NEW COMPUTER

 

I finally bought a new computer when I ventured to town (I think it was on Tuesday). My laptop is nearly seven years old and still works flawlessly, but it's getting cluttered and recently the power cord isn't working properly. 

I really wanted another laptop but bought a desktop for numerous reasons. All the laptops they had in the store (Walmart, of course) looked extremely flimsy - like they were made of tin by Mattel for Romper Room.
If you don't remember Romper Room, you're too young to be reading this blog.

And most of the laptops got mediocre online reviews.

For one hundred bucks more, I bought an all-in-one HP desktop computer which got rave reviews and has more features than the laptops. It's light and compact - consisting only of a monitor, keyboard, and mouse (I hate using a mouse, after being mouseless for years - but what the heck). Best of all, it doesn't have that cumbersome 600 pound "tower" that the old computers have.

A very poor photo, washed out by the flash and taken at the kitchen table.

 

I like the concept but am admittedly skeptical of rave reviews, which are likely written by paid pros.

"The best computer I ever had, and so easy to set up! Within five minutes I was online and surfing the Internet!"

It took me 45 minutes just to extract the contraption from the box and unwrap it.
The wrappings were entwined with the intricacy of an Egyptian mummy. It seemed like I was undressing Tutankhamun. 

Setup took nearly an hour, subtracting twenty minutes just to find my security key number.

After I finally figured out where the power button is located (hidden on the side somewhere) the computer flashed on and an unbelievably LOUD female voice bellowed "HI! I'M CORTANA - WELCOME TO WINDOWS 10!!!"

It scared the Holy Jeeters out of me - not to mention 6 months worth of crap. The voice was so loud that it reverberated through the entire house, freaked the cats, and caused nesting squirrels to abandon the roof.

As I frantically tried to find where the volume adjuster was located, Corteena (or whatever) kept saying she was going to help me get through setup.

My blood pressure launched to the moon by the time I found the volume thingie.
There's an option where you can mute Cortonella (or whatever) but I figured, we're in this together - kinda like a blind date from hell.

Signing up with Microsoft is similar to joining the Communist Party or The Legion of Satan's Advocates. They attempted to drain every ounce of personal information out of me -  not to mention a pint of blood and a sperm sample.

They also literally force you to acquire unnecessary Microsoft bells and whistles during an ugly online Battle of Endurance.

By the time me and loud-mouth Cartoona (whatever) finished the setup, I was five years older and felt like I'd been gang-raped (don't panic - I'm merely trying to incorporate cheap drama into the story).

Anyway the setup was taxing but successful. I now have a new working computer, and Microsoft now knows every detail of my existence. I initially had the computer on the kitchen table but plan to keep it in my bedroom.........

where I can conquer Windows 10 and write my memoirs.