withstand the weight of all the clothes and junk.
The only thing that broke was a pair of heavy marble bookends that I got in Mexico many years ago.
They should have never been on that shelf, but there was nowhere else to put them.
Only the base broke - - it can possibly be repaired.
Fortunately, the clock next to it didn't break.
I used to keep this clock on the fireplace mantel when I lived in Texas.
I'm in no mood to fix the closet shelf. I'll probably examine it tomorrow.
This blog post was TOO LONG, but what the hell - it's free entertainment.
So here's what happened:
It all began last Saturday after I wrote my previous blog post ("Layers"). I wrote it quickly and posted it without thinking.
When I reread it I began to think, and my initial thought was "I hate this damn thing!"
I not only disliked the post, I despised the header photo....
....but then I said (to myself, of course)
"Well hell, it's only a blog post. You're not vying for a Pulitzer Prize in literature."
My alter ego disagreed.
Delete it, Jon! Quick, before anyone sees it!
I ran to my laptop and tried to access the Internet. Over and over.... and.....over.
It was an impossibility.
No Internet connection.
Damn! The Literary Gods were laughing.
After several moments of mindless panic, I ran to the source of my entire existence: the router. It was dead. No sign of life whatsoever.
What could possibly be worse?
It wasn't only dead.
It was barfed upon!!!
Barf. Puke. Vomit.
There was only one plausible culprit:
Bosco.
Does anybody remember, awhile ago, when I mentioned that Bosco sometimes sleeps on the router because of the warmth it emits (yes, routers are warm)?
Well, he slept on it and puked on it.
In all fairness to Bosco, his aim was bad and he only puked on a corner of the router.
Needless to say, I was hysterical. I spent the duration of the night cleaning the router and trying to get it to work.
Let me interrupt this riveting story to say that - ever since I moved to the wilderness - the computer is my only connection to the outside world. Without the Internet, I'm lost.
When I'm off-line for ten minutes I start getting withdrawal symptoms.
So I made a frantic call to my Internet provider for technical help.
Help! I have a deceased router!!
I didn't mention the cat puke.
"Have no fear," the lady assures me. "We'll call you tomorrow to set up an appointment. The workers will be out later in the week."
The next day, I sat by the phone eagerly awaiting the call. By early afternoon I started getting worried, but I also started getting hungry.
I decided to make burritos. I figured after I ate I'd call them again and see what's going on. A few more Internetless days won't kill me. Maybe.
This post is getting long, but what the heck- I'm on a roll.
So I'm sitting there in my bathrobe, leisurely eating burritos. I look like the far side of hell: I haven't washed my hair in a week. Haven't shaved in two weeks. The house is a complete mess. The kitchen is a disaster.
There's sour cream and salsa dripping from my mustache.
And the phone rings.
Thank God! They're going to set up an appointment!
It's the customer service repairman.
"I'm in your yard!" he announces. "Can I come in?"
Holy Jeezus!! I'm beyond stunned!!
"I wasn't expecting you now," I stammer.
"I'm still in the truck," he says. "Do you have any dogs that bite?"
"No, but I have cats that annoy."
Even in a crisis, my humor is intact.
In an insane frenzy I'm zooming around - trying to clean up the house, trying to get dressed.
I'm pulling on my jeans while shoving food and dirty dishes in the oven and microwave. I'm trying to put a sweatshirt on while hiding dirty litter boxes and cat toys.
During the excitement my cat Scruffy jumps off the bed and gets a bad asthma attack. I nearly trip over her.
I'm not wearing my contact lenses and can't find my glasses....so I'm blinder than Mr. Magoo. Can't see a friggin' thing.
By the time I answer the door my heart is racing 300 beats a minute and I'm fighting to keep from passing out.
"If this is a bad time, I can come back,"
he tells me.
"No, no," I gasp. "Everything's fine".
My voice sounds like Minnie Mouse on helium. I don't even want to imagine what I look like.
The guy is friendly and talkative, but two things are impeding our communication:
My ears are pounding from my racing heart.
And the guy has a VERY thick Tennessee hillbilly accent, which I couldn't understand.
I'm not being condescending. I could hardly understand what anyone was saying when I lived in Texas, and the same thing is happening here.
So, is there a happy ending to this excruciatingly endless tale of woe?
The guy put a new connecting cable on my router and mentioned something about the battery being dead.
Do routers have batteries??
I think they have some sort of internal power source.....I think they can be reset....
but actually I'm completely clueless.
I suppose this story has a happy ending.
The router is working again.
I'm keeping it safely away from the cats.
And vomit was never mentioned.
Note:
I was surprised by all the great comments on my previous post - thank you!!!!
Dana - welcome back!
Dylan, I love your recent poem and can fully relate to it .
