TRAPPED

In recent posts I said that I no longer want to update and I no longer want to write anything.

Undesirable decision.

If I don't continue to maintain this blog, no one will know what's happening in my absolutely miserable existence. I'm getting so physically and mentally weak, that soon I won't be able to function. That is my foremost fear.

This recent covid diognosis has become a joke. I no longer have a fever or a cough. My only malady is chronic fatigue - - mostly from stress and lack of food. The meals that I'm given are so disgusting that I can hardly look at them, let alone eat them.

As I said in a previous post, between the bad food in Signature Health Care and the horrifying meals here in Waters Rehab. I have lost an alarming amount of weight.

Back to covid.

Despite having no more physical symptoms, they've moved my roommate out, and locked me in here - - a disconcerting quarantine. Nobody comes in here during the day, except the guy who cleans the room.

Occasionally I get my meds. The doctor doubled the dose of the Gabapentin.

I'm terrified that I'm trapped. I fear that they will keep me in here until I perish. I'm nothing but an unnecessary statistic.

One faint glimmer of light.

A doctor stopped in here the other day (a week ago?). We talked (briefly) and established that my goal is to (at least) be in a wheelchair and return home. I think his name was Dr. Hill.

Difficult to remember things lately.

Hell, difficult trying to function.

Jon

unduly apprehensive  

don't feel like replying to comments but, heck,  comments are diminishing....

(top image, surrounded by wolves)

THE LIGHT IS EXPUNGED

 

A new year. A new path of possible light. I wanted to begin with the prospect of optimism.

Now, I am absolutely positive that the ellusive path of light is expunged forever. I can't keep fooling myself with false hope and phantom promises.

In the past few dreadful years, I've written everything possible that I can think of. At the beginning of this year, I know for certain I am all written out. I'm breathless, clueless, completely exasperated.

There is nothing left to say.

I'm caught in an endless trap in which there is no discernable way out. I would need the grace of God combined with a divine miracle, both of which will never happen. I've always maintained that there are no happy endings.

In retrospect, this eternal journey through hell was my fault. Last December, a year ago, I was in agony with back pain and severe edema. In my profound ignorance I thought going to the ER might help.

I called the ambulance. I innocently believed that I would be away for a few days or perhaps a week.

Look at me now.  One year later. My naive ploy backfired and snowballed into the worst diabolical nightmare of my entire life.

A year - - an entire year - - has been completely wasted. I didn't see my home. I missed every season, I missed the peaceful privacy of my rural residence.

In July, 2023 - - when I was plagued with cancer and a heart attack - - two doctors at Centennial Medical Center in Nashville bluntly told me there was no hope. I would die....

......and a miracle did occur. I was granted more precious time.

The bitter irony is that I lost this entire past year, enmeshed in acute misery. No day is ever precious when spending it in the confinement of a hospital bed.

Several weeks in Cookeville Medical Center....then...over six months in Signature Health Care in Jamestown.

You know the story. I documented it extensively.

Transferred to my current trap, Waters Rehab Facility or whatever the hell the name is, in Gainesboro.

Signature was a prison. Waters is a complete insane asylum. Dirty, chaotic, disorganized, unpredictable.

Truth to tell, I'm terrified here. Due to the unsanitary conditions, I now have covid - - complicating all my other medical problems.

I've completely lost my physical and mental strength, and most importantly....

I've completely lost my will to live. I want this unspeakable never-ending nightmare to permanently end.

There's nothing left for me to say.

There are no more words that I can think of to write.

I only yearn for what could have been.

I'm now completely terrified at what will be.

Jon 🖤

eternal.....darkness

I always read your comments, but I won't reply.