I'm caught between storms courtesy of Mother Nature and storms surging from the depths of my soul.
I could easily condense this blog post by saying that my curses are far more numerous than my blessings.
But brevity doesn't reside in my nature.
Speaking of nature, fierce storms have been raging here in rural Tennessee since early last evening and have no intention of stopping.
Howling winds and torrential rain all night long and continuing all day and through tonight. Fortunately the temperature is fairly mild -- but the possibility of snow showers exist tonight.
So how am I feeling?
The mercifully brief version is that I'm dragging myself around more dead than alive. Listing my numerous ailments would take too long. The meds don't seem to alleviate the heart problems or edema - but that's the least of my physical problems.
I'm presently getting two home care nurse visits a week. Unfortunately, the new nurse never tells me what days she will show up - - making her visit a (frustrating) surprise.
I'm finally able to medicate and change the bandages on my (never ending) radiation wounds myself - but it takes me an hour to remove my pants and underwear etc. because I can't bend down. Doing simple things have become complete agonizing puzzles.
I could reveal daily medical horror stories FAR worse than that....but I'll spare you.
Let's move on to other things.
My food supplies are running low. I'll have to order more groceries. Yesterday I had chicken thighs and stuffing. I actually managed to make a simple cake - - slightly burned because I left it in the oven too long.
I received a call from the Social Security office, who are (hopefully) straightening out some issues. I've had nothing but problems ever since they thought I was deceased last summer (I think in July).
I'm extremely apprehensive (terrified?) at my inability to walk and stand up straight. Of course, I was in hospital beds for months - which undoubtedly destroyed my back and stomach muscles. And I have serious spinal issues.
On the bright side - - I'm a pro with the walker and (believe it or not) I occasionally force myself to walk (hobble) without it. Baby steps, but better than nothing. I can walk across a room without any aide.
Ghost in the house?
Despite the fact that he's gone, I have the strong feeling that my deceased cat Bosco is still here. When I'm in bed I look for him in the covers where he liked to snuggle. When I'm in the kitchen, I think he's waiting by my feet until I give him milk or some other snack.
Then, in a painful surge of absolute emptiness, I suddenly remember all of my many losses......
Jon
Jon, as I read this I saw some things perhaps you don't see because you are too close. Progress. You are now a pro with the walker. It wasn't long ago that you could barely use it. Hobbling around without it.....would you even have thought it possible a couple of weeks ago? I was going to say I know how miserable this all is for you, but I don't really. Only intellectually. What I do know is you are pressing on and you are succeeding. You also have every right and reason to be unhappy about it all. You are carrying on, my friend.
ReplyDeleteYour observations are so accurate, Sandra. My frustrations and apprehension always overshadow my progress. I can do most things for myself now - even though it takes time and I tire easily.
DeleteI will carry on *smile*
No thanks to Mother Nature, we also experienced an unsettling night. Here, I was patting myself on the back for not fretting unnecessarily about severe weather -- but all yesterday I had a heavy sense of foreboding. Thankfully, you and I were both spared any (further) damage.
ReplyDeleteI'm really glad to hear of your successes, however minor. And yes, I believe there's a possibility of Bosco's presence. (Who are we to know any better?) Just a thought -- could you, perhaps, reach out to a local shelter/rescue and ask if someone could show you (in person or on-line) a kitten needing a new home?
I thought about you because your area was supposed to get wicked weather. In my neck of the woods, I was worried about toppling trees. Thankfully no damage. Now they're saying possible snow tonight.
DeleteThere is a place near here called Best Friends animal sanctuary. They have a no-kill policy for their cats and dogs. You can only go there if you make an appointment, which would be very difficult for me to do - but perhaps they could make an alternative arrangement.
That may be the storm that is headed our way, central North Carolina. Schools are closed because it is coming.
DeleteJon, maybe the shelter would bring one to you.
As soon as I typed that the wind howled and our screen deck door clunked. Storm must have heard me!
DeleteYes, Sandi, I think our storms are headed your way. Hopefully they won't be severe.
DeleteIt would be great if the shelter could deliver kitties.
I agree with Sandra, Jon. You have made good progress, though it doesn't seem like it to you. I DO understand how you feel; I get so frustrated at times because there are things I want to do, things that I used to do without thinking about it, that I can't do at all now, or do very slowly with adjustments. Keep pushing yourself and improving. It WILL get better, but slowly. Remember that all of your blog friends are on your side and cheering you on!
ReplyDeleteJackie, my reply to your comment is down below. Blogger is always playing pranks.
DeleteGrief is a funny thing. In a way, Bosco is still with you.
ReplyDeleteI was so used to having him here, so his spirit still remains. Grief does do strange things.
DeleteI never dreamed that I would be plagued with physical problems or handicaps, but it puts life into a whole new perspective. I certainly learned to have sympathy and compassion for others who are going through similar situations. It is very frustrating to attempt doing things that I used to do easily. Forcing myself to keep moving forward is essential. I definitely don't want to regress.
ReplyDeleteThanks for you input, Jackie.
I think living alone (sometimes) it's easier to focus on the negative. There's no one to process things with, bounce things off, give positive input, 'help' with physical needs and so forth. Of course, living with the wrong one could make things even worse. Life is dicey, that's for damn sure. I think you're making progress, Jon, even though it feels slow. I'd hope your local animal shelter could accommodate your needs. Ask. Most animal shelters are overflowing and are usually desperate to find homes for the animals. Thankfully, it's nothing but rain here in northern Ohio. They were initially predicting up to 9 inches of snow for today. I'll take the rain. Hope your weather settles down and is one less thing to worry about. Take care.
ReplyDeleteParanormal John
Living alone has its advantages, but it can also be destructive when you are your own worst enemy (speaking about myself). My negativity often gets in the way of revealing my progress. Fortunately I keep pushing myself forward.
DeleteIt seems like it's raining almost everywhere - - but snow is predicted for tonight (only an inch or so). I'm so glad that my furnace is working.
I'm sure the critter shelters would accomodate my search for a feline friend.....if I beg and plead enough *smile*
My walker only allows me to stoop. Perhaps I need an upright motorized walker *smile*.
ReplyDeleteIt's very disconcerting to know that you had to get up the porch steps on your knees! I am able to walk very slowly up the porch steps hanging onto the rail for dear life.
The other day I received a package on the porch and I had to slide it to the door with my feet and tumble it inside.
Light snow is predicted for tonight. I'm afraid of what might come next week.
Thanks for your encouragement, Jo.
Jon
ReplyDeleteI just got this email from Adam, Geo's son.
Dear Mike,
This is Adam - George's son. My mom wanted to make sure that you knew that George passed away over the weekend. I added my contact information if you want to reply.
Jon, he was a friend to both of us. I shall miss his posts, his emails, his wit an empathy towards us all.
Mike
Mike, I am completely shocked. I can't express how much this upsets me. I've followed his blog for many years and he was just like a close friend. It won't be the same without him.
DeleteThank you so much for sharing this news with me.
I had the same reaction...a physical one. In some ways, I considered Geo a patient of mine also, we consulted for over 10 years, him asking questions, me giving a second opinion. It disturbs me, knowing he is gone. I expect a bad night ahead. Take care, Jon.
DeleteMike
And, I meant to say, the companionship of a particular well loved animal is the most precious of all.
ReplyDeleteJon, I too think that despite your not feeling able to do many things that you previously, progress has been made. You are a survivor when others in your situation would have just given up. I hope that the storms from Mother Nature will not cause any physical damages and that the ones in your soul will be calmed.
ReplyDeleteAlso I read a previous comment about the passing of a fellow blogger, Geo, and while I didn't read his blog on a regular basis, I was aware of it, also that he was one of your blog friends. It's always sad news to read.
If nothing else, the whole ordeal that I've gone through has proven my strength - - something I never realized I had before. My present physical limitations inspire me to keep pushing forward - even though it sometimes seems impossible.
DeleteI'm thinking that NH is probably buried in snow. I hope you're safe and cozy. The wind and rain hasn't caused much damage here in rural TN. There's a possibility that we'll get light snow tonight.
George was a long-time blogger friend of mine. I always marveled at his vast knowledge and wit. He will be sorely missed.
We're no longer snow-covered, Jon, and that 15-inch snowfall over the weekend was "history" by Wed afternoon. First, came heavy overnight rain on Tuesday, followed by unseasonably warm temps on Wed and except from the plowed snow piles that remain, it doesn't look like we had any 🌨❄️ and I miss it. Hopefully any snow you get won't create problems. It is sad to lose friends, anytime.
DeleteThose six long months that I spent in hospitals and rehab have changed my life drastically - - but it was a humbling and learning experience. I will never be the same physically, but I'm coping with my limitations and striving to improve more every day.
ReplyDeleteIt's always good to hear from you, Jenny.
Our four-legged friends can be great companions, especially for people who live alone like mysrlf.
ReplyDeleteHi Jon
ReplyDeleteYou triggered an old memory
Many years ago after our Lil Miss White Cat passed away
I felt her at the the foot of the bed by my feet where she sometimes slept
It was absolutely real
Not imagined
When we’re not able to say goodbye properly
We are given a signal from our loved one
Letting us know that they’re alright
Lisa (salemslot9)
This sounds strange but it's absolutely true. Bosco's presence seems very real, as if he's actually here. It is his spirit of persistent remembrance.
DeleteWhen you talk about taking steps, any number, without the walker, I'm amazed. You couldn't even think about that possibility a while back. And yes, it takes ages to recover muscle tone after so much time in bed.
ReplyDeleteI'm familiar with that "nurses arriving whenever" situation, from my late husband's care giving years. They acted like they were in a hospital setting, bopping from room to room, patients all on the same meal and sleeping and meds schedule.
Then they were amazed to have to wait till Andy had had breakfast and the vital meds that went with food, etc. Or to find it would take another hour for him to be ready for their care.
I wouldn't be too quick to comply, if I were your caregiver, just be sure you move at your pace on your schedule, not theirs. It's too easy to find you're serving their needs, not they serving yours. Yes, btdt, ready to get feisty in your defense! And don't get me started on home physical therapists.. Some are wonderful, but few are good timekeepers
Keep going, Jon! You got this. Even on days when that sounds like a ridiculous thing to say.
Trying to walk without the aide of my walker is rather dangerous, but I've been forcing myself to do it. It is definitely progress - - I couldn't have done it two weeks ago.
DeleteMy first two home care nurses were very knowledgeable and helpful. This new nurse often doesn't seem to know what she's doing. She forgets things and doesn't know much about my medical history.
I hope there wasn't much flooding in NJ. The rain has finally stopped here and light snow is expected tonight.