Summer has faded, along with thoughts of outdoor barbecues. Our pyro-oriented proclivities are now geared towards lighting fireplaces and candles or burning piles of autumn leaves.
Now that the sappy, unnecessary introduction is out of the way, I'll get to the point.
Have you ever tried to light a match lately?
The quality has become so incredibly bad that they're nearly worthless. It's almost impossible to light them, and when they do light they don't maintain a flame. It consistently fizzles out in three seconds.
Remember the good ol' days when it was a snap to light a match and the flame would burn until you blew it out?
Reading the fine print on the packages has confirmed my suspicions of why the quality of matches has drastically declined.
First of all, the only matches available in this rural Tennessee purgatory are Diamond Matches from Walmart.
Anything from Walmart assures you of Crappy Quality (capitalized for emphasis).
The emblem on the Diamond match box boasts that they are "America's Match Company Since 1881".
But - get your microscope and read the minuscule print - - Made in Chili.
Yes, CHILI.
Name one good thing that came out of Chili, besides Pablo Neruda.
Worst of all - the Diamond matches are now called "Greenlight".
If anything has the word GREEN in it, you know it's going to be a resounding disaster.
Check out the indecipherable print underneath
the minuscule print:
100 per cent FSC - - "Wood from well-managed forests." (Forest Stewardship Council),
I don't give a rat's ass if the wood is from Daniel Boone's outhouse. All I want is a match that works.
The matches which we are presently inflicted with are not created to be user-friendly. The main objective is that they are annoyingly safe and infuriatingly environmentally compatible. They're the kind of matches Greta Thunberg would take on a camping trip.
I want a match that lights immediately when you strike it - without twenty or thirty unsuccessful tries.
I want a match that actually produces a dangerous FLAME, not a pathetic prissy flicker that dies within three seconds.
I want a match that was designed by an enthusiastic pyromaniac, not by some sissified environmentally-indoctrinated SoyBoy who has a degree from Berkeley.
Do I make myself clear?
Cheers, Jon
SoyBoy ... I love this, Jon! One of my favorite childhood memories was being allowed to take a big old wooden match to mother's gas oven. And sometimes, just lighting one for it's wonderful aroma. Another brick crumbling in the building that used to be my childhood.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't resist the SoyBoy thing, even though it will undoubtedly contribute to my loss of readers. I have an uncanny knack for offending everyone....(sigh).
DeleteI miss the wonderful days of our dangerous childhoods, and marvel that we survived.
Nothing better than a nice smelling fire pit in the autumn on a chilly night, with some nice spiked mulled cider. I mostly use one of those lighter sticks, but I still do use matches, but mine seem to strike right away and I get a nice flame. A fun fact. People often ask me when they visit why I have a nice box of matches in the bathroom when they know I don't smoke. I tell them if when your in there and have to do your, huh, back of house business, if you light a match, it will rid the stench right quick.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure that decent matches still exist, but they won't be found in Walmart. Actually, I think lighter sticks are better.
DeleteI've known numerous people who keep matches (and candles) in the bathroom....
I'd be more than happy to mail you a few of the boxes I get Jon!
DeleteI truly appreciate the offer but wouldn't want you to go through the trouble. There are several other places around here (besides Walmart) where I'll look. I'm sure I'll find something.
DeleteIf all else fails, I'll rub two sticks together like the Indians (*smile*)
Dear Jon, for the past 40 years I have used book matches from D.D.Bean & Sons in Jaffrey,N.Hampshire. They are "non-advertising" and come in two styles: Blank and Thankyou. On both are printed, in small but insistent letters,"close cover, strike gently" and "Keep away from children" --advice that has served me well but I still hug my grandkids.
ReplyDeleteGeo, it's reassuring to know that quality matches still exist. Unfortunately they can't be found in Walmart. I remember when matchbooks had "close cover before striking" printed on them. I used to casually collect matchbooks long ago, and still have some of them.
DeleteTake care. It's good to hear from you.
I one time could not get a camp fire going out in the tundra of Alaska because the matches were so crappy. The camping ones brag that they can light even if they are wet. But those Greenie ones are junk! I'm surprised they don't throw in "free trade" "organic" Vegan" on the label. Just to get those granola s that brag about hiking in the mountains of Colorado. Maybe they are afraid you will start a forest fire or something. The left ruins everything!
ReplyDeleteBTW, I read the Houdini post... just didn't comment. So... I'll be the fourth one. Just out of the contention for bronze.
I deleted the "P.S." that I had on this post - but I'm delighted to know that you were the fourth person to read the Houdini post.
DeleteI never thought I'd live to see the day when matches would be safe, green, and tainted by the Left. They are definitely forest fire proof...
I have noticed this too, Jon... totally ridiculous- trying to get one lit or to stay lit.. and yes, they were from Walmart. I despise Walmart, although I have to shop there to find certain things that are unavailable elsewhere.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, Walmart is just about the only major place to shop around here - - although we do have a Dollar Store and a fairly decent supermarket.
DeleteIt’s been years since I have needed to buy and use matches, Jon, but I believe what you have said here about quality if a simple thing like matches. We use the disposable long handled lighters for lighting candles and these are readily available at the local dollar store. Who ever heard of match heads being green, anyway? They should be red, always!
ReplyDeleteWe do have a dollar store here, so I'll see if they have the disposable lighters. Perhaps they might also have some matches that actually work.
DeleteI was admittedly shocked when I saw that the matches were actually green....
CRYSTAL clear! LOL! Spot on. I remember my parents always used matches and kept them in a special drawer when we needed to use them - and we used the quite often!
ReplyDeleteYep, I cringe whenever I see the word "Green" on ANY product these days! PATHETIC! Hell, even the "recylable grocery bags are shit and so damned useless it is ridicuous.
All of this environmentally safe "green" crap is the biggest hoax yet. Whoever heard of matches made from "well-managed forests"???
DeleteMatches haven't been much good for a long time. So many things have been compromised for no reason I can see, unless it's so they can spend less making a product and charge the customer more. Follow the money.
ReplyDeleteWhoever designed these "environmentally friendly" matches should be burned at a stake.
DeleteI just read this entry to my husband. He's still laughing. He agrees with you. He wonders if you've tried using a gasoline can lately. They are so safe, you almost just want to quit using the lawn mower and let everything grow up around you.
ReplyDeleteDonna, you are absolutely right! I bought a gasoline can (from Walmart) a few years ago, and it was so complicated that I couldn't figure out how to use it. I couldn't even open the top.
Delete