THE LIGHT IS EXPUNGED

 

A new year. A new path of possible light. I wanted to begin with the prospect of optimism.

Now, I am absolutely positive that the ellusive path of light is expunged forever. I can't keep fooling myself with false hope and phantom promises.

In the past few dreadful years, I've written everything possible that I can think of. At the beginning of this year, I know for certain I am all written out. I'm breathless, clueless, completely exasperated.

There is nothing left to say.

I'm caught in an endless trap in which there is no discernable way out. I would need the grace of God combined with a divine miracle, both of which will never happen. I've always maintained that there are no happy endings.

In retrospect, this eternal journey through hell was my fault. Last December, a year ago, I was in agony with back pain and severe edema. In my profound ignorance I thought going to the ER might help.

I called the ambulance. I innocently believed that I would be away for a few days or perhaps a week.

Look at me now.  My naive ploy backfired and snowballed into the worst diabolical nightmare of my entire life.

A year - - an entire year - - has been completely wasted. I didn't see my home. I missed every season, I missed the peaceful privacy of my rural residence.

In July, 2023 - - when I was plagued with cancer and a heart attack - - two doctors at Centennial Medical Center in Nashville bluntly told me there was no hope. I would die....

......and a miracle did occur. I was granted more precious time.

The bitter irony is that I lost the entire past year, enmeshed in acute misery. No day is ever precious when spending it in the confinement of a hospital bed.

Several weeks in Cookeville Medical Center....then...over six months in Signature Health Care in Jamestown.

You know the story. I documented it extensively.

Transferred to my current trap, Waters Rehab Facility or whatever the hell the name is, in Gainesboro.

Signature was a prison. Waters is a complete insane asylum. Dirty, chaotic, disorganized, unpredictable.

Truth to tell, I'm terrified here. Due to the unsanitary conditions, I now have covid - - complicating all my other medical problems.

I've completely lost my physical and mental strength. Most importantly....

I've completely lost my will to live. I desperately want to die. I want this unspeakable never-ending nightmare to permanently end.

There's nothing left for me to say.

There are no more words that I can think of to write.

I only yearn for what could have been.

I'm now completely terrified at what will be.

Jon 🖤

eternal.....darkness

I always read your comments, but I won't reply. On this day forward in this dreadful new year, my writing has ceased.