FINALLY, THERE IS LIGHT

 

 

 A few weeks ago I had planned my suicide, in alarming and intricate detail. 

This isn't a joke or an exaggeration. I figured that I had lived my life. It has been an extraordinary life - more extraordinary than you could ever imagine. The peaks were unbelievably magnificent - - but the valleys were more troublesome and treacherous than I would dare to describe. 

Some people are blessed. Others are cursed. I truly believe I was cursed. Every day, every hour, every minute of my existence was an uphill battle - from unnerving childhood through turbulent adulthood.

Looks and talent will get you nowhere (most especially when you're plagued with low self-esteem and a lifelong underlying death wish).
I inevitably squandered my talents and eventually lost my looks - - but that's merely a meager footnote.

In time, I lost my savings and my health - something I never thought would happen.
Life is literally filled with things that we never think will happen.

So, I wound up in rural Tennessee, living in abject (possibly appalling) poverty. I don't mind poverty or the humble life of a hermit. In fact, I almost embrace it.
But, admittedly it's a very far cry from my wild California youth, when I hobnobbed with famous people in Beverly Hills mansions.

I'm off track. What about the intended suicide?

I've been going through extremely (and I mean extremely) difficult times lately. My health issues are so bad that I often wonder how I'm still alive. The trials and tribulations of living alone in the wilderness are completely overwhelming - and they multiply and intensify as one grows older (not that I'm old, of course).

This past year has been such a struggle that, for the first time in my life, I could hardly cope - physically or mentally.

Several weeks ago - when everything was at absolute ebb tide - I received an ominous and completely unexpected letter from SS stating that I had been "overpaid" and owed them $16,000 by July 5th.
Since this is a public blog, I don't want to reveal too much about my personal financial situation - so this incident will remain rather vague.

I knew this was a complete impossibility, but the shock was so great that I was catapulted into absolute Panic Mode. This was the crowning boulder on my avalanche of problems and the final nail in my coffin.

I was at the point where I couldn't handle any more problems and decided to finally expunge my eternal misery.
I procured all the necessary items that I would need to enable extinction and found a suitable place deep in the forest, where I would never be found and could rest in the comforting arms of eternal slumber.

(The video in my previous blog post , Heart of the Lost, was somewhat of a swan song. Watch it carefully. The lone wolf at the end was running away from life....)

I prayed for guidance, but was certain God hadn't listened.
Today, while I was pondering and contemplating my dire intentions, I got a phone call.

To condense an infinitely long story, the "error" about my $16,000 "debt" has been straightened out and my phantom problems are (hopefully) resolved.

My relief knows no bounds.
There is a light at the end of even the darkest tunnels.
And God listens, if you cry and beg loud enough.