A few weeks ago I had planned my suicide, in alarming and intricate detail.
This isn't a joke or an exaggeration. I figured that I had lived my life. It has been an extraordinary life - more extraordinary than you could ever imagine. The peaks were unbelievably magnificent - - but the valleys were more troublesome and treacherous than I would dare to describe.
Some people are blessed. Others are cursed. I truly believe I was cursed. Every day, every hour, every minute of my existence was an uphill battle - from unnerving childhood through turbulent adulthood.
Looks and talent will get you nowhere (most especially when you're plagued with low self-esteem and a lifelong underlying death wish).
I inevitably squandered my talents and eventually lost my looks - - but that's merely a meager footnote.
In time, I lost my savings and my health - something I never thought would happen.
Life is literally filled with things that we never think will happen.
So, I wound up in rural Tennessee, living in abject (possibly appalling) poverty. I don't mind poverty or the humble life of a hermit. In fact, I almost embrace it.
But, admittedly it's a very far cry from my wild California youth, when I hobnobbed with famous people in Beverly Hills mansions.
I'm off track. What about the intended suicide?
I've been going through extremely (and I mean extremely) difficult times lately. My health issues are so bad that I often wonder how I'm still alive. The trials and tribulations of living alone in the wilderness are completely overwhelming - and they multiply and intensify as one grows older (not that I'm old, of course).
This past year has been such a struggle that, for the first time in my life, I could hardly cope - physically or mentally.
Several weeks ago - when everything was at absolute ebb tide - I received an ominous and completely unexpected letter from SS stating that I had been "overpaid" and owed them $16,000 by July 5th.
Since this is a public blog, I don't want to reveal too much about my personal financial situation - so this incident will remain rather vague.
I knew this was a complete impossibility, but the shock was so great that I was catapulted into absolute Panic Mode. This was the crowning boulder on my avalanche of problems and the final nail in my coffin.
I was at the point where I couldn't handle any more problems and decided to finally expunge my eternal misery.
I procured all the necessary items that I would need to enable extinction and found a suitable place deep in the forest, where I would never be found and could rest in the comforting arms of eternal slumber.
(The video in my previous blog post , Heart of the Lost, was somewhat of a swan song. Watch it carefully. The lone wolf at the end was running away from life....)
I prayed for guidance, but was certain God hadn't listened.
Today, while I was pondering and contemplating my dire intentions, I got a phone call.
To condense an infinitely long story, the "error" about my $16,000 "debt" has been straightened out and my phantom problems are (hopefully) resolved.
My relief knows no bounds.
There is a light at the end of even the darkest tunnels.
And God listens, if you cry and beg loud enough.
Taxes suck! The IRS sucks. Social Security sucks! And as if the Pandemic has not already claimed enough suicides, yet another pin was about to fall. Here's a Conspiracy theory for you : Is BIG BROTHER reading your blog? Designating you as an "extremist" and then, using a weaponized version of the IRS, they "Accidentally" sent you a huge debt to be paid in full in an unreasonable amount of time? ( Godfather, anyone? )All just to push you over the edge! Snuffing out another citizen that did not vote for sleepy Joe. Moving another person into the rising Pandemic death statistic. Sounds a little fishy that the huge sum would be suddenly be unloaded on you. . Then again, Memes and satire have been coming true all too often in this current political climate.
ReplyDeleteWell, I'll spare you the "so happy you are still alive" (I'm sure you will get some, and I'm not very good at those.) and instead leave you with the "Now I don't have to find another blog that matches your wit and prose." That is right! A stranger in Iowa only wants to keep you around just so I can read about your take on life. Is that so selfish? Maybe. Sometimes being selfish can be a good thing.
I won't even say "Think of your cats!" because cats tend to be more than able to take care of themselves. As you so often mention. Dog and kids, on the other hand... So needy. ( Probably why we have neither of those..)
Hope you feel better. Physically that is. Mentally never really gets easier. And if all of your problems can be solved with money, you must not be doing too bad. ( And all the money in the world can't buy you better health.) Take care. I shall look forward to your future blog posts.
P.S. What was the Government going to do? Send a guy out to the wilderness and serve you a summons? Or ask if you got your vaccine? Don't G men live almost exclusively in the concrete jungle? Just sayin'.... You could have hid out for years! Look how long it took them to find the Uni-bomber... And he lived in Montana.
Ok, after re-reading this comment, this sounds a little callus. Sorry about that. In my anti- government rant, I totally missed the possibility it could be a scam. ( Taxes are a scam! The IRS is a scam...) Sorry, there I go again.
DeleteYes, I'm very glad you did not fall for it if it was a scam. And did not fall even further. I really should just delete my bad attempt at humor, but then this comment would not make any sense. Sometimes my joke miss the mark.
I wouldn't be surprised at all if Big Brother was reading my blog. It's a good thing I seldom say what I REALLY think (politically) or I'd be arrested for being an extremist.
DeleteBTW - the letter that I received wasn't a scam - it was completely genuine. I didn't reveal the details solely because this is a public blog and it's best to keep some things to myself.
Your lengthy comment was greatly appreciated.
Dear Jon, I commiserate and have shared strangely similar news recently and have only this to offer: Never bank or establish personal credit lines at Wells Fargo Bank (google their huge problem/scam). Wikipedia covers it nicely. I got 3 scam emails from that on the weekend. My policy is simply wait. If there is some legal settlement at issue, wait for a process server, police visit or subpoena. Otherwise it's not going to be handled by time-sensitive threats. Please take care, Jon. You're important to me.
ReplyDeleteGeo, I've heard a lot of bad things about Wells Fargo. I'm sorry to hear about your recent email scams. Life is tough enough without having to endure unnecessary crap.
DeleteThe letter I received (via snail mail) definitely wasn't a scam - which increased my Panic Mode.
Take care and thanks for being there.
Thank God! Okay, I try not to inject my religious beliefs in Blogland -- but I've no doubt this call was divine appointment. (Tho' I must admit, I was worried what would become of your kitties should you succumb -- naturally, or otherwise.) Like Geo said, you're important to me.
ReplyDeleteThe kitties were really foremost in my mind. The prospect of them becoming orphans is heartbreaking.
DeleteThere have been numerous (very numerous) times in my life when divine intervention saved me.
I have been there. How can i help?
ReplyDeleteRon, I'm feeling much better now (emotionally) than I did last week. It's reassuring to know that good people like yourself are there.
DeleteHow awful that a mistake like that would be made! They don't even care what kind of stress that type of thing puts on people. Our state income tax sent a letter to us that we owed $700. My husband made arrangements to make payments on the amount,and had actually made a couple of payments, in the meantime he kept going over and over our taxes and absolutely couldn't find our mistake
ReplyDeletethat caused them to say we owed $700. Ever since we paid our first taxes, they were simple enough for us to figure out on our own, and never had a problem. Finally after reviewing our taxes himself for the upteenth time, he did one of those computer programs for taxes and it showed that the original tax papers that we filed were done correctly. Then the fun began of trying to get refunded for the payments already made and the correction to the state's mistake made. It involved I don't know how many emails, and also telephone calls, and hours and hours of time. Finally, we received a refund of the payments we had made, and the rest was corrected. I think it was because many government offices were hit by covid and new people were doing a job they hadn't learned yet, and probably weren't trained for. $700 may not seem like much, but it is to us. The amount that you were asked to pay on such short notice would have been disastrous to many people. What a relief to get notice that it had been an error on their part.
Thankfully their stupidity didn't cause you to make any rash, irreversible decisions. But they sure did manage to put you through Hell. Thankfully all of that is lifted from you now. It is a relief to hear that the stress and worry they put on you has lifted.
Take care.
The letter really devastated me because I knew it was genuine and not a scam. Unfortunately scams are rampant and so are ugly encounters with the government. I'm so sorry to hear about your tax ordeal. These things can really disrupt our lives and cause unbelievable stress.
DeleteI'm glad that you were finally able to get refunds for the payments you made.
I have read this post several times, Jon, and admit to being saddened and understanding. What others see as a scam can seem real enough to push anyone, not just you, over the edge. Thank you for sharing in brutally honest fashion what you have been going through and sadly considering. I am glad you chose to remain among the living and implore you to continue. Your life has value and you would be missed. Please reach out. You DO have friends who care.
ReplyDeleteThere are lots of things that I didn't write about in my post. I hate to sound so depressing, yet I always have an uncontrollable urge to vent my feelings. It helps to keep me from going completely bonkers.
DeleteKnowing that you care and are concerned is greatly appreciated. Many thanks.
I've been reading your blog posts but haven't commented lately.
You are welcome, Jon, not for appreciating that I care as that goes without saying. I do believe that you are a survivor and you have the support of many unseen friends, and hope you can take some comfort in that fact.
DeleteIt’s OK about not commenting on my posts. You certainly have had much mire on your mind.
Jon, I must admit that I had a VERY bad feeling about your last couple of posts, and I was right - something was terribly wrong. I am not lying when I tell you now that contemplating suicide has been a nasty thought for me several times in my life, (you know, we all have our so-called demons to deal with), but I re-thought the idea. I am SO glad that you "re-thought" as well! And here is another confession for you, the reason I re-thought the idea is because of my fur babies - they are still the only reason I can find get up in the morning. They are my true happiness!
ReplyDeleteMost of my recent blog posts have indeed been dark and disturbing. I was so upset that I honestly didn't think I'd be blogging again. I still have numerous problems, but I feel much better since this latest ordeal has been resolved.
DeleteI'm so sorry to hear that you have also been going through dark times in your life. My fur babies are always foremost in my mind. The thought of leaving them behind is heartbreaking. They are invaluable companions.
Take care, and many thanks for being there!
Jon, I want you to know that I am always here for you! Oh, and Jon - just one more thing - the world is a better place with you in it, my friend!
DeleteJesus, Jon! If you ever need money - the most filthy thing in this world that I can think of other than my mind and a few other minds I know....please contact me. Immediately!
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel though as I am pre-disposed to thoughts of suicide myself and believe - regardless - that it is not a matter of if but when. Do not be alarmed - it is just the way I am wired and I have always been okay with it.
Some of us are born into The Bell Jar - others find it to appear later in life as a door at the end of unforeseen paths. That said, you are a very talented human being, and a good person as well so I am very happy to know you are still here sharing the misery with the rest of us.
There is definitely a club - a silent order. Even a pack of lone wolves. It doesn't necessarily help to know it exists and yet it does help. Sometimes.
I did not expect to see this post so soon and almost didn't look for it. I am happy that I did.
I may miss a few of your posts in the coming weeks - it is almost time for me to hide at the beach for a month and also I now have cancer in my right breast and am scheduled for surgery soon after my return.
All of my life I wanted killer boobs - that's a joke. And not a very good one. I was actually quite happy with the way I was but for being a stick person I don't get it...I really don't.
I'm just gonna donate this one last time and then go look for Frankenstein. I think we might have a lot in common. 😜
Much love Jon!❤️
I always feel humbled and selfish when I complain about my own problems and find out that others are going through the same things or worse. Life is definitely a cruel and unfair bitch - - and the best people always seem to endure the worst things.
DeleteI'm so very sorry to hear about your health issues and all that you must be going through. Hopefully you will have a peaceful and rejuvenating month at the beach.
Sending love and positive thoughts your way. Do keep in touch.
Oh to be clear, that would actually be Frankenstein's creature. I already know where the Dr is. 😝🙃
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you decided to stay in this world a little longer. You had me worried.
ReplyDeleteI truly appreciate your concern and kind thoughts, Donna. Heaven knows, I need them...
DeleteOh Jon, what a terrible time you have been through. However, what is most important is that you now realize that God did hear you and He answered. What are the odds that a government agency would call and say they made an error? I think slim to none. I hope that since you have received that amazing intervention you will know that you are very loved.
ReplyDelete♥️♥️♥️♥️Susan
Susan, I've been through a lot worse things than this, but lately dozens of problems having been piling up all at once and it's been very difficult to cope.
DeleteAfter not hearing anything about this latest fiasco, I was very surprised (shocked) to finally get the recent phone call. It was truly a blessing.....but as a devout pessimist, I'm never completely calm or relaxed...
Mr. Johnny Concerto. I'm trying to send you some sounds. I've been trying for two days but I'm not very tech minded. Do you you or anybody out there know how I can do that? My wife reads your blog, told me about your musical talent and now I'm on on a musical mission with you but we have met the enemy and he is trying to jam us. But he's a chump!
ReplyDeleteRich
Hi, Rich - what kind of "sounds" might these be? I'm definitely not very tech-minded, either. I've managed to transfer some of my ancient piano cassettes to mp3 files, and I'm fairly good at making videos, but that's about it.
DeleteTell your wife that I'm flattered that she reads my humble blog.