A continuation of my previous post
Will my life ever be an open book?
I just discarded nearly 200 pages. No lie. It's in the trash. Attempting to write my memoirs is much more difficult than I thought.
I have no trouble coming up with spontaneous fluff for this blog. Excavating the deeply personal realms of one's life, however, isn't easy. Facing the raw truth can be an extremely jolting experience. Presenting it with honesty and objectivity is more than a challenge.
Piecing together the fragments of a massive puzzle and presenting the result with a semblance of coherence and credulity is a near impossibility.
And perhaps most important is this:
since I completely baffle myself most of the time, how is it possible to convey a plausible self-portrait to others?
My thought process and writing skills aren't that advanced.
There's one thing I've decided for certain:
My memoirs will have to be in two volumes. I not only have a lot to tell, it needs to be divided into two separate realms - innocence and debauchery.
The first book will cover my childhood years, probably through high school.
The second will recount my post-adolescence descent into hell.
One staggering (not to mention annoying) aspect of my entire life is the monumental complexity of it. It's overflowing with inconsistencies, contradictions, complications, and unexplained polar forces that are in a constant battle pulling me to opposing ends of the gamut.
Good vs Evil?
Saint or Sinner?
The subject of my father's violence and abuse could cover an entire book in itself. The severe psychological impact it had on me resulted in a complete mental and physical collapse by the time I was 18. It's humiliating and painful to remember - but I managed to pull myself out of it without any help other than my own determination.
There were good times in my childhood, of course, but they were inevitably tainted and overshadowed by the bad ones.
Another thing to consider when writing my memoirs is the Mirror of Raw Reality.
An honest assessment of myself doesn't reveal a very likeable person. My flaws, weaknesses, mistakes, vices, selfishness, and extreme emotional immaturity aren't exactly inspiring.
And there are no happy endings.
I don't have any Come to Jesus moments.
I can't offer any endearing or enduring advice.
There is no substantial or satisfying apotheosis, except the fact that I happened to survive an incredibly destructive and wild ride.
A potent postscript:
When it comes to memoirs, putting your real name on the byline is a form of suicide. You're submitting your entire private existence to brutal public scrutiny and possible human sacrifice.
Not to mention potential law suits.....
I've learned the hard way while writing this blog (there are a helluva lot of vicious loonies out there)
How much worse will it be with a book?
I mean TWO books.
(should a wry *smile* be inserted here?)
Jon
High School
when I was unbearably innocent
My debauchery stories could fill a book...but my innocent stories would be more a pamphlet.
ReplyDeleteIf you ever publish I know I will be grabbing the two books.
I really laughed at the Pamphlet thing.....but I'm hoping someday you'll write a book about your debauchery.
DeleteBrwahahaha!!!! I would have to think about that. Some much gin back in the day...lord knows what I have not remembered. And I never kept a journal. As Ms. Tallulah Bankhead said. "Only good girls keep a diary. Bad girls don't have the time." Good thing we didn't hang together back then huh? We'd been terrible influences on each other I surmise.
DeleteI like this post.. at least you are truthful. I have put my past so far away that there's no way I could write a memoir. Not that it would be that interesting anyway..
ReplyDeleteI admire you for being telling the truth and not trying to make everything seem like sugar and spice.You really are a good soul, no matter what you may or may not think!
Thanks, Louise. Despite all of my (many) faults, I always try to be completely truthful
DeleteAh yes, the Mirror of Raw Reality. The inconsistencies, contradictions, and what you call flaws (I think) combine to make you a more likeable author.
ReplyDeletePretty and shiny always leaves me suspect.
You're right on target (as usual). I've always been highly suspicious of the "pretty and shiny" factor. The Mirror of Raw Reality scares the jeeters out of me, but I'm courageous enough to face it.
DeleteWell, I was sorry that the last post had so many cruel comments that you had to close it to new ones. I wouldn't have written a bad one. I would say that if writing your memoirs helps, go ahead, I am sure we will find them well worth reading.
ReplyDeleteI was quite surprised to learn that several people who dislike me are still reading my blog. I'm not sure if I should be flattered.....or worried...
DeleteI agree with Jenny, Jon. Your father sounds like my mother, both cruel people, but I can look back now without feeling any anger, and I thank God for guiding me into a happy life, one which I thought would never be mine. God bless, my friend.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you found deserved peace after experiencing so much pain, Valerie. I forgave my father, when he was in his declining years. After his death, all my anger vanished.
DeleteMaybe there are three books here, the two of self discovery and exploration that includes details not for public consumption, and one for the public. I am not sure I want to relive parts of my life before 30.
ReplyDeleteAnyone who publishes a memoir has to be an armchair exhibitionist. Perhaps a good title would be "Not for Public Consumption"
DeleteI admire your progress toward this project. From what you've shared so far, your life has been adventuresome, interesting and reflective. I would enjoy writing my autobiography if only I didn't have to include myself in it.
ReplyDeleteOmitting oneself in an autobiography is actually a very good idea. You could be the first to do it.
DeleteIn retrospect, it seems like I've lived a thousand lifetimes. I'm all worn out.
I think the hardest part is that Mirror of Raw Reality. To be able to step outside of yourself isn't easy. But being honest is the most important. We all are flawed and selfish and foolish and occasionally mean. What I like most about you is that you are honest and don't sugar coat. Your books will be great! I think you need a third one about life after floundering in debauchery...life in the wilderness. ;)
ReplyDeleteIt's extremely difficult to be open and honest about oneself - at least in my case it is. My flaws are monumental. I no longer have rabid anger, or intense self-hatred, but I still lack confidence (I try not to show it in this blog).
DeleteI definitely had a lot of adventures after I left California.
A third book??
Heck. Maybe.